I feel awful right now. I'm so torn up inside....I don't understand how to be human. I dont get it sometimes, I really don't...this isn't how love is supposed to work - the way human beings do it, i mean. Love is so far beyond all these weird constraints caused...i guess caused by the physical world....
If every person could feel whats inside me.... no one would ever be sad.
Thursday, December 30, 2010
Wednesday, December 29, 2010
in a time and a place where I had to bite my lip....
I am so glad to be done with those papers... ugh I feel really bad about the way my Freud one panned out though. Some of my classmates posted theirs on facebook and they were sooo much better than mine. Ahh.I'm still kinda in a post frantic paper writing daze... I really have to avoid getting that stressed about things ever again with this stuff, and the only way to avoid that is to actually do my reading....
Things feel better mostly right now again. I think maybe I've perhaps finally worked through some of the things that were causing me the most amount of depression and anxiety.
Of course I'm still not perfect....Its weird theres this one stretch of freeway that for years now has been a panic attack inducing area for me to drive through. Usually late at night but I think its even freaked me out during the day. It happened again last night on my way home.... but I worked through it a lot better than before...
Anyway I got stuffs to do...
Things feel better mostly right now again. I think maybe I've perhaps finally worked through some of the things that were causing me the most amount of depression and anxiety.
Of course I'm still not perfect....Its weird theres this one stretch of freeway that for years now has been a panic attack inducing area for me to drive through. Usually late at night but I think its even freaked me out during the day. It happened again last night on my way home.... but I worked through it a lot better than before...
Anyway I got stuffs to do...
Sunday, December 26, 2010
infantile polymorphous perversity
Oh goodness. Pretty much haven't worked on my papers at all since I last wrote in here and they are all due on monday. Dammit!
The last couple hours I've been doing pretty good though. I've finally got the Freud thing figured out. I know how I'm going to do it I mean. I had the idea of what I wanted on wednesday but saw no means to the end. But for about 2.5 hours I've been plowing through it with my classical music on, head bent and butt aching on my bed (to do this work I need to stay uncomfortable). Thats why I decided to take a much needed break.
I got to meet up with a very old friend of mine today. I'll call him J. I've known this guy since middle school. He used to live down the street from me. We hung out a lot throughout middle school and high school, even "dated" briefly. By "dated" I mean we held hands when we were together and when we weren't we wrote notes to one another, then slipped them into each others lockers at school. Later on we "broke up" but remained friends, and then I met my BFF gf JGB and somehow he got introduced and we started having really fun times together. That lasted for the rest of high school, but afterwards we all grew a bit distant. JGB and my friend moved away and I got really busy with school. .. so we've only hung out sporadically the last few years...every time we did though it was great times...I've never been able to be quite as outrageous as I am with those two with anyone else...well, not outrageous in quite the same way that is... its just special. We had the perfect Trifecta. Thats what I call us now, it just suits us so well.
Anyway, catching up with him tonight was horrible horrible timing but really great, and I'm glad it happened. He had spent his christmas day so far with a 24 pack of budweiser and his truck, driving into our old hometown (where I'm living) and stopping at each of his friends house to share a drink with them. I really admire this idea, what a fantastic holiday option! I find it greatly amusing. Of course when he got to me he was already kind of buzzed, so perhaps its not the best idea to be the one in charge of driving....but thats J for you. He's a real down home kinda guy... kinda white trashy I guess but thats just a stupid label anyway and doesn't nearly encompass who he truly is as a person. We shared a few beers and ended up walking around my neighborhood, just like we did when we were 13 or so (numerous jokes were made about how both of us still look like we're 13 too).
It was so nice to catch up with him...we've both changed a lot just in the past year or so, and we opened up to each other more than we ever had before. It was a true, happy, and easy bonding experience - the kind that I absolutely live for, on some level. He noticed just how much I've changed too...and it really made me think, I mean... in how he seemed to notice my change. It started with the hair cut - the obvious big physical difference - but then he started to see just how much I'd changed personality wise too. He told me it was like I was a new and a more fuller person now, more complete, more happy with myself or just with life in general. More confident I dunno, all that sort of stuff. I guess nobody has told me that in quite that way. He's known me for so long too - literally half of my life - that he'd be one to note the differences.
Its not that Im unaware of just how different I am now - of course I am! But to hear someone else say that it was that noticeable was a significant thing for me to hear. I really think its true too. I am a fuller person now. I guess I"m more....human. I kinda created some sort of mythical figure for myself to be...something completely unrealistic and just...not who I actually am. Sure, I've got lots of quirks and my sense of humors weird and i have an unusual taste in music or whatever but I think I let my quirkiness alienate me from everyone else too much. Its funny though even when I had hairy legs and armpits and I wore baggy, monocolor outfits all the time I had the idea that I was being true to myself that way. I guess that may have been true at the time...at least partially. But there were stirrings of other aspects of myself that I could feel but kept hidden. Now I think I can be truer to myself than ever before... not only because i've unlocked some of those hidden parts of myself but also simply because I know myself more than ever before. And it made me realize something else....kinda silly...
I really am glad I cut my hair. As I sort of hinted in a previous post, it does seem to have really given me a chance to become someone new. To clean things up a bit with myself a bit and to more fully incorporate the new aspects of myself I've unlocked or discovered. My ideas about why I should cut it were exactly that - to let go of past conceptions of myself and all that - but I think before I did it I really wasn't sure if that was going to work. But I think it has! I feel much less constrained to the past than before. My hair really was such a huge symbol of all of my old ideals, my perception of who I was. It no longer has that power over me. I can tell now that I'm not going to hang any permanent notions of who I am on my hair anymore. It already seems so silly and distant to me that I ever did that...even though I was still doing that about a week ago...
I feel as though I've had such a long childhood. It feels weird to consider that I may actually be an adult now, in some way. I still hold that no one ever really grows up completely, we all have a childish side, but now at least I can feel my adult side too. I guess I'm oversimplifying the whole thing when I say that kind of stuff though, I've always been in touch with my adult side in some areas...perhaps even before I was out of diapers. Maybe that's part of why I shied away from adulthood so much. People are such complicated things. Theres no way I can ever explain every little thing I've learned or area I've grown in...or even dare to do so for others.
Ok well I've rambled long enough now. I think I'm going to shower and then work a little more before bed. Maybe.
The last couple hours I've been doing pretty good though. I've finally got the Freud thing figured out. I know how I'm going to do it I mean. I had the idea of what I wanted on wednesday but saw no means to the end. But for about 2.5 hours I've been plowing through it with my classical music on, head bent and butt aching on my bed (to do this work I need to stay uncomfortable). Thats why I decided to take a much needed break.
I got to meet up with a very old friend of mine today. I'll call him J. I've known this guy since middle school. He used to live down the street from me. We hung out a lot throughout middle school and high school, even "dated" briefly. By "dated" I mean we held hands when we were together and when we weren't we wrote notes to one another, then slipped them into each others lockers at school. Later on we "broke up" but remained friends, and then I met my BFF gf JGB and somehow he got introduced and we started having really fun times together. That lasted for the rest of high school, but afterwards we all grew a bit distant. JGB and my friend moved away and I got really busy with school. .. so we've only hung out sporadically the last few years...every time we did though it was great times...I've never been able to be quite as outrageous as I am with those two with anyone else...well, not outrageous in quite the same way that is... its just special. We had the perfect Trifecta. Thats what I call us now, it just suits us so well.
Anyway, catching up with him tonight was horrible horrible timing but really great, and I'm glad it happened. He had spent his christmas day so far with a 24 pack of budweiser and his truck, driving into our old hometown (where I'm living) and stopping at each of his friends house to share a drink with them. I really admire this idea, what a fantastic holiday option! I find it greatly amusing. Of course when he got to me he was already kind of buzzed, so perhaps its not the best idea to be the one in charge of driving....but thats J for you. He's a real down home kinda guy... kinda white trashy I guess but thats just a stupid label anyway and doesn't nearly encompass who he truly is as a person. We shared a few beers and ended up walking around my neighborhood, just like we did when we were 13 or so (numerous jokes were made about how both of us still look like we're 13 too).
It was so nice to catch up with him...we've both changed a lot just in the past year or so, and we opened up to each other more than we ever had before. It was a true, happy, and easy bonding experience - the kind that I absolutely live for, on some level. He noticed just how much I've changed too...and it really made me think, I mean... in how he seemed to notice my change. It started with the hair cut - the obvious big physical difference - but then he started to see just how much I'd changed personality wise too. He told me it was like I was a new and a more fuller person now, more complete, more happy with myself or just with life in general. More confident I dunno, all that sort of stuff. I guess nobody has told me that in quite that way. He's known me for so long too - literally half of my life - that he'd be one to note the differences.
Its not that Im unaware of just how different I am now - of course I am! But to hear someone else say that it was that noticeable was a significant thing for me to hear. I really think its true too. I am a fuller person now. I guess I"m more....human. I kinda created some sort of mythical figure for myself to be...something completely unrealistic and just...not who I actually am. Sure, I've got lots of quirks and my sense of humors weird and i have an unusual taste in music or whatever but I think I let my quirkiness alienate me from everyone else too much. Its funny though even when I had hairy legs and armpits and I wore baggy, monocolor outfits all the time I had the idea that I was being true to myself that way. I guess that may have been true at the time...at least partially. But there were stirrings of other aspects of myself that I could feel but kept hidden. Now I think I can be truer to myself than ever before... not only because i've unlocked some of those hidden parts of myself but also simply because I know myself more than ever before. And it made me realize something else....kinda silly...
I really am glad I cut my hair. As I sort of hinted in a previous post, it does seem to have really given me a chance to become someone new. To clean things up a bit with myself a bit and to more fully incorporate the new aspects of myself I've unlocked or discovered. My ideas about why I should cut it were exactly that - to let go of past conceptions of myself and all that - but I think before I did it I really wasn't sure if that was going to work. But I think it has! I feel much less constrained to the past than before. My hair really was such a huge symbol of all of my old ideals, my perception of who I was. It no longer has that power over me. I can tell now that I'm not going to hang any permanent notions of who I am on my hair anymore. It already seems so silly and distant to me that I ever did that...even though I was still doing that about a week ago...
I feel as though I've had such a long childhood. It feels weird to consider that I may actually be an adult now, in some way. I still hold that no one ever really grows up completely, we all have a childish side, but now at least I can feel my adult side too. I guess I'm oversimplifying the whole thing when I say that kind of stuff though, I've always been in touch with my adult side in some areas...perhaps even before I was out of diapers. Maybe that's part of why I shied away from adulthood so much. People are such complicated things. Theres no way I can ever explain every little thing I've learned or area I've grown in...or even dare to do so for others.
Ok well I've rambled long enough now. I think I'm going to shower and then work a little more before bed. Maybe.
Wednesday, December 22, 2010
Gaaaaa!!!
I don't know why I'm so damn anxious about getting this work done! I'm not usually this freaked out by such a known task. I guess....I'm just more easily anxious nowadays...
Sitting here trying to do my work is really making me question my ability to take on graduate school right now. Dammit I don't want to give up that easily! But maybe I'm not ready....how do I know that? I dunno... no no no I wanna do this dammit. I've got to get more committed. Effin' A...
Sitting here trying to do my work is really making me question my ability to take on graduate school right now. Dammit I don't want to give up that easily! But maybe I'm not ready....how do I know that? I dunno... no no no I wanna do this dammit. I've got to get more committed. Effin' A...
murkiness
Its been a while since I've posted in here. I'm in the thick of writing my final papers for my first quarter of grad school... and its hell. I always do this when it comes time to write my papers. I have this huge resistance to writing essays, they're just sooo boring to write. And I'm going to have to write a whole thesis paper. I'm gonna have to get over that hurdle sooner or later with this grad school stuff. Also one of my professors gave me such a broad topic to write about that its really hard for me to figure out just exactly where i want to go....plus I didn't do all the readings so I feel a bit unprepared for it. I know if I just sit and spend time with it though I can get it out... I just need to not leave it until the very last day for once...theres too much to do to do that.
Lately I've been feeling really...murky. What a funny word that is... I feel like I've become less defined though. Maybe its because I finally chopped off my hair? I dunno. I don't like it though. Perhaps its just a different outlet for my depression or something.
It sort of feels like I'm holding onto things I shouldn't be right now....again....jeez...what I've been saying throughout the entire lifespan of this blog....I'm just not devoting enough time to myself. Pffft. How sad is that....I say I want to work on myself and yet I spend all this time avoiding myself. As Freud says though, we all have this innate resistance to diving deeper into our own psyches...guhh...yeah, Freud...about that....time to get back to the papers I guess...
Lately I've been feeling really...murky. What a funny word that is... I feel like I've become less defined though. Maybe its because I finally chopped off my hair? I dunno. I don't like it though. Perhaps its just a different outlet for my depression or something.
It sort of feels like I'm holding onto things I shouldn't be right now....again....jeez...what I've been saying throughout the entire lifespan of this blog....I'm just not devoting enough time to myself. Pffft. How sad is that....I say I want to work on myself and yet I spend all this time avoiding myself. As Freud says though, we all have this innate resistance to diving deeper into our own psyches...guhh...yeah, Freud...about that....time to get back to the papers I guess...
Tuesday, December 14, 2010
shwamamammamm
I think things are mostly ok again at the moment. At least on my end. I know I"m just saying that right now though. Its a little off putting when your therapist keeps suggesting anti-depressants. I wanna beat this on my own dammit, human beings have lived for thousands of years without antidepressants living lives way shittier than mine....I'm pretty sure I can manage. Or learn to manage. Yeah.
I'm in a much different place now than I would have ever thought I'd been last year. Its weird to think about what I was doing back then. It was right around this time that ____ came to stay at my family's place. I didn't meet him for the first couple weeks he was in town...but apparently he was eager to meet me. Shoulda been the first clue right there. My moms always kinda been over-enthusiastic about men being attracted to me. Ugh, how awfully misplaced.
I guess I must be thankful he'll never be around again. Or...if he is somehow I will make sure to not be around myself.
I guess in a twisted way I should be thankful to him, amongst all the chaos and destruction he caused he also created space for growth... maybe saved me a few years of development, I dunno. But at what cost? Hard to say. Now my life could be going in so many new directions that simply did not exist this time last year....and its still so chaotic. This whole year has been that way!
I cannot wait until things really settle down again. I'm getting awful impatient...
I'm in a much different place now than I would have ever thought I'd been last year. Its weird to think about what I was doing back then. It was right around this time that ____ came to stay at my family's place. I didn't meet him for the first couple weeks he was in town...but apparently he was eager to meet me. Shoulda been the first clue right there. My moms always kinda been over-enthusiastic about men being attracted to me. Ugh, how awfully misplaced.
I guess I must be thankful he'll never be around again. Or...if he is somehow I will make sure to not be around myself.
I guess in a twisted way I should be thankful to him, amongst all the chaos and destruction he caused he also created space for growth... maybe saved me a few years of development, I dunno. But at what cost? Hard to say. Now my life could be going in so many new directions that simply did not exist this time last year....and its still so chaotic. This whole year has been that way!
I cannot wait until things really settle down again. I'm getting awful impatient...
Friday, December 3, 2010
fsldjfaslgjflg AHHH
I'm so nervous about class right now. I think I'm more nervous than I usually am because I feel as though I'm vastly unprepared.
I think I'm blowing it out of proportion though... sort of channeling some of my other anxieties into school anxiety or something. Ugh, I hate being so complicated like that. Why can't I just be normal? And yes I know thats a null argument and everything but I still feel like that... stupidly.
Guhhh why am I so upset inside right now?!?! This whole week has been like that. I'm just...anxious and scared and sad and confused and full of some sort of pain that I don't know what to attribute to...well, not exactly...
I have some serious trust issues I'm realizing. As soon as someone hurts me in a particular way I start to shut down...but I try to resist it and end up shifting in and out of anxiousness and ok-ness with the slightest things triggering the anxiety....and inevitably i try to resist it and just leave. I run away from the pain. I check out. I think I've talked about it before in here, its the same sort of dissociation I've always had, or seems like I've always had. Well, iono, not always I think. Hard to remember when I wasn't though.
