parparpar

It feels like it has been forever since I've written in here... lots has gone on. JGB came for a visit the very day of the last post. A few days before her arrival she had freaked out on me over something that I still believe was a simple miscommunication, and thus I was incredibly paranoid the entire time she was there that she would explode on me again. It was as though an abusive partner had threatened me if I stepped out of line. Sort of what it felt like. At the same time, there were a few good moments. But also, everything was tinged by the fact that my face still felt like just recently cooled plastic that had been melted and burned, and was in the stage of cracking and refitting itself to its new shape sort of. And JGB likes lots of photos...so now I have all these disgusting photos of my face to photoshop to get them to look at least somewhat normal. Seriously disgusting. Doesn't help with my BDD to have to stare and sort through these photos right now.

So the whole time was sort of forced and tinged with anxiety, I had to act much more than I would have liked to. I think part of the reason is because I feel much more distant from the type of person I used to be with JGB and J... and going out clubbing is not really something I enjoy anymore at all... the whole scene is just too......gross and dangerous feeling to me now. I like dancing but I would prefer a healthier sort of environment to do it in....need to find one of those free-dance places around here I guess since I can't really do it at home....JGB and J also strike me as grosser than before...and so immature...almost in a kind of...dare i say, primitive way? But then everyone at the clubs and on a day to day basis also come off to me that way...it just seems like a lot of people have shifted their attentions away from advancing in their lives and now seem to have made physical pleasure and to some degree ego-satisfaction their goal. JGB kept talking about how badly she wanted to get laid in CA before she went back home. She was sleeping in my bedroom with me and kept asking me to go sleep in vampy's room, which is not something  i ever do because it disturbs him. I think she just wanted the room to herself. She had brought toys. I honestly can't express how offensive that seems to me, in multiple ways. Maybe I'm being too harsh though. Maybe I was over-idealizing the world before...maybe its always been this big mixture of shallow creeps and nicer peeps. Haha, that could be a great album name "Shallow Creeps and Nicer Peeps."

Also my 6 day summer session starts tomorrow, and I'm late in doing my assignments as always...and of course this is when I decide to write in this blog too. Excellent news came today though - I have another interview lined up at a traineeship site - and this one seems like a shoe in! Its with another classmate who hyped me up to the coordinator a lot. I talked with her briefly on the phone and she seems like my dad, who is such a pushover for me I'm hopin I will be able to win her heart in a similar manner.

I'm looking to move out of my parents house as soon as I can,  just waiting to get my finances into shape. Not sure how that is going to work out. It might be pretty soon....thank goodness. I'm feeling more and more separate from my family as the days go on... the dysfunction I used to thrive in is finally starting to feel abnormal and hard to function in at all.

I should get to work. I didnt have too much to say. I feel sorta nervous and pentup right now.