lets come together in love...

How do I even describe everything that has been going on?

One thing Lisa has made clear to me over my time seeing her is that I have the tendency to not know whats actually going on in the moment until quite a long time after that moment has passed. Apparently I react without any comprehension of why or how or if I even want to. I just react. This is supposedly my thing. Although, really, I wonder....don't we all do that to an extent? At least at my developmental level/lower?

Is that the only reason she brings it up? To make sure I know that I need to recognize this tendency of mine?

Its been another whirlwind...hah, go figure.

I was supposed to travel down to see my family today. Haven't been down there since September...purposefully avoiding them (particularly my mother) as I am. Nick and Lisa and I have all pow-wowed long and hard about this decision to give myself space. I thought that it would be too mean to stay away for the holidays. I mean, its Christmas, for Chrissake! Family is supposed to come together and just focus on being together, right?

But now I have ended up deciding not to go down. On the one hand, it is a hugely bad time to be traveling just from a financial standpoint. Sure, we have a little saved up, but really, its not that much. And it dwindles so rapidly...I hate having to travel down once a month for school...not to mention all of the driving I am doing on a weekly basis for my traineeship. And its effect on the car isn't cheap either. Another $400 gone today to get the tires and oil changed. Awesome. Rent and utilities next week, plus travel costs for school, and work...and food isn't so dang cheap either. And other things, such as medicine. I don't even know how much I've spent in the last couple weeks. I still have to buy books for the quarter that begins in a week and a half. Oh, and my parents have stopped paying the phone bill again. They are completely broke because of my dad's disability issues (cant remember if i posted in here about that. needless to say, they just recently lost more than half of the income he raked in from the government. they have no clear way to recover besides taking out student loans for my moms schooling). So now I will have to pay for my phone bill as well. Teeriffic!

To top it all off, I wanted to get a part time job...but I currently only have monday and friday free during the week. Weekends are free, except that once a month I have to go down for school. I don't think too many places will want to hire someone with that kind of schedule, especially not with all the other people with absolutely nothing in their schedules vying for the same positions.

I don't know whats going on with my student loans. They keep calling me, but I dont have any of the paper work with my information on it. My dad has been too distrated to get it to me yet. I am getting calls from a collection agency about a bill from a clinic in Santa Barbara I never went to. I owe nearly $200 to Disneyland for a season pass I bought over the summer that I have not used since I bought it...that will probably be going to collections soon too. Hmm...is that everything? I think so. It kind of helps to type it all out. All of this stuff just zooms around in my spacey head, buzzing around and causing me to freak out and get even more spacey feeling. So hard to focus when your go to coping method is to distance yourself from everything. Distracting myself, whatever.

But back to my original point. I decided not to go down. I feel a little guilty about it still. Although, after typing all of that stuff out I guess I shouldn't feel so bad. Thank God for Nick's disability stuff. The cost of driving down via car is about the same as cost for train ride...roughly $120-150 roundtrip. I have to come down for my grad school session Jan 6 anyway so it just seemed like maybe I should wait until then to make the ride.

Sigh. So many little stressors like that. My traineeship site has not proven to be very profitable for me financially. I was expecting to get around $300 for Novembers clients (I only get half of all I rake in...pretty sure I had about $700 total...and that was with all the cancellations). I didn't get anything. I was actually negative $7 for some reason on the statment I got back from my boss. I saw my supervisor privately which apparently cost me $80, which is fine, thats how much every session I have with Lisa is (I might have to stop seeing her at the rate our money is disappearing). But thats a whole $220ish missing. Where the heck did that go? I don't know.

It doesn't seem easy to argue that with my boss. She's a pregnant Mormon woman with 6 other children, one of which is also pregnant. I hardly ever see her. she spends more time with her quilting club than with her counselors. Shes a nice person, but disorganized and kind of scary at the same time. I am seriously considering finding a new place, hopefully in the town I'm living in...sucks because I do like all the counselors I work with, and my supervisor is really fun and knowledgeable. We click. And its so laid back, I get to basically figure out how I will operate as my own private therapist... something that I don't imagine I could find in my town too easily. Its kind of a rare set up. But I might have to...

Whooooooooof. I find myself sighing deeply every few minutes...just so stressed. I have this week off because I was planning on going down...so now what do I do? I should work on the paper I got permission to turn in late...but I haven't touched it yet. Nick kind of blew up today when I found out my phone had been turned off due to my parents not paying it. It was especially bad because even if I wanted to set up my own phone plan, I wouldn't be able to most likely (at least not with ATT) because my parents had actually joined the service plan I set up a couple years ago on my own, thus making me the primary account holder and responsible for payment (the card fixed to pay it was my dads...and we owe abou $400 total).

There are just so many examples of my parents kind of screwing me over because of their irresponsibil-ness...financially and...other ways. As soon as I was old enough to build credit my dad has found little ways to ruin it (I'm still trying to fix this, but not very well). The effing foster children that molested my brother and I when I was a child because my parents weren't watching. My crooked bottom teeth from when we were traveling around the country and they didn't take me to a dentist in time to prevent it. All of the money they have borrowed from me over the years, including earlier this year when I gave my dad $600 with the promise that they would pay my phone bill for me for a year or so until the $600 was repaid. I'm just hoping at this point theyll figure otu a way to pay the $400 currently owed...

And all the stuff that happened last year with K coming in to the house. And the August stuff I talked about in here...

And the fact that I'm constantly put into a double bind situation. One minute I'm a disappointment, the next I'm the wonder child who fixes everything. Beautiful, ugly. Same sort of stuff.

Wow this is a really long entry. I'm feeling kind of alone again. But its funny, I don't mind as much as I did a month or so ago. I'm getting used to it. And at least I have space to be myself here. I still have so much trouble with the fact that I just blend with others as soon as I'm put in the same room with them. Yesterday for example, I was with Nick most of the day. I was utterly convinced that it was right for me to NOT go down. Today, Nick was not around. I spent the majority of it skyping with my parents, figuring out the phone stuff and showing them my apartment and just talking... and suddenly I wasn't sure if it was the right idea to stay up here. I literally have a huge amount of trouble knowing what *I* myself want to do. Its all based on whatever others tell me, or how they seem to be feeling, or something that we create between ourselves, netiehr completely me nor the other. I don't know. What am I supposed to do with that??!? Where the hell is me??

Its just the same stuff I've been talking about for a while in here. This is the sort of stuff thats been on my mind. Kind of hazily in my mind I guess.

Its so much easier to type i here on the keyboard for my ipad. I love this little guy. So great. Logitech for the WEEEN. heh.

I guess I should stop. I hate being so stressed. But I guess I shouldn't complain so much. Theres still a lot to be grateful for. We got a Christmas card in the mail from one of the members of Nick's prayer group from church today. There was a check in it for $100. I don't even know this man, but he wanted us to have it. There probably couldn't have been a better time to receive that little blessing. Not that it changed Nick's mood all that much. He went off to a friends, came back, we walked to pick up the car from the shop down the street, brought it back...and he left me alone again without any words. I know he's not really mad at me...just stressed and probably furious at my parents. He really hates my family. It scares me. I don't like everything they do but I still love them...and I know they don't mean to do what they do. It'd be like holding a grudge against your cat for scratching you...it doesn't know any better...They don't know what they do.

Forgive them...they know not what they do...

JEESH LONG ENTRY TONIGHT. I think its mostly because this keyboard is the type that I can type on nearly as fast I can think the words I'm going to type. Also it makes a fun clicky noise....the best kind of fun clicky noise. WHOOP WHOOOP!

What an interesting holiday season this has been!!

Ufhugugh

I keep thinking about my ugly face...

Why didn't I listen to my orthodontist and get my teeth fixed and my jaw pulled forward while it was still growing!? Now I'm stuck this ugly disgusting way, doomed to get uglier and uglier as I age. I'm going to end up looking like a troll soon..if I don't already. I don't want to smile anymore because smiling deforms my face. I'm only pretty if you look at me head on and my mouth stays closed. It's not bdd this time. I know exactly what I look like. Sure I'm pretty from the front view, but turn me to the side and you can see my nasty disgusting features. It's shocking, and whatever beauty was glimpsed from the front is forgotten, overwhelmed by the sheer reality of my freaky long nose protruding over a tiny chin...like a wrinkled oopossum or something.

I wish I could get cosmetic surgery...