Anyway I'm just blowing off steam before I have to go to class and face all my classmates who are probably at least 50-70% better at preparing for class than I've been. I do not like being such a slacker. Part of me wants to just give up on grad school but I think I give up too easily, its the same as running away from the pain.....and I'm tired of doing all that. So I'mma keep trying...even though it all seems so daunting at the moment.......key word being SEEMS I guess....
I think I'm blowing it out of proportion though... sort of channeling some of my other anxieties into school anxiety or something. Ugh, I hate being so complicated like that. Why can't I just be normal? And yes I know thats a null argument and everything but I still feel like that... stupidly.
Guhhh why am I so upset inside right now?!?! This whole week has been like that. I'm just...anxious and scared and sad and confused and full of some sort of pain that I don't know what to attribute to...well, not exactly...
I have some serious trust issues I'm realizing. As soon as someone hurts me in a particular way I start to shut down...but I try to resist it and end up shifting in and out of anxiousness and ok-ness with the slightest things triggering the anxiety....and inevitably i try to resist it and just leave. I run away from the pain. I check out. I think I've talked about it before in here, its the same sort of dissociation I've always had, or seems like I've always had. Well, iono, not always I think. Hard to remember when I wasn't though.
Anyway I'm just blowing off steam before I have to go to class and face all my classmates who are probably at least 50-70% better at preparing for class than I've been. I do not like being such a slacker. Part of me wants to just give up on grad school but I think I give up too easily, its the same as running away from the pain.....and I'm tired of doing all that. So I'mma keep trying...even though it all seems so daunting at the moment.......key word being SEEMS I guess....
Tuesday, November 30, 2010
effin A
I keep telling myself I need to spend more time alone...just focus on myself.... but I still haven't. Fuck meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee dammit why do I insist on being such a jackass to myself?
Obviously I'm a gigantic masochist.
Obviously I'm a gigantic masochist.
full on emotional crazy rant time
Sigh, why am I investing so much time and energy into someone who has told me outright that he doesn't care about me at all? Obviously I'm just wanted around because he has no one else in the area. As soon as that changes (either the area he's in or finding a new person) I'm fairly certain I'll stop being asked for.
And yet I still spend all this money and time and loving energy that I could be spending on people that actually DO care about me on him. It seems so wrong to be doing this in so many ways. I KNOW how wrong it looks and even feels in so many ways.....I've known for ages now. Since the beginning.
And yet I still want to do it. I must be getting something out of it. Maybe this is my final outlet for my horrible compulsion to just give give give. Maybe I'll give so much I'll get it out of my system once and for all and then end everything.
As it is now, I still genuinely care for this person, even in the face of him not giving a shit about me genuinely. It hurts so much to think about that...but its what I'm left to face with. All the niceness I've experienced is probably just to placate me... to keep me around longer... until I'm no longer needed. Why the fuck am I allowing myself to be hurt like this? I just need to stop being so emotionally invested. See it for what it is on his end and make it more like that on mine. Well if I did that I'd have no need to hang out with him really. I have plenty of people that care for me, plenty of people that if I wanted would bend over backwards to be there for me, even for such little genuineness in return.
I don't know what to do. Why do people have to be so horribly manipulative? I just want to be honest and loving and receive it back in some fashion....for real. I guess thats too much to ask in this situation. And I've been aware that its too much to ask from the beginning....I guess its just so hard not to take it personally. But it really does feel like theres no reason for him to want to be with me....
It feels like our personalities don't mesh well, I think even if he wasn't so fucked up we don't have enough in common to make hanging out fun enough. I become like a stone figure around him, frozen and on the edge of my seat all the timing, waiting to see how he's feeling every moment to gauge how to interact with him.....because I don't know what to say or how to say anything to him to entertain or to comfort him. And yet I still try...and it feels like half of the time I fail miserably at it, which only reinforces my nervousness and inability to speak up or act out in the future......
I think all this tension and uncertainty and inability to express myself is part of why I've stuck this out so far though. I want to master it, I want to get over my anxiety with it and just be myself no matter what the reaction I get from him. I shouldn't be giving away my control like that...
Heh, and maybe when I finally do start expressing myself all the way he'll get sick of me and tell me to go away... and I could stop feeling so hurt and confused all the time....well...eventually...after I get over being so completely rejected as a person.
And yet I still spend all this money and time and loving energy that I could be spending on people that actually DO care about me on him. It seems so wrong to be doing this in so many ways. I KNOW how wrong it looks and even feels in so many ways.....I've known for ages now. Since the beginning.
And yet I still want to do it. I must be getting something out of it. Maybe this is my final outlet for my horrible compulsion to just give give give. Maybe I'll give so much I'll get it out of my system once and for all and then end everything.
As it is now, I still genuinely care for this person, even in the face of him not giving a shit about me genuinely. It hurts so much to think about that...but its what I'm left to face with. All the niceness I've experienced is probably just to placate me... to keep me around longer... until I'm no longer needed. Why the fuck am I allowing myself to be hurt like this? I just need to stop being so emotionally invested. See it for what it is on his end and make it more like that on mine. Well if I did that I'd have no need to hang out with him really. I have plenty of people that care for me, plenty of people that if I wanted would bend over backwards to be there for me, even for such little genuineness in return.
I don't know what to do. Why do people have to be so horribly manipulative? I just want to be honest and loving and receive it back in some fashion....for real. I guess thats too much to ask in this situation. And I've been aware that its too much to ask from the beginning....I guess its just so hard not to take it personally. But it really does feel like theres no reason for him to want to be with me....
It feels like our personalities don't mesh well, I think even if he wasn't so fucked up we don't have enough in common to make hanging out fun enough. I become like a stone figure around him, frozen and on the edge of my seat all the timing, waiting to see how he's feeling every moment to gauge how to interact with him.....because I don't know what to say or how to say anything to him to entertain or to comfort him. And yet I still try...and it feels like half of the time I fail miserably at it, which only reinforces my nervousness and inability to speak up or act out in the future......
I think all this tension and uncertainty and inability to express myself is part of why I've stuck this out so far though. I want to master it, I want to get over my anxiety with it and just be myself no matter what the reaction I get from him. I shouldn't be giving away my control like that...
Heh, and maybe when I finally do start expressing myself all the way he'll get sick of me and tell me to go away... and I could stop feeling so hurt and confused all the time....well...eventually...after I get over being so completely rejected as a person.
Monday, November 22, 2010
tomorrow...and yesterday.
I'm in and out of anxiousness and excited anticipation for tomorrows events. I'll be chopping off my beautiful locks....and making it "normal" I guess. Stylish, I guess. Something else...not me. Not what I am? Is my hair really a perfect representation of who I am, truly, just the way it is now? It feels like that. But...my hair is all natural, years of sun made high lights, free flowing, thick, full.... perhaps a little rough around the edges at times, but I think mostly it fits my face well. Its all disorganized and gets in the way sometimes...but I'm quite used to that, I dont mind at all. I keep telling myself these things and then wondering...why am I cutting it off again?
Because I'm trying to grow into something new. To be straight about it, I guess. Because of all those reasons I listed above - its become too comfortable for me this way - its shaped my identity around how I view my hair. Perhaps how I view myself physically too. It limits me by defining me as "that girl with that hair."
Its weird that I've got this strange attachment. Apparently most people don't - they go through numerous hairstyles throughout their lives without worrying about the change. So this is one of my "molehills." That doesn't knock its importance for me though.
Had some serious thoughts today about what happened to me in April. To be blunt, rape was involved. I hate using that word. When people use that word, its got such a heavy, violent connotation to it. What happened to me is considered rape by the actual definition but it wasn't a violent act, not really. It was just a bad situation brought about by too much alcohol. I don't know what else to call it. I did feel horrified, used, and abused about it afterward but I know not as much as people who encounter the more presumed sort of rape... I guess perhaps I could call it non-consensual sex. That sounds a little better. Yeah, I'll go with NCS.
Well, today I was thinking about it again as I so often do.... just how I felt about it, and how the lack of understanding and loss of a long time friend from it really hurt me too... and how I still felt like it was my fault that it happened. Now, I still think if I had been a stronger person it probably wouldn't have happened. I have this tendency to just give people whatever they want without thinking about the consequences it will have on me....and after a heavy bout of alcohol poisoning there was no way to avoid it taking over. My weakness was both physical and mental at that point, I was hardly aware.
However, my realization today was that my weakness doesn't make what happened my fault. It really was just the alcohol. I don't want to blame the guy either. I don't just have sex with random guys when I'm sober, even with my habit of relentless giving and self sacrifice. Neither myself or the guy involved would have gotten into that situation had we both been sober... Hmm...as I write this I'm starting to feel a little confused about how I actually feel about the guy involved. Should I hold him somewhat responsible? I can't decide if I should. Because if I do, it feels like I'd have to blame myself too... I tried to say no...I tried and failed because in my poisoned frail semi conscious moment I didn't want to hurt his feelings even as he got on top of me.....crushing me......
I have all this fear and pain and disgust inside me, remembering it.
I guess... its everyone's and no one's fault, ultimately. Thats the best I can make of it. I can't keep blaming myself, even though I know I need to be stronger and stand up for my own well being more. I swear I'm trying...
I guess I'll stop here. I've made myself feel awful. Time to step back and regain normalcy.
Actually, I'm not quite done yet. I realized another thing. Something that bothers me even more often than the NCS itself is what happened afterward. As I mentioned above, with the friend I lost, but also with the guy I was seeing at the time. He made me report it to the police. I would definitely not have done that if he didn't force me to do it. It was pointless. I didn't want to press charges, I was at least able to convince him of that....but he still wanted me to at least report it. Even the police felt like it was a waste of time. And its now on that guys record forever. I resent ___ for making me do that immensely. It shouldn't have been his decision. I guess again its just me not standing up for myself enough... what a terrible, terrible habit of mine.
I've been through some level of hell with my sexual activities. With my other friend who decided I was a complete liar, and with my brothers judging me when they don't even know the full story... calling me a harlot. I just wasn't strong enough to say no. This is where the number of NCS encounters for me becomes hazy...its probably a lot more than 1. But...I'm working on all this. I want to be normal sexually for once. I don't know if I ever have been.... I'm strong enough to say no at least now, especially with sex.
Sigh......ok now I'm done. This was a long one. Good venting though.
Because I'm trying to grow into something new. To be straight about it, I guess. Because of all those reasons I listed above - its become too comfortable for me this way - its shaped my identity around how I view my hair. Perhaps how I view myself physically too. It limits me by defining me as "that girl with that hair."
Its weird that I've got this strange attachment. Apparently most people don't - they go through numerous hairstyles throughout their lives without worrying about the change. So this is one of my "molehills." That doesn't knock its importance for me though.
Had some serious thoughts today about what happened to me in April. To be blunt, rape was involved. I hate using that word. When people use that word, its got such a heavy, violent connotation to it. What happened to me is considered rape by the actual definition but it wasn't a violent act, not really. It was just a bad situation brought about by too much alcohol. I don't know what else to call it. I did feel horrified, used, and abused about it afterward but I know not as much as people who encounter the more presumed sort of rape... I guess perhaps I could call it non-consensual sex. That sounds a little better. Yeah, I'll go with NCS.
Well, today I was thinking about it again as I so often do.... just how I felt about it, and how the lack of understanding and loss of a long time friend from it really hurt me too... and how I still felt like it was my fault that it happened. Now, I still think if I had been a stronger person it probably wouldn't have happened. I have this tendency to just give people whatever they want without thinking about the consequences it will have on me....and after a heavy bout of alcohol poisoning there was no way to avoid it taking over. My weakness was both physical and mental at that point, I was hardly aware.
However, my realization today was that my weakness doesn't make what happened my fault. It really was just the alcohol. I don't want to blame the guy either. I don't just have sex with random guys when I'm sober, even with my habit of relentless giving and self sacrifice. Neither myself or the guy involved would have gotten into that situation had we both been sober... Hmm...as I write this I'm starting to feel a little confused about how I actually feel about the guy involved. Should I hold him somewhat responsible? I can't decide if I should. Because if I do, it feels like I'd have to blame myself too... I tried to say no...I tried and failed because in my poisoned frail semi conscious moment I didn't want to hurt his feelings even as he got on top of me.....crushing me......
I have all this fear and pain and disgust inside me, remembering it.
I guess... its everyone's and no one's fault, ultimately. Thats the best I can make of it. I can't keep blaming myself, even though I know I need to be stronger and stand up for my own well being more. I swear I'm trying...
I guess I'll stop here. I've made myself feel awful. Time to step back and regain normalcy.
Actually, I'm not quite done yet. I realized another thing. Something that bothers me even more often than the NCS itself is what happened afterward. As I mentioned above, with the friend I lost, but also with the guy I was seeing at the time. He made me report it to the police. I would definitely not have done that if he didn't force me to do it. It was pointless. I didn't want to press charges, I was at least able to convince him of that....but he still wanted me to at least report it. Even the police felt like it was a waste of time. And its now on that guys record forever. I resent ___ for making me do that immensely. It shouldn't have been his decision. I guess again its just me not standing up for myself enough... what a terrible, terrible habit of mine.
I've been through some level of hell with my sexual activities. With my other friend who decided I was a complete liar, and with my brothers judging me when they don't even know the full story... calling me a harlot. I just wasn't strong enough to say no. This is where the number of NCS encounters for me becomes hazy...its probably a lot more than 1. But...I'm working on all this. I want to be normal sexually for once. I don't know if I ever have been.... I'm strong enough to say no at least now, especially with sex.
Sigh......ok now I'm done. This was a long one. Good venting though.
Sunday, November 21, 2010
Saturday, November 20, 2010
whuhoh
Its been one of those weeks that feels both fast and slow at the same time. Whuuuf. Some stress, but not a lot. I've started to be able to etch out a nice little spot for my emotional/mental state to live in most of the time now, which is a definite improvement over what had become my normal rollercoaster typhoony sort of state.
Something that I've been thinking about lately is just how much our already experienced life experience rules how we deal with the continuation of said experience. Uh, I probably could say that better. What I mean is just how much the past gets in the way of our present experience. Specifically what I've been pondering a bit is how we work with whatever we've been dealt, and how the quality of our experiences really determines how we perceive the world.
People that have just had mole hills to deal with see them as mountains. People who've had mountains, well, they see them as mountains until bigger ones come along, then I'd imagine those first ones start lookin more like mole hills. And the actual mole hills hardly even register on their radar. People who've got mountains probably look at the people with mole hills as fools...or just naive. Or inexperienced. Iono. What do those fools think of the people with mountains though? Admiration? For me, I think its that, along with just not being able to completely comprehend it.
But then, everyone's experience is by default gonna be different, so are the mountain people really more experienced in life in general? Doesn't seem like it necessarily is that way. They're just more experienced with a different end of the spectrum. Its like people that actually climb mountains in real life versus the people that have never done so. So maybe they deal with molehills and mountains, and maybe it seems like theyve gone through more than the folks just with the molehills....but...theres not just one type of molehill either. No ones just one way or another, their experience varies too much. Theres not just one type of mountain either; the little one out behind the house versus Kilimanjaro..... Diversity doesn't necessarily end at just molehill and mountain. Ehh...i've suddenly really tired of this topic...................ghuuhhh....
Maybe I'm just making crap up anyway... doin some of my own mole hillin'... I'm gonna stop now.
Something that I've been thinking about lately is just how much our already experienced life experience rules how we deal with the continuation of said experience. Uh, I probably could say that better. What I mean is just how much the past gets in the way of our present experience. Specifically what I've been pondering a bit is how we work with whatever we've been dealt, and how the quality of our experiences really determines how we perceive the world.
People that have just had mole hills to deal with see them as mountains. People who've had mountains, well, they see them as mountains until bigger ones come along, then I'd imagine those first ones start lookin more like mole hills. And the actual mole hills hardly even register on their radar. People who've got mountains probably look at the people with mole hills as fools...or just naive. Or inexperienced. Iono. What do those fools think of the people with mountains though? Admiration? For me, I think its that, along with just not being able to completely comprehend it.
