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I have some sense of obligation to keep writing in this thing at least once every day. Not sure why or whether it matters or doesnt blah blah blah....

I realized today I was creating problems again when there didn't have to be any. I don't have to make that choice. I really probably shouldn't right now. As I've said before, I've become addicted to relationships and I need to remember that when trying to sort out what my problems are in life. I can't trust myself to look out for myself, at all, because I just want to ignore me and live to fulfill the happiness of others. Well, certain others.

Things can't be clear cut for me right now, but I think I know what I want. Heh, I say that right now but it seems to change every day. Obviously its just another sign I haven't been paying enough attention to myself...which...if anything the amount of entries already in this blog would seem to indicate otherwise...but its not enough obviously to make up for an entire lifetime of avoidance.

But do I really think I avoided myself all that much? I always felt like I valued introspection and self-development....but in light of how effed up my whole lifes been this year...I guess thats just it, everything's shifted, dramatically. This was one of those crazy jumpstart transitions that skips the gradual buildup and goes right into the middle of the action sequence. Well, kind of. Actually, it probably just seemed that way to me (and most everyone else) because I wasn't aware of the gradual buildup. Heh. All this shit I've been repressing or something just spewed itself out in some twisted fashion. Maybe...I dunno. Some repressed shit combined with recent shit I guess was the perfect combination to make me go nuts.

I never really expected to go nuts...most of my life I've been the clear headed, intelligent, perhaps a bit silly and spacey at times, but helpful and totally supportive advisor-type of friend....not someone who would do the things I've done this year....not jaded....or slightly bonkers....ok maybe slightly bonkers but in a more eccentric, innocent way. I think I've got that impression of myself right. I could fake a fair amount of confidence in myself, that in certain circumstances even...at least... felt... real.

I don't feel like that person anymore. I feel wasted and empty a lot of the time. I feel aged. Theres a lot of conflict....painful feelings and thoughts and images in my head....but also, all mixed in there, are my normal old feelings of happiness, joy, love....peacefulness, I swear that last ones somewhere deep down.... but these feelings seem to have trouble co-existing who would have thought? I can't just feel them all at once! Thats what makes me nuts I think....and why I have to dissociate sometimes.

I'm sick of feeling this pressure to choose, mostly self induced, if not all of it...of course. I can't do it right now. I literally can't choose something, anything, for myself. I need to work on myself first.

I need to take a step back....again. Gah, I keep trying for something I can't have. I need to set my own terms....I need to know what I want to set them as................................................hadgdgkdgjhdfasgghfhhadj

Didn't she turn
Didn't she go
Didn't she rise above it all
Didn't she learn
Didn't she see
This was not meant to be
No, no, no......