I guess it's good I apparently have an attractive personality...because there is hardly anything physically attractive about me. No boobs, no good legs, and he rest is negligible really, not bad but nothing special. There's nothing really pleasant about my appearance. Maybe I will get surgery. At least help with the recessed chin. And braces I guess...yea if I could do those two things I think I could feel beautiful. I kinda like my nose shape but it's just my chin is too small....sigh I'm just gonna dwell on it forever. It was better when I had some false perception of how I looked because then i could tell myself oh no dot believ that you're beautiful you just can't see it. But I don't think that's it anymore. Im disgusting. Just gross gross gross gross gross gross grosssssssssssssssssss I just want to die or live in a pitch black cave where no one can see my face ever again.
Ugh I'm so stupid.

Just listen to your voice... (oceanlab)

Haha wow, first time re-reading my last entry. That is kind of sad that autocorrect changed might to nigger. I was going to fix it but decided not to for the time being.

On my ipad on the train heading back up from school. Its been a long few days again, but good. Just getting prepped up for returning to my life. Lots of clients to look forward to... it is still so new and shocking to me that I have clients... Am I a professional now? Is this what it is like? I still feel like I'm just foolin' everybody in my heels pressed pants and collared shirts...

I feel so young. I also have started looking at myself differently in the mirror. Not really in a good way though. I feel as though I see myself a lot more clearly. But I dunno... I'm still not used to it. And...it never really came up as much as other things did maybe but I realized (or maybe re-realized) how much I hate my nose! Its so huge... i know its straight, mostly, but its so long....it throws off my whole face. Or maybe its just because I have a recessed chin that messes everything up. Yeah, if I had a better chin I'd look ok even with my big nose. I think its gettig worse and worse the older I get. Noses grow forever. I also feel extra fat right now. My body is trying to store up for winter or something. I still fit in my clothes but I have some hangover now. Its disgusting. I was doing well on my exercise routine for a while but then just stopped. And my skin is so horrid again too...scars getting so bad from that last breakout over the summer...

Sigh... still so many issues there. So many issues all over the place.

But much of the time I am still very content. I love my classmates. They are such positive people, and they genuinely care. I feel like there are so many people I could have some serious like father and mother projections on. Haha. Oh well.

Riding on trains is kind of fun. They have these soft, cheese filled pretzels that are kind of disgustingly delicious. And only for $1.25!!! SUPER GREAT DEALZ

AIGHT PEACE OUT MIGHT

Stuck in head: Helios' song coast off

Ahhhhhhhhhhhh holy crepes!! It's been a crazy few days stress wise and emotionally wise. Really getting to the brink sort of feeling all the time...like by brink I mean... Just really exhausted; my endurance is being tested at all times and it's a constant struggle to know what is the best way to respond to someone so lost in their own eternity of pain and depression. This was probably the loneliest thanksgiving ever. Probably up there in the list for worlds most lonely thanksgiving, seriously. I had carls jr for lunch and pie and wine for dinner, all by myself. But for the last few days since then I've not even thought about this! Things got better all of a sudden as they always do. We both veered away from the edge and regained balance, at least partially.

And now it's a couple days before I take a train down to carp and attend grad school and I haven't done much of anything on my school work! Whoopity doo big surprise! I'm beyond being able to stress about this stuff anymore. I know I will do it by the deadline. No big deal. I baked a chicken breast with potatoes and carrots tonight, it came out ok for not using too many spices or anything to avoid stinking up the apartment. I burnt some bacon on the grill last Wednesday and it made things start to go way downhill. Or st least in my perspective that is a huge factor. It is hard cooking for one person somewhat.

Oh so I got the keyboard for the iPad, one that meets my requiremens. I like it a lot. It takes some getting used to having to touch the screen instead of using a mouse, but I'm hoping I will get used to it soon. I only just started messing with the word document apps and so far I have some major reservations about the single one ive tried. I nigger up buyin a few different ones, unfortunately. It's a whole new system to learn regardless and I kind of hate that aspect of it. Bleh.

So that is kind of my life right now. Huh. Mostly ok feeling at the moment.

(train noises)

Very tired at the moment. I definitely tend not to write in here uses I want to expell some amount of negativity from my system. I'll try And be more balanced.
Oh and I got the wrong keyboard for my iPad it turns out the stupid things one of those rubber or plastic deals and there is no say my crazy nimble 120+ wpm fingers can work with that nonsense! Look at my high horse! Nyah nyah!

Slwoly tryin to work my way back into an actial relationship again with my mom , still dot feel quite ready but closer...

The last few days I've again had An amazing energy holding me up thru any storm . It is a small symb of who I am growing into , or who I would like to grow into. A superwoman who can do it all and give give give with minimal given other ken return or whatever....

Anyway I'm so sleepy falling asleep as I wrote this on my iPhone g
Again nnn

Hufffffff and doooown!!!

Gaaaaaaaaaaaah!!!!

Ok so I am typing on my brand new iPad 2 right now! It's a bit easier than the iPhone at least although my actual keyboard hasn't arrived yet and I still cannot stand touch screen keypads for long periods of typing. It's just not comfortable for my fingers. I am very much a tactile typer. A lot of little glitches in the software for this thing are still making me hesitant about whether or not this was the right purchase. Text selection in particular is proving difficult or tedious in different ways. I wish there was a way to use an actual mouse on the iPad but I have heard there isn't. That is a massive bummer. But I wouldn't be surprised if it didn't solve the problem even with a mouse I dunno. Sigh.

Most of today I felt so great. Uplifted, really. Back to myoldawesomelevel of positivity and energy, something's haven't felt in a long time.... But now I am back down again. I feel so isolated up here. It is quite hard living alone with Vampy. Tonight I tried to open a bottle of wine and after struggling with it for around 15 minutes I asked him to help and though he succeeded in opening it it released a lot of wine due to the pressure I guess and some of it got on his sweatshirt. It seems as though that was just the last straw for him and he shut himself away in his room again.... And the day had been going somewhat well between us.... I don know if I can put up with all this all on my own. I know he doesn't mean to stress me out or make me feel really bad when things like this happen but it seems inevitable nd it always happens.......... And now I just feel so alone again. So alone. I gave up my whole life for this man and he can't even be with me all the time. A lot of the time, it feels like lately....

I'm an idiot.

Sad and restless when I shouldn't be...

They sail light, ocean
Sail this night, ocean
Shimmer like gold, they're singing
Filling my sleep so gently

Just let it take you
Just let it steer
Just let it take you
This is easy...

Counting the days...

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PIuNNhjYJrc&feature=youtube_gdata_player

I don't know if that link will work. I'm in another restless mood. Hung out with jj and Persian the last couple Days. And I come home and I'm just sondrained. Its like I can't be interested in anybody after too much exposure. I am too depleted. It always worries me though when this sort of thing happens, because then I wonder, how everlasting are any of my emotional ties to any of these people I know and supposedly love? Am I just incapbake of loving anyone permanently??? I don't know. I guess the problem again lies within my own lack of self knowledge and unity. There's no way I can love others if *I* can't figure out who what or where the I is. It's a scary thought, especially in forming close relationships with others. Its a terrible terrible thought in that sense, and I really hope there's a lot more to it than I curretly see... There must be. I am so blind, the more inthink about things thr less I know, you know yadda yadda..

...also...even after spending two days with jj and Persian and today with nick...I just feel so alone. Empty...almost. What the heck is going on? I have no idea. Really. Restless...

Heartacheytackky

So I sent an email to my mom to tell her I didn't want to speak with her for a while. She sends back an email describing how my email made her feel and indirectly telling me that she understands I need space to "grow" right now or some such thing, you know no big deal whatever it's cool. Then tonight she calls and leaves a voicemail asking me to help her buy something on amazon, then begins a report on hate going on in her life and the family's life. Thr only mention of the email stuff is "I hope you liked my last email!" said in a weirdly proud tone. Why are you proud? You have obviously missed the point. This just seems representative of our relationship. She hurts me, I try to retreat from her to heal, she comes in and "understands" things for a moment, and then refuses to I've me space, not even time to recover from the first hurt, and then the cycle begins again.

I don't know if I'm overreacting here. Maybe I'm just making this whole thing into a way bigger deal than it actually is. But maybe I need to for a while. For so many years of my life I dismissed this pain she incited in me, trying and succeeding in consciously dismissing it. Of course it is still there. I just can't do it anymore. It has been so debilitating to me. I see it's effects on me every moment...my spacieness, my lack o organization with certain things, my uncertainty that is often overwhelming and overall this fugue state that just makes it impossible for mento unction. I'm trying better and better, slowly becoming the finely attuned, thoughtful person I know I truly am. Who sometimes Incan be, who I was more of whenever I was away from my family.

Of course it isn't that simple. I have to change my habits when it comes to dealing with stress, otherwise I will continue to get lost whenever It becomes too much. Stupid iPhone does this thing where it won't let me see the part of he text box where I am actually typing. So many errors. Oh well.