But then, everyone's experience is by default gonna be different, so are the mountain people really more experienced in life in general? Doesn't seem like it necessarily is that way. They're just more experienced with a different end of the spectrum. Its like people that actually climb mountains in real life versus the people that have never done so. So maybe they deal with molehills and mountains, and maybe it seems like theyve gone through more than the folks just with the molehills....but...theres not just one type of molehill either. No ones just one way or another, their experience varies too much. Theres not just one type of mountain either; the little one out behind the house versus Kilimanjaro..... Diversity doesn't necessarily end at just molehill and mountain. Ehh...i've suddenly really tired of this topic...................ghuuhhh....
Maybe I'm just making crap up anyway... doin some of my own mole hillin'... I'm gonna stop now.
Wednesday, November 17, 2010
faskjaskgjsflkj
I hate my face. Some days more than other days, but pretty much 90% of the time, I absolutely abhor my face. Why does it insist on being so abnormal and irritating? If it was just one or the other, I probably wouldn't have as much of an issue with it. Gahhhhhh.
In other news, this is on my mind. Damn money slipping through my fingers like...wet...liquid....stuff....
...........ah yes, water.
In other news, this is on my mind. Damn money slipping through my fingers like...wet...liquid....stuff....
...........ah yes, water.
Monday, November 15, 2010
fhh
Haven't posted in a while. Just haven't been in the mood to I guess. Nothing really to report? Eh.
Things feel as though they're calming down, mostly. Kinda. Still a lot of upset all around me, but at least I'm shaping up a little bit inside myself. Better to deal with the external stuff that way.
November is going by really fast, I haven't received my books yet in the mail and soon I'll be swept off to Thanksgiving activities and who knows what else....who knows when I'll actually have time to read! Aghh I hate being so behind!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I don't want to go this whole semester having been unprepared for the actual class sessions. This is my last chance. Bleh. I should also really start thinking about those million page papers I'm going to have to write. One of them completely carries my grade for my Freud course. Jeepers!
I also really want to work out more. I'm tired of not fitting in my girly clothes exactly right. Heh.
Shalllowness.
And...I'm going to chop off my hair soon. Yipe....I find myself playing with it and stroking it more often now. It really is quite beautiful, I think. Unique, in a lot of ways. And I'm cutting it off? My whole life I've never done so really, not more than an inch or two for upkeep. But staying the same your whole life ultimately isn't possible, isn't always healthy. I think cutting off my hair, while not the only way I can change, is the strongest possible thing I can do that symbolizes change for me - precisely because I've avoided doing so my whole life, so vehemently. It still feels wrong, if only because of the promise I held onto so stubbornly since I was maybe 6 or 7 years old. I guess I take promises seriously. Not all the time though, no ones that consistent.
Its got so many years of my life attached to it, its been with me more than anyone or anything else has. Wow, saying that just made me realize how I've given my hair its own identity. Its MY identity, but its also my HAIRs identity. Eep. I'm not sure what to think about that... having personified something that grows out of my head. I guess I kinda do that with a lot of stuff though, but nothing as permanent as my hair. Weeird. So cutting it off is like killing a friend, or at least saying goodbye and letting him go his separate way (yea apparently my hair is male too, albeit an effeminate one).
Sigh. To be continued...???
Things feel as though they're calming down, mostly. Kinda. Still a lot of upset all around me, but at least I'm shaping up a little bit inside myself. Better to deal with the external stuff that way.
November is going by really fast, I haven't received my books yet in the mail and soon I'll be swept off to Thanksgiving activities and who knows what else....who knows when I'll actually have time to read! Aghh I hate being so behind!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I don't want to go this whole semester having been unprepared for the actual class sessions. This is my last chance. Bleh. I should also really start thinking about those million page papers I'm going to have to write. One of them completely carries my grade for my Freud course. Jeepers!
I also really want to work out more. I'm tired of not fitting in my girly clothes exactly right. Heh.
Shalllowness.
And...I'm going to chop off my hair soon. Yipe....I find myself playing with it and stroking it more often now. It really is quite beautiful, I think. Unique, in a lot of ways. And I'm cutting it off? My whole life I've never done so really, not more than an inch or two for upkeep. But staying the same your whole life ultimately isn't possible, isn't always healthy. I think cutting off my hair, while not the only way I can change, is the strongest possible thing I can do that symbolizes change for me - precisely because I've avoided doing so my whole life, so vehemently. It still feels wrong, if only because of the promise I held onto so stubbornly since I was maybe 6 or 7 years old. I guess I take promises seriously. Not all the time though, no ones that consistent.
Its got so many years of my life attached to it, its been with me more than anyone or anything else has. Wow, saying that just made me realize how I've given my hair its own identity. Its MY identity, but its also my HAIRs identity. Eep. I'm not sure what to think about that... having personified something that grows out of my head. I guess I kinda do that with a lot of stuff though, but nothing as permanent as my hair. Weeird. So cutting it off is like killing a friend, or at least saying goodbye and letting him go his separate way (yea apparently my hair is male too, albeit an effeminate one).
Sigh. To be continued...???
Sunday, November 7, 2010
The same pins of anxiety reveal themselves as..........good!
swhahfhgsjghafljghg wush a!!!
OTkak1l1l1 !ghhhh!! jthis alll iihhaa 1!!1 lihnleekke!! POLKMMAL!SDF
PROCESSING...............................................
...............PROCESS...............ing..............................................
I want things to be as lovely as I am possible of feeling, all the time. And maybe more. Iono, what I have seems good enough.
Theres always that age old thought about facing ones own mortality.... yeah, our lives can be snuffed out at any given moment. Tonight, I feel like promising myself that if I did die so unexpectedly... if I just faded out of life...I'd fade out with a smile.
I'll turn my happiness into the gray fog of death.
But its still happy that way.
Yes....death....pain.....suffering....happiness....it is insomuch all the same.
Dontcha think?
OTkak1l1l1 !ghhhh!! jthis alll iihhaa 1!!1 lihnleekke!! POLKMMAL!SDF
PROCESSING...............................................
...............PROCESS...............ing..............................................
I want things to be as lovely as I am possible of feeling, all the time. And maybe more. Iono, what I have seems good enough.
Theres always that age old thought about facing ones own mortality.... yeah, our lives can be snuffed out at any given moment. Tonight, I feel like promising myself that if I did die so unexpectedly... if I just faded out of life...I'd fade out with a smile.
I'll turn my happiness into the gray fog of death.
But its still happy that way.
Yes....death....pain.....suffering....happiness....it is insomuch all the same.
Dontcha think?
Thursday, November 4, 2010
My first november post! Hah!
Currently listening (lols): http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yMKrqVeuKo8&feature=related
Not much to update at the moment. Been feelin' better the last few days!
Things have been nice, for the most part!
Yipe!
Gotta run! Busy busy busy!
Not much to update at the moment. Been feelin' better the last few days!
Things have been nice, for the most part!
Yipe!
Gotta run! Busy busy busy!
Sunday, October 31, 2010
vexin'
I have definitely gone back to avoiding most people. I just don't want to be around too many folk. I feel a wall between them and myself that is off-putting at best, anxiety or pain-inducing at worst. I'm not saying its because I'm special or different or anything, I think its just my current state of being making me want to avoid normal social interaction. There's only maybe a third of a handful of people I feel ok being around. Eh, maybe even less than that. Hearing other people doing day to day activities puts me ill at ease. It makes me slow to act, as I just want to hide in my room until they go away....
I tried socializing more this weekend, with people beyond the ones im ok being around, and....it was.....tolerable, to an extent. Boring. Also, the weird nausea stuff seemed to come back after doing it too long. Hmm. Backs up my theory thats its psychological, at least in part. I also expect its because of my wacky diet (or lack thereof) to an extent.
Grad school session coming up. Behind on everything, except getting my practice stuff done, which miraculously got taken care of with hardly any effort on my part it seems. I'm actually kind of proud of how brave I was to get the volunteers I need for it. I actually stood up in front of my 300 person seminar and spoke about my need. Ended up making three of my sessions that way - and one of the contacts is also studying to be an MFT and has books I can borrow! I feel so lucky!
I'm definitely prone to that unrealistic tendency of optimistic people to see their lives as lucky or blessed. Even in the face of all the pain and misery I've been through this year, I must admit I still think I'm a pretty lucky person, all things considered. Things coulda been a lot worse for someone like me....I've had only a tiny taste of how things could have been, if I'd gotten involved with more manipulative, abusive, selfish people etc etc. Important to remember when down: you're still lucky!
Eh, I've lost interest in writing more, so I'll stop here. Blahhh---zayyyyy...
Face up to the fact that you are who you are and nothing can change that belief....just be....
I tried socializing more this weekend, with people beyond the ones im ok being around, and....it was.....tolerable, to an extent. Boring. Also, the weird nausea stuff seemed to come back after doing it too long. Hmm. Backs up my theory thats its psychological, at least in part. I also expect its because of my wacky diet (or lack thereof) to an extent.
Grad school session coming up. Behind on everything, except getting my practice stuff done, which miraculously got taken care of with hardly any effort on my part it seems. I'm actually kind of proud of how brave I was to get the volunteers I need for it. I actually stood up in front of my 300 person seminar and spoke about my need. Ended up making three of my sessions that way - and one of the contacts is also studying to be an MFT and has books I can borrow! I feel so lucky!
I'm definitely prone to that unrealistic tendency of optimistic people to see their lives as lucky or blessed. Even in the face of all the pain and misery I've been through this year, I must admit I still think I'm a pretty lucky person, all things considered. Things coulda been a lot worse for someone like me....I've had only a tiny taste of how things could have been, if I'd gotten involved with more manipulative, abusive, selfish people etc etc. Important to remember when down: you're still lucky!
Eh, I've lost interest in writing more, so I'll stop here. Blahhh---zayyyyy...
Face up to the fact that you are who you are and nothing can change that belief....just be....
Saturday, October 30, 2010
somewhere sickened
I keep having these weird moments of nausea followed by painful coughing fits that make my throat hurt. Also dizzy and faint a lot of the time. Not sure whats going on there, I'd rather assume its just my psyche fucking with my body because of how out of whack it is.
I was talking with a friend yesterday about all the bad things that have happened with other people this year...he didn't understand why I wasn't more angry at them. It made me stop and wonder about it a little bit again. Why am I not angry at them? I think its more because I don't feel I should hold anyone else responsible for how I feel than it is that I don't blame them, or think what they did was wrong. I know what they did wasn't right, its why I feel so horrible! But I don't feel mad at them....no matter how deep I sift through my feelings.... I dunno when people tell me I should be angry, I can kinda feel like some weird semblance of anger mixed in with all my fear and sadness and pain...but its only when they tell me I should be - so is it real, or just an obligatory type of rage that I create upon being requested to?
I am the only one responsible for my feelings. I'm the one that creates them, after all. When another person acts a certain way towards me, they feel a certain way too - but they don't have the power to place that feeling on me unless I let it in, unless I choose to acknowledge the feelings they're having and create them for myself. Which....is what I do when I feel angry (at least in the scenario presented above).
Wow, what a basic tendency of mine! Its like...reverse projection? I'm sure there's a name for it. Ultra-sympathizing? Something like that. Fuck, babies do it all the time. When one baby starts crying in a room full of babies, the other babies often start to cry too. Its like some stupid infantile behavior I've carried on my whole life. That makes me feel pretty pathetic. I can't let the idea that this is just some stupid infantile behavior I've taken with me into maturity make me feel worthless though. I play into self-deprecating thoughts and language far too often. How the hell am I gonna heal if I just focus on my weak spots? So here's a note to self: there's never just one side of the story, facet on a diamond, or use (or lack of) of anything!
Anyway! What a discovery! Or rediscovery! But still, its wholly dangerous. It goes with a lot of feelings I see in others. Pretty much every feeling, to different degrees. The feelings I hold inside myself naturally, the positive ones and probably things like insecurity and fear, are amplified when I'm around others of that nature. Feelings like anger/rage/hate, which I don't naturally feel, are the ones with the weakest hold. The rest sort of fall in between there I guess. Hmm.
I like this idea but I also recognize that its just an idea. Who knows whats true, who cares, it doesn't matter ultimately anyway. Gahh. Dealing with feelings is weird and wasteful feeling! But what else can one do, being trapped in this body full of them, unable to turn them off?
We are all children.
I was talking with a friend yesterday about all the bad things that have happened with other people this year...he didn't understand why I wasn't more angry at them. It made me stop and wonder about it a little bit again. Why am I not angry at them? I think its more because I don't feel I should hold anyone else responsible for how I feel than it is that I don't blame them, or think what they did was wrong. I know what they did wasn't right, its why I feel so horrible! But I don't feel mad at them....no matter how deep I sift through my feelings.... I dunno when people tell me I should be angry, I can kinda feel like some weird semblance of anger mixed in with all my fear and sadness and pain...but its only when they tell me I should be - so is it real, or just an obligatory type of rage that I create upon being requested to?
I am the only one responsible for my feelings. I'm the one that creates them, after all. When another person acts a certain way towards me, they feel a certain way too - but they don't have the power to place that feeling on me unless I let it in, unless I choose to acknowledge the feelings they're having and create them for myself. Which....is what I do when I feel angry (at least in the scenario presented above).
Wow, what a basic tendency of mine! Its like...reverse projection? I'm sure there's a name for it. Ultra-sympathizing? Something like that. Fuck, babies do it all the time. When one baby starts crying in a room full of babies, the other babies often start to cry too. Its like some stupid infantile behavior I've carried on my whole life. That makes me feel pretty pathetic. I can't let the idea that this is just some stupid infantile behavior I've taken with me into maturity make me feel worthless though. I play into self-deprecating thoughts and language far too often. How the hell am I gonna heal if I just focus on my weak spots? So here's a note to self: there's never just one side of the story, facet on a diamond, or use (or lack of) of anything!
Anyway! What a discovery! Or rediscovery! But still, its wholly dangerous. It goes with a lot of feelings I see in others. Pretty much every feeling, to different degrees. The feelings I hold inside myself naturally, the positive ones and probably things like insecurity and fear, are amplified when I'm around others of that nature. Feelings like anger/rage/hate, which I don't naturally feel, are the ones with the weakest hold. The rest sort of fall in between there I guess. Hmm.
I like this idea but I also recognize that its just an idea. Who knows whats true, who cares, it doesn't matter ultimately anyway. Gahh. Dealing with feelings is weird and wasteful feeling! But what else can one do, being trapped in this body full of them, unable to turn them off?
We are all children.
Wednesday, October 27, 2010
to love
Its not that I don't want to. I do... so much. As I sorta started to say previously, I've become too dependent on the third person created in a relationship - that joint person between the couple involved. Its so funny as I study for grad school I come across all these ideas I came up with, written about by Freud and Jung and other depthy people. Its quite affirming, in a way.
At any rate, I'm incredibly broken right now. The last few weeks made me feel as though I was shattered and sort of put back together, but all deformed with pieces missing.
To properly put myself back together, I have to take it slow. I have to gather up every little shard, and start from the bottom and carefully put all the pieces back together.
I have to go slow, or it'll be wrong, and I will hurt, and those around me will hurt.
At any rate, I'm incredibly broken right now. The last few weeks made me feel as though I was shattered and sort of put back together, but all deformed with pieces missing.
To properly put myself back together, I have to take it slow. I have to gather up every little shard, and start from the bottom and carefully put all the pieces back together.
I have to go slow, or it'll be wrong, and I will hurt, and those around me will hurt.
ghh
Haven't been in the mood to write in here really the past couple days. Things are changing again. Perhaps a little more clarity has been gained, hopefully of a permanent nature. I dunno.
Tuesday, October 26, 2010
sleeepy
ZzZzZZzzz.z.....
Not much to say. Still all betwixty. I think I'm letting my emotions run my life. Emotions that I don't understand fully.Bluh..
Not much to say. Still all betwixty. I think I'm letting my emotions run my life. Emotions that I don't understand fully.Bluh..
Monday, October 25, 2010
blah blah blah
I have some sense of obligation to keep writing in this thing at least once every day. Not sure why or whether it matters or doesnt blah blah blah....
