"Before life can be lived...the Holy Spirit needs to show up in your life. Because the Christian life is not the life that you and I live for God, its the life that God lives through us by the power of the Holy Spirit. It's Jesus taking up residence in our life."
-Mark Driscoll
Saturday, December 22, 2012
Thursday, December 20, 2012
lemon bars and haystacks
Its... so far beyond the word interesting to experience what I can only call a "Nudge." This Nudge seems to originate somewhere completely different than I've ever experienced before, but it's effect is to change my course, often in the most unexpected of ways. A lot of the time, I still miss it. Its so gentle and unassuming at times my own delusions of grandeur stop me from recognizing it.
And the strangest thing is, I really can't explain it. I asked a few church friends how they knew when the Spirit was trying to tell them something, and they said, "You just know, its really impossible to explain."
Well, now I understand it. It is indeed impossible to explain. I asked them further, how do you know that it is the Spirit guiding you and not just yourself? Their answer was repeated. And that is also so true.
I don't know how I'm starting to recognize it for what it is, my ego wants to take all of the credit. But I think really there is no way I am responsible for my recognition. Because I have no way to recognize it. I have no familiarity with where it comes from. None at all, even with all my fantasies about heaven and life outside of the one we live. Those are all human fantasies and therefore not even close to what it is really like, most likely, although that is also impossible to confirm. We as individuals, as human beings, have absolutely NO WAY to escape our own failings by ourselves. Just like a flat tire can't fix itself, or a bird with broken wings can't just wrap them up in plaster and gauze and wait a few months for them to heal up, sipping tea in a wing back leather chair with his little bird feet propped up on a velvet ottoman. It is beyond our very NATURE to help ourselves, but we think we can. We think we can even PERCEIVE how to help ourselves. Nope. Wrong. Only someone outside of our nature, someone beyond our nature, but who understands it fully, can help us.
It is all a gift, completely undeserved and unexpected and often misunderstood. How sad, but amazing, so so so amazing, that it is given at all. I feel so unworthy even talking about it, like it makes me special to have on a few occasions felt the Nudge... it does NOT make me special. No, no, no!! Not at all. All the glory of that goes to the One who gave it! And that gift is for everyone! I am no different, no better, or worse, than any other human. Well, maybe worse....no, no, not than any other human. Worse than the Lord, yes...absolutely. Worse than the lowliest of angels, oh you got that right.
As selfish as it is, I want more of this. Like a little bird with broken wings given the chance to heal in comfort and peace...and to experience pure agape love. Nothing could be more amazing, more fulfilling. Truly, truly. Oh, Lord you are so beautiful it is beyond my ability to describe!!
And the strangest thing is, I really can't explain it. I asked a few church friends how they knew when the Spirit was trying to tell them something, and they said, "You just know, its really impossible to explain."
Well, now I understand it. It is indeed impossible to explain. I asked them further, how do you know that it is the Spirit guiding you and not just yourself? Their answer was repeated. And that is also so true.
I don't know how I'm starting to recognize it for what it is, my ego wants to take all of the credit. But I think really there is no way I am responsible for my recognition. Because I have no way to recognize it. I have no familiarity with where it comes from. None at all, even with all my fantasies about heaven and life outside of the one we live. Those are all human fantasies and therefore not even close to what it is really like, most likely, although that is also impossible to confirm. We as individuals, as human beings, have absolutely NO WAY to escape our own failings by ourselves. Just like a flat tire can't fix itself, or a bird with broken wings can't just wrap them up in plaster and gauze and wait a few months for them to heal up, sipping tea in a wing back leather chair with his little bird feet propped up on a velvet ottoman. It is beyond our very NATURE to help ourselves, but we think we can. We think we can even PERCEIVE how to help ourselves. Nope. Wrong. Only someone outside of our nature, someone beyond our nature, but who understands it fully, can help us.
It is all a gift, completely undeserved and unexpected and often misunderstood. How sad, but amazing, so so so amazing, that it is given at all. I feel so unworthy even talking about it, like it makes me special to have on a few occasions felt the Nudge... it does NOT make me special. No, no, no!! Not at all. All the glory of that goes to the One who gave it! And that gift is for everyone! I am no different, no better, or worse, than any other human. Well, maybe worse....no, no, not than any other human. Worse than the Lord, yes...absolutely. Worse than the lowliest of angels, oh you got that right.
As selfish as it is, I want more of this. Like a little bird with broken wings given the chance to heal in comfort and peace...and to experience pure agape love. Nothing could be more amazing, more fulfilling. Truly, truly. Oh, Lord you are so beautiful it is beyond my ability to describe!!
Friday, December 7, 2012
Crushed by a cascade of cookies...