It was nicks birthday today (yesterday) and it was a really nice, blessed day, but when into that voicemail from my mom I ended up taking a huge swi of wine, probably about 3 glasses worn in total, in under 45 minutes. Ot drunk pretty quickly as ou can imagine. I feel awful. I didn't get too weird or crazy but I did end up liking some of it back up. It was on an empty stomach. Nick kinda just left me on my own with it. I'm worried I upset him with my urge to get drunk. It as just not good and nice to end his birthday thst way. I feel awful. I guess it's good I have a phone appt with Lisa tomorrow.

Pug. I turned autocorrect back on. The struggle continues lol.

I have been having lots of brain drillingly deep dreams lately. Those ones that when you wake up you feel mentally exhausted from, you know? I can't remember many details st the moment though. One was this crazy multilayered thing where I dreamt I was in a coma, but I was dreaming while vegetated and was having like three dreams st once, one of which I could control a bit. And one of those dreams was also about me dreaming I think. The feelings in that whole thing were rather complex.

I've been feeling more and more guilty about urging myself away from my family. Well, when I think about it, I'm good at distracting myself as is i beleive well known. I've had more down time recently, for some mostl unknown reason combined with a small amount of slacking on my part I am a little low on clients at the moment.

And of course while there is plenty to keep me busy I instead while away my free time doing next to nothing.

I belies this town is a little lacking in the sushi department. I went to their highest rated restaurant yesterday and was rather disappointed. Those orange fish egg things were old and unpleasantly chewy, and overall the rolls I had along with the miso not very flavorful. Still, only one experience. I haven't tried any Thai yet, there's a place that's supposed to have good curry that sounds hopeful. Also lots of good looking Chinese to still try. It's hard to get around to it because I still have no one to dine st sub places :( anyway iPhone being lane again so I will now stop.

Darndit razzum roussumn frazzum snarfin

That was pretty much most of whst i wanted to say right up there in the title.

My whole world changes every time i hang out with someone, or hang out with someone new. Thats not exactly supposed to happen, is it? I dont know. ProbBly somewher in between. Still on my iphone, which i still hate. I wonder if thr newer ones havr better tiuch screen keybowrds. Honestly i think its just me, thst one anyway.

I was just going about ny business bein pretty alright and content wih thingsnwhen i had sort of unexpectedly spend time with another couple . Thy are alright as far as it goes for not super close friends or whayever but after they left i coildnt help from noticing thst my mood was just so much worse off than before. Maybe part of it is because i wasnt expectong it and sort of looking forward to a nice laid back day. I think also a large part of it though was just how the interactoions played out between them and anyone else. Thry sre just kind of negative judgemtnal people who seem to like to complain or make fun of others. Its like a game to them, like good gossiping i imagine, but it just dossnt sit totally well with me. I dunno, i dont want to be judgmental in return, but i guess it just made me unconfortable. And it made me think but just how much a persons minute to minuye identity might be effected by the people he or she is surrounded by. Wity the constant clashing and mixing or burning up of one persons enrgy field to another...are we in some small portion of our beong forever changed after each encounter? It wiukd seem likely. It gets me back to my old feelings of getting so lost in others around me. This part of me is very useful in therapy, but not so much in nornal social situstions. Still useful just not all the time. I still need more of a foundation within myself to rest upon. ok the iphone is drivig me crazy. Stoppingggggg

The sun is coming out ?

I finally gave in a d turned off autocorrect. Had a phone session with Lisa today, which helped. I finally am starting to feel a little resolved about the separating from my family idea, which has been botherin me and making me feel even more alone than i already was. I wish so much you lived nearby me, or somehow i could find another worthwhile, real person to be friends with. Nick is a great partner but i really still need a true, real friend to spend time with doing silly, relaxed, sporadic and childish things with.

Im still sort of trying to reach out to jgb but she isnt talkijg to me still, and shes just in such a different place i really dont feel muh of a connection with her anymore at all. Nor with jj or persian or my broher mike or anyone...

Lisa says i need to spend more time working on myself. I guess that thwt means its good i havd time to myself. Sigh.

I know theres a lot of typos, i hate the iphone touchpad. Theres no winning with it. So thst is where i am right now. Just plugging along, doing my therapy work...bouncing between happiness and sadness as always.

I am very sad right now. I get these moments of just overwhelming sadness and pain and rejection, it's terrible, and whets worse is that they always pass and I can be happy again, almost doubly so, if only because of how relieved I must be from all the sadness I just experienced. But does that make the pain any less bearable when I'm stuck in it? Not really.

I just want to cry and cry and cry, until the water shedding from my body, my eye ducts, seeps into the ground and etches out a nice dark hole for me to hide in forever. Or at least until the sun comes out again.

Your burnt offerings are not acceptable; your sacrifices do not please me.

Mmm I am experimenting a lot more in the kitchen. I am going to quickly become master of all things comforting to me to eat. Eggs, stir fries, mashes, and the like. I made a nice simple egg and veggie stir fry for breakfast today. I don't even need much seasoning, which is so great, I can just enjoy the natural flavor of the primary ingrediants along with a hunk of butter. Mmm, butter. Its sad it makes me feel like such a fatty. But yesterday I signed up for this diet app on my iphone that keeps track of how many calories you take in each day. I told it that I wanted to lose 8 lbs over the next month and it said I needed to eat 1200 calories a day in order to reach that goal. Well, I didn't even eat that much. And that was after I consumed what I thought was a large amount of food, and felt too "full" to eat anything after lunch, which consisted of 3 meatballs and a small salad with one tomato. For dinner I had some almonds and a low fat devils food cookie with a glass of wine. Not really the best diet there. Its weird though, I really love cooking to a degree, and I'm finding that I'm becoming more and more comfortable with it (finally!), but now I'm having trouble eating enough. And yet I'm still so out of shape....so lumpy and disgusting. It is so odd seeing the difference in my perception when I'm in control of my BDD and when I am not. Sometimes I look at my thigh and see a huge amorphous blob, other times I look at it and I see this thin little twig, about the same width as the palm of my hand.

My mom keeps emailing me, trying to further explain why forgiveness is a sign of spiritual enlightenment or something, and perhaps I could learn something about it if only I could follow her great example. Puh. She wants me to make plans with the family for Thanksgiving. I don't know how I'm going to break it to her that I'm not coming.


I got a costume for my halloween stuff for grad school. So silly, I still need a couple more costumes for the other 2 days. But for now, it is sure that I'm going to be a pumpkin. Yeaaaah! I'm going for a more ironic sort of extra normal costume, since usually I do something really obscure. Maybe I'll pull out my comforter again!

Is it right to let go of your own blood?

The cOnfrontation with my mother Sunday evening was very difficult and confusing and painful, just as I would have expected. She essentially said she would stop talking to him but that she did not think it was such a huge deal and that it was a gift to be able to forgive even the ones who had hurt you most. I feel as though that is well...an appalling thing to say to your child when she comes to you and pleads with you to stop being friends with a man who essentially raped her and destroyed her ability to trust herself and other peoples emotions/behavior...and it also doesn't directly apply to the original request at all. You can try to forgive a murderer, as he is still only human and ultimately we all have the capacity for such actions, but you do NOT by any means have to remain friends with him, or care about his wellbeing beyond hoping that he will see the error of his ways and find salvation etc....but my mom equates talking to this "healer" who blatantly took advantage of the all too trusting environment of my family home as being able to forgive him.

All this tells me is that my mother truly doesn't know how to care for my feelings. And as an indirect result of MY FEELINGS BEING IMPORTANT TO MYSELF AND HOW I OPERATE I have come to he conclusion that she cannot truly care about me either. Even I in some twisted way she does care, I canncannot continue to expose myself to this kind of hurtful behavior.

Because of this, I have begun to consider more thoroughly detaching myself from my family. It was so painful to be around them this last trip, and I'm starting to realize that many of he panic attack moments I've had and all the sleep terrors and so forth are probably related to my continual exposure to these mixed signals of sorts from my mother, who one minute tells me she loves me and en the next minute stomps all over my feelings and kind of inadvertently relieves herself of all of her own anxiety and pain.

And ye part of menus so strongly resistant to the idea of separating myself from my mother, and my family, who all seem to be rather unsupportive in this matter, unable to understand or accept the validity of my feelings about K or other things, as it has been over a year and supposedly I'm supposed to be over it and be able to forgive and forget I guess??!

I'm all up and down as usual. Am I being too hard on my family? Should I just accept that they cannot be there for me in this matter, that thu cannot understand? Or do I jus cut things off with then for a while, maybe a long while, so I can continue to strengthen myself until I am ready to stand solidly against their current of mixed messages and selfish perspectives...?

Oh and of course my mother has still not removed K from her Facebook.