I realized today I was creating problems again when there didn't have to be any. I don't have to make that choice. I really probably shouldn't right now. As I've said before, I've become addicted to relationships and I need to remember that when trying to sort out what my problems are in life. I can't trust myself to look out for myself, at all, because I just want to ignore me and live to fulfill the happiness of others. Well, certain others.
Things can't be clear cut for me right now, but I think I know what I want. Heh, I say that right now but it seems to change every day. Obviously its just another sign I haven't been paying enough attention to myself...which...if anything the amount of entries already in this blog would seem to indicate otherwise...but its not enough obviously to make up for an entire lifetime of avoidance.
But do I really think I avoided myself all that much? I always felt like I valued introspection and self-development....but in light of how effed up my whole lifes been this year...I guess thats just it, everything's shifted, dramatically. This was one of those crazy jumpstart transitions that skips the gradual buildup and goes right into the middle of the action sequence. Well, kind of. Actually, it probably just seemed that way to me (and most everyone else) because I wasn't aware of the gradual buildup. Heh. All this shit I've been repressing or something just spewed itself out in some twisted fashion. Maybe...I dunno. Some repressed shit combined with recent shit I guess was the perfect combination to make me go nuts.
I never really expected to go nuts...most of my life I've been the clear headed, intelligent, perhaps a bit silly and spacey at times, but helpful and totally supportive advisor-type of friend....not someone who would do the things I've done this year....not jaded....or slightly bonkers....ok maybe slightly bonkers but in a more eccentric, innocent way. I think I've got that impression of myself right. I could fake a fair amount of confidence in myself, that in certain circumstances even...at least... felt... real.
I don't feel like that person anymore. I feel wasted and empty a lot of the time. I feel aged. Theres a lot of conflict....painful feelings and thoughts and images in my head....but also, all mixed in there, are my normal old feelings of happiness, joy, love....peacefulness, I swear that last ones somewhere deep down.... but these feelings seem to have trouble co-existing who would have thought? I can't just feel them all at once! Thats what makes me nuts I think....and why I have to dissociate sometimes.
I'm sick of feeling this pressure to choose, mostly self induced, if not all of it...of course. I can't do it right now. I literally can't choose something, anything, for myself. I need to work on myself first.
I need to take a step back....again. Gah, I keep trying for something I can't have. I need to set my own terms....I need to know what I want to set them as................................................hadgdgkdgjhdfasgghfhhadj
I realized today I was creating problems again when there didn't have to be any. I don't have to make that choice. I really probably shouldn't right now. As I've said before, I've become addicted to relationships and I need to remember that when trying to sort out what my problems are in life. I can't trust myself to look out for myself, at all, because I just want to ignore me and live to fulfill the happiness of others. Well, certain others.
Things can't be clear cut for me right now, but I think I know what I want. Heh, I say that right now but it seems to change every day. Obviously its just another sign I haven't been paying enough attention to myself...which...if anything the amount of entries already in this blog would seem to indicate otherwise...but its not enough obviously to make up for an entire lifetime of avoidance.
But do I really think I avoided myself all that much? I always felt like I valued introspection and self-development....but in light of how effed up my whole lifes been this year...I guess thats just it, everything's shifted, dramatically. This was one of those crazy jumpstart transitions that skips the gradual buildup and goes right into the middle of the action sequence. Well, kind of. Actually, it probably just seemed that way to me (and most everyone else) because I wasn't aware of the gradual buildup. Heh. All this shit I've been repressing or something just spewed itself out in some twisted fashion. Maybe...I dunno. Some repressed shit combined with recent shit I guess was the perfect combination to make me go nuts.
I never really expected to go nuts...most of my life I've been the clear headed, intelligent, perhaps a bit silly and spacey at times, but helpful and totally supportive advisor-type of friend....not someone who would do the things I've done this year....not jaded....or slightly bonkers....ok maybe slightly bonkers but in a more eccentric, innocent way. I think I've got that impression of myself right. I could fake a fair amount of confidence in myself, that in certain circumstances even...at least... felt... real.
I don't feel like that person anymore. I feel wasted and empty a lot of the time. I feel aged. Theres a lot of conflict....painful feelings and thoughts and images in my head....but also, all mixed in there, are my normal old feelings of happiness, joy, love....peacefulness, I swear that last ones somewhere deep down.... but these feelings seem to have trouble co-existing who would have thought? I can't just feel them all at once! Thats what makes me nuts I think....and why I have to dissociate sometimes.
I'm sick of feeling this pressure to choose, mostly self induced, if not all of it...of course. I can't do it right now. I literally can't choose something, anything, for myself. I need to work on myself first.
I need to take a step back....again. Gah, I keep trying for something I can't have. I need to set my own terms....I need to know what I want to set them as................................................hadgdgkdgjhdfasgghfhhadj
Didn't she turn
Didn't she go
Didn't she rise above it all
Didn't she learn
Didn't she see
This was not meant to be
No, no, no......
Didn't she go
Didn't she rise above it all
Didn't she learn
Didn't she see
This was not meant to be
No, no, no......
Saturday, October 23, 2010
i feel like I'm walking on a line................
You gave me heaven and hell...................................I've got that pain....something inside me...a kind of pain..................and maybe sometime I'll wonder how it was.............I just remember too well..............
This is such a depressing blog. I guess it helps me keep that depression out of my interactions with others a little bit. I guess that means its doing its job anyway. Catharsis........or something....
I remain incredibly confused. On the one hand, I have happiness, completeness. On the other, I have ambiguity, pain, and need. The choice seems clear, but I'm so hazy myself its hard to make that choice. Yet.
I want to be better, I really do. At least theres that. If I wasn't driven to improve...there'd be no chance.
DANCE PARTY??!!??!
Endless crisis, Shame on me.....
Make a promise and be strong
A word of wisdom : forget all about me
and get me out of your mind.
Come on....lets go back in time........................................
This is such a depressing blog. I guess it helps me keep that depression out of my interactions with others a little bit. I guess that means its doing its job anyway. Catharsis........or something....
I remain incredibly confused. On the one hand, I have happiness, completeness. On the other, I have ambiguity, pain, and need. The choice seems clear, but I'm so hazy myself its hard to make that choice. Yet.
I want to be better, I really do. At least theres that. If I wasn't driven to improve...there'd be no chance.
DANCE PARTY??!!??!
Endless crisis, Shame on me.....
Make a promise and be strong
A word of wisdom : forget all about me
and get me out of your mind.
Come on....lets go back in time........................................
Friday, October 22, 2010
weird dreams
I've been having a fair amount of weird dreams lately. I'm gonna record the latest one here, well, just because. I've got this ongoing theme involving scary dogs that continued on in this one. The last dream the scary dogs were starving and rabid, eating innocent children who were thrown into locked boxes with them against their will.This one the dogs weren't QUITE as scary....well, ok they were just not at first and in a different way.
I can't remember the beginning too well. I was starting what felt like another grad school class combined with something like group therapy or meditation. The teacher was like one of my grad school professors. The class happened outdoors, in this big nature reserve area. It was a forested place, with a variety of trees, as well as clear scrub land and grassy hills interspersed with bushes etc. Pretty nice. There was a shallow stream flowing by where we met on the first day, only an inch or so deep.
The teacher showed us how we would be accessing our secluded "classroom/meditation" area - if you knelt right in the middle of the water, put your hands down so that they were just touching the top of the water, and then pushed them and held them out forward, still touching the water lightly - you started floating forward across the top of the water, not getting wet at all - just skimming along the top, zooming like a little person-car. To change direction you just nudged that way with your arms, still maintaining contact with the top of the water. It was a smooth and easy sensation, awkward looking perhaps but quite fun. I remember the route to the spot for class or healing (it felt like both) became familiar very fast.
I had a partner who was going with me to class, first it was __ and at the end it was __, but I didn't notice the partner had changed till I woke up. Nothing weird happened with __ but I remember watching __ traveling to the spot once and noticing that he was trying to hurt himself before he got there. He'd try to break his fingers or bloody himself up at the shallowest part of the stream, where the water was only a few millimeters deep and had rocks jutting out of it, before arriving -- perhaps to look extra hurt, I think to gain some sort extra care or attention though I'm not sure about that. I remember being concerned and wanting to prevent him from doing this.
The dream shifted a bit at this point. I found myself on my way to class at night, just getting started floating on the stream towards the spot. As I zoomed cheerfully around a bend in the stream a dog, I believe a rottweiler, started barking ferociously at me from one of the banks; I was startled for a moment until I realized it was chained up and couldn't attack me. I relaxed and kept going, relieved it was tied up. But as I continued, I noticed I'd missed a turn in the stream and was continuing up another part of the stream. It flowed along the edge of a grassy ravine, and on the other side of the ravine were three or four gigantic dogs, not like the rottweiler, which was normal in size.
At this point it had shifted from night to brilliant blue skied day, although I was still in time for class. These new dogs looked like Great Danes and were the size of small horses, their coats were shiny and they were quite healthy and not really mean looking, as far as dogs go. I was still afraid of them though, because I knew they were on patrol, looking for people to attack. Perhaps they were guarding something and I was not welcome. I could see in a little while the ravine sloped up and connected with the level of land I was on, I was heading towards that on one side while the dogs headed towards it on the other side, sort of chasing me from across the way I suspect. Knowing I should stop going this direction, I jumped out of the stream and reoriented myself on land for a moment. I started running back but stopped, not sure what to do. The dogs were making ground fast, although they seemed to have lost track of where I was, it wasn't going to be long until they were right on top of me. I was worried about the class, I didn't want the dogs to find them and attack them. I thought of trying to run back and find them. I hesitated more, thinking it was pretty unlikely I'd be able to outrun the dogs. I started looking around for a good tree to climb to escape the dogs, getting more and more frantic and paralyzed by fear as the dogs loped around the edge of the ravine.........and thats when I woke up.
Now from what my therapist has said, and what I suspected from my first dog dream, the dogs, in one way, have something to do with a part of myself I'm afraid of. Some drive thats overtaken me in some way. I kinda think they're representative of my sexuality, which went on a rampage this year, taking the reigns for the first time in my life after being torn asunder in at least one, probably multiple, incidents that occurred. Obviously I'm afraid of it immensely. The chained dog was scary but controllable, so I was ok with that. The great danes, however, I'm not sure where to go with that yet. At least they were healthy and free, in a sense, unlike the rabid starving dogs of the previous dream. But at the same time they were the ones in charge, and they freaked me the hell out. Eh, ok, well, I'm done. I wanted to write it down before I forgot. My mom woke me up but she's gone now. So...i'll try to sleep.
Its sad, I'm all on edge from a dream about dogs....
I can't remember the beginning too well. I was starting what felt like another grad school class combined with something like group therapy or meditation. The teacher was like one of my grad school professors. The class happened outdoors, in this big nature reserve area. It was a forested place, with a variety of trees, as well as clear scrub land and grassy hills interspersed with bushes etc. Pretty nice. There was a shallow stream flowing by where we met on the first day, only an inch or so deep.
The teacher showed us how we would be accessing our secluded "classroom/meditation" area - if you knelt right in the middle of the water, put your hands down so that they were just touching the top of the water, and then pushed them and held them out forward, still touching the water lightly - you started floating forward across the top of the water, not getting wet at all - just skimming along the top, zooming like a little person-car. To change direction you just nudged that way with your arms, still maintaining contact with the top of the water. It was a smooth and easy sensation, awkward looking perhaps but quite fun. I remember the route to the spot for class or healing (it felt like both) became familiar very fast.
I had a partner who was going with me to class, first it was __ and at the end it was __, but I didn't notice the partner had changed till I woke up. Nothing weird happened with __ but I remember watching __ traveling to the spot once and noticing that he was trying to hurt himself before he got there. He'd try to break his fingers or bloody himself up at the shallowest part of the stream, where the water was only a few millimeters deep and had rocks jutting out of it, before arriving -- perhaps to look extra hurt, I think to gain some sort extra care or attention though I'm not sure about that. I remember being concerned and wanting to prevent him from doing this.
The dream shifted a bit at this point. I found myself on my way to class at night, just getting started floating on the stream towards the spot. As I zoomed cheerfully around a bend in the stream a dog, I believe a rottweiler, started barking ferociously at me from one of the banks; I was startled for a moment until I realized it was chained up and couldn't attack me. I relaxed and kept going, relieved it was tied up. But as I continued, I noticed I'd missed a turn in the stream and was continuing up another part of the stream. It flowed along the edge of a grassy ravine, and on the other side of the ravine were three or four gigantic dogs, not like the rottweiler, which was normal in size.
At this point it had shifted from night to brilliant blue skied day, although I was still in time for class. These new dogs looked like Great Danes and were the size of small horses, their coats were shiny and they were quite healthy and not really mean looking, as far as dogs go. I was still afraid of them though, because I knew they were on patrol, looking for people to attack. Perhaps they were guarding something and I was not welcome. I could see in a little while the ravine sloped up and connected with the level of land I was on, I was heading towards that on one side while the dogs headed towards it on the other side, sort of chasing me from across the way I suspect. Knowing I should stop going this direction, I jumped out of the stream and reoriented myself on land for a moment. I started running back but stopped, not sure what to do. The dogs were making ground fast, although they seemed to have lost track of where I was, it wasn't going to be long until they were right on top of me. I was worried about the class, I didn't want the dogs to find them and attack them. I thought of trying to run back and find them. I hesitated more, thinking it was pretty unlikely I'd be able to outrun the dogs. I started looking around for a good tree to climb to escape the dogs, getting more and more frantic and paralyzed by fear as the dogs loped around the edge of the ravine.........and thats when I woke up.
Now from what my therapist has said, and what I suspected from my first dog dream, the dogs, in one way, have something to do with a part of myself I'm afraid of. Some drive thats overtaken me in some way. I kinda think they're representative of my sexuality, which went on a rampage this year, taking the reigns for the first time in my life after being torn asunder in at least one, probably multiple, incidents that occurred. Obviously I'm afraid of it immensely. The chained dog was scary but controllable, so I was ok with that. The great danes, however, I'm not sure where to go with that yet. At least they were healthy and free, in a sense, unlike the rabid starving dogs of the previous dream. But at the same time they were the ones in charge, and they freaked me the hell out. Eh, ok, well, I'm done. I wanted to write it down before I forgot. My mom woke me up but she's gone now. So...i'll try to sleep.
Its sad, I'm all on edge from a dream about dogs....
Thursday, October 21, 2010
Wednesday, October 20, 2010
incomplete feeling entry
I was just laying in bed thinking man I havent posted a blog today. Why? Probably because I didnt feel like I needed to rant about anything in particular. I feel comfortably neutral, for the most part. Maybe a tad restless. Things are still up in the air in betweeny right now and it kinda sucks, but its how it has to be...so thats alright.
Time is just a whisperrr...in a waterfall...
So I was laying here thinking, well I have nothing really to say, but I feel like maybe I should say something. But then I was also thinking, if I don't have anything to say I shouldnt waste others time by writing something. But THEN I thought, when the hell did I start caring about wasting someone elses' time so much that it effects my ability to write in a personal blog even? That is awful silly. And it made me realize I did want to write something.
Something I've been doing a lot lately is inhibiting myself. Really? Anyone who has spent enough time with me would probably say I'm relatively uninhibited. But I can tell its not as much as it used to be. I've been incredibly self conscious and limited in how I act because of it. I dislike it immensely, its an awful feeling. Much better to be carefree. I know sometimes being uninhibited is rude or even bad to be. It irks some people.
I think most of the time it shouldn't matter. I don't want to be a jerk, but at the same time, if being myself is going to make some people think I'm a jerk, why should it matter? That is their problem, aye? If it hurts to inhibit myself should I do it for the momentary comfort of someone else? I'm sort of at a crossroads about this. Part of me thinks maybe I should, but maybe only sometimes, or with people I actually care about. Another part of me thinks I should try to live completely uninhibited all the time, regardless of how it impacts those around me. That seems so inconsiderate though. But I can't be over-considerate. I guess I need to work out my own happy medium on this.
