I'm in and out of anxiousness and excited anticipation for tomorrows events. I'll be chopping off my beautiful locks....and making it "normal" I guess. Stylish, I guess. Something else...not me. Not what I am? Is my hair really a perfect representation of who I am, truly, just the way it is now? It feels like that. But...my hair is all natural, years of sun made high lights, free flowing, thick, full.... perhaps a little rough around the edges at times, but I think mostly it fits my face well. Its all disorganized and gets in the way sometimes...but I'm quite used to that, I dont mind at all. I keep telling myself these things and then wondering...why am I cutting it off again?
Because I'm trying to grow into something new. To be straight about it, I guess. Because of all those reasons I listed above - its become too comfortable for me this way - its shaped my identity around how I view my hair. Perhaps how I view myself physically too. It limits me by defining me as "that girl with that hair."
Its weird that I've got this strange attachment. Apparently most people don't - they go through numerous hairstyles throughout their lives without worrying about the change. So this is one of my "molehills." That doesn't knock its importance for me though.
Had some serious thoughts today about what happened to me in April. To be blunt, rape was involved. I hate using that word. When people use that word, its got such a heavy, violent connotation to it. What happened to me is considered rape by the actual definition but it wasn't a violent act, not really. It was just a bad situation brought about by too much alcohol. I don't know what else to call it. I did feel horrified, used, and abused about it afterward but I know not as much as people who encounter the more presumed sort of rape... I guess perhaps I could call it non-consensual sex. That sounds a little better. Yeah, I'll go with NCS.
Well, today I was thinking about it again as I so often do.... just how I felt about it, and how the lack of understanding and loss of a long time friend from it really hurt me too... and how I still felt like it was my fault that it happened. Now, I still think if I had been a stronger person it probably wouldn't have happened. I have this tendency to just give people whatever they want without thinking about the consequences it will have on me....and after a heavy bout of alcohol poisoning there was no way to avoid it taking over. My weakness was both physical and mental at that point, I was hardly aware.
However, my realization today was that my weakness doesn't make what happened my fault. It really was just the alcohol. I don't want to blame the guy either. I don't just have sex with random guys when I'm sober, even with my habit of relentless giving and self sacrifice. Neither myself or the guy involved would have gotten into that situation had we both been sober... Hmm...as I write this I'm starting to feel a little confused about how I actually feel about the guy involved. Should I hold him somewhat responsible? I can't decide if I should. Because if I do, it feels like I'd have to blame myself too... I tried to say no...I tried and failed because in my poisoned frail semi conscious moment I didn't want to hurt his feelings even as he got on top of me.....crushing me......
I have all this fear and pain and disgust inside me, remembering it.
I guess... its everyone's and no one's fault, ultimately. Thats the best I can make of it. I can't keep blaming myself, even though I know I need to be stronger and stand up for my own well being more. I swear I'm trying...
I guess I'll stop here. I've made myself feel awful. Time to step back and regain normalcy.
Actually, I'm not quite done yet. I realized another thing. Something that bothers me even more often than the NCS itself is what happened afterward. As I mentioned above, with the friend I lost, but also with the guy I was seeing at the time. He made me report it to the police. I would definitely not have done that if he didn't force me to do it. It was pointless. I didn't want to press charges, I was at least able to convince him of that....but he still wanted me to at least report it. Even the police felt like it was a waste of time. And its now on that guys record forever. I resent ___ for making me do that immensely. It shouldn't have been his decision. I guess again its just me not standing up for myself enough... what a terrible, terrible habit of mine.
I've been through some level of hell with my sexual activities. With my other friend who decided I was a complete liar, and with my brothers judging me when they don't even know the full story... calling me a harlot. I just wasn't strong enough to say no. This is where the number of NCS encounters for me becomes hazy...its probably a lot more than 1. But...I'm working on all this. I want to be normal sexually for once. I don't know if I ever have been.... I'm strong enough to say no at least now, especially with sex.
Sigh......ok now I'm done. This was a long one. Good venting though.
No comments:
Post a Comment