Well, you're not there...just stay out there....

Its official, my little netbook is dying. Its been coming on for a little while now, the first major sign was the sound giving me problems. Display has also been weird at times, and it constantly wants to restart for updates. Now the wifi connection seems to be slipping. I guess this little guy has been plugging along long enough. I'm considering buying the newest generation of it when I get my student aid money or something... but I'm not sure what to do yet.

I'm at school again. Long, hectic drive down last night on a random country highway near Paso Robles, that apparently James Dean died on. I looked up exactly where he died, and it is creepy, I remember clearly that intersection because I kept missing the turn i needed to take and had to turn around twice, coming to a full stop because the lanes are so narrow. Very creepy all alone in the dark in the middle of nowhere at a place of infamy. Haha, a sort of infamy.

Anyway I need to read something before class. I am such a slackerbutt.

I paid my dues....

Writing on my iPhone again...I think I'm getting more used to this thinger.... Vampy thinks apple Inc could potentially become the mark of the beast at some point, as there are some similarities with apple products and the things described in revelation. I must say the idea of using your phone to Pay for things still kinda creeps me out.

Anyway, it is very stressful trying to be independent. Money becomes such a huge stressor. I am fortunate to have some loan money leftover as well as access to vampy aide. But still...so many bills to start worrying about on top of te entire change of environment, plus new job, new commute, new year of school just about to start (which as always I am so underprepared for), new life goals....so many new things to get adjusted to. St the end of each day I'm exhausted physically (ugh so out of shape) and mentally and emotionally. But heck this is probably what being an adult is like right? Part of me knows I can handle all of his stuff just fine, so even with the exhaustion I am already seeing how easy I can let it all go...at least sometimes. I guess all of my own personal crazies and anxieties can't just disappear overnight anyway...and sometimes those things combined with all the normal adult hints I'm starting to take on can really become too much. I've had moments now where I could see myself be

Becoming an alcoholic. iPhones messin again. So imma stop now just to keep it easy...
becoming

I have not had access to my little netbook on my new places wifi...and it's stopped me from wriing in here as I only have my iPhone for personal use...and this blog is very private.

So I'm writing this on my iphOne right now and it's an nteresting experience. I still don't know how I feel about smartphones...there's just something about the ease of use that I dislike. I'm slowly becoming more Christian in nature. Iv always been religious really, most of my life I've been involved with the catholic church, even when I had the choice I often attended of my own volition. So it makes sense to me to get back into it now, albeit in a slightly different form. It is still the same God, the same messages and practices, for the most part. I love having a more defining name for that wonderful positive energy I feel inside me all the time too; the Holy Spirit staying so close to my heart, guiding me.

My own work as a therapist has started. I really do feel as though all of a sudden I've become a real therapist, it's quite intense, but so far, it's great, or at least it feels as though it's something that I can do, probably something that I can do very well, especially after I've learned more.

I've b

For some nreason it's not letting me type there. I feel a little lonely up on this new town, although it's only been a couple weeks so far....but I guess I got used to the bustle of my family

Ok fits still being weird...I'm kinda just rambling anyway so I will stop for now and fix this at a later date.....

:(

Im having some planning issues

BUUUUH

I feel stupid and terrible right now

Even though I just had an amazing experience up north. I got the traineeship! Its going to be crazy, I start Sept 7 and the way this place works is not what I was expecting at all. I'm nervous about tit, but very excited. The whole thing is set up to immediately throw you in to what its like to have a private practice. You sort of just use the counseling center as your own office, and of course with trainees you get supervised hours too. But I will actually end up making some money from my traineeship position...anywhere from $15-40 a session after I bring in my first $500. Thats taking out the parts that go to the center itself. I wasnt expecting to make any money...its incredible how this whole thing is working out. I'm going to move to a small town outside the city ill be working in...and its so peaceful and cheap there, I can't wait. In the middle of countryside...the air is so clean and smells so lovely, its quiet and has a lake with a very windy river that reminds me of England....

Coming back to my family home today was so stressful. I'm dissociating so much, out of a need to. It was a shock to the system coming back after two peaceful days away in such a lovely environment... My mom shrieking at me, dogs barking...everything so chaotic and dirty and just uncared for.... I am so tired of it. Its just how my family functions, and it used to be ok for me, I figured out how to adapt to it just like everyone in the family has indviidually adapted to it, ages ago, who knows when, right upon leaving the womb I guess... but again I'm changing so much, I'm out of the bubble now and it feels so wrong being here. I just feel like crying right now, for other reasons, but it all ties back in to this stressful environment I'm sure. I just can't stand it. Everyone wants to be in my business all the time, my mom askng me a million questions as Im dog tired from the 6 hour drive that I did...

and now I feel stupid for even complaining about it at all. I just feel stupid and useless and dumb. I'm not good enough for this traineeship....they are expecting me to be a fully fledged indepenent therapist! I've only done practice sessions with friends and acquaintances!! I will have to be completely on my own, minus the supervised hours.... but its good. Its just....scary.... I have to grow up now. Thats kinda it.

its hitting me

Man, I feel so old right now. I'm twenty freakin five years old. Five measly more years and I'll be in my thirties. Time is going by so fast. It speeds up and up and up forever right? Well I'm feelin it.

Sitting here taking a break between doing my online psychopharm class and surfing the net I see some facebook photos from a family friend. I used to babysit for their daughter when she was a toddler. Shes well in to her preteens now I'd guess, from the looks of her. Hadn't really seen her since she was around 6 or 7 years old I guess. She looks so different. I guess I haven't had too many of those "look how much shes grown" things yet in my life. I'm gettin olddddd......

Interview in a couple days making me nervous. Im very hopeful. If  I get this position it will also involve a somewhat significant life change as well....

I'm feeling fat.

Well, grad session for summer is over! Jeesh am I exhausted, even still. Trippy.

I'm feeling very fat right now. I was looking through some of the photos from JGB's trip out here and it seems to me that the ones of me frolicking on the beach all show how lumpy I've gotten over the last year or so... my stomach sticks out far too much, its not that I am really fat, it is literally that I am out of shape. My shape is only good when I am well-toned. I can't get away with being chubby or untoned like some women can because I don't have big enough breasts to distract or balance it out. Or at least this is all how I'm feeling right now. Who knows if thats true or not.

Its all quiet in my house and from the corner of my eye I keep seeing faces poking out from another room and its freaking me out so I'm going to go.

depersonalization/derealization: possible thesis noodlin'

From Chapter Four, "The Morning Of The Stroke," Page 38

“Immediately, I felt a powerful and unusual sense of dissociation roll over me. I felt so peculiar that I questioned my well-being. Even though my thoughts seemed lucid, my body felt irregular. As I watched my hands and arms [on my exercise machine] rocking forward and back, forward and back, in opposing synchrony with my torso, I felt strangely detached from my normal cognitive functions. It was as if the integrity of my mind/body connection had somehow become compromised.

Feeling detached from normal reality, I seemed to be witnessing my activity as opposed to feeling like the active participant performing the action. I felt as though I was observing myself in motion, as in playback of a memory. My fingers, as the grasped onto the handrail, looked like primitive claws ...

... I felt bizarre, as if my conscious mind was suspended somewhere between my normal reality and some esoteric space. Although this experience was somewhat reminiscent of my morning time in Thetaville, I was sure that this time I was awake. I felt as if I was trapped inside the perception of a meditation that I could neither stop nor escape ..."

http://www.dreamchild.net/DPDR/dpdr.html

parparpar

It feels like it has been forever since I've written in here... lots has gone on. JGB came for a visit the very day of the last post. A few days before her arrival she had freaked out on me over something that I still believe was a simple miscommunication, and thus I was incredibly paranoid the entire time she was there that she would explode on me again. It was as though an abusive partner had threatened me if I stepped out of line. Sort of what it felt like. At the same time, there were a few good moments. But also, everything was tinged by the fact that my face still felt like just recently cooled plastic that had been melted and burned, and was in the stage of cracking and refitting itself to its new shape sort of. And JGB likes lots of photos...so now I have all these disgusting photos of my face to photoshop to get them to look at least somewhat normal. Seriously disgusting. Doesn't help with my BDD to have to stare and sort through these photos right now.

