i dont know

I don't know how much I know about nothing

I might know some things...

Random things...

Bits and pieces of a few different sorts of things... here and there...

Well here I am, a week away from starting graduate school, starting out in a way so typically grad student-ish. No money, no real source of income, car basically dead, no way to buy the books I need to do homework thats due the first day of class...all my relationships in a mess, my heart and my head all messed up....

I keep swinging back and forth between hopefulness and hopelessness, believing in and eager to have good times one second and wanting to hide under a rock the next. I feel like all I've been doing is either hurting people, not being good enough for them, not being useful, or just encumbering them in their own progress or just not being able to give them what they want....which even if it isn't good for me is what I tend to want to do....gahhh I have to stop doing that!

Its hard to stop doing the thing you feel so drawn to do. God, am I really going to try and be a therapist? I have all these doubts plaguing me about this. I know graduate school will be good for me regardless if I decide to go into therapy...I suppose I should just be satisfied with that, even if it does put me in even more debt to do it....it will change my life.

The problem is Im not satisfied right now. I want to make peace again, in all areas of my life, so badly. I can't stand all this discordance between myself and my loved ones, it feels horrible.....................and yet I can't fix it. I can't just make everyone happy.

I have to figure out how to make myself happy first I guess....we shall see what Lisa says...