I dont know how considerate of others I actually am anymore either. I think that I used to at least think that I was. But lately I think I've been so wrapped up in my swirling chaotic mess of emotions that I've cut a lot of my ties with others. I guess thats part of all my dissociative stuff. I've put so much distance between myself and myself, and myself and others....out of necessity. A coping mechanism of sorts. This is the weird blank part of me that feels like it should be labeled "sociopath." It comes out without my permission randomly whenever I interact with someone. Of course its not really a complete sociopath thing because I know better than to pick up a knife and slice someones neck or something when it happens. I'd never hurt anyone, although at times like this its best if I'm not operating heavy machinery. It feels like a total disconnect from humanity, and lasts for all of a few moments to hours sometimes.
Now that I think about it, I've had that in me for a long time. Even before this year's craziness happened...although perhaps its intensified now. I just check out sometimes. Its like I stop existing. My body is there but my mind is not. Its a weird feeling. Like theres a wire pulling my soul out the back of my skull. I can feel my soul cling desperately for a second onto the back of my eyeballs. If the dissociation doesn't last long sometimes thats as far as it goes, in fact most of the time thats as far as it goes. Hmm...yeah. Interesting. Kinda. Sorta. Eh.
Well its late again. Maybe more on this later, me?
Time is just a whisperrr...in a waterfall...
So I was laying here thinking, well I have nothing really to say, but I feel like maybe I should say something. But then I was also thinking, if I don't have anything to say I shouldnt waste others time by writing something. But THEN I thought, when the hell did I start caring about wasting someone elses' time so much that it effects my ability to write in a personal blog even? That is awful silly. And it made me realize I did want to write something.
Something I've been doing a lot lately is inhibiting myself. Really? Anyone who has spent enough time with me would probably say I'm relatively uninhibited. But I can tell its not as much as it used to be. I've been incredibly self conscious and limited in how I act because of it. I dislike it immensely, its an awful feeling. Much better to be carefree. I know sometimes being uninhibited is rude or even bad to be. It irks some people.
I think most of the time it shouldn't matter. I don't want to be a jerk, but at the same time, if being myself is going to make some people think I'm a jerk, why should it matter? That is their problem, aye? If it hurts to inhibit myself should I do it for the momentary comfort of someone else? I'm sort of at a crossroads about this. Part of me thinks maybe I should, but maybe only sometimes, or with people I actually care about. Another part of me thinks I should try to live completely uninhibited all the time, regardless of how it impacts those around me. That seems so inconsiderate though. But I can't be over-considerate. I guess I need to work out my own happy medium on this.
I dont know how considerate of others I actually am anymore either. I think that I used to at least think that I was. But lately I think I've been so wrapped up in my swirling chaotic mess of emotions that I've cut a lot of my ties with others. I guess thats part of all my dissociative stuff. I've put so much distance between myself and myself, and myself and others....out of necessity. A coping mechanism of sorts. This is the weird blank part of me that feels like it should be labeled "sociopath." It comes out without my permission randomly whenever I interact with someone. Of course its not really a complete sociopath thing because I know better than to pick up a knife and slice someones neck or something when it happens. I'd never hurt anyone, although at times like this its best if I'm not operating heavy machinery. It feels like a total disconnect from humanity, and lasts for all of a few moments to hours sometimes.
Now that I think about it, I've had that in me for a long time. Even before this year's craziness happened...although perhaps its intensified now. I just check out sometimes. Its like I stop existing. My body is there but my mind is not. Its a weird feeling. Like theres a wire pulling my soul out the back of my skull. I can feel my soul cling desperately for a second onto the back of my eyeballs. If the dissociation doesn't last long sometimes thats as far as it goes, in fact most of the time thats as far as it goes. Hmm...yeah. Interesting. Kinda. Sorta. Eh.
Well its late again. Maybe more on this later, me?
Tuesday, October 19, 2010
weee
I'm pretty sure its just my hormones being loopy, but I'm quite giddy at the moment.
Augh, switching from all these emotions all the time garrrrr ah well might as well enjoy the ride, what else can I do.........................
To think of things like daffodils and peaceful sheep on clovered hills
The morning sun, the weeper wills, and
you'll see the face that i love
think of any old stag getting ready to drag
down comes the rain
but it's raining confetti!!!
...then think of things like
far off isles
to blue green eyes, and sunlit smiles
and in your hand
the wishing star
the one you thought too far above
every lovely view introduces you
to the face I love...............................................................the place I love^
Augh, switching from all these emotions all the time garrrrr ah well might as well enjoy the ride, what else can I do.........................
The morning sun, the weeper wills, and
you'll see the face that i love
think of any old stag getting ready to drag
down comes the rain
but it's raining confetti!!!
...then think of things like
far off isles
to blue green eyes, and sunlit smiles
and in your hand
the wishing star
the one you thought too far above
every lovely view introduces you
to the face I love...............................................................the place I love^
Monday, October 18, 2010
lfsdfasfg
Well, I guess I feel more...settled about everything. Resigned, or something, at least. I was beating myself up for no reason. I shouldn't let things get to me so easily, its silly and pointless. Why do I insist on forgetting this?
Eh. Eh. Eh.
I just gotta focus on the present and stop lamenting about all my losses...because THERES NO USE CRYING OVER SPILLED MILK AM I RIGHT?
Eh. Eh. Eh.
I just gotta focus on the present and stop lamenting about all my losses...because THERES NO USE CRYING OVER SPILLED MILK AM I RIGHT?
but seriously again
I've decided I'll try to be a little more productive than just sitting there and taking it, internalizing it all and then not eating and killing myself slowly. Just a little bit more productive than that...
I forget theres always openly communicating about things. Heh. So we shall see. I have all these random theories as to why things are happening the way they are......I feel so split up...
I'm tired but I don't want to sleep, and when I do I don't sleep for long.. I'm developing insomnia I think. Woah. Weird.
I forget theres always openly communicating about things. Heh. So we shall see. I have all these random theories as to why things are happening the way they are......I feel so split up...
I'm tired but I don't want to sleep, and when I do I don't sleep for long.. I'm developing insomnia I think. Woah. Weird.
why can't I just be......there.....
And summer's fall
Time is just a whisper
In a waterfall
Forever now
Forever now
Every road I wander
Brings me back here
Next to you
Be still my love
And close your eyes
Don't say a word
No hows or whys
Everything I need, within me
All the dreams I've dreamed, are true
And all the starry skies, inside me
When I'm next to you.................
(steve hiller version preferred)
Sunday, October 17, 2010
Surprise, surprise...
Through a lack of eating or drinking much of anything the last few days or week or whatever, plus all the emotional strain I've been under, I have managed to make myself physically sick as well. I feel so gross. I feel lesser than the slimy residue beneath rocks; at least it feeds other tiny brainless organisms. I'm apparently not worth anything of the sort, it'd be best if I was sterilized and sent away to a prison camp somewhere to make car doors or something.
Can you tell how low my level of self worth is? How dare I even give myself the privilege of accessing the internet to write in a blog about my own worthless, stupid, made up problems? I'm too inept to even use the internet. I'm not worth being in a relationship with. Not at all. I'm far too inferior, in pretty much every way. The only use I serve, perhaps, is to cart others of more significance around and get them shit they want. But only until they find someone better I would guess. Or perhaps less beaten down and broken. Or maybe more. I don't know.
I try to give, give, give, not really expecting much in return. Just seeing another person satisfied in some way is enough. Now maybe thats sick in some ways....... and I'm not at all saying I'm a good person for being altruistic. Its just another adaptation humans developed over time as a new strategy for survival. However, receiving insult in the place of thanks and in between everything else... I don't know how to handle that very well. I guess my default way of handling everything is just to be incredibly stupid about it all. Or at the very least to think that I'm being incredibly stupid about it all and then act accordingly or get so discouraged that I give up before even trying. Yup.
Evolutionarily speaking, it wouldn't make sense to continue giving to someone who doesn't give you what you want in return (with the assumption this is an isolated altruistic activity that will not be seen by anyone else who might be of benefit to you). But...thinking about it, I do get what I want back - as I said above - another person's satisfaction does it for me. Gives me that little chip of self-worth to add to my pile I guess. So, that is still being fulfilled......but at the same time, chip by chip, my self worth is being decimated.
So I have a few options. I can continue doing what I'm doing. Give and gain +1 self worth, and get back -10 self worth....I could try to give even more and hopefully increase the amount of self worth I gain from it...counter the negative get back....
Or I could just quit the game. I don't want to give up on anyone though! I still care! About them!
Well I seem to suck at everything so I'll probably do whats easiest and continue doing what I'm doing. Maybe slowly get myself out of it. Or die first. Who knows.
Whoo for melodramatic bullshit.
Can you tell how low my level of self worth is? How dare I even give myself the privilege of accessing the internet to write in a blog about my own worthless, stupid, made up problems? I'm too inept to even use the internet. I'm not worth being in a relationship with. Not at all. I'm far too inferior, in pretty much every way. The only use I serve, perhaps, is to cart others of more significance around and get them shit they want. But only until they find someone better I would guess. Or perhaps less beaten down and broken. Or maybe more. I don't know.
I try to give, give, give, not really expecting much in return. Just seeing another person satisfied in some way is enough. Now maybe thats sick in some ways....... and I'm not at all saying I'm a good person for being altruistic. Its just another adaptation humans developed over time as a new strategy for survival. However, receiving insult in the place of thanks and in between everything else... I don't know how to handle that very well. I guess my default way of handling everything is just to be incredibly stupid about it all. Or at the very least to think that I'm being incredibly stupid about it all and then act accordingly or get so discouraged that I give up before even trying. Yup.
Evolutionarily speaking, it wouldn't make sense to continue giving to someone who doesn't give you what you want in return (with the assumption this is an isolated altruistic activity that will not be seen by anyone else who might be of benefit to you). But...thinking about it, I do get what I want back - as I said above - another person's satisfaction does it for me. Gives me that little chip of self-worth to add to my pile I guess. So, that is still being fulfilled......but at the same time, chip by chip, my self worth is being decimated.
So I have a few options. I can continue doing what I'm doing. Give and gain +1 self worth, and get back -10 self worth....I could try to give even more and hopefully increase the amount of self worth I gain from it...counter the negative get back....
Or I could just quit the game. I don't want to give up on anyone though! I still care! About them!
Well I seem to suck at everything so I'll probably do whats easiest and continue doing what I'm doing. Maybe slowly get myself out of it. Or die first. Who knows.
Whoo for melodramatic bullshit.
Friday, October 15, 2010
to blame
What does it even matter? The fact that I know, have always known, in the back of my head and now moreso in the front, that I've been manipulated? Completely, utterly, lead on.
Fuck if it mattered I'd just been raped a few months previously, and prior to and after that manipulated & forced into sex, deceived on multiple occasions by those I trusted and some of which I'd known for most of my life, hurt physically and emotionally....and before that even my whole life having been hurt, lost, and in denial of some very traumatic experiences in general.
Actually, that did matter, because that's what made all this possible. Like a cheetah singling out the weakest gazelle in the herd. A cheetah who is even more in denial than I am, so much so he can't even see how he's exactly like everyone else.
But...in the land where everything is meaningless what does it matter?
It doesn't.
Awesome.
Even though theres a good chance I'm incredibly sick, I'm still not going to blame.
Fuck if it mattered I'd just been raped a few months previously, and prior to and after that manipulated & forced into sex, deceived on multiple occasions by those I trusted and some of which I'd known for most of my life, hurt physically and emotionally....and before that even my whole life having been hurt, lost, and in denial of some very traumatic experiences in general.
Actually, that did matter, because that's what made all this possible. Like a cheetah singling out the weakest gazelle in the herd. A cheetah who is even more in denial than I am, so much so he can't even see how he's exactly like everyone else.
But...in the land where everything is meaningless what does it matter?
It doesn't.
Awesome.
Even though theres a good chance I'm incredibly sick, I'm still not going to blame.
burn baby burn
I felt like I almost went totally crazy today. Maybe I've always been crazy and just believed others who said I wasn't.
My moms the main one i think...but hell if she isn't crazy too.
Well, I guess I'll never know. Because even if I am "crazy" who can actually diagnose me? Isn't everyone just as potentially nuts, albeit in their own special way of course.
Hey at least theres that, I'm crazy in my own special little way. Dawwwww....
My moms the main one i think...but hell if she isn't crazy too.
Well, I guess I'll never know. Because even if I am "crazy" who can actually diagnose me? Isn't everyone just as potentially nuts, albeit in their own special way of course.
Hey at least theres that, I'm crazy in my own special little way. Dawwwww....
Wednesday, October 13, 2010
fsdkfjsfksj
I meant to post something in here all day. Today was mostly positive. Revivified after some good ol' fashioned psychotherapy. I realized that some things that I'd started to think we wrong in my life were just fine the way they were....and possibly better than they were. So many things....like how so much I want to be that unrelenting positive force. I don't care if its foolish or hopeless or anything I'm gonna be the one that keeps beating against solid brick walls with my bare fists, slowly wearing it down one fist at a time!
FISTS OF AWESOME!
FISTS OF JOY!!!!!
FISTS OF AWESOME!
FISTS OF JOY!!!!!
Monday, October 11, 2010
another blog title...
Its getting easier again, being alone. Thank goodness! I can achieve that old balance I had before. Well I guess it wasn't really hard to be alone in and of itself, it was just that I always craved to be around someone else...and now thats going away. Ok that sounds wrong too. What I mean is, it has become possible again to be happy and not feel the happiness compromised by the urge to share it with someone else. I can just BE happy. And also want to share it with someone else, at the same time, without anything being compromised! Thats how it should be....its how it was. Things have just gotten out of control. Instead of becoming obsessed with drugs or alcohol or food I was obsessed with relationships....
Its funny, I know that no matter what I say in here there's no way it can be taken exactly the way I mean it to be taken by anyone else reading....and it makes me think about how really no one can know who is sane or insane when it comes down to it because we all have different standards by which to judge such. Same goes for intelligence or really any other personal trait.
So uh...I'm not a very definitive person. Hah!!
And I will love to see the day.....
Its funny, I know that no matter what I say in here there's no way it can be taken exactly the way I mean it to be taken by anyone else reading....and it makes me think about how really no one can know who is sane or insane when it comes down to it because we all have different standards by which to judge such. Same goes for intelligence or really any other personal trait.
So uh...I'm not a very definitive person. Hah!!
And I will love to see the day.....
its 4:30 am
.....and all but one person in our house is awake. The sun hasn't even risen yet, 2 people are just waking up and at least 4 family members have yet to fall asleep.At least 3 people are in line to use the shower at this godawful hour.......odd.
I'm eating more lasagna, the only food I will eat for the next few days. That and this bag of Doritos right here.
Tonight was a fun night. My mind started playing thousands of tricks on me again. Shadows bloomed out of nowhere, bursting into my view in suggestive, looming shapes....dashing across the street right ahead of me, crawling, jittering, and slinking into and out of my sight. Trees with faces twisted in pain, black spirits hovering, clinging to their branches, which are full of tiny imps with crazed eyes. As I drive away....I look into the rear view mirror and a menacing stranger grimaces at me, in a panic I clench the wheel and try to reorient myself to the idea that he's not really there, saying "hail Mary...." softly or just in my head, blinking, looking back again and seeing that he's gone....only to reappear again when I'm off guard again. Deep, dense black holes full of some immense energy open up on street signs, in the dividers on either side of the freeway.....horrible dark monstrosities brace themselves, ready to spring onto my car and wrench off the doors to get at me.....a dark, menacing grimace from the back seat, my seat belt tightens as I catch myself tensing and throwing myself forward against the wheel in a moment of total fear....and then with another shock imagine losing control of the car, the windshield shattering and piercing through my chest, my face, my eyes..........the car crashes, I'm shrouded in blackness, the demons and shadow creatures slither up and consume me......the grimacing man smiles and yet its as menacing as the grimace....
Thats the most I've ever described some of what I see at night. Sometimes during the day, but definitely more so at night. I've always just thought it was an overactive imagination combined with my panic attack stuff....
Alright thats all I wanted to get down for now. Bed time...