So the whole time was sort of forced and tinged with anxiety, I had to act much more than I would have liked to. I think part of the reason is because I feel much more distant from the type of person I used to be with JGB and J... and going out clubbing is not really something I enjoy anymore at all... the whole scene is just too......gross and dangerous feeling to me now. I like dancing but I would prefer a healthier sort of environment to do it in....need to find one of those free-dance places around here I guess since I can't really do it at home....JGB and J also strike me as grosser than before...and so immature...almost in a kind of...dare i say, primitive way? But then everyone at the clubs and on a day to day basis also come off to me that way...it just seems like a lot of people have shifted their attentions away from advancing in their lives and now seem to have made physical pleasure and to some degree ego-satisfaction their goal. JGB kept talking about how badly she wanted to get laid in CA before she went back home. She was sleeping in my bedroom with me and kept asking me to go sleep in vampy's room, which is not something  i ever do because it disturbs him. I think she just wanted the room to herself. She had brought toys. I honestly can't express how offensive that seems to me, in multiple ways. Maybe I'm being too harsh though. Maybe I was over-idealizing the world before...maybe its always been this big mixture of shallow creeps and nicer peeps. Haha, that could be a great album name "Shallow Creeps and Nicer Peeps."

Also my 6 day summer session starts tomorrow, and I'm late in doing my assignments as always...and of course this is when I decide to write in this blog too. Excellent news came today though - I have another interview lined up at a traineeship site - and this one seems like a shoe in! Its with another classmate who hyped me up to the coordinator a lot. I talked with her briefly on the phone and she seems like my dad, who is such a pushover for me I'm hopin I will be able to win her heart in a similar manner.

I'm looking to move out of my parents house as soon as I can,  just waiting to get my finances into shape. Not sure how that is going to work out. It might be pretty soon....thank goodness. I'm feeling more and more separate from my family as the days go on... the dysfunction I used to thrive in is finally starting to feel abnormal and hard to function in at all.

I should get to work. I didnt have too much to say. I feel sorta nervous and pentup right now.

I miss eggs.....

right around 2:30 it blows your mind with good speakers (give it some build up at 2:20 though)

Finally got the internet back last night. It was out for roughly 4 days. So interesting to see what I did instead. I definitely got more school work done. I have done very little since it came back besides use it. Like a starved person may try to gorge immediately as food becomes available. I think JGB is mad at me because I was so out of touch with things without internet I had completely forgotten that yesterday was July 26, her 24 birthday. I'm getting tired of her passive agressiveness. She gets so upset over the stupidest stuff sometime. PLans sort of fell through for our friday birthday party, and I think she blames me entirely, even though if she had wanted something to go down it would have been nice for her to actually try and be part of the planning instead of dumping it all on me. But this is sort of how she has always been, and really I only have myself to blame for setting myself up to be the "responsible" one. Or something, I'm not sure how that works. She has a kid! But the same thing happened when I went to visit her in March. She had nothing planned beyond her normal weekend activities she does with Ellie, I had to sit down with her and work it out for her basically.

I feel though I'm complaining too much about the whole thing. People are just people. Lately, its been a little hard to hold on to that mentality, I think because I am trying to ground myself a little bit more, you know, be a little more pragmatic... I've only ever somewhat kind a little bit been good at that, and only in very specific circumstances. I think though I want more of my life to be that way...at least for a while. I've realized that while it is very nice to be focused solely on self-actualization and the inner workings of the soul/psyche, it is both a maddening and depressing effort that is not completely suitable for me right now. I need to have time to focus on the more mundane things in life that I've so often dismissed. I think it makes sense, how can I possibly be a balanced person in any regard if I'm ignoring any area of life, to any degree? It has to be balanced thats all I can say I guess. So people have to be more than just people for a time, they have to fit a little more logically into categories, good or bad, friend or not, giver or taker...at least things like that.

I've been trying to tell the difference between red neck and white trash lately. Theres a lot of that in my town. Also a lot of "bros" who are a little easier to distinguish. I never ever really made any distinctions about these types of people before. If you had asked me what sort of person lived in simi a year or two ago, I would have just said something like, "low-middle class white people," which really doesn't give much description at all. I really had no idea. Odd. I feel so different from that person now, and I see the reason to know the distinctions, especially about people, because in speaking to them it might be something that is salient in their minds and be a very important aspect of their identity. To overlook it or not notice it at all could be devastating to them.

I was re-reading an old diary I started in 2006, and even though I am eloquent in it, there is this odd sort of innocence in the writing that is subtle but undeniable to me. It reminds me of older books from the American in the 1800s, perhaps when all of humanity was a little more innocent, at least in some regards, or at least the ones who were writing books were.  It sounds weird when I say it but somehow it rings true, at least in comparison to how I was writing at the time. Maybe I am just projecting my innocent writing onto them. Anyway, I tire of writing. Lisa gave me a new angle to approach the traineeship from, so I plan on going crazy with that one for a while.....

another doves song i like (also my parents have literally been weed whacking outside my house for 2 hours

Drive with me
Do the things you wont believe
Drive with me
Past the city and down to sea

Crushing Dreams
Leave me be, I cannot sleep

Drown with me
Past the city, down to sea
Rush of dream
Leave in peace, let me be

oh, it's the pain
It's ingrained in me
oh, soothe my pain
It's ingrained in me
 

Drive with me

get out of bed

I want to change it all....

la dee FRIKKIN da

I know I should be so much more appreciative of all the good things I do have in my life, all the great qualities about my body. I don't have to exercise at all to look trim....although my upper thighs and glutes are noticeably out of shape at this point when I wear short shorts...but even that isn't all that bad. From a distance I look completely normal, pretty even, especially with the new haircut I got in May. But it doesn't matter, because every fucking second of the day I can feel more horrible horrible skin on my face, a constant source of burning and itchy irritation, like I have fresh, inflamed scar tissue all over my face (which really I sorta do have, it feels like a chemical burn might feel). I definitely know what it would feel like to be Two-Face from Batman.

I've gone back to using Benzoyl Peroxide, the old standby for all severe acne sufferers. I didn't use it for probably around 6 months. For a while my skin stayed clear, but the slightest trigger seemed to cause a small breakout .... and that small breakout slowly spread all over my face, increasing in intensity. I think that started in around february. Its just awful because I was almost completely normal again in January when I tried to get off the regime..... and now its back to square one. It might even be worse than it was last July.... because last July I was still using BP I was just wearing makeup 24/7 and that I think is what did me in......

This whole thing just strikes me as incredibly stupid, and shallow. But I know it is so much more complicated than that. The face is what everyone judges you on............... and at this crucial point in my idenitity shaping whatever kinda thing I'm going through, this reminder that I'm stricken with adult acne possibly for the rest of my life is frustrating and tear-inducing at best.

I've been reading the message boards on acne.org and seen the reports from hundreds of people who have this problem into their 50s and 60s. Its not going to go away like everyone always told me it was, unless I can somehow figure out what is causing it for me. I found out iodine often triggers breakouts. I've always eaten so many eggs and also tuna which are high in iodine, so I guess theres another thing I've got to retract from my diet. Basically I can eat fruit and vegetables, and some carbs, and thats it seems. Guhhh the diet part is hard because I'm not very rich and theres not really any good food around my house and I suck at cooking. Im going to try probiotics and fiber supplements as well as digestive enzymes to see if it will help at all... some other guy said all he had to do was increase his caloric intake to about twice the recommended amount and suddenly his acne cleared up, and he doesn't have to wash it scrupulously or anything anymore. If only that were the case. Although eating  even the minimum caloric intake is hard enough for me these days. My current suspiscion is that its a digestive problem, but a week or two ago I was convinced it was a Zinc or B5 deficicieny or an A deficiency or whatever and that doesn't seem to be helping.............. but I guess this is just what I'm going to have to keep doing until I figure it out..


Until then I'm going to BP the shit out of my face and hope that it at least looks somewhat smooth with makeup on by the time JGB gets here in a week and we have to have the bday celebration with all the old high school buddies. Dammit how embarassing, they haven't seen me since high school when I had a shitty complexion and now after having a couple of years of relatively good skin (very relatively) they get to see me back in the same spot as I was then. Frustrating sfkjas;fkjlkgajgl;kj

Anyway this is just a useless venting update. No importante.

Put a paper bag on me and i'm passable...

I'm having trouble focusing on anything right now. My face is a terrible mess, as bad as it was last year around this time, but in a worse way because its harder to hide it behind my hair. I've been trying so hard not to use any of the harsh chemical stuff I was using daily to keep it clean.... and it just doesn't seem to work without it. Maybe I will just go back to it, my face is too oily and disgusting to prevent these horrible breakouts without it. Fucking a I'm going to be 25 on friday and I look like a pizza faced 15 year old. I'm so sick of looking so monstrous and bumpy. And it stings and it itches and my skin gets so dry even moving my mouth to speak pulls on all the cysts and pimples and causes even more irritation, but I can't touch it or it breaks out more, I don't want to move or say anything all day and night, and I can't face anyone without putting makeup on....I went nearly two days without makeup and it was so depressing, the whole time I felt gawked at like a carnival freak. I just want to curl up in my room in the dark and not move as much as possible until my face stops looking and feeling so horrible....

