I keep having these weird moments of nausea followed by painful coughing fits that make my throat hurt. Also dizzy and faint a lot of the time. Not sure whats going on there, I'd rather assume its just my psyche fucking with my body because of how out of whack it is.
I was talking with a friend yesterday about all the bad things that have happened with other people this year...he didn't understand why I wasn't more angry at them. It made me stop and wonder about it a little bit again. Why am I not angry at them? I think its more because I don't feel I should hold anyone else responsible for how I feel than it is that I don't blame them, or think what they did was wrong. I know what they did wasn't right, its why I feel so horrible! But I don't feel mad at them....no matter how deep I sift through my feelings.... I dunno when people tell me I should be angry, I can kinda feel like some weird semblance of anger mixed in with all my fear and sadness and pain...but its only when they tell me I should be - so is it real, or just an obligatory type of rage that I create upon being requested to?
I am the only one responsible for my feelings. I'm the one that creates them, after all. When another person acts a certain way towards me, they feel a certain way too - but they don't have the power to place that feeling on me unless I let it in, unless I choose to acknowledge the feelings they're having and create them for myself. Which....is what I do when I feel angry (at least in the scenario presented above).
Wow, what a basic tendency of mine! Its like...reverse projection? I'm sure there's a name for it. Ultra-sympathizing? Something like that. Fuck, babies do it all the time. When one baby starts crying in a room full of babies, the other babies often start to cry too. Its like some stupid infantile behavior I've carried on my whole life. That makes me feel pretty pathetic. I can't let the idea that this is just some stupid infantile behavior I've taken with me into maturity make me feel worthless though. I play into self-deprecating thoughts and language far too often. How the hell am I gonna heal if I just focus on my weak spots? So here's a note to self: there's never just one side of the story, facet on a diamond, or use (or lack of) of anything!
Anyway! What a discovery! Or rediscovery! But still, its wholly dangerous. It goes with a lot of feelings I see in others. Pretty much every feeling, to different degrees. The feelings I hold inside myself naturally, the positive ones and probably things like insecurity and fear, are amplified when I'm around others of that nature. Feelings like anger/rage/hate, which I don't naturally feel, are the ones with the weakest hold. The rest sort of fall in between there I guess. Hmm.
I like this idea but I also recognize that its just an idea. Who knows whats true, who cares, it doesn't matter ultimately anyway. Gahh. Dealing with feelings is weird and wasteful feeling! But what else can one do, being trapped in this body full of them, unable to turn them off?
We are all children.
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