I'm eating more lasagna, the only food I will eat for the next few days. That and this bag of Doritos right here.
Tonight was a fun night. My mind started playing thousands of tricks on me again. Shadows bloomed out of nowhere, bursting into my view in suggestive, looming shapes....dashing across the street right ahead of me, crawling, jittering, and slinking into and out of my sight. Trees with faces twisted in pain, black spirits hovering, clinging to their branches, which are full of tiny imps with crazed eyes. As I drive away....I look into the rear view mirror and a menacing stranger grimaces at me, in a panic I clench the wheel and try to reorient myself to the idea that he's not really there, saying "hail Mary...." softly or just in my head, blinking, looking back again and seeing that he's gone....only to reappear again when I'm off guard again. Deep, dense black holes full of some immense energy open up on street signs, in the dividers on either side of the freeway.....horrible dark monstrosities brace themselves, ready to spring onto my car and wrench off the doors to get at me.....a dark, menacing grimace from the back seat, my seat belt tightens as I catch myself tensing and throwing myself forward against the wheel in a moment of total fear....and then with another shock imagine losing control of the car, the windshield shattering and piercing through my chest, my face, my eyes..........the car crashes, I'm shrouded in blackness, the demons and shadow creatures slither up and consume me......the grimacing man smiles and yet its as menacing as the grimace....
Thats the most I've ever described some of what I see at night. Sometimes during the day, but definitely more so at night. I've always just thought it was an overactive imagination combined with my panic attack stuff....
Alright thats all I wanted to get down for now. Bed time...
Sunday, October 10, 2010
up for being up cont...
So this is to continue my thoughts from yesterday. So the blog entry before the blog entry before this one.
I don't think its bad to be focused on the present, as I can be. Not usually anyway. I think thats generally a good way to live life, as much as possible. Its inevitable that a person will, at times, get lost thinking about past traumas, or past good times, and get stuck pondering about future problems or dreams, and sure sometimes its necessary to plan ahead or think about past things in order to better understand your present self....but the more you can just enjoy yourself on a day to day basis, well, the more you WILL enjoy yourself on a day to day basis. Heh. How else can you? All the good memories you have probably come from when you were able to focus on whatever great was happening in the present moment anyway! If you're stuck thinking about past events when you're out on the town with someone its not going to be that great of a time...unless the whole point of the evening was to sit and reminisce on awesome old times I guess?? hahhaha always leave room for exceptions...
but still, if you think about it, generally you have the best times when you just relax and take in whats going on around you right then and there. Its hard sometimes for me to see why its hard for people to do this. Yeah, I've got a lot of issues to deal with from my past, and mostly when I'm alone, I think about them and try and sort them out with my therapist and stuff like that. And I guess....with some people the past just always seems to be getting in the way....when you're with them its like a trigger to upsetting memories, ways of responding, feeling, etc...well what the hell do you do then?? Not be around that person anymore? I'd like to think its just a matter of healing the upsets.....................and moving on.
And yea, maybe i do have too much faith in a person's ability to "change." I know I'm changing though, because I am me, and I'm becoming more and more aware of whats going on with me...
And because of this I never want to abandon any friend I make. I always give a person the benefit of the doubt. If I can heal, they can heal...we can rebuild our relationships...and they can take all the time they need, no rush, I wouldn't ever assume they would heal in the same manner I do, or in the same time frame (not to imply I heal faster or slower). Maybe they'll never heal, per se, or maybe itll take until after I'm dead and gone, but thats ok too. I can still care for them, and enjoy being with them in some way...if they want to. If they don't want...I will try and accept the loss of a friend as best I can...but I'll always care for them. We all have different ways of processing things, potentially...and thats fine. Thats just how it is. I know soon I'm going to figure out how to contact a couple people I've had trauma with and get complete with it. [Grr something about this paragraph feels incomplete in itself. Perhaps I'll reexamine it later and write a whole nother blog about it hah.]
....And even the most fucked up people I know, and the ones that have hurt me the deepest...I still love. I still worry about their well being, and wish I could be there for them to comfort them and be a true friend to them. Even if they stab you in the back a million times, or take advantage of you when you're at your most vulnerable...its ultimately all ok with me. I love them. I love people. I love everything. I'm just so overwhelmed to know that I can know so much! I can be in touch with so many things in my life, trivial or significant. Its all so inspiring to me!!
Even amidst all the pain and loss...the love in me is so much stronger...and I'm taken aback by how it differs with so many other people. But even though I can see their world is one of mostly darkness and pain, and I can relate with those parts of me that are also full of pain and dark...theres still all that light, all the joy and lively energy from merely existing to counter it and make even the bad times seem....not so bad at all....
How can I possibly be down to be down with all that inside me? I just.....love.
People tell me all the time how naive I am...how childish or simple minded I can be. Well its definitely true in a lot of ways, and I dont think thats a bad thing really. What makes being an adult human being better than being a child human being anyway? We're still all just animals when it comes down to it. And who is to say is the wiser, an adult who hates his life or the child who loves it? I feel as though I have the best of both worlds, or well, have the potential to have the best of both worlds, eventually.
I can be the carefree child and the confident wise woman.....
I'm working on it.
I don't think its bad to be focused on the present, as I can be. Not usually anyway. I think thats generally a good way to live life, as much as possible. Its inevitable that a person will, at times, get lost thinking about past traumas, or past good times, and get stuck pondering about future problems or dreams, and sure sometimes its necessary to plan ahead or think about past things in order to better understand your present self....but the more you can just enjoy yourself on a day to day basis, well, the more you WILL enjoy yourself on a day to day basis. Heh. How else can you? All the good memories you have probably come from when you were able to focus on whatever great was happening in the present moment anyway! If you're stuck thinking about past events when you're out on the town with someone its not going to be that great of a time...unless the whole point of the evening was to sit and reminisce on awesome old times I guess?? hahhaha always leave room for exceptions...
but still, if you think about it, generally you have the best times when you just relax and take in whats going on around you right then and there. Its hard sometimes for me to see why its hard for people to do this. Yeah, I've got a lot of issues to deal with from my past, and mostly when I'm alone, I think about them and try and sort them out with my therapist and stuff like that. And I guess....with some people the past just always seems to be getting in the way....when you're with them its like a trigger to upsetting memories, ways of responding, feeling, etc...well what the hell do you do then?? Not be around that person anymore? I'd like to think its just a matter of healing the upsets.....................and moving on.
And yea, maybe i do have too much faith in a person's ability to "change." I know I'm changing though, because I am me, and I'm becoming more and more aware of whats going on with me...
And because of this I never want to abandon any friend I make. I always give a person the benefit of the doubt. If I can heal, they can heal...we can rebuild our relationships...and they can take all the time they need, no rush, I wouldn't ever assume they would heal in the same manner I do, or in the same time frame (not to imply I heal faster or slower). Maybe they'll never heal, per se, or maybe itll take until after I'm dead and gone, but thats ok too. I can still care for them, and enjoy being with them in some way...if they want to. If they don't want...I will try and accept the loss of a friend as best I can...but I'll always care for them. We all have different ways of processing things, potentially...and thats fine. Thats just how it is. I know soon I'm going to figure out how to contact a couple people I've had trauma with and get complete with it. [Grr something about this paragraph feels incomplete in itself. Perhaps I'll reexamine it later and write a whole nother blog about it hah.]
....And even the most fucked up people I know, and the ones that have hurt me the deepest...I still love. I still worry about their well being, and wish I could be there for them to comfort them and be a true friend to them. Even if they stab you in the back a million times, or take advantage of you when you're at your most vulnerable...its ultimately all ok with me. I love them. I love people. I love everything. I'm just so overwhelmed to know that I can know so much! I can be in touch with so many things in my life, trivial or significant. Its all so inspiring to me!!
Even amidst all the pain and loss...the love in me is so much stronger...and I'm taken aback by how it differs with so many other people. But even though I can see their world is one of mostly darkness and pain, and I can relate with those parts of me that are also full of pain and dark...theres still all that light, all the joy and lively energy from merely existing to counter it and make even the bad times seem....not so bad at all....
How can I possibly be down to be down with all that inside me? I just.....love.
People tell me all the time how naive I am...how childish or simple minded I can be. Well its definitely true in a lot of ways, and I dont think thats a bad thing really. What makes being an adult human being better than being a child human being anyway? We're still all just animals when it comes down to it. And who is to say is the wiser, an adult who hates his life or the child who loves it? I feel as though I have the best of both worlds, or well, have the potential to have the best of both worlds, eventually.
I can be the carefree child and the confident wise woman.....
I'm working on it.
,,,
Wow its getting early again....
I have nothing to say, as I'm all tuckered out for the evening. Just felt a little bad leaving the last entry the way it was...my brothers birthday took up all of my time today. Up until the last two minutes when I fixed myself a little before bedtime snack....
I had to talk someone down from a panic attack tonight. Someone whose been through some similar stuff to mine. Similar personality traits, except she wasn't lucky to be born into a family with a bunch of boys to protect her and was unlucky enough to encounter many more bad people than I....
I have nothing to say, as I'm all tuckered out for the evening. Just felt a little bad leaving the last entry the way it was...my brothers birthday took up all of my time today. Up until the last two minutes when I fixed myself a little before bedtime snack....
I had to talk someone down from a panic attack tonight. Someone whose been through some similar stuff to mine. Similar personality traits, except she wasn't lucky to be born into a family with a bunch of boys to protect her and was unlucky enough to encounter many more bad people than I....
Saturday, October 9, 2010
i have to pee RIGHT NOW
I find it interesting how easy it is for me to ignore the bad things in my life when others seem to have so much more trouble doing so. I'm not really sure why I'm so good at that, or how good it is that I am good at it...but it sure is nice not having to be insanely depressed all the time.
And I guess it makes me a bit of an asshole to be around, sometimes. I guess because I'm not down to be down all the time i can be rude when others are. My mom thinks its a sign of maturity. Heh. I'm not so sure. Obviously I'm really good at distracting myself, and probably not so good at dealing with whatever problems I may actually have. Hmm, definitely related. Yeah. And if my unwillingness to deal with shit extends when I'm with other people...well thats just awful. I don't want to be that inconsiderate person who just ignores how others are feeling...but...am I? Maybe...or maybe I'm just being paranoid. I would imagine if I was such a person I wouldn't be worried about it....or maybe I would and it wouldn't stop me from being inconsiderate AHHHH......
Hehe...down for being down. I'm totally up for being up! Yeaaah! Its really easy for me to just get lost in the moment. Whatevers present I mean. If I'm driving I'll roll the windows down and just let the air whip my hair around and I can be completely swept away in bliss. Even if just moments before I was in a rut. I guess thats not always true....
Aw shiz I'm gettin cut short. Ill get back to this entry. Its my brothers birthday today! More family time!
And I guess it makes me a bit of an asshole to be around, sometimes. I guess because I'm not down to be down all the time i can be rude when others are. My mom thinks its a sign of maturity. Heh. I'm not so sure. Obviously I'm really good at distracting myself, and probably not so good at dealing with whatever problems I may actually have. Hmm, definitely related. Yeah. And if my unwillingness to deal with shit extends when I'm with other people...well thats just awful. I don't want to be that inconsiderate person who just ignores how others are feeling...but...am I? Maybe...or maybe I'm just being paranoid. I would imagine if I was such a person I wouldn't be worried about it....or maybe I would and it wouldn't stop me from being inconsiderate AHHHH......
Hehe...down for being down. I'm totally up for being up! Yeaaah! Its really easy for me to just get lost in the moment. Whatevers present I mean. If I'm driving I'll roll the windows down and just let the air whip my hair around and I can be completely swept away in bliss. Even if just moments before I was in a rut. I guess thats not always true....
Aw shiz I'm gettin cut short. Ill get back to this entry. Its my brothers birthday today! More family time!
Thursday, October 7, 2010
back to numb square square to numb dead freakin fun times
Well! Obviously I've been avoiding a bunch of shit because it all came rushing out at me today. Well, not all of it. Probably just some of it.
What a horrendous time of it. No wonder I chose to ignore it for so long. I can't decide if I want to cry or just evaporate.
Truly I know what it feels like to dissociate. No doubt about it. As if there ever was...
Fuck. I'm fucked up. A-duh I can't be with anyone else, I'm way too messed, who the hell was I foolin? No one but myself really. And everywhere I go I see this face...
He'd be celebrating his 3rd birthday right around now....
What a horrendous time of it. No wonder I chose to ignore it for so long. I can't decide if I want to cry or just evaporate.
Truly I know what it feels like to dissociate. No doubt about it. As if there ever was...
Fuck. I'm fucked up. A-duh I can't be with anyone else, I'm way too messed, who the hell was I foolin? No one but myself really. And everywhere I go I see this face...
He'd be celebrating his 3rd birthday right around now....
Wednesday, October 6, 2010
when will i be strong enough? when can all this distance be bridged?
Its becoming all the more stark...
I can't be with anyone right now. I want to so badly. And that's part of why I can't.
Its too incomplete....this search for completeness in another person...
Yet seeing all this unhappiness in the ones I love...its killing me. I just want to be!! I just want to be!!! But its too late, my being depends on someone else now. What do you want from me? Just tell me, please...what will make you happy? I'd give anything if I could make it so. How can I prove to you that I actually care?
So...no relationships for me, its all too broken....
It feels like I'm in love with a black hole....maybe I should just let it crush me into nothing...
..........would that take away all this pain?
what can i do................?
I can't be with anyone right now. I want to so badly. And that's part of why I can't.
Its too incomplete....this search for completeness in another person...
Yet seeing all this unhappiness in the ones I love...its killing me. I just want to be!! I just want to be!!! But its too late, my being depends on someone else now. What do you want from me? Just tell me, please...what will make you happy? I'd give anything if I could make it so. How can I prove to you that I actually care?
So...no relationships for me, its all too broken....
It feels like I'm in love with a black hole....maybe I should just let it crush me into nothing...
..........would that take away all this pain?
what can i do................?
Tuesday, October 5, 2010
another one in the same day!?
I just have so much washing through me right now it seemed as though I could write more. I like keeping my blog posts sorta on one topic...and not have some massive rambling lame piece about a bunch of different things all mushed together.
Although realistically this whole things already like that heh. It feels kinda silly to be blogging about myself like this anyway. But I'm going to overlook that stupid self conscious thought and keep doing it, with the hope that it is in some way cathartic.
Well, I guess this one I wanted to mention how I'm feeling overall right now:
Pretty sad. But...hopeful...maybe...I'm trying to be anyway. I want things to get better and better and better!! For everyone I care for....some more than others...but really everyone. Because I think I'd feel so much better then too, to be simple and childish about it again.
Is it bad or selfish that I am happier around people who are so unhappy, people who I have just added burdens to by being myself around them, just because I love being with them? That I want to continue to be with them even if its not good for them? If it gets in their way of healing themselves?
There really truly is a strong pull to be, to really, fully be, with someone. Ultimately, its everyone, but its also rather specific. Weird.
And as I learn more about depth psychology I'm going to learn that I have a HUUUUGE mother complex and all sorts of other things I'm sure. haha.
I also know that now I have a better opportunity to do what I've probably been avoiding doing for a large part lately: working more on myself. Hence, I blog.
As I said, I'm pretty sad...
Although realistically this whole things already like that heh. It feels kinda silly to be blogging about myself like this anyway. But I'm going to overlook that stupid self conscious thought and keep doing it, with the hope that it is in some way cathartic.
Well, I guess this one I wanted to mention how I'm feeling overall right now:
Pretty sad. But...hopeful...maybe...I'm trying to be anyway. I want things to get better and better and better!! For everyone I care for....some more than others...but really everyone. Because I think I'd feel so much better then too, to be simple and childish about it again.
Is it bad or selfish that I am happier around people who are so unhappy, people who I have just added burdens to by being myself around them, just because I love being with them? That I want to continue to be with them even if its not good for them? If it gets in their way of healing themselves?
There really truly is a strong pull to be, to really, fully be, with someone. Ultimately, its everyone, but its also rather specific. Weird.
And as I learn more about depth psychology I'm going to learn that I have a HUUUUGE mother complex and all sorts of other things I'm sure. haha.
