Heartacheytackky

So I sent an email to my mom to tell her I didn't want to speak with her for a while. She sends back an email describing how my email made her feel and indirectly telling me that she understands I need space to "grow" right now or some such thing, you know no big deal whatever it's cool. Then tonight she calls and leaves a voicemail asking me to help her buy something on amazon, then begins a report on hate going on in her life and the family's life. Thr only mention of the email stuff is "I hope you liked my last email!" said in a weirdly proud tone. Why are you proud? You have obviously missed the point. This just seems representative of our relationship. She hurts me, I try to retreat from her to heal, she comes in and "understands" things for a moment, and then refuses to I've me space, not even time to recover from the first hurt, and then the cycle begins again.

I don't know if I'm overreacting here. Maybe I'm just making this whole thing into a way bigger deal than it actually is. But maybe I need to for a while. For so many years of my life I dismissed this pain she incited in me, trying and succeeding in consciously dismissing it. Of course it is still there. I just can't do it anymore. It has been so debilitating to me. I see it's effects on me every moment...my spacieness, my lack o organization with certain things, my uncertainty that is often overwhelming and overall this fugue state that just makes it impossible for mento unction. I'm trying better and better, slowly becoming the finely attuned, thoughtful person I know I truly am. Who sometimes Incan be, who I was more of whenever I was away from my family.

Of course it isn't that simple. I have to change my habits when it comes to dealing with stress, otherwise I will continue to get lost whenever It becomes too much. Stupid iPhone does this thing where it won't let me see the part of he text box where I am actually typing. So many errors. Oh well.

It was nicks birthday today (yesterday) and it was a really nice, blessed day, but when into that voicemail from my mom I ended up taking a huge swi of wine, probably about 3 glasses worn in total, in under 45 minutes. Ot drunk pretty quickly as ou can imagine. I feel awful. I didn't get too weird or crazy but I did end up liking some of it back up. It was on an empty stomach. Nick kinda just left me on my own with it. I'm worried I upset him with my urge to get drunk. It as just not good and nice to end his birthday thst way. I feel awful. I guess it's good I have a phone appt with Lisa tomorrow.