...Oh boy how I wish I were. Not to suffocate, or even to eat them. Just to be surrounded by that delicious and warm, crumbly, crispy sort of love that only a massive pile of homemade cookies would radiate.
As a side note, never ever eat canned asparagus. Yeack.
As a side note, never ever eat canned asparagus. Yeack.
Monday, December 3, 2012
Words and More than Words.
I wonder what the innermost thoughts, feelings, and impressions of a mote are.
Or even better, the mote sitting on top of another mote, floating past millions of other motes with motes on top of them. All of which are within the shadow cast from another mote.
Oh, I suppose I might have some familiarity with the thoughts of that mote. And to absolutely no ones' surprise, a mote is not all that interesting. Motes don't really think very clearly, being motes of course. It's hard not to get caught up in whatever distractions show up in the present moment (a mote-ment).
How strange and silly it must seem to the other motes what one mote can be so entirely caught up in thinking about.
It seems to me, a very motley sort of mote, that deep within every mote there is the knowledge of their smallness. It is a scary and unsettling realization for most motes. The reaction this triggers must be seen in their individual attempts to defy their position. Sadly, all attempts are but a fantasy, based off the very smallness each mote wishes to defy.
I must say this sort of thought pattern scares me quite a bit. How can one mote then say, "I know the truth about my mote-ness!" Our mote-ness inhibits us from knowing the truth.
How hard is it to break away from ones motely attitudes and admit to their stature? Very difficult, to do so truly and completely, probably impossible. Unless something outside the mote changes it's nature just a little bit. Aha! Self awareness! Aha! The ability to think at all!
Aha! And awe! The grace of the Spirit, planted within the heart of a silly, insignificant, speck of dust.
It is indescribable. And so far away from the normal mote-driven fantasies of significance, though to those still trapped in their own mote-sighted space, it appears to be yet another delusion.
I'm so tired of my Mote-centeredness. It is so small, so trivial; truly pointless. What good is it for a mote on a mote in a mote to think only of itself? No good at all, obviously! But that is most of us, every mote-ment of every day. Oh how I cherish the moments of escape from this. I cannot get enough, and its my mote fault.
But why the God of Christianity? Why not the other concepts claiming to be beyond our own mote-spiration? Am I over-emphasizing on the motes yet? Over-mote-isizing?
Simply enough, it is the best we as motes have. We get so caught up in our beliefs, our faiths, in our mote-science and our mote-philosophies, that we forget that they are all faiths. They are all based upon what we as little motes can perceive and put into words. Even this! Even this! Yes, yes, yes. But all of our mote science and mote history has yet to disprove this thing we call the Word. There is certainly a lot of insulting disbelief and libel thrown at it, most malignantly. This I suppose comes also from our need to deny our smallness, in part. But our own mote perceptions shout to us that it is true. The laws our mote science and logic are based on say, "We would not be here if not for the one who put us here! Don't you see?" We want so desperately to be bigger than we are that we try to prop ourselves up to the level of the Creator, saying, "It was our human ingenuity that discovered the laws and keeps the world in its place. Don't you see? See what I see. What we motes want to see."
Why do we crave to be so much bigger than we actually are? Why should this even matter? Perhaps that smallness within us also tells us that there is something out there so much greater than we alone could ever be. It craves to be with that greatness. We want to be with God! We, in our mote-centeredness, have separated ourselves in a very confounding way from the one thing we really want, Greatness.Our Lord is that Greatness. Clearly. So, so clearly.
I hate how my moteness wants to puff itself up even now through these words: "Oh look how smart you are, conveying these things so eloquently." But these words are even smaller than me! So much smaller. But trying to convey so much. Oh Lord. Seriously. Oh, Lord. Any clarity I get is from you. If these words hold any Truth, that truth is from YOU!
Christianity gives us a chance to go beyond our mote fantasies. Our mote science, our mote-centeredness. I've had the chance to be a Buddhist, a Muslim, a New Age hippie hipster type. And none of them do that! NONE of them. All of their teachings say to embrace mote-dom in one way or another, many of them quite rapturously. Of course, this is me, a, if not the, most mockable mote of motes, saying all of this.
Oh Lord, thank you for trying to explain yourSelf to us, such a small part of what you have Done!
Please keep me as awake as I, your humble (or trying to be) mote is meant to be. Not what I want to be, not what anyone else wants me to be. What You meant me to be.
That is the fight, the ultimately fight, of any mote's life. To escape the small-mindedness of our smallness and to realize we are not at all as significant or even as good as we would like to believe.
Because if we believe we are good, or worth anything, without the grace of God cast upon us, we have already lost.
Or even better, the mote sitting on top of another mote, floating past millions of other motes with motes on top of them. All of which are within the shadow cast from another mote.
