Through a lack of eating or drinking much of anything the last few days or week or whatever, plus all the emotional strain I've been under, I have managed to make myself physically sick as well. I feel so gross. I feel lesser than the slimy residue beneath rocks; at least it feeds other tiny brainless organisms. I'm apparently not worth anything of the sort, it'd be best if I was sterilized and sent away to a prison camp somewhere to make car doors or something.
Can you tell how low my level of self worth is? How dare I even give myself the privilege of accessing the internet to write in a blog about my own worthless, stupid, made up problems? I'm too inept to even use the internet. I'm not worth being in a relationship with. Not at all. I'm far too inferior, in pretty much every way. The only use I serve, perhaps, is to cart others of more significance around and get them shit they want. But only until they find someone better I would guess. Or perhaps less beaten down and broken. Or maybe more. I don't know.
I try to give, give, give, not really expecting much in return. Just seeing another person satisfied in some way is enough. Now maybe thats sick in some ways....... and I'm not at all saying I'm a good person for being altruistic. Its just another adaptation humans developed over time as a new strategy for survival. However, receiving insult in the place of thanks and in between everything else... I don't know how to handle that very well. I guess my default way of handling everything is just to be incredibly stupid about it all. Or at the very least to think that I'm being incredibly stupid about it all and then act accordingly or get so discouraged that I give up before even trying. Yup.
Evolutionarily speaking, it wouldn't make sense to continue giving to someone who doesn't give you what you want in return (with the assumption this is an isolated altruistic activity that will not be seen by anyone else who might be of benefit to you). But...thinking about it, I do get what I want back - as I said above - another person's satisfaction does it for me. Gives me that little chip of self-worth to add to my pile I guess. So, that is still being fulfilled......but at the same time, chip by chip, my self worth is being decimated.
So I have a few options. I can continue doing what I'm doing. Give and gain +1 self worth, and get back -10 self worth....I could try to give even more and hopefully increase the amount of self worth I gain from it...counter the negative get back....
Or I could just quit the game. I don't want to give up on anyone though! I still care! About them!
Well I seem to suck at everything so I'll probably do whats easiest and continue doing what I'm doing. Maybe slowly get myself out of it. Or die first. Who knows.
Whoo for melodramatic bullshit.
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