So this is to continue my thoughts from yesterday. So the blog entry before the blog entry before this one.
I don't think its bad to be focused on the present, as I can be. Not usually anyway. I think thats generally a good way to live life, as much as possible. Its inevitable that a person will, at times, get lost thinking about past traumas, or past good times, and get stuck pondering about future problems or dreams, and sure sometimes its necessary to plan ahead or think about past things in order to better understand your present self....but the more you can just enjoy yourself on a day to day basis, well, the more you WILL enjoy yourself on a day to day basis. Heh. How else can you? All the good memories you have probably come from when you were able to focus on whatever great was happening in the present moment anyway! If you're stuck thinking about past events when you're out on the town with someone its not going to be that great of a time...unless the whole point of the evening was to sit and reminisce on awesome old times I guess?? hahhaha always leave room for exceptions...
but still, if you think about it, generally you have the best times when you just relax and take in whats going on around you right then and there. Its hard sometimes for me to see why its hard for people to do this. Yeah, I've got a lot of issues to deal with from my past, and mostly when I'm alone, I think about them and try and sort them out with my therapist and stuff like that. And I guess....with some people the past just always seems to be getting in the way....when you're with them its like a trigger to upsetting memories, ways of responding, feeling, etc...well what the hell do you do then?? Not be around that person anymore? I'd like to think its just a matter of healing the upsets.....................and moving on.
And yea, maybe i do have too much faith in a person's ability to "change." I know I'm changing though, because I am me, and I'm becoming more and more aware of whats going on with me...
And because of this I never want to abandon any friend I make. I always give a person the benefit of the doubt. If I can heal, they can heal...we can rebuild our relationships...and they can take all the time they need, no rush, I wouldn't ever assume they would heal in the same manner I do, or in the same time frame (not to imply I heal faster or slower). Maybe they'll never heal, per se, or maybe itll take until after I'm dead and gone, but thats ok too. I can still care for them, and enjoy being with them in some way...if they want to. If they don't want...I will try and accept the loss of a friend as best I can...but I'll always care for them. We all have different ways of processing things, potentially...and thats fine. Thats just how it is. I know soon I'm going to figure out how to contact a couple people I've had trauma with and get complete with it. [Grr something about this paragraph feels incomplete in itself. Perhaps I'll reexamine it later and write a whole nother blog about it hah.]
....And even the most fucked up people I know, and the ones that have hurt me the deepest...I still love. I still worry about their well being, and wish I could be there for them to comfort them and be a true friend to them. Even if they stab you in the back a million times, or take advantage of you when you're at your most vulnerable...its ultimately all ok with me. I love them. I love people. I love everything. I'm just so overwhelmed to know that I can know so much! I can be in touch with so many things in my life, trivial or significant. Its all so inspiring to me!!
Even amidst all the pain and loss...the love in me is so much stronger...and I'm taken aback by how it differs with so many other people. But even though I can see their world is one of mostly darkness and pain, and I can relate with those parts of me that are also full of pain and dark...theres still all that light, all the joy and lively energy from merely existing to counter it and make even the bad times seem....not so bad at all....
How can I possibly be down to be down with all that inside me? I just.....love.
People tell me all the time how naive I am...how childish or simple minded I can be. Well its definitely true in a lot of ways, and I dont think thats a bad thing really. What makes being an adult human being better than being a child human being anyway? We're still all just animals when it comes down to it. And who is to say is the wiser, an adult who hates his life or the child who loves it? I feel as though I have the best of both worlds, or well, have the potential to have the best of both worlds, eventually.
I can be the carefree child and the confident wise woman.....
I'm working on it.
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