vexin'

I have definitely gone back to avoiding most people. I just don't want to be around too many folk. I feel a wall between them and myself that is off-putting at best, anxiety or pain-inducing at worst. I'm not saying its because I'm special or different or anything, I think its just my current state of being making me want to avoid normal social interaction. There's only maybe a third of a handful of people I feel ok being around. Eh, maybe even less than that. Hearing other people doing day to day activities puts me ill at ease. It makes me slow to act, as I just want to hide in my room until they go away....

I tried socializing more this weekend, with people beyond the ones im ok being around, and....it was.....tolerable, to an extent. Boring. Also, the weird nausea stuff seemed to come back after doing it too long. Hmm. Backs up my theory thats its psychological, at least in part. I also expect its because of my wacky diet (or lack thereof) to an extent.

Grad school session coming up. Behind on everything, except getting my practice stuff done, which miraculously got taken care of with hardly any effort on my part it seems. I'm actually kind of proud of how brave I was to get the volunteers I need for it. I actually stood up in front of my 300 person seminar and spoke about my need. Ended up making three of my sessions that way - and one of the contacts is also studying to be an MFT and has books I can borrow! I feel so lucky!

I'm definitely prone to that unrealistic tendency of optimistic people to see their lives as lucky or blessed. Even in the face of all the pain and misery I've been through this year, I must admit I still think I'm a pretty lucky person, all things considered. Things coulda been a lot worse for someone like me....I've had only a tiny taste of how things could have been, if I'd gotten involved with more manipulative, abusive, selfish people etc etc. Important to remember when down: you're still lucky!

Eh, I've lost interest in writing more, so I'll stop here. Blahhh---zayyyyy...

Face up to the fact that you are who you are and nothing can change that belief....just be....