I've tried so many different angles to solve this problem and its just not going away. WHAT IS THE SECRET??? WHY DO I GET THESE MONSTROUS GROWTHS ON MY FACE?! I just want to be normal....just a little bit....

It makes it worse that if it wasn't for this skin problem I would be beautiful to a large degree. I got some very pretty dresses today, but with my face as horrid as it is, I don't feel pretty wearing them. Please God, if you really want me to believe in you, let me enjoy being young and healthy looking for at least a few of my young adult years.... just tell me what to do....................

something like infinity

Being... being human...and having even the semblance of awareness of the universe, the whole thing, the infinite...it just doesn't work. Its not allowed. Our bodies can't filter all that information, a dam broken through, an atomic bomb blasting through, a disintegrating visibility.

The sun is a great example of this. We all know what it looks like, a great yellow ball against a bright blue or gray, a hazy sunset with ripples of cloud penetrating through the glow. But if you stare at it, if I stare at it, it changes. It becomes a pure white, brighter than any other white you've ever seen. Keep staring and you see its shadow pushing against it. Keep staring and the inverse of the shadow, a neon sort of white, burns itself into your eyelids. Stare even further, the shadow droops, the sun itself expands and the sky around it melts. Stare more, the sun is melting down, mixing with its shadow, and reaching towards you down on the earth. A pure white flash blurs your vision; the shadow drips in. Then your eyes sink into the back of your skull and all is left is a warm, warm darkness. It drills into the far back of your head, burrowing like a giant, burning worm until it pokes out the back of your head, wiggles through your hair and plops onto the ground, writhing on the floor, shriveling into itself and back into nothing.

Am I missing something? 

poopstuff

Just a real quick thought. I'm starting to figure out how to socialize with normal chicks a bit more, especially at grad school where I feel most comfortable socializing in general these days...

But it still bothers me a lot to do it, at least by the singular effective method I've discovered at this point. It seems like you can build an almost automatic rapport with a woman if you just compliment her in some way about her appearance, especially clothing or jewelry. It is most effective when you then ask them "Where did  you find that?" like you want to know so you can go shop there yourself. And then you have to stand there and listen to their longass story about where they found it and how they just had to have it once they saw it blah blah blah pretend you're interested until they stop but then after you do that BAM you're part of the female circle!

I know its stupid of me to write about this in here right now, in light of all the other things. Its obviously all just a part of my projection about women, esp superficial seeming ones. Which is just caused by my resistance to being that way myself, and my insecurities over acknowledging that I am in fact that way too!

I still don't like gabbering on about where I bought my shoes for long periods of time though. Yeesh. Well, I hope I don't. Maybe I do now, ugh, I'm becoming too feminine, its gross. Constant back and forth this whole process is, huh. Speaking of process...I have to write a paper for my process class tomorrow still. Huh.

Well, this was a good distraction, in multiple ways. HAH...........

I can't believe............anything.

I feel as though there are two parts (or maybe more) inside me that are at war with one another. And so much stress going on just around me. Its like being around a ticking timebomb....or rather, something really delicate and explosive....where if one little thing happens to it it goes BLAM!!! And stress is unfurled for everyone involved.

I'm walking on this real delicate path trying to avoid setting off the bomb all the time. Trying to diffuse it too, ever so slowly.....and at the same time, working on myself....slowly trying to diffuse that as well.

And I'm somewhere in the midst of all of these changes.....sticking my head out occasionally to check out how things are going, what the whole situation looks like....but inevitably I have to duck back down into the thick of it and thats when time just slides by like so many colorful streaks of light...

across the seas

Sometimes I wonder if I'm just slowly losing my mind. Had some sleep paralysis deal last night involving aliens thrumming outside my window, vague feelings of my life draining out of my body again. It is such an odd feeling, to feel your soul being sucked slowly out, leaving nothing but numbness and fear...feeling the darkness envelop whatever spark of your consciousness remains.

I hope that throughout any madness I might encounter that I can stay aware and reflective of it, at the very least. I don't want to be one of those people speaking to themselves in a public place completely unaware of what she's doing. In a way though, I think my desire for such absolute consciousness is what is causing the madness. Excessive rumination can do that, I suspect. I think Jung went through a similar period. Another thing that might be causing it is just the depth to which I am immersing myself in...depth psychology. Learning about mental illness is a dangerous process for someone like me who learns best by letting the knowledge seep to the very roots of my being. I'm getting all these weird symptoms of different things....self diagnosing becomes even easier when you start producing the symptoms on your own. Of course there is a substantial basis for all the stuff I am experiencing beyond me simply reproducing whatever I read about....but who knows where that line is drawn.

Slowly I'm getting ready for another change. A new life. I'm getting closer. Dealing with my old self in a healthy way that can both acknowledge its presence and move forward, without suppressing it but without being held back anymore by it. That is the goal. That should always be everyone's goal, I think, generally. Its a never-ending sort of thing.


Sleepwalker stole my  night
Cute was the danger
In a stranger's land
I can't believe she's gone
I do so hope she will see me through
I love you so....

who do we think we are?

The last few days or so I have felt as though I'm suffering from some amount of brain damage...or perhaps just trauma shutting down certain areas of functioning. I've been clumsier than usual...more forgetful and had more little ticks and weird things. Burning sensations on my hands, weird eye moments, sometimes I think I'm saying one thing and then actually be saying something I was previously thinking about or reading or even worse it just comes out as gibberish. Not sure what this all means. I'm a little worried. But it could just be malnutrition or some other sort of imbalance... or just my psyche fucking with me. Conversion disorder, depersonalization disorder... Yeah. Who knows....

I got my blood allergy tests results back. I'm not allergic to any foods, except maybe walnuts? Walnut trees for sure I am though. Who would have thought! Those deadly creatures!!

I'm pretty dang allergic to cats and dogs, and well probably other animals with dander, duh. As if I wasn't aware.  And mold too. Nice to know I can eat normal thigns though, besides milk, since I'm deifnitely lactose intolerant.

Also my bloodwork finally proved it: I'm officially anemic. Shoulda listened to my mom and everyone else ever about that. The most typical kind of course - iron deficient anemia. The doc said I had almost no iron in my body whatsoever. Whoopsies!  I already had a bottle of iron supplements too, just never opened it. That explains the fact that I can kinda fall asleep whenever I want mosta the time.

I'm writing in here more because I'm avoiding doing my work...hmm what else can i blab about? finally got a response from another trainee site....but its only sorta kinda hopeful. My cover letter and resume got passed on from the HR assistant to the hiring managers, if they like my 2 pages of self-aggrandization (which was very painful to write, as always) more than all the other interns maybe I'll get an interview, and then if they like my face and mannerisms enough to beat all the other applicants, then I have a traineeship.

I'm too lazy to go back and correct my spelling, capitalization, and punctuation right now. Yep. Just did a lot of muscle workouts in the backyard, so my arms and hands are all pooped!

POOPED I TELL YOU.

POOPED.

Armoured cars sail the sky
They’re pink at dawn
If I lived forever you just wouldn’t be so beautiful
As the sun
When it shines
All over the world
We’re pilots watching the stars
The world pre-occupied
We’re pilots watching the stars
Who do you think we are?
Ice and clouds
Shimmer outside
Rain just falls

 At magic hour

It’s just the sound                       

Of you and me
Time twitching
Murmurs of our friendly machine 

bdfgkjflj

Had a nice ol' fashioned panic attack today.

where in? Wherein... Wear in...

Trying to figure out what to write in this thing has been difficult since the last post. I guess I can just describe what life has been like for the last month or more.

Its been challenging, as per usual these days, weeks, months, years. When was it ever not? I don't recall. But thats life anyway...silly to point it out really. The days have been slipping by with time hardly registering on my radar. Its been like living in a dream almost. Not one of those idealistic, super pleasant ones of course. Not a fantasy land. Just that odd state of timelessness and hazy shiftiness that accompanies most dreams. Theres been lots of stressful moments, and moments of detachment and aloneness, as per my usual. Theres been a bubbling undercurrent of repugnance and resistance to my family, to my old self in relation to my family, and especially to my mother, fueled by my own awakening into myself, I can only assume.

Theres also been more of a routine in place, for the most part.

