Oh goodness. Pretty much haven't worked on my papers at all since I last wrote in here and they are all due on monday. Dammit!
The last couple hours I've been doing pretty good though. I've finally got the Freud thing figured out. I know how I'm going to do it I mean. I had the idea of what I wanted on wednesday but saw no means to the end. But for about 2.5 hours I've been plowing through it with my classical music on, head bent and butt aching on my bed (to do this work I need to stay uncomfortable). Thats why I decided to take a much needed break.
I got to meet up with a very old friend of mine today. I'll call him J. I've known this guy since middle school. He used to live down the street from me. We hung out a lot throughout middle school and high school, even "dated" briefly. By "dated" I mean we held hands when we were together and when we weren't we wrote notes to one another, then slipped them into each others lockers at school. Later on we "broke up" but remained friends, and then I met my BFF gf JGB and somehow he got introduced and we started having really fun times together. That lasted for the rest of high school, but afterwards we all grew a bit distant. JGB and my friend moved away and I got really busy with school. .. so we've only hung out sporadically the last few years...every time we did though it was great times...I've never been able to be quite as outrageous as I am with those two with anyone else...well, not outrageous in quite the same way that is... its just special. We had the perfect Trifecta. Thats what I call us now, it just suits us so well.
Anyway, catching up with him tonight was horrible horrible timing but really great, and I'm glad it happened. He had spent his christmas day so far with a 24 pack of budweiser and his truck, driving into our old hometown (where I'm living) and stopping at each of his friends house to share a drink with them. I really admire this idea, what a fantastic holiday option! I find it greatly amusing. Of course when he got to me he was already kind of buzzed, so perhaps its not the best idea to be the one in charge of driving....but thats J for you. He's a real down home kinda guy... kinda white trashy I guess but thats just a stupid label anyway and doesn't nearly encompass who he truly is as a person. We shared a few beers and ended up walking around my neighborhood, just like we did when we were 13 or so (numerous jokes were made about how both of us still look like we're 13 too).
It was so nice to catch up with him...we've both changed a lot just in the past year or so, and we opened up to each other more than we ever had before. It was a true, happy, and easy bonding experience - the kind that I absolutely live for, on some level. He noticed just how much I've changed too...and it really made me think, I mean... in how he seemed to notice my change. It started with the hair cut - the obvious big physical difference - but then he started to see just how much I'd changed personality wise too. He told me it was like I was a new and a more fuller person now, more complete, more happy with myself or just with life in general. More confident I dunno, all that sort of stuff. I guess nobody has told me that in quite that way. He's known me for so long too - literally half of my life - that he'd be one to note the differences.
Its not that Im unaware of just how different I am now - of course I am! But to hear someone else say that it was that noticeable was a significant thing for me to hear. I really think its true too. I am a fuller person now. I guess I"m more....human. I kinda created some sort of mythical figure for myself to be...something completely unrealistic and just...not who I actually am. Sure, I've got lots of quirks and my sense of humors weird and i have an unusual taste in music or whatever but I think I let my quirkiness alienate me from everyone else too much. Its funny though even when I had hairy legs and armpits and I wore baggy, monocolor outfits all the time I had the idea that I was being true to myself that way. I guess that may have been true at the time...at least partially. But there were stirrings of other aspects of myself that I could feel but kept hidden. Now I think I can be truer to myself than ever before... not only because i've unlocked some of those hidden parts of myself but also simply because I know myself more than ever before. And it made me realize something else....kinda silly...
I really am glad I cut my hair. As I sort of hinted in a previous post, it does seem to have really given me a chance to become someone new. To clean things up a bit with myself a bit and to more fully incorporate the new aspects of myself I've unlocked or discovered. My ideas about why I should cut it were exactly that - to let go of past conceptions of myself and all that - but I think before I did it I really wasn't sure if that was going to work. But I think it has! I feel much less constrained to the past than before. My hair really was such a huge symbol of all of my old ideals, my perception of who I was. It no longer has that power over me. I can tell now that I'm not going to hang any permanent notions of who I am on my hair anymore. It already seems so silly and distant to me that I ever did that...even though I was still doing that about a week ago...
I feel as though I've had such a long childhood. It feels weird to consider that I may actually be an adult now, in some way. I still hold that no one ever really grows up completely, we all have a childish side, but now at least I can feel my adult side too. I guess I'm oversimplifying the whole thing when I say that kind of stuff though, I've always been in touch with my adult side in some areas...perhaps even before I was out of diapers. Maybe that's part of why I shied away from adulthood so much. People are such complicated things. Theres no way I can ever explain every little thing I've learned or area I've grown in...or even dare to do so for others.
Ok well I've rambled long enough now. I think I'm going to shower and then work a little more before bed. Maybe.
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