fhh

Haven't posted in a while. Just haven't been in the mood to I guess. Nothing really to report? Eh.

Things feel as though they're calming down, mostly. Kinda. Still a lot of upset all around me, but at least I'm shaping up a little bit inside myself. Better to deal with the external stuff that way.

November is going by really fast, I haven't received my books yet in the mail and soon I'll be swept off to Thanksgiving activities and who knows what else....who knows when I'll actually have time to read! Aghh I hate being so behind!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I don't want to go this whole semester having been unprepared for the actual class sessions. This is my last chance. Bleh. I should also really start thinking about those million page papers I'm going to have to write. One of them completely carries my grade for my Freud course. Jeepers!

I also really want to work out more. I'm tired of not fitting in my girly clothes exactly right. Heh.

Shalllowness.

And...I'm going to chop off my hair soon. Yipe....I find myself playing with it and stroking it more often now. It really is quite beautiful, I think. Unique, in a lot of ways. And I'm cutting it off? My whole life I've never done so really, not more than an inch or two for upkeep. But staying the same your whole life ultimately isn't possible, isn't always healthy. I think cutting off my hair, while not the only way I can change, is the strongest possible thing I can do that symbolizes change for me - precisely because I've avoided doing so my whole life, so vehemently. It still feels wrong, if only because of the promise I held onto so stubbornly since I was maybe 6 or 7 years old. I guess I take promises seriously. Not all the time though, no ones that consistent.

Its got so many years of my life attached to it, its been with me more than anyone or anything else has. Wow, saying that just made me realize how I've given my hair its own identity. Its MY identity, but its also my HAIRs identity. Eep. I'm not sure what to think about that... having personified something that grows out of my head. I guess I kinda do that with a lot of stuff though, but nothing as permanent as my hair. Weeird. So cutting it off is like killing a friend, or at least saying goodbye and letting him go his separate way (yea apparently my hair is male too, albeit an effeminate one).

Sigh. To be continued...???