I'm so nervous about class right now. I think I'm more nervous than I usually am because I feel as though I'm vastly unprepared.
I think I'm blowing it out of proportion though... sort of channeling some of my other anxieties into school anxiety or something. Ugh, I hate being so complicated like that. Why can't I just be normal? And yes I know thats a null argument and everything but I still feel like that... stupidly.
Guhhh why am I so upset inside right now?!?! This whole week has been like that. I'm just...anxious and scared and sad and confused and full of some sort of pain that I don't know what to attribute to...well, not exactly...
I have some serious trust issues I'm realizing. As soon as someone hurts me in a particular way I start to shut down...but I try to resist it and end up shifting in and out of anxiousness and ok-ness with the slightest things triggering the anxiety....and inevitably i try to resist it and just leave. I run away from the pain. I check out. I think I've talked about it before in here, its the same sort of dissociation I've always had, or seems like I've always had. Well, iono, not always I think. Hard to remember when I wasn't though.
Anyway I'm just blowing off steam before I have to go to class and face all my classmates who are probably at least 50-70% better at preparing for class than I've been. I do not like being such a slacker. Part of me wants to just give up on grad school but I think I give up too easily, its the same as running away from the pain.....and I'm tired of doing all that. So I'mma keep trying...even though it all seems so daunting at the moment.......key word being SEEMS I guess....
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