Trying to figure out what to write in this thing has been difficult since the last post. I guess I can just describe what life has been like for the last month or more.
Its been challenging, as per usual these days, weeks, months, years. When was it ever not? I don't recall. But thats life anyway...silly to point it out really. The days have been slipping by with time hardly registering on my radar. Its been like living in a dream almost. Not one of those idealistic, super pleasant ones of course. Not a fantasy land. Just that odd state of timelessness and hazy shiftiness that accompanies most dreams. Theres been lots of stressful moments, and moments of detachment and aloneness, as per my usual. Theres been a bubbling undercurrent of repugnance and resistance to my family, to my old self in relation to my family, and especially to my mother, fueled by my own awakening into myself, I can only assume.
Theres also been more of a routine in place, for the most part.
Every day I wake up at around 7am, shower, put on my makeup (I got a consult finally, so now the whole process takes a little longer than before), eat, blow dry my hair if I've washed it (trying to skip every other day, unless I've gone somewhere particularly dirty the day before), and wait around for him. Sometimes he gets a little sleep between 6 and 9am. I read, watch Netflix, or go on the internet. Try to find trainee-ships, or more likely, just procrastinate... he texts me to let me know he is awake, I go and visit him in his room which is separate from the rest of the house. He tries to avoid coming in as much as possible generally, my family home is not pleasant to his sensitive nose most of the time. I eat at regular intervals throughout the day now, making sure I don't lose a lot of weight like before. I usually have to eat it away from him inside the house.
My family is all too oblivious to the stink. I used to be, just one of the ways I'm not anymore. If he is feeling really ill we stay in his room and listen to the radio or watch Netflix. Or maybe play xbox. If he feels up for it maybe we go do errands. Later on in the day I do more homework, he plays guitar if he is well enough. I procrastinate looking for more trainee-ships. Or I find a few, email a couple of them and then save the rest in my email to do later. At some point he tries to eat something. He has lost a lot of weight lately. Stress triggers horrible bouts of nausea and nerve pain that often lead to him vomiting up blood. Nothing he takes for this ever completely cures it, and he is getting sick of depending on any type of medication slung at him. One of the ways to prevent attacks is to eat lots of sweets and carbs but the attacks cause such bad nausea he can't eat...so this terrible cycle prevails where he doesn't eat, gets stressed, then gets sicker, then doesnt eat...and so on.
If he feels up to it, we go on a walk around the neighborhood at some point each day. Lately that hasn't happened. If he's really feelin good we go to the batting cages. He used to play before college. Sometimes we go shopping, for food, for clothes, exercise equipment, or other random little things like that. This hasn't happened for a while either. The day kind of continues this way. Maybe we play more xbox, maybe I do more homework, maybe watch more Netflix. Maybe we just sit around and talk about life and deeper things.I've finally figured out a way to be humorous with him at times too. Its still a little personality squelching for me at times, but I've adjusted. .......At night I usually end up exhausted and in bed by around 11pm, after he tells me he wants to try and sleep, or more likely go into "vampire mode," which means he lays still in bed with headphones on zoning out to music, fighting the pain. This is whats going on most days, unless we have some other things planned. Doctors visits, physical therapy, my own personal therapy, special events...also at times there are moments where he is too stressed to handle my presence, or I say something that triggers stress, and I have to leave. Then I usually go inside and do my own thing. I've been trying to sunbathe with no makeup on lately. It seems to be helping my skin a little... I have hope that that and not eating dairy will help me finally cure my affliction....mostly, at least. I'd like to not have to wear makeup anymore...
The last week or so has been punctuated by unfortunate trips back up to the SB area to visit with his mother, which always triggers an attack. Really bad ones too.
But it has also been punctuated with at least a couple of good times. Going to Disneyland was a nice break, albeit tiring in and of itself. I find socializing with "normal" people these days is a lot harder to do. I'm so adjusted to the abnormal kind of lifestyle I've adopted, where I have to move less abruptly, speak quietly and in a thoughtful way all the time...being around a lot of my old friends is almost like standing and trying to talk to a 10 piece brass band in the middle of a roaring performance. Simply said, it just doesn't lead to any good conversation or meaningful interaction. I know how alien this relationship is to normal ones. Theres limited physical interaction, and a necessary amount of emotional distance at times too. But its incredibly fulfilling as well. Hard to explain... I guess its sort of like the perfect balance of opposites. My light to his dark.
The baseball game last night was really fun too, my brother got us really good seats and fun was certainly had by all. I wouldn't mind attending more baseball games, its such an interesting environment to observe. The human zoo, and all. Surprisingly good beer, too.
Anyway, that is sort of a glimpse of things right now. I'm still stressing out over grad school stuff, when I stop to think about it. I know that I'm probably in some kind of depressive fugue most of the time, but it almost feels completely tolerable. I guess its gotten to feel more and more normal this way. I can't tell if thats a bad thing or good, not quite yet. I guess we shall see how things progress.
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