I am super cold right now. And there's a warm, aching pressure over my right ear from when I was leaning my head into my hand. My necks also all twisted and shaking as I lean on my right elbow and type. My hands are a little numb. My face feels like it usually feels...gross. And my nose is cold too. I can easily ignore all those things but its always interesting to describe such moment to moment sort of stuff and then read about it later, imagining the physical scene again...
I haven't talked much about how much I hate my face in here. A lot of the time I am really aware of how ugly it feels to me...just this constant little thought worming itself into my present reality sporadically throughout the day. Its a stupid feeling, I know, and pointless. But its there. Its something I've readjusted my entire world around, in a way. Sometimes I feel fine, even great, about how I look, usually in relation to how I'm feeling. If I'm feeling like the world is beautiful, then I feel beautiful. But then I will feel my face, or see it reflected somewhere...and that feeling evaporates. Its weird, and it will forever best be summed up from that paragraph in The Little Locksmith:
"....I looked in the mirror, and was horror-struck because I did not recognize myself. In the place where I was standing, with that persistent romantic elation in me, as if I were a favored fortunate person to whom everything was possible, I saw a stranger, a little, pitiable, hideous figure, and a face that became, as I stared at it, painful and blushing with shame. It was only a disguise, but it was on me, for life. It was there, it was there, it was real. Every one of those encounters was like a blow on the head. They left me dazed and dumb and senseless every time, until slowly and stubbornly my robust persistent illusion of well-being and of personal beauty spread all through me again, and I forgot the irrelevant reality and was all unprepared and vulnerable again..."
And I think I really do know how I look...a lot of people find my face attractive, even beautiful. But I think its not a typical kind of beautiful, its limited and warped and eh maybe only from a certain angle and only at specific times during the day. Its just weird....... Heh. Ok. Uhh...so maybe I'll never be able to really know how I look. I mean... I know it doesn't make sense at all for me to hate on myself for my physical attributes. I know its completely pointless and silly etc etc but I STILL DO IT. Sometimes. Not all the time. But its always a risk when there's a mirror around. It feels like something that will never change but I'd like to be optimistic...and think it just hasn't changed yet. Maybe I should just live in a house void of any reflective surface and never take photos of myself...yes...too bad my house is full of mirrors everywhere that capture every ugly angle of my face ever. And even then if other people make comments, good or bad, about my appearance I'm likely to become salient of it all again anyway. Hahaha this is all so pathetic.
Tying to be vain. A little phototherapy?
Its sad that my self esteem, at this point, is more effected by the idea that my self esteem is effected by this crap. Why do I insist on being so stupid about this? Why do I give into these superficial feelings about how I look? Its just ingrained in me and no matter how smart I actually am I can't stop being stupid about this! Bleh.
So to be diagnostic yea I do have some level of BDD, I feel far uglier than I may actually be. And it does extend beyond my face, though my face is the trigger and the biggest part of me that I become fixated on for sure. For a long while and even now to a lesser extent it stopped me from dressing certain ways and socializing as much as I might have (although for both of these things my BDD was only a part of the reason).
So there are my current thoughts about my physical self I guess. I'm sure I could ramble on in length about all the ugly things about myself but I believe I've captured the essence enough already.
This is the most pitiful blog entry. I hate the fact that I feel that it is though, because it just continues to show that I'm comparing myself to something or someone or even just the idea that I should be better than all this. That I shouldnt feel the way I do. I have to remember that ultimately it just IS how I feel and theres nothing I can do about it and no reason to be ashamed about it either....
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