Even though I just had an amazing experience up north. I got the traineeship! Its going to be crazy, I start Sept 7 and the way this place works is not what I was expecting at all. I'm nervous about tit, but very excited. The whole thing is set up to immediately throw you in to what its like to have a private practice. You sort of just use the counseling center as your own office, and of course with trainees you get supervised hours too. But I will actually end up making some money from my traineeship position...anywhere from $15-40 a session after I bring in my first $500. Thats taking out the parts that go to the center itself. I wasnt expecting to make any money...its incredible how this whole thing is working out. I'm going to move to a small town outside the city ill be working in...and its so peaceful and cheap there, I can't wait. In the middle of countryside...the air is so clean and smells so lovely, its quiet and has a lake with a very windy river that reminds me of England....
Coming back to my family home today was so stressful. I'm dissociating so much, out of a need to. It was a shock to the system coming back after two peaceful days away in such a lovely environment... My mom shrieking at me, dogs barking...everything so chaotic and dirty and just uncared for.... I am so tired of it. Its just how my family functions, and it used to be ok for me, I figured out how to adapt to it just like everyone in the family has indviidually adapted to it, ages ago, who knows when, right upon leaving the womb I guess... but again I'm changing so much, I'm out of the bubble now and it feels so wrong being here. I just feel like crying right now, for other reasons, but it all ties back in to this stressful environment I'm sure. I just can't stand it. Everyone wants to be in my business all the time, my mom askng me a million questions as Im dog tired from the 6 hour drive that I did...
and now I feel stupid for even complaining about it at all. I just feel stupid and useless and dumb. I'm not good enough for this traineeship....they are expecting me to be a fully fledged indepenent therapist! I've only done practice sessions with friends and acquaintances!! I will have to be completely on my own, minus the supervised hours.... but its good. Its just....scary.... I have to grow up now. Thats kinda it.
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