Oh, I suppose I might have some familiarity with the thoughts of that mote. And to absolutely no ones' surprise, a mote is not all that interesting. Motes don't really think very clearly, being motes of course. It's hard not to get caught up in whatever distractions show up in the present moment (a mote-ment).
How strange and silly it must seem to the other motes what one mote can be so entirely caught up in thinking about.
It seems to me, a very motley sort of mote, that deep within every mote there is the knowledge of their smallness. It is a scary and unsettling realization for most motes. The reaction this triggers must be seen in their individual attempts to defy their position. Sadly, all attempts are but a fantasy, based off the very smallness each mote wishes to defy.
I must say this sort of thought pattern scares me quite a bit. How can one mote then say, "I know the truth about my mote-ness!" Our mote-ness inhibits us from knowing the truth.
How hard is it to break away from ones motely attitudes and admit to their stature? Very difficult, to do so truly and completely, probably impossible. Unless something outside the mote changes it's nature just a little bit. Aha! Self awareness! Aha! The ability to think at all!
Aha! And awe! The grace of the Spirit, planted within the heart of a silly, insignificant, speck of dust.
It is indescribable. And so far away from the normal mote-driven fantasies of significance, though to those still trapped in their own mote-sighted space, it appears to be yet another delusion.
I'm so tired of my Mote-centeredness. It is so small, so trivial; truly pointless. What good is it for a mote on a mote in a mote to think only of itself? No good at all, obviously! But that is most of us, every mote-ment of every day. Oh how I cherish the moments of escape from this. I cannot get enough, and its my mote fault.
But why the God of Christianity? Why not the other concepts claiming to be beyond our own mote-spiration? Am I over-emphasizing on the motes yet? Over-mote-isizing?
Simply enough, it is the best we as motes have. We get so caught up in our beliefs, our faiths, in our mote-science and our mote-philosophies, that we forget that they are all faiths. They are all based upon what we as little motes can perceive and put into words. Even this! Even this! Yes, yes, yes. But all of our mote science and mote history has yet to disprove this thing we call the Word. There is certainly a lot of insulting disbelief and libel thrown at it, most malignantly. This I suppose comes also from our need to deny our smallness, in part. But our own mote perceptions shout to us that it is true. The laws our mote science and logic are based on say, "We would not be here if not for the one who put us here! Don't you see?" We want so desperately to be bigger than we are that we try to prop ourselves up to the level of the Creator, saying, "It was our human ingenuity that discovered the laws and keeps the world in its place. Don't you see? See what I see. What we motes want to see."
Why do we crave to be so much bigger than we actually are? Why should this even matter? Perhaps that smallness within us also tells us that there is something out there so much greater than we alone could ever be. It craves to be with that greatness. We want to be with God! We, in our mote-centeredness, have separated ourselves in a very confounding way from the one thing we really want, Greatness.Our Lord is that Greatness. Clearly. So, so clearly.
I hate how my moteness wants to puff itself up even now through these words: "Oh look how smart you are, conveying these things so eloquently." But these words are even smaller than me! So much smaller. But trying to convey so much. Oh Lord. Seriously. Oh, Lord. Any clarity I get is from you. If these words hold any Truth, that truth is from YOU!
Christianity gives us a chance to go beyond our mote fantasies. Our mote science, our mote-centeredness. I've had the chance to be a Buddhist, a Muslim, a New Age hippie hipster type. And none of them do that! NONE of them. All of their teachings say to embrace mote-dom in one way or another, many of them quite rapturously. Of course, this is me, a, if not the, most mockable mote of motes, saying all of this.
Oh Lord, thank you for trying to explain yourSelf to us, such a small part of what you have Done!
Please keep me as awake as I, your humble (or trying to be) mote is meant to be. Not what I want to be, not what anyone else wants me to be. What You meant me to be.
That is the fight, the ultimately fight, of any mote's life. To escape the small-mindedness of our smallness and to realize we are not at all as significant or even as good as we would like to believe.
Because if we believe we are good, or worth anything, without the grace of God cast upon us, we have already lost.
Saturday, November 24, 2012
The longest week
Groders death was simply the appetizer. The main course came so fittingly on Thanksgiving day. It is so strange because I hardly knew the man, but his death has hit me very hard. It is a strange strange thing to be there for a grieving brother and sister and be the only one not fully grieving. And to be the only one really there for them. Well, of course The Lord is, but I know how difficult it is to feel that when so sad and in shock.
Rest in peace, Jack. I can truly see you were an amazing person. It's unfair that you went so young but you were someone who truly lived a life far fuller than most 36 year olds. I really wish I had been able to spend more time with you, to laugh and play and be silly in ways neither of your siblings tend towards. You were so briefly my brother in law, it breaks my heart to have yet another member of this ragged bit of family I've claimed to be torn away so tragically.
Peace