There is a constant, thrumming anxiety centralized somewhere over my heart. Its been there for the past few days...maybe longer.
At any rate, been looking through old poetry. I believe that every person, for the majority of their lives, mostly deal with the same struggles over and over again. They create the same problems for themselves, they give in to the same bad habits or make the same mistakes over and over again. Even after we identify the problems we have its awfully hard to actually "fix them" - perhaps impossible in some ways. If how you truly are is at the root of the problem, how can you actually change it? Its who you truly are. So then its not fixing it that you must do, it is finding the best way to deal with it, or how to most adequately apply it to your life.
And remaining aware of the potential effects it has on your life. Being aware of yourself is so important, and for myself and probably most everyone exactly what we tend not to do. Its more comfortable to not be aware of yourself, truly aware, because to face who everyone really is is to face the death of who we've come to think we are.
Oh how easy it is to get lost in something else, anyone else! To avoid dealing with our own problems by using another person, animal, thing, whatever, as a bandaid, a crutch, whatever you want to call it. I question the very reason for any relationship because of this tendency. Is the only reason for being in a relationship, beyond of course the basic desire to carry on our genetic code, simply to have another place to create a fake identity? A shared, but nevertheless false identity? Well, its not always shared. Not ever exactly the same anyway just by the very nature of humanitys disconnection from...humanity. The creation of this fake identity plays a part in every aspect of our lives, not just relationships. But I think the relationships part is a huge part of it and since it effects more than one person often presents the most trouble/pain.
Why can't a person be happy on their own? Why do we all crave a relationship? I suspect fundamentally, beyond the identity stuff, its our animal brains urge to procreate supplying our human sentience with another area to make up a reason simply to cover up that its literally just a desire to procreate. Why do we feel incomplete unless we can share something with another? It reminds me of that saying, "He/shes my other half." That phrase has always bothered me because it implies we are all just half a person walking around waiting to find the other half of ourselves IN SOMEONE ELSE.
The things people do to maintain these distractions we call "relationships"...can be scary. Making things into games...trying to manipulate things, to control them and cling desperately to them...all to avoid looking at what we think are our faults, our problems...or simply the nothingness underneath it all.
I'm not saying I'm immune to these urges myself. I've become far too wrapped up in my relationships the last few years, now I look back fondly on a time I can hardly remember when I was obligated to no one but myself. But I bet if I did separate myself those urges would come back strongly anyway. Still, I think it most important to strive to be able to be completely content when alone, with no one but ourselves for company.
I have the tendency to create the same identity with my relationships over and over again. Ive started catching myself in some key habits too. Like feeling used...when its me who is giving nonstop! Its my choice! Yet I feel victimized for it. I feel as though I don't know how to be selfish, but really, I'm being incredibly selfish in my selflessness; just feeding some fundamental compulsion I have to lose myself in the world of someone else, giving myself up and dissolving into the other person. And that idea right there in that last sentence is also just another habit - another thought I have created about who I am or what I do. When really....theres nothing. [note to self: this section is incomplete. its not just a compulsion?]
And where do I go from there? Where does anyone go from there? Theres really only a couple places to go...beyond the grave or back to where you were! And if the second choice is taken, the key is to be able to remain aware of all this shit when you go back. It seems almost impossible to me to be capable of doing that. I'm so easily distracted....I guess I can't help it though, I'm only human and all right, thats what we do best.
Anyhoo, I can't think on this anymore. I have crap poop crap to do. Heres an old poem I think relates to everything in my life ever (written circa 2004)
I know so little
But --
I know
That you
Don’t know
Me
Yet still
I believe you
The distance
Between myself
Grows further
Would you mock me?
You ask for the servant
To vie with the served
You know so much
But what do you know
Of this?
A game played
In conceited languor
You play the master
And
I will play the fool
For I love him
Dearest of all
Wow this entry has become very long. Again just another awesome way to distract myself on some level. Even though the thing I'm distracting myself from here is just another distraction in itself. Awesome.
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