Incomplete

I've been re-realizing a lot of stuff lately. I've always gotta say "re" in front of all that stuff because I know its generally stuff I've thought about or recognized before...but with the way the world works, the way human brains work...it just gets shifted out of focus over and over again as daily life continues...

One thing I re-realized is, no matter how much I want to be with someone completely, passionately...to help them feel better or to motivate them or whatever you want to call it... I can't really do it.

Its not possible, at least not right now (I still like to leave space for the impossible, just in case). Why? Sort of because of what I talked about above...

Because I'm human.

Every person's life is, by design, going to be about itself.  Rule number one in our genetic code: protect your genes. Rule number two: pass them on. Everything else a person does in life is fundamentally run by those two rules, even if just in some long, indirect way.

I got it in my head ages and ages ago that I wanted to really be there for another person (s). I wanted to help. I wanted to instill the same vigor for life I have in others. How the hell can I even begin to do that when I don't know why I feel like that in the first place? I just am that way. How can I even be with another person when I can't fully just be, myself? I thought I had that last bit for a while...but I definitely don't any longer. Its hard to be alone now...which is something I never thought would be a problem for me.

 I can vaguely look back to my years in high school...shortly before 11th grade when I really was soooo happy, just being alone. Thats when I really started attracting other peoples attention...because I had something so many people want...a completeness, pure joy...spurred not by anyone elses presence, just something I had because I could have it, all by myself. It ended pretty quickly though. Why? Because I let it. I got involved with someone, who, to this day, means a lot to me, but who I had to plug myself and my pure joy into, and mix myself up with...diluting the pureness with whatever emotions he had in himself...he was shattered and depressed and full of self-loathing and doubt...

Still, I loved him. I could see the beauty in him, the seed of joy inside him that he couldn't nurture. Oh, I see that with so many people....I thought maybe I could nurture it for him, use my happiness to help it grow...

But thats not enough...not really. It creates something new, something neither completely one person or the other. Thats a relationship. The space between two people where their emotions, their personalities, meet and mix and, in a way, make up a new person, a new way of being, that only exists when those two people are together. Each individual feeds off that relationship, taking a bit of the mixture in and using it to supplement their own personal emotional bank. It feels good though, usually, for myself and the other. And...maybe it can help a depressed person to take in some of the happiness from another person, but its only ever gonna be a temporary fix because they aren't able to create that happiness for themselves when alone.

Sigh....yet my original desires for helping others be passionate about life for themselves has been lost. I guess that whole idea is just bunk anyway. If a person is to simply enjoy life for the sake of life, its only somethign they can develop. Trying to instill it in them myself just creates a relationship, a joint pool of emotion where they feel MY zest for life and, when I leave, are left with just a hollow reminder of how awesome it felt, and no tools to create it themselves.

I guess I realized this was how it was on some level, and thought, well, if I just limit who I share myself with, I can just be with them all the time and give give give and maybe eventually just by being around me they'll permanently hold onto happiness. I love giving, I really do, it feels so wonderful to light someone else up, it definitely lights me up a bit too to see it...but the way I am lit up is like a reflection of a reflection on some dim surface....

I've been alright with this modus operandi for a while now. Well, I've been doing it my whole life, but its only been recently that I've noticed my supplies have or are very close to running out. I've been depleted of joy and have only the love for others left...yeah...theres so many layers of happiness in me: joy, passion, love for others....but one by one theyre going to fade out if I keep giving giving giving as I so long to....

and what use would i be to anyone then?






I am mightily incomplete.