I was just laying in bed thinking man I havent posted a blog today. Why? Probably because I didnt feel like I needed to rant about anything in particular. I feel comfortably neutral, for the most part. Maybe a tad restless. Things are still up in the air in betweeny right now and it kinda sucks, but its how it has to be...so thats alright.
Time is just a whisperrr...in a waterfall...
So I was laying here thinking, well I have nothing really to say, but I feel like maybe I should say something. But then I was also thinking, if I don't have anything to say I shouldnt waste others time by writing something. But THEN I thought, when the hell did I start caring about wasting someone elses' time so much that it effects my ability to write in a personal blog even? That is awful silly. And it made me realize I did want to write something.
Something I've been doing a lot lately is inhibiting myself. Really? Anyone who has spent enough time with me would probably say I'm relatively uninhibited. But I can tell its not as much as it used to be. I've been incredibly self conscious and limited in how I act because of it. I dislike it immensely, its an awful feeling. Much better to be carefree. I know sometimes being uninhibited is rude or even bad to be. It irks some people.
I think most of the time it shouldn't matter. I don't want to be a jerk, but at the same time, if being myself is going to make some people think I'm a jerk, why should it matter? That is their problem, aye? If it hurts to inhibit myself should I do it for the momentary comfort of someone else? I'm sort of at a crossroads about this. Part of me thinks maybe I should, but maybe only sometimes, or with people I actually care about. Another part of me thinks I should try to live completely uninhibited all the time, regardless of how it impacts those around me. That seems so inconsiderate though. But I can't be over-considerate. I guess I need to work out my own happy medium on this.
I dont know how considerate of others I actually am anymore either. I think that I used to at least think that I was. But lately I think I've been so wrapped up in my swirling chaotic mess of emotions that I've cut a lot of my ties with others. I guess thats part of all my dissociative stuff. I've put so much distance between myself and myself, and myself and others....out of necessity. A coping mechanism of sorts. This is the weird blank part of me that feels like it should be labeled "sociopath." It comes out without my permission randomly whenever I interact with someone. Of course its not really a complete sociopath thing because I know better than to pick up a knife and slice someones neck or something when it happens. I'd never hurt anyone, although at times like this its best if I'm not operating heavy machinery. It feels like a total disconnect from humanity, and lasts for all of a few moments to hours sometimes.
Now that I think about it, I've had that in me for a long time. Even before this year's craziness happened...although perhaps its intensified now. I just check out sometimes. Its like I stop existing. My body is there but my mind is not. Its a weird feeling. Like theres a wire pulling my soul out the back of my skull. I can feel my soul cling desperately for a second onto the back of my eyeballs. If the dissociation doesn't last long sometimes thats as far as it goes, in fact most of the time thats as far as it goes. Hmm...yeah. Interesting. Kinda. Sorta. Eh.
Well its late again. Maybe more on this later, me?
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