I also know that now I have a better opportunity to do what I've probably been avoiding doing for a large part lately: working more on myself. Hence, I blog.
As I said, I'm pretty sad...
coldcoldcold. must remember this is just personal blogginess
I am super cold right now. And there's a warm, aching pressure over my right ear from when I was leaning my head into my hand. My necks also all twisted and shaking as I lean on my right elbow and type. My hands are a little numb. My face feels like it usually feels...gross. And my nose is cold too. I can easily ignore all those things but its always interesting to describe such moment to moment sort of stuff and then read about it later, imagining the physical scene again...
I haven't talked much about how much I hate my face in here. A lot of the time I am really aware of how ugly it feels to me...just this constant little thought worming itself into my present reality sporadically throughout the day. Its a stupid feeling, I know, and pointless. But its there. Its something I've readjusted my entire world around, in a way. Sometimes I feel fine, even great, about how I look, usually in relation to how I'm feeling. If I'm feeling like the world is beautiful, then I feel beautiful. But then I will feel my face, or see it reflected somewhere...and that feeling evaporates. Its weird, and it will forever best be summed up from that paragraph in The Little Locksmith:
"....I looked in the mirror, and was horror-struck because I did not recognize myself. In the place where I was standing, with that persistent romantic elation in me, as if I were a favored fortunate person to whom everything was possible, I saw a stranger, a little, pitiable, hideous figure, and a face that became, as I stared at it, painful and blushing with shame. It was only a disguise, but it was on me, for life. It was there, it was there, it was real. Every one of those encounters was like a blow on the head. They left me dazed and dumb and senseless every time, until slowly and stubbornly my robust persistent illusion of well-being and of personal beauty spread all through me again, and I forgot the irrelevant reality and was all unprepared and vulnerable again..."
And I think I really do know how I look...a lot of people find my face attractive, even beautiful. But I think its not a typical kind of beautiful, its limited and warped and eh maybe only from a certain angle and only at specific times during the day. Its just weird....... Heh. Ok. Uhh...so maybe I'll never be able to really know how I look. I mean... I know it doesn't make sense at all for me to hate on myself for my physical attributes. I know its completely pointless and silly etc etc but I STILL DO IT. Sometimes. Not all the time. But its always a risk when there's a mirror around. It feels like something that will never change but I'd like to be optimistic...and think it just hasn't changed yet. Maybe I should just live in a house void of any reflective surface and never take photos of myself...yes...too bad my house is full of mirrors everywhere that capture every ugly angle of my face ever. And even then if other people make comments, good or bad, about my appearance I'm likely to become salient of it all again anyway. Hahaha this is all so pathetic.
Tying to be vain. A little phototherapy?
Its sad that my self esteem, at this point, is more effected by the idea that my self esteem is effected by this crap. Why do I insist on being so stupid about this? Why do I give into these superficial feelings about how I look? Its just ingrained in me and no matter how smart I actually am I can't stop being stupid about this! Bleh.
So to be diagnostic yea I do have some level of BDD, I feel far uglier than I may actually be. And it does extend beyond my face, though my face is the trigger and the biggest part of me that I become fixated on for sure. For a long while and even now to a lesser extent it stopped me from dressing certain ways and socializing as much as I might have (although for both of these things my BDD was only a part of the reason).
So there are my current thoughts about my physical self I guess. I'm sure I could ramble on in length about all the ugly things about myself but I believe I've captured the essence enough already.
This is the most pitiful blog entry. I hate the fact that I feel that it is though, because it just continues to show that I'm comparing myself to something or someone or even just the idea that I should be better than all this. That I shouldnt feel the way I do. I have to remember that ultimately it just IS how I feel and theres nothing I can do about it and no reason to be ashamed about it either....
Tuesday, September 28, 2010
being different isnt a bad thing
It doesn't mean you have to feel certain ways about anything, it doesn't even have to be distinguished as being "different."
Why?
Nothing is inherently bad or good or really any other adjective in and of itself. It just is the way it is.
Usque universalis, nihilum sanctus, nihilum profanus...
Not sure if I have that quoted right, I don't know latin, just trying to remember something I've seen on a license plate frame for years now.
So things just are the way they are. Life just IS the way it is. Yes, ultimately it is all empty and meaningless...but it is empty and meaningless that it is empty and meaningless!
So why care if you feel isolated from the rest of humanity? It doesn't matter. It just is that way. No need to make up some level of personal significance to this because we all know nothing matters anyway.
Haha, of course...we all will anyway. Because we are human and its what we do. Even I do it. I'm typing in this blog right now, making up some level of personal significance about what I'm writing! Its inevitable because we are trapped in these human bodies riddled with hormones and genetic codes that urge us to do things and with these human brains that give us thoughts that tell us things mean this or that and that the world IS one way or another...when really all we see and think and feel, its just another part of the random, meaninglessness of being alive.
We aren't really all that different from the mindless animals we see around us. The biggest difference that we have is that we SEE a difference. We can "think" we are different. Whereas animals are just driven by their chemical and their genetic instincts to run around, eat, sleep, fuck, and poop, our chemicals and genetics drove us to develop a way to make shit up in order to get around certain adaptive problems we faced somewhere in our history, with the overall goal being to find better ways to eat, sleep, fuck, and poop. What we ended up doing was finding a way to feel like we are different.
Because truth is pretty much everyone you meet will tell you, "I've always felt different from the rest of people." Ever noticed that? Now how could that be true? Humans are genetically programmed to "feel different." Now that in itself implies we aren't completely different at least, and I suspect we all have much more in common than most of us readily want to admit. This is why most of my life I've tried to deny the fact that I feel different. This of course makes no difference, because innately I still feel different, and just trying to deny the fact that I feel different when no one else seems to be doing that MAKES ME FEEL DIFFERENT.
Oh, its all so meaningless and empty anyway..........
Its interesting the way this blog post has wound about sorta. It still feels really incomplete to me. Hmm...its also important to note that this whole spiel in here is just one tiny facet of everything I wonder about....one tiny part of who I am? I dunno how to say it better than that. Anyway....
Oh. So what do we do with ourselves, our inevitable human mechanisms that create meaning when there is no meaning and cause us all these "problems"?
Well, I'm not completely sure if this works for everyone, but for me, just being able to take note that nothing really matters is quite a relieving idea. And even though on a day to day basis I will continue to get sucked into all the useless interpretations of being alive that my brain creates, all the problems I make up for myself, just trying to keep the meaninglessness of it all present in my mind helps take the weight off a little bit.
OMG my car is broken down and I have no money and I need $34958366 for such and such before this deadline ahhhhh!!!! ----meaninglessnessmeaninglessnessmeaninglessnessmeaninglessness------- yes....hmm well my car is broken, I have no money,and I need such and such etc etc....mmhmm...okay..."
I guess it serves as a source of comfort, the thought of meaninglessness. It doesn't mean I'm going to just sit down and die and not do anything because its all meaningless though, thats one way to take it I suppose but why do that? All that does is make you feel crappy. And even though feelings in themselves are meaningless ultimately too...you still have to live with them!
And if there was a choice given between living a happy pointless life and living a sad pointless life...huh, I'm choosin the happy one, because its much nicer thank you very much.
Why?
Nothing is inherently bad or good or really any other adjective in and of itself. It just is the way it is.
Usque universalis, nihilum sanctus, nihilum profanus...
Not sure if I have that quoted right, I don't know latin, just trying to remember something I've seen on a license plate frame for years now.
So things just are the way they are. Life just IS the way it is. Yes, ultimately it is all empty and meaningless...but it is empty and meaningless that it is empty and meaningless!
So why care if you feel isolated from the rest of humanity? It doesn't matter. It just is that way. No need to make up some level of personal significance to this because we all know nothing matters anyway.
Haha, of course...we all will anyway. Because we are human and its what we do. Even I do it. I'm typing in this blog right now, making up some level of personal significance about what I'm writing! Its inevitable because we are trapped in these human bodies riddled with hormones and genetic codes that urge us to do things and with these human brains that give us thoughts that tell us things mean this or that and that the world IS one way or another...when really all we see and think and feel, its just another part of the random, meaninglessness of being alive.
We aren't really all that different from the mindless animals we see around us. The biggest difference that we have is that we SEE a difference. We can "think" we are different. Whereas animals are just driven by their chemical and their genetic instincts to run around, eat, sleep, fuck, and poop, our chemicals and genetics drove us to develop a way to make shit up in order to get around certain adaptive problems we faced somewhere in our history, with the overall goal being to find better ways to eat, sleep, fuck, and poop. What we ended up doing was finding a way to feel like we are different.
Because truth is pretty much everyone you meet will tell you, "I've always felt different from the rest of people." Ever noticed that? Now how could that be true? Humans are genetically programmed to "feel different." Now that in itself implies we aren't completely different at least, and I suspect we all have much more in common than most of us readily want to admit. This is why most of my life I've tried to deny the fact that I feel different. This of course makes no difference, because innately I still feel different, and just trying to deny the fact that I feel different when no one else seems to be doing that MAKES ME FEEL DIFFERENT.
Oh, its all so meaningless and empty anyway..........
Its interesting the way this blog post has wound about sorta. It still feels really incomplete to me. Hmm...its also important to note that this whole spiel in here is just one tiny facet of everything I wonder about....one tiny part of who I am? I dunno how to say it better than that. Anyway....
Oh. So what do we do with ourselves, our inevitable human mechanisms that create meaning when there is no meaning and cause us all these "problems"?
Well, I'm not completely sure if this works for everyone, but for me, just being able to take note that nothing really matters is quite a relieving idea. And even though on a day to day basis I will continue to get sucked into all the useless interpretations of being alive that my brain creates, all the problems I make up for myself, just trying to keep the meaninglessness of it all present in my mind helps take the weight off a little bit.
OMG my car is broken down and I have no money and I need $34958366 for such and such before this deadline ahhhhh!!!! ----meaninglessnessmeaninglessnessmeaninglessnessmeaninglessness------- yes....hmm well my car is broken, I have no money,and I need such and such etc etc....mmhmm...okay..."
I guess it serves as a source of comfort, the thought of meaninglessness. It doesn't mean I'm going to just sit down and die and not do anything because its all meaningless though, thats one way to take it I suppose but why do that? All that does is make you feel crappy. And even though feelings in themselves are meaningless ultimately too...you still have to live with them!
And if there was a choice given between living a happy pointless life and living a sad pointless life...huh, I'm choosin the happy one, because its much nicer thank you very much.
And it works across the board.
Sunday, September 26, 2010
Gaah
The forum training stuff is soo awesome. But I've really forgotten a lot of it already. Its hard to keep it all in perspective when you're out in the real world away from all the possibility.
I want everyone in my life to do it, so we can use the same language to work on problems. But I let my own assumptions about others keep me from being really committed to getting them all involved.
I just have to remember: I create all the breakdowns in my life. It is so important to remember that the only one who can ever be responsible for any problem in your life is YOU, because every life is separated from reality, from every other person, on some level. You can change everything just by readjusting to that perspective. The perspective that you create everything.
So...the last entry I said I wanted to be happy. Simply enough I need to just be that way. Create the perspective that allows me to be happy. And to share it with others...because if I don't share it, it will get tarnished or pushed away again whenever I'm with anyone - I have to keep it present around others or else it will not exist anymore. Thats what has happened...I've lost my ability to create my own happiness because I've destroyed the possibilities I can create for myself.
Goddamm. I also make everything feel so complicated and hopeless. I gotta stop that. Bluhhh its hard! We all resist the things that seem hardest to change. I've gotten complacent about the idea that my relationships have to be complicated and hopeless and unfixable but that is simply not true.
I just hope I can keep everything in perspective.
The forum training stuff is soo awesome. But I've really forgotten a lot of it already. Its hard to keep it all in perspective when you're out in the real world away from all the possibility.
I want everyone in my life to do it, so we can use the same language to work on problems. But I let my own assumptions about others keep me from being really committed to getting them all involved.
I just have to remember: I create all the breakdowns in my life. It is so important to remember that the only one who can ever be responsible for any problem in your life is YOU, because every life is separated from reality, from every other person, on some level. You can change everything just by readjusting to that perspective. The perspective that you create everything.
So...the last entry I said I wanted to be happy. Simply enough I need to just be that way. Create the perspective that allows me to be happy. And to share it with others...because if I don't share it, it will get tarnished or pushed away again whenever I'm with anyone - I have to keep it present around others or else it will not exist anymore. Thats what has happened...I've lost my ability to create my own happiness because I've destroyed the possibilities I can create for myself.
Goddamm. I also make everything feel so complicated and hopeless. I gotta stop that. Bluhhh its hard! We all resist the things that seem hardest to change. I've gotten complacent about the idea that my relationships have to be complicated and hopeless and unfixable but that is simply not true.
I just hope I can keep everything in perspective.
Friday, September 24, 2010
i dont know
I don't know how much I know about nothing
I might know some things...
Random things...
Bits and pieces of a few different sorts of things... here and there...
Well here I am, a week away from starting graduate school, starting out in a way so typically grad student-ish. No money, no real source of income, car basically dead, no way to buy the books I need to do homework thats due the first day of class...all my relationships in a mess, my heart and my head all messed up....
I keep swinging back and forth between hopefulness and hopelessness, believing in and eager to have good times one second and wanting to hide under a rock the next. I feel like all I've been doing is either hurting people, not being good enough for them, not being useful, or just encumbering them in their own progress or just not being able to give them what they want....which even if it isn't good for me is what I tend to want to do....gahhh I have to stop doing that!
Its hard to stop doing the thing you feel so drawn to do. God, am I really going to try and be a therapist? I have all these doubts plaguing me about this. I know graduate school will be good for me regardless if I decide to go into therapy...I suppose I should just be satisfied with that, even if it does put me in even more debt to do it....it will change my life.
The problem is Im not satisfied right now. I want to make peace again, in all areas of my life, so badly. I can't stand all this discordance between myself and my loved ones, it feels horrible.....................and yet I can't fix it. I can't just make everyone happy.
I have to figure out how to make myself happy first I guess....we shall see what Lisa says...
I might know some things...
Random things...
Bits and pieces of a few different sorts of things... here and there...
Well here I am, a week away from starting graduate school, starting out in a way so typically grad student-ish. No money, no real source of income, car basically dead, no way to buy the books I need to do homework thats due the first day of class...all my relationships in a mess, my heart and my head all messed up....
I keep swinging back and forth between hopefulness and hopelessness, believing in and eager to have good times one second and wanting to hide under a rock the next. I feel like all I've been doing is either hurting people, not being good enough for them, not being useful, or just encumbering them in their own progress or just not being able to give them what they want....which even if it isn't good for me is what I tend to want to do....gahhh I have to stop doing that!
Its hard to stop doing the thing you feel so drawn to do. God, am I really going to try and be a therapist? I have all these doubts plaguing me about this. I know graduate school will be good for me regardless if I decide to go into therapy...I suppose I should just be satisfied with that, even if it does put me in even more debt to do it....it will change my life.
The problem is Im not satisfied right now. I want to make peace again, in all areas of my life, so badly. I can't stand all this discordance between myself and my loved ones, it feels horrible.....................and yet I can't fix it. I can't just make everyone happy.
I have to figure out how to make myself happy first I guess....we shall see what Lisa says...
Wednesday, September 22, 2010
bombombombom
Man every time I get back to this blog and look over previous entries I automatically think, "Man thats not right! Why was I thinking that?"
Obviously this blog is a good example of just how big of a transition I'm in right now. My outlook is in constant upheaval... however...I know that my core way of being hasn't changed. I just haven't found out all about it yet.... I have a pretty good idea I think, and it shows even in my previous entries. All the little things in here that seem to be similar....they point to my core way of being. All the rest of it, eh, its just crazy talk. But crazy talk has its place, its just a way to sort things out obviously.
I feel as though I'm getting better at doing what my gut tells me to do. I suppose I've already been better than many at this, as being uninhibited is one of my core values, and going with whims is part of that in a way. And yeah, sometimes you dont want to go with your gut right off the bat, but I think really 99% of the time its a good option....and...well, what other option is there? What else will make you happy? Happiness is a feeling, so if you go by something other than your feelings....you have no way to know if it will make you happy.
