Sigh, why am I investing so much time and energy into someone who has told me outright that he doesn't care about me at all? Obviously I'm just wanted around because he has no one else in the area. As soon as that changes (either the area he's in or finding a new person) I'm fairly certain I'll stop being asked for.
And yet I still spend all this money and time and loving energy that I could be spending on people that actually DO care about me on him. It seems so wrong to be doing this in so many ways. I KNOW how wrong it looks and even feels in so many ways.....I've known for ages now. Since the beginning.
And yet I still want to do it. I must be getting something out of it. Maybe this is my final outlet for my horrible compulsion to just give give give. Maybe I'll give so much I'll get it out of my system once and for all and then end everything.
As it is now, I still genuinely care for this person, even in the face of him not giving a shit about me genuinely. It hurts so much to think about that...but its what I'm left to face with. All the niceness I've experienced is probably just to placate me... to keep me around longer... until I'm no longer needed. Why the fuck am I allowing myself to be hurt like this? I just need to stop being so emotionally invested. See it for what it is on his end and make it more like that on mine. Well if I did that I'd have no need to hang out with him really. I have plenty of people that care for me, plenty of people that if I wanted would bend over backwards to be there for me, even for such little genuineness in return.
I don't know what to do. Why do people have to be so horribly manipulative? I just want to be honest and loving and receive it back in some fashion....for real. I guess thats too much to ask in this situation. And I've been aware that its too much to ask from the beginning....I guess its just so hard not to take it personally. But it really does feel like theres no reason for him to want to be with me....
It feels like our personalities don't mesh well, I think even if he wasn't so fucked up we don't have enough in common to make hanging out fun enough. I become like a stone figure around him, frozen and on the edge of my seat all the timing, waiting to see how he's feeling every moment to gauge how to interact with him.....because I don't know what to say or how to say anything to him to entertain or to comfort him. And yet I still try...and it feels like half of the time I fail miserably at it, which only reinforces my nervousness and inability to speak up or act out in the future......
I think all this tension and uncertainty and inability to express myself is part of why I've stuck this out so far though. I want to master it, I want to get over my anxiety with it and just be myself no matter what the reaction I get from him. I shouldn't be giving away my control like that...
Heh, and maybe when I finally do start expressing myself all the way he'll get sick of me and tell me to go away... and I could stop feeling so hurt and confused all the time....well...eventually...after I get over being so completely rejected as a person.
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