Every day  I wake up at around 7am, shower, put on my makeup (I got a consult finally, so now the whole process takes a little longer than before), eat, blow dry my hair if I've washed it (trying to skip every other day, unless I've gone somewhere particularly dirty the day before), and wait around for him. Sometimes he gets a little sleep between 6 and 9am. I read, watch Netflix, or go on the internet. Try to find trainee-ships, or more likely, just procrastinate... he texts me to let me know he is awake, I go and visit him in his room which is separate from the rest of the house. He tries to avoid coming in as much as possible generally, my family home is not pleasant to his sensitive nose most of the time. I eat at regular intervals throughout the day now, making sure I don't lose a lot of weight like before. I usually have to eat it away from him inside the house.

My family is all too oblivious to the stink. I used to be, just one of the ways I'm not anymore. If he is feeling really ill we stay in his room and listen to the radio or watch Netflix. Or maybe play xbox. If he feels up for it maybe we go do errands. Later on in the day I do more homework, he plays guitar if he is well enough. I procrastinate looking for more trainee-ships. Or I find a few, email a couple of them and then save the rest in my email to do later. At some point he tries to eat something. He has lost a lot of weight lately. Stress triggers horrible bouts of nausea and nerve pain that often lead to him vomiting up blood. Nothing he takes for this ever completely cures it, and he is getting sick of depending on any type of medication slung at him. One of the ways to prevent attacks is to eat lots of sweets and carbs but the attacks cause such bad nausea he can't eat...so this terrible cycle prevails where he doesn't eat, gets stressed, then gets sicker, then doesnt eat...and so on.

If he feels up to it, we go on a walk around the neighborhood at some point each day. Lately that hasn't happened. If he's really feelin good we go to the batting cages. He used to play before college. Sometimes we go shopping, for food, for clothes, exercise equipment, or other random little things like that. This hasn't happened for a while either. The day kind of continues this way. Maybe we play more xbox, maybe I do more homework, maybe watch more Netflix. Maybe we just sit around and talk about life and deeper things.I've finally figured out a way to be humorous with him at times too. Its still a little personality squelching for me at times, but I've adjusted. .......At night I usually end up exhausted and in bed by around 11pm, after he tells me he wants to try and sleep, or more likely go into "vampire mode," which means he lays still in bed with headphones on zoning out to music, fighting the pain. This is whats going on most days, unless we have some other things planned. Doctors visits, physical therapy, my own personal therapy, special events...also at times there are moments where he is too stressed to handle my presence, or I say something that triggers stress, and I have to leave. Then I usually go inside and do my own thing. I've been trying to sunbathe with no makeup on lately. It seems to be helping my skin a little... I have hope that that and not eating dairy will help me finally cure my affliction....mostly, at least. I'd like to not have to wear makeup anymore...

The last week or so has been punctuated by unfortunate trips back up to the SB area to visit with his mother, which always triggers an attack. Really bad ones too.

But it has also been punctuated with at least a couple of good times. Going to Disneyland was a nice break, albeit tiring in and of itself. I find socializing with "normal" people these days is a lot harder to do. I'm so adjusted to the abnormal kind of lifestyle I've adopted, where I have to move less abruptly, speak quietly and in a thoughtful way all the time...being around a lot of my old friends is almost like standing and trying to talk to a 10 piece brass band in the middle of a roaring performance. Simply said, it just doesn't lead to any good conversation or meaningful interaction. I know how alien this relationship is to normal ones. Theres limited physical interaction, and a necessary amount of emotional distance at times too. But its incredibly fulfilling as well. Hard to explain... I guess its sort of like the perfect balance of opposites. My light to his dark.

The baseball game last night was really fun too, my brother got us really good seats and fun was certainly had by all. I wouldn't mind attending more baseball games, its such an interesting environment to observe. The human zoo, and all. Surprisingly good beer, too.

Anyway, that is sort of a glimpse of things right now. I'm still stressing out over grad school stuff, when I stop to think about it. I know that I'm probably in some kind of depressive fugue most of the time, but it almost feels completely tolerable. I guess its gotten to feel more and more normal this way. I can't tell if thats a bad thing or good, not quite yet. I guess we shall see how things progress.

i hope you know i think of you every day

I keep wanting to write something in here, directly for you. I can't think of how to say it though. I don't want to hurt you anymore than I already have over the past year or more at this point.

I still miss you. And I still wonder every day, throughout the day, should i have made this choice?

Truly, we were the best of friends. Such an intense, loving connection. So much happiness came to me from being together with you. I still haven't been able to replicate that kind of...natural rapport we had. Even though I'm changing a lot, adapting to a new life, a new me... I still often really want that back. Its terrible to bring it up ever, but its been on my mind a lot.  I miss it. I really do. I miss you. Know that. I feel as though I've lost something amazing, and its my fault, it was my choice, from the very beginning of all this.

There is a huge hole in my life now...and maybe there will always have to be. This hole in my heart where you lived. Its a pretty tremendous hole. It hurts to think of how much misery you might be in, how alone you might feel. It hurts even more not to have enough contact with you, even if it is necessary right now. I want you to have space if you need it, even if its not what I want. I still want you in my life, as we've discussed. I wish it could be more, more time spent having awesome moments, similar to what we had. I don't know how feasible that is, even if it was once and a while. It seems like theres no going back at this point, and even as I miss it desperately I'm not certain if it would be the right thing to do, even if I could. It wouldn't be right, not right now. I don't know why I feel like that exactly. I really don't. My life doesn't seem to be making sense, I still don't quite know who is running the show, or whether or not I ever had any control over it in the first place. Chaos and agonizing pain. Stress, and a new way to view life.

Still, I miss all of it, to varying degrees. I guess... I just don't want you to think it didn't mean anything to me. It meant so much to me. The meaning and emotions I got from us is different from any other relationship I've ever been in, to this very day, and they were powerful and special to me. So many things we did that I don't think I'll ever do with anyone else, not to the same degree anyway. We were so simpatico...I miss all of the laughter, the joy, the absolute freedom of expression...the eternal supportiveness and understanding. I look back on our time with an overwhelming fondness, along with the regret and the doubts about leaving it in the past.

I don't know how much I should keep talking about all this. I could say so much more. It just makes me so sad...just...so deeply deeply sad. I really don't want to upset you too much with this, but I've just been so dying to speak with you in some way again...even if you just need space. Oh, god, maybe I shouldn't post this at all. If its too much let me know. I hope someday you can forgive me....at least for some of what I did to you. I hope also that you can be so happy that I no longer have any power to hurt you. Even if it means not getting to have you in my life at all, which  I really really don't want. At this point, I guess what is more important is that you can be well again.

plaaaagueddd

by doubts.........

someone like me...

Lost a fair amount of weight the last few weeks...I dont know whats going on, I thought I was eating a lot just a month or so ago... but it was just the occasional binge episode that was a lot, and besides that I really wasn't eating. My body's starting to look wasted and gross... I've got to get back to where I was eating habits wise... I don't want to be so unhealthy physically, its just making it harder to recover mentally.

What a trap that is... the mental disease is what caused the physical reaction to not eat in the first place, and now the physical disease is encouraging the mental disease...and so on....

So much to say...........but no energy for it...........

lost in something more mysterious than simple thought....

one staggering sway at a time

It might be good to remember that I'm stuck with this body that I have. So............. I might as well be comfortable with it.


Embrace it as part of who I am.... ugly or not.










puhh..... anyway, this bdd thing is obviously just another clever avoidance tactic on my part...

No one said
That this would be easy
With each step
the ground disappears
And its not dead
But you can't seem to reach it
Once a friend
Has turned into a thief

You have got to find the key somewhere
to unlock the mystery
if you dare
Time is nearly up for you
to save the world

where are things now....?

How long now?
How long now?

I love you
Steel painted eyes
Feels like snow
Change my head
Days so long...

You never know, you never know
You never know
You never know, you never know
You never know
Just how long it will be...

Here we go again
We're going round and round
Here we go again
We're going round and round

Today I know --
It's too long dare
We'll see
Feels like snow;
Chained myself to me

You never know, you never know
You never know
You never know, you never know
You never know
Just how long it will be...

Here we go again
We're going round and round
Here we go again
We're going round and round

How long now?
Longest story...

Welcome to the human condition

WHY AM I SO UGLY? I guess if I was normal ugly from the start it wouldn’t be so bad. But my ugliness has gotten worse with age, I think. And the worst thing is, some people call me pretty, or beautiful, or whatever. Why do they tell me I’m so beautiful? It just makes it hurt all the more when I look in the mirror and see how inaccurate they are. Its like they do it just to point out to me again that I’m a disgusting, ill-bred creature that causes everyone who sees to stare with eyes wide before they look away hurriedly, hoping I didn't notice. Maybe what it is is that they can see how I might have actually been beautiful, if my skin wasn't so horrid and my overall facial structure wasn't so deformed. They see the hints of beauty, the odd angle or two where things look relatively proportional and symmetrical, and the skin stuff isn't too noticeable. And then the angles adjust and they see the grossness, all of my ugliness in conjunction with the potential for some amount of beauty buried deep underneath...

