across the seas

Sometimes I wonder if I'm just slowly losing my mind. Had some sleep paralysis deal last night involving aliens thrumming outside my window, vague feelings of my life draining out of my body again. It is such an odd feeling, to feel your soul being sucked slowly out, leaving nothing but numbness and fear...feeling the darkness envelop whatever spark of your consciousness remains.

I hope that throughout any madness I might encounter that I can stay aware and reflective of it, at the very least. I don't want to be one of those people speaking to themselves in a public place completely unaware of what she's doing. In a way though, I think my desire for such absolute consciousness is what is causing the madness. Excessive rumination can do that, I suspect. I think Jung went through a similar period. Another thing that might be causing it is just the depth to which I am immersing myself in...depth psychology. Learning about mental illness is a dangerous process for someone like me who learns best by letting the knowledge seep to the very roots of my being. I'm getting all these weird symptoms of different things....self diagnosing becomes even easier when you start producing the symptoms on your own. Of course there is a substantial basis for all the stuff I am experiencing beyond me simply reproducing whatever I read about....but who knows where that line is drawn.

Slowly I'm getting ready for another change. A new life. I'm getting closer. Dealing with my old self in a healthy way that can both acknowledge its presence and move forward, without suppressing it but without being held back anymore by it. That is the goal. That should always be everyone's goal, I think, generally. Its a never-ending sort of thing.


Sleepwalker stole my  night
Cute was the danger
In a stranger's land
I can't believe she's gone
I do so hope she will see me through
I love you so....