I know I should be so much more appreciative of all the good things I do have in my life, all the great qualities about my body. I don't have to exercise at all to look trim....although my upper thighs and glutes are noticeably out of shape at this point when I wear short shorts...but even that isn't all that bad. From a distance I look completely normal, pretty even, especially with the new haircut I got in May. But it doesn't matter, because every fucking second of the day I can feel more horrible horrible skin on my face, a constant source of burning and itchy irritation, like I have fresh, inflamed scar tissue all over my face (which really I sorta do have, it feels like a chemical burn might feel). I definitely know what it would feel like to be Two-Face from Batman.
I've gone back to using Benzoyl Peroxide, the old standby for all severe acne sufferers. I didn't use it for probably around 6 months. For a while my skin stayed clear, but the slightest trigger seemed to cause a small breakout .... and that small breakout slowly spread all over my face, increasing in intensity. I think that started in around february. Its just awful because I was almost completely normal again in January when I tried to get off the regime..... and now its back to square one. It might even be worse than it was last July.... because last July I was still using BP I was just wearing makeup 24/7 and that I think is what did me in......
This whole thing just strikes me as incredibly stupid, and shallow. But I know it is so much more complicated than that. The face is what everyone judges you on............... and at this crucial point in my idenitity shaping whatever kinda thing I'm going through, this reminder that I'm stricken with adult acne possibly for the rest of my life is frustrating and tear-inducing at best.
I've been reading the message boards on acne.org and seen the reports from hundreds of people who have this problem into their 50s and 60s. Its not going to go away like everyone always told me it was, unless I can somehow figure out what is causing it for me. I found out iodine often triggers breakouts. I've always eaten so many eggs and also tuna which are high in iodine, so I guess theres another thing I've got to retract from my diet. Basically I can eat fruit and vegetables, and some carbs, and thats it seems. Guhhh the diet part is hard because I'm not very rich and theres not really any good food around my house and I suck at cooking. Im going to try probiotics and fiber supplements as well as digestive enzymes to see if it will help at all... some other guy said all he had to do was increase his caloric intake to about twice the recommended amount and suddenly his acne cleared up, and he doesn't have to wash it scrupulously or anything anymore. If only that were the case. Although eating even the minimum caloric intake is hard enough for me these days. My current suspiscion is that its a digestive problem, but a week or two ago I was convinced it was a Zinc or B5 deficicieny or an A deficiency or whatever and that doesn't seem to be helping.............. but I guess this is just what I'm going to have to keep doing until I figure it out..
Until then I'm going to BP the shit out of my face and hope that it at least looks somewhat smooth with makeup on by the time JGB gets here in a week and we have to have the bday celebration with all the old high school buddies. Dammit how embarassing, they haven't seen me since high school when I had a shitty complexion and now after having a couple of years of relatively good skin (very relatively) they get to see me back in the same spot as I was then. Frustrating sfkjas;fkjlkgajgl;kj
Anyway this is just a useless venting update. No importante.
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