I know this to be true, all of it! I know it! I know it is true and no matter what anyone says, they're lying! They don't want me to be aware of how ugly and weird I am, for some reason. They try to make me feel better with their lies about me, calling me beautiful as if it was even true in reality. STOP CALLING ME BEAUTIFUL DAMMIT

God dammit, why am I so insecure? And why can I have these brief moments where I step back from my own personal madness and see things for how they really are? I know I’m completely off step about all this shit but it doesn’t stop me from getting sucked into it over and over again…….

Every time I think about my face, I just want to shrivel up and die. Thats how bad it is right now. Fuck me. I'm an idiot.No, I'm worse than just an idiot, at least they have the possibility of loving themselves. I'm a shallow idiotic slug with no self esteem.

I'm trying so hard to be a woman right now, but I can't. I don't look like a woman. I don't have the necessary bits, the mannerisms, the hygeine, the ability to style myself properly. The face, etc. I'm just some piece of shit creature with no real level of phsyical attractiveness whatsoever, no identifiable gender.... lkasjglaksjg;lkfgja i might as well shutup this self loathing is just making me feel even more pathetic

keep on truckin'

Exhausting day. Drove an hour and a half north to do one measly practice session, but hopefully it was worth it. It was nice to spend some time with my father as well.

Pressure for school work coming up. still haven't studied nearly enough for my DSM exam coming up in a week and a half. The idea of memorizing 3/4 of the DSM has been so daunting i've avoided even trying. Great strategy, of course, definitely a winner.

Other things on my mind lately have also stopped me from doing more of my work... did get through one whole reading assignment though, and have been doing my online course work. But i realyl need to find a traineeship site. They are all filling up so quickly. Just found anotehr place in Simi I am going to try and apply at.

So much sadness. Pain.

forever falling

I have to keep remembering that I've chosen most of what I'm dealing with now. Not the stuff I was hypnotized over, not that. The newer stuff. All this pain that I don't have to deal with, but am dealing with. So much pain. Sheer agony. And I'm choosing it for a damn good reason. At least one good reason, maybe more. And its a selfish one too. I need this pain. Its like when you work out at a gym and get sooo exhausted/overworked because your body doesn't want to strain itself. Part of me doesn't want to strain myself with this either, but I'm just gonna burn through that resistance and keep going. I'm gonna get through all this pain, strengthening myself through this trial until the pain no longer has a hold on me.

And then just think of what might be possible.

i can still feel it

Cant sleep yet. Had a weird dream last night where i felt what it was like to be dying. My breath slipped out of my lungs one last time, my heartbeat slowly faded away... and right as it was all about to stop, silently, completely...as my soul was being pulled out of my body, I woke up with a start.

crazinyeimtnglk

Stayed home from grad school today. Hopefully wont' have too many repercussions on my grades this quarter. I'll be going tomorrow and sunday though....although I've thought about not going.






Tomorrow marks the 1 year anniversary of a horrible horrible night for me.

pink eye with a pink shirt and pink things

I think I might be getting pink eye. Its about time, I've had these terrible contacts for a year or so and have been constantly touching them whilst wearing them in order to keep them in focus. Plus, JJ and evan both got it back when they had strep throat. I never got diagnosed with it but im pretty sure i had a low level variation of it. And theres still bacteria in  the back of my throat on my tonsils that probably made its way into my eyeball by now...

I asked my optometrist about em once early on and she said they were my only option at this point, unless iw anted to switchto glasses. I had to take one of em out tonight so I'm typing this with one good eye. Seriously my vision has gotten significantly worse over the last year, at least. I can't see anything when i close my contact-laiden eye, its all just a colored blur. at least before i remember i couldve seen the line where the text was... no more. ah well. Good times.

babaduhbuhduh BABADUHBUHDUH

Trying to keep myself together these last few days or week or whatever since my last appointment with Lisa. It was a difficult one for a multitude of reasons. Finally starting to take my flower essences more regularly. I'm taking Lisa more seriously about how I might be imbalanced mood-wise. I think I've always had the mood swingy thing but it has probably been more extreme since K last year as I fought to break whatever mental chains he threw over me... and that I think I still in part am fighting. I can't blame all of it on him though.

Writing this Jung paper has been fun, doing some dream analysis work. I'll probably post parts of it on here when I'm finished, because its fun and interesting to me.

After I finish this paper (which is due by post office closing time today! haha) I hope to start taking even more care of myself. I haven't exercised in weeks and its awful. Diet is slowly getting better...though I think I have also developed a bit of an eating  disorder. More of a binge purge thing. I gorge on snacks after not eating for most of the day... gotta nip that in the butt quick!

Anyway back to paper writing...................................................

puella aeterna

“The “eternal girl,” or puella, is a woman who psychologically has remained a young girl, even though chronologically she may be sixty or seventy years of age. She remains a dependent daughter, tending to accept the identity others project upon her. In doing so, she gives over to others her own strength as well as the responsibility for shaping her identity. Quite often she marries a rigidly authoritarian man and becomes the image of woman he wants. Often she looks and acts innocent, helpless, and passive. Or she may rebel, but in her rebellion remains the helpless victim caught in feelings of self-pity, depression, and inertia. In either case, she is not directing her own life.”

keep going back to this...

You said the thing you said and you twisted me up
I don't feel any different but its there in my head
Stuck like glue, like a molecule
Like my brain, a speeding train
I'll never be the same
Will we always be the same?

You did the thing you did, and it twisted me up
Now I'm wrestling with reality
Waiting for the bell to ring
And you kill me, you still me
Come find me, don't lose me
That is all I want, that is all I want

The sky, the rising sun... Solitary
And you my only one... Solitary

And in the morning when I wash my face
I see happy, I see tired
I see ugly, I see peaceful
I'm waiting, running, I'm not angry, or wired
I just get a little worried sometimes

Then I do the things I do, but they still twist me up
I'm wrestling with my sanity
Listening for the bell to ring
And I kill me, I fool me
Can't find me, don't lose me
That is all I want, that is all I want

The sky, the rising sun... Solitary
And you my only only one... Solitary
No time, no end believe... Solitary

You did the thing you did, and it twisted me up
Now I'm wrestling with reality
Waiting for the bell to ring
And you kill me, you still me
Come find me, don't loose me
That is all I want, that is all I want

The sky, the rising sun... Solitary
And you my only one... Solitary
The shore is to the sea... Solitary
And in the end we'll be... Solitary

Sabia

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jcvpsqsPcGo

That song struck a chord with my current mood right now, and I think my craptastic google translation of the lyrics explains a bit why.

I just really miss a lot of things lately... and I dont know if they can ever be that way again...but im really starting to want them to be...

Vou voltar
Sei que ainda vou voltar
Para o meu lugar
Foi lá e é ainda lá
Que eu hei de ouvir cantar
Uma sabiá

fsdfsfsf release me from darkness..

Haven't posted in a whillle. Sorta not doin the journaling as much. Definitely should be. In my last session of winter quarter this weekend. I have a 3 page paper to write that is due tomorrow!

So this one won't be long. It was an interesting time in class tonight. We were learning about body movement therapy, so of course we had to practice some of it on ourselves... the teacher had us doing something called authentic movement, where basically you just move however your body feels like moving... trying not to act at all, just moving as you feel like....

I have rug burns from when I did it. I kind of ended up dissociating like I used to when I had panic attacks and thrashing around on the ground for a little while. Pretty weird. The teacher almost came up to help me but I got in under control by myself...brought things back together, reminded myself of some things Lisa had told me about my inner strength and such... it was still interesting, because for every one person doing authentic movement, there were two people acting as "witnesses;" after my movement time was over, i got back together with them and we discussed what had gone down with me. They said it looked like a scary, but beautiful, choreographed dance, how I moved about, fluxing between a few dissociative moments (one involving the thrashing) and beautiful, healing sort of motions I guess. I only mention what they said because it didn't feel that way to me. It felt like  I was fighting for control the whole time, wanting to release the pain, the fear, the tension, inside me, but not wanting it to overwhelm me physically, which is why I was able to snap out of the dissociations so quickly on my own... i kept trying to balance between releasing the darkness and reaching out to my own inner light again to keep myself in check....

It was a good experience, overall, even if I was sweaty and scraped by the end of it. Alright, back to paper writing....

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OB5Qoy8JHdI

I live amidst the nonbeing

And fixed in this nothingness

I retain it all

And everything is but a game.

My own creation,

It’s a vision within the hands

Of all humanity.

Kindness, respect, disregarded

It is just what it is

And of course,
What

it 

is

not.