Anyway thats a thought for the day. Totally getting distracted by my dad right now. Going to sign off.
Oh, I loooove distractions.........................
Obviously this blog is a good example of just how big of a transition I'm in right now. My outlook is in constant upheaval... however...I know that my core way of being hasn't changed. I just haven't found out all about it yet.... I have a pretty good idea I think, and it shows even in my previous entries. All the little things in here that seem to be similar....they point to my core way of being. All the rest of it, eh, its just crazy talk. But crazy talk has its place, its just a way to sort things out obviously.
I feel as though I'm getting better at doing what my gut tells me to do. I suppose I've already been better than many at this, as being uninhibited is one of my core values, and going with whims is part of that in a way. And yeah, sometimes you dont want to go with your gut right off the bat, but I think really 99% of the time its a good option....and...well, what other option is there? What else will make you happy? Happiness is a feeling, so if you go by something other than your feelings....you have no way to know if it will make you happy.
Anyway thats a thought for the day. Totally getting distracted by my dad right now. Going to sign off.
Oh, I loooove distractions.........................
Wednesday, September 15, 2010
Monday, August 30, 2010
Ugh, I'm in a horrible state right now. I can't stand it. I just keep looking for distractions from MYSELF......
.......when the hell did I have to start doing that!?! Why!!? I doubt everything I say, do, think, feel....everything.
Its awful. I'm so mixed up. I don't want to hurt anyone. I shouldn't be around anyone. Its not good for them...not really. Its not good for me...to be around me. Ugh. But all I want is to be around someone.... even though its not helping anyone to be with them, in fact its probably just bad........
I feel just...broken.
Trampled, dirtied, dripping and seeping................into nothing.
I keep losing sight of where I end and others begin...or vice versa.
I am dead.
We are all dead.
Incomplete
I've been re-realizing a lot of stuff lately. I've always gotta say "re" in front of all that stuff because I know its generally stuff I've thought about or recognized before...but with the way the world works, the way human brains work...it just gets shifted out of focus over and over again as daily life continues...
One thing I re-realized is, no matter how much I want to be with someone completely, passionately...to help them feel better or to motivate them or whatever you want to call it... I can't really do it.
Its not possible, at least not right now (I still like to leave space for the impossible, just in case). Why? Sort of because of what I talked about above...
Because I'm human.
Every person's life is, by design, going to be about itself. Rule number one in our genetic code: protect your genes. Rule number two: pass them on. Everything else a person does in life is fundamentally run by those two rules, even if just in some long, indirect way.
I got it in my head ages and ages ago that I wanted to really be there for another person (s). I wanted to help. I wanted to instill the same vigor for life I have in others. How the hell can I even begin to do that when I don't know why I feel like that in the first place? I just am that way. How can I even be with another person when I can't fully just be, myself? I thought I had that last bit for a while...but I definitely don't any longer. Its hard to be alone now...which is something I never thought would be a problem for me.
I can vaguely look back to my years in high school...shortly before 11th grade when I really was soooo happy, just being alone. Thats when I really started attracting other peoples attention...because I had something so many people want...a completeness, pure joy...spurred not by anyone elses presence, just something I had because I could have it, all by myself. It ended pretty quickly though. Why? Because I let it. I got involved with someone, who, to this day, means a lot to me, but who I had to plug myself and my pure joy into, and mix myself up with...diluting the pureness with whatever emotions he had in himself...he was shattered and depressed and full of self-loathing and doubt...
Still, I loved him. I could see the beauty in him, the seed of joy inside him that he couldn't nurture. Oh, I see that with so many people....I thought maybe I could nurture it for him, use my happiness to help it grow...
But thats not enough...not really. It creates something new, something neither completely one person or the other. Thats a relationship. The space between two people where their emotions, their personalities, meet and mix and, in a way, make up a new person, a new way of being, that only exists when those two people are together. Each individual feeds off that relationship, taking a bit of the mixture in and using it to supplement their own personal emotional bank. It feels good though, usually, for myself and the other. And...maybe it can help a depressed person to take in some of the happiness from another person, but its only ever gonna be a temporary fix because they aren't able to create that happiness for themselves when alone.
Sigh....yet my original desires for helping others be passionate about life for themselves has been lost. I guess that whole idea is just bunk anyway. If a person is to simply enjoy life for the sake of life, its only somethign they can develop. Trying to instill it in them myself just creates a relationship, a joint pool of emotion where they feel MY zest for life and, when I leave, are left with just a hollow reminder of how awesome it felt, and no tools to create it themselves.
I guess I realized this was how it was on some level, and thought, well, if I just limit who I share myself with, I can just be with them all the time and give give give and maybe eventually just by being around me they'll permanently hold onto happiness. I love giving, I really do, it feels so wonderful to light someone else up, it definitely lights me up a bit too to see it...but the way I am lit up is like a reflection of a reflection on some dim surface....
I've been alright with this modus operandi for a while now. Well, I've been doing it my whole life, but its only been recently that I've noticed my supplies have or are very close to running out. I've been depleted of joy and have only the love for others left...yeah...theres so many layers of happiness in me: joy, passion, love for others....but one by one theyre going to fade out if I keep giving giving giving as I so long to....
and what use would i be to anyone then?
I am mightily incomplete.
One thing I re-realized is, no matter how much I want to be with someone completely, passionately...to help them feel better or to motivate them or whatever you want to call it... I can't really do it.
Its not possible, at least not right now (I still like to leave space for the impossible, just in case). Why? Sort of because of what I talked about above...
Because I'm human.
Every person's life is, by design, going to be about itself. Rule number one in our genetic code: protect your genes. Rule number two: pass them on. Everything else a person does in life is fundamentally run by those two rules, even if just in some long, indirect way.
I got it in my head ages and ages ago that I wanted to really be there for another person (s). I wanted to help. I wanted to instill the same vigor for life I have in others. How the hell can I even begin to do that when I don't know why I feel like that in the first place? I just am that way. How can I even be with another person when I can't fully just be, myself? I thought I had that last bit for a while...but I definitely don't any longer. Its hard to be alone now...which is something I never thought would be a problem for me.
I can vaguely look back to my years in high school...shortly before 11th grade when I really was soooo happy, just being alone. Thats when I really started attracting other peoples attention...because I had something so many people want...a completeness, pure joy...spurred not by anyone elses presence, just something I had because I could have it, all by myself. It ended pretty quickly though. Why? Because I let it. I got involved with someone, who, to this day, means a lot to me, but who I had to plug myself and my pure joy into, and mix myself up with...diluting the pureness with whatever emotions he had in himself...he was shattered and depressed and full of self-loathing and doubt...
Still, I loved him. I could see the beauty in him, the seed of joy inside him that he couldn't nurture. Oh, I see that with so many people....I thought maybe I could nurture it for him, use my happiness to help it grow...
But thats not enough...not really. It creates something new, something neither completely one person or the other. Thats a relationship. The space between two people where their emotions, their personalities, meet and mix and, in a way, make up a new person, a new way of being, that only exists when those two people are together. Each individual feeds off that relationship, taking a bit of the mixture in and using it to supplement their own personal emotional bank. It feels good though, usually, for myself and the other. And...maybe it can help a depressed person to take in some of the happiness from another person, but its only ever gonna be a temporary fix because they aren't able to create that happiness for themselves when alone.
Sigh....yet my original desires for helping others be passionate about life for themselves has been lost. I guess that whole idea is just bunk anyway. If a person is to simply enjoy life for the sake of life, its only somethign they can develop. Trying to instill it in them myself just creates a relationship, a joint pool of emotion where they feel MY zest for life and, when I leave, are left with just a hollow reminder of how awesome it felt, and no tools to create it themselves.
I guess I realized this was how it was on some level, and thought, well, if I just limit who I share myself with, I can just be with them all the time and give give give and maybe eventually just by being around me they'll permanently hold onto happiness. I love giving, I really do, it feels so wonderful to light someone else up, it definitely lights me up a bit too to see it...but the way I am lit up is like a reflection of a reflection on some dim surface....
I've been alright with this modus operandi for a while now. Well, I've been doing it my whole life, but its only been recently that I've noticed my supplies have or are very close to running out. I've been depleted of joy and have only the love for others left...yeah...theres so many layers of happiness in me: joy, passion, love for others....but one by one theyre going to fade out if I keep giving giving giving as I so long to....
and what use would i be to anyone then?
I am mightily incomplete.
Friday, August 27, 2010
yet still. Still. Yet....
There is a constant, thrumming anxiety centralized somewhere over my heart. Its been there for the past few days...maybe longer.
At any rate, been looking through old poetry. I believe that every person, for the majority of their lives, mostly deal with the same struggles over and over again. They create the same problems for themselves, they give in to the same bad habits or make the same mistakes over and over again. Even after we identify the problems we have its awfully hard to actually "fix them" - perhaps impossible in some ways. If how you truly are is at the root of the problem, how can you actually change it? Its who you truly are. So then its not fixing it that you must do, it is finding the best way to deal with it, or how to most adequately apply it to your life.
And remaining aware of the potential effects it has on your life. Being aware of yourself is so important, and for myself and probably most everyone exactly what we tend not to do. Its more comfortable to not be aware of yourself, truly aware, because to face who everyone really is is to face the death of who we've come to think we are.
Oh how easy it is to get lost in something else, anyone else! To avoid dealing with our own problems by using another person, animal, thing, whatever, as a bandaid, a crutch, whatever you want to call it. I question the very reason for any relationship because of this tendency. Is the only reason for being in a relationship, beyond of course the basic desire to carry on our genetic code, simply to have another place to create a fake identity? A shared, but nevertheless false identity? Well, its not always shared. Not ever exactly the same anyway just by the very nature of humanitys disconnection from...humanity. The creation of this fake identity plays a part in every aspect of our lives, not just relationships. But I think the relationships part is a huge part of it and since it effects more than one person often presents the most trouble/pain.
Why can't a person be happy on their own? Why do we all crave a relationship? I suspect fundamentally, beyond the identity stuff, its our animal brains urge to procreate supplying our human sentience with another area to make up a reason simply to cover up that its literally just a desire to procreate. Why do we feel incomplete unless we can share something with another? It reminds me of that saying, "He/shes my other half." That phrase has always bothered me because it implies we are all just half a person walking around waiting to find the other half of ourselves IN SOMEONE ELSE.
The things people do to maintain these distractions we call "relationships"...can be scary. Making things into games...trying to manipulate things, to control them and cling desperately to them...all to avoid looking at what we think are our faults, our problems...or simply the nothingness underneath it all.
I'm not saying I'm immune to these urges myself. I've become far too wrapped up in my relationships the last few years, now I look back fondly on a time I can hardly remember when I was obligated to no one but myself. But I bet if I did separate myself those urges would come back strongly anyway. Still, I think it most important to strive to be able to be completely content when alone, with no one but ourselves for company.
I have the tendency to create the same identity with my relationships over and over again. Ive started catching myself in some key habits too. Like feeling used...when its me who is giving nonstop! Its my choice! Yet I feel victimized for it. I feel as though I don't know how to be selfish, but really, I'm being incredibly selfish in my selflessness; just feeding some fundamental compulsion I have to lose myself in the world of someone else, giving myself up and dissolving into the other person. And that idea right there in that last sentence is also just another habit - another thought I have created about who I am or what I do. When really....theres nothing. [note to self: this section is incomplete. its not just a compulsion?]
And where do I go from there? Where does anyone go from there? Theres really only a couple places to go...beyond the grave or back to where you were! And if the second choice is taken, the key is to be able to remain aware of all this shit when you go back. It seems almost impossible to me to be capable of doing that. I'm so easily distracted....I guess I can't help it though, I'm only human and all right, thats what we do best.
Anyhoo, I can't think on this anymore. I have crap poop crap to do. Heres an old poem I think relates to everything in my life ever (written circa 2004)
I know so little
But --
I know
That you
Don’t know
Me
Yet still
I believe you
The distance
Between myself
Grows further
Would you mock me?
You ask for the servant
To vie with the served
You know so much
But what do you know
Of this?
A game played
In conceited languor
You play the master
And
I will play the fool
For I love him
Dearest of all
Wow this entry has become very long. Again just another awesome way to distract myself on some level. Even though the thing I'm distracting myself from here is just another distraction in itself. Awesome.
At any rate, been looking through old poetry. I believe that every person, for the majority of their lives, mostly deal with the same struggles over and over again. They create the same problems for themselves, they give in to the same bad habits or make the same mistakes over and over again. Even after we identify the problems we have its awfully hard to actually "fix them" - perhaps impossible in some ways. If how you truly are is at the root of the problem, how can you actually change it? Its who you truly are. So then its not fixing it that you must do, it is finding the best way to deal with it, or how to most adequately apply it to your life.
And remaining aware of the potential effects it has on your life. Being aware of yourself is so important, and for myself and probably most everyone exactly what we tend not to do. Its more comfortable to not be aware of yourself, truly aware, because to face who everyone really is is to face the death of who we've come to think we are.
Oh how easy it is to get lost in something else, anyone else! To avoid dealing with our own problems by using another person, animal, thing, whatever, as a bandaid, a crutch, whatever you want to call it. I question the very reason for any relationship because of this tendency. Is the only reason for being in a relationship, beyond of course the basic desire to carry on our genetic code, simply to have another place to create a fake identity? A shared, but nevertheless false identity? Well, its not always shared. Not ever exactly the same anyway just by the very nature of humanitys disconnection from...humanity. The creation of this fake identity plays a part in every aspect of our lives, not just relationships. But I think the relationships part is a huge part of it and since it effects more than one person often presents the most trouble/pain.
Why can't a person be happy on their own? Why do we all crave a relationship? I suspect fundamentally, beyond the identity stuff, its our animal brains urge to procreate supplying our human sentience with another area to make up a reason simply to cover up that its literally just a desire to procreate. Why do we feel incomplete unless we can share something with another? It reminds me of that saying, "He/shes my other half." That phrase has always bothered me because it implies we are all just half a person walking around waiting to find the other half of ourselves IN SOMEONE ELSE.
The things people do to maintain these distractions we call "relationships"...can be scary. Making things into games...trying to manipulate things, to control them and cling desperately to them...all to avoid looking at what we think are our faults, our problems...or simply the nothingness underneath it all.
I'm not saying I'm immune to these urges myself. I've become far too wrapped up in my relationships the last few years, now I look back fondly on a time I can hardly remember when I was obligated to no one but myself. But I bet if I did separate myself those urges would come back strongly anyway. Still, I think it most important to strive to be able to be completely content when alone, with no one but ourselves for company.
I have the tendency to create the same identity with my relationships over and over again. Ive started catching myself in some key habits too. Like feeling used...when its me who is giving nonstop! Its my choice! Yet I feel victimized for it. I feel as though I don't know how to be selfish, but really, I'm being incredibly selfish in my selflessness; just feeding some fundamental compulsion I have to lose myself in the world of someone else, giving myself up and dissolving into the other person. And that idea right there in that last sentence is also just another habit - another thought I have created about who I am or what I do. When really....theres nothing. [note to self: this section is incomplete. its not just a compulsion?]
And where do I go from there? Where does anyone go from there? Theres really only a couple places to go...beyond the grave or back to where you were! And if the second choice is taken, the key is to be able to remain aware of all this shit when you go back. It seems almost impossible to me to be capable of doing that. I'm so easily distracted....I guess I can't help it though, I'm only human and all right, thats what we do best.
Anyhoo, I can't think on this anymore. I have crap poop crap to do. Heres an old poem I think relates to everything in my life ever (written circa 2004)
I know so little
But --
I know
That you
Don’t know
Me
Yet still
I believe you
The distance
Between myself
Grows further
Would you mock me?
You ask for the servant
To vie with the served
You know so much
But what do you know
Of this?
A game played
In conceited languor
You play the master
And
I will play the fool
For I love him
Dearest of all
Wow this entry has become very long. Again just another awesome way to distract myself on some level. Even though the thing I'm distracting myself from here is just another distraction in itself. Awesome.
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