I keep wanting to write something in here, directly for you. I can't think of how to say it though. I don't want to hurt you anymore than I already have over the past year or more at this point.
I still miss you. And I still wonder every day, throughout the day, should i have made this choice?
Truly, we were the best of friends. Such an intense, loving connection. So much happiness came to me from being together with you. I still haven't been able to replicate that kind of...natural rapport we had. Even though I'm changing a lot, adapting to a new life, a new me... I still often really want that back. Its terrible to bring it up ever, but its been on my mind a lot. I miss it. I really do. I miss you. Know that. I feel as though I've lost something amazing, and its my fault, it was my choice, from the very beginning of all this.
There is a huge hole in my life now...and maybe there will always have to be. This hole in my heart where you lived. Its a pretty tremendous hole. It hurts to think of how much misery you might be in, how alone you might feel. It hurts even more not to have enough contact with you, even if it is necessary right now. I want you to have space if you need it, even if its not what I want. I still want you in my life, as we've discussed. I wish it could be more, more time spent having awesome moments, similar to what we had. I don't know how feasible that is, even if it was once and a while. It seems like theres no going back at this point, and even as I miss it desperately I'm not certain if it would be the right thing to do, even if I could. It wouldn't be right, not right now. I don't know why I feel like that exactly. I really don't. My life doesn't seem to be making sense, I still don't quite know who is running the show, or whether or not I ever had any control over it in the first place. Chaos and agonizing pain. Stress, and a new way to view life.
Still, I miss all of it, to varying degrees. I guess... I just don't want you to think it didn't mean anything to me. It meant so much to me. The meaning and emotions I got from us is different from any other relationship I've ever been in, to this very day, and they were powerful and special to me. So many things we did that I don't think I'll ever do with anyone else, not to the same degree anyway. We were so simpatico...I miss all of the laughter, the joy, the absolute freedom of expression...the eternal supportiveness and understanding. I look back on our time with an overwhelming fondness, along with the regret and the doubts about leaving it in the past.
I don't know how much I should keep talking about all this. I could say so much more. It just makes me so sad...just...so deeply deeply sad. I really don't want to upset you too much with this, but I've just been so dying to speak with you in some way again...even if you just need space. Oh, god, maybe I shouldn't post this at all. If its too much let me know. I hope someday you can forgive me....at least for some of what I did to you. I hope also that you can be so happy that I no longer have any power to hurt you. Even if it means not getting to have you in my life at all, which I really really don't want. At this point, I guess what is more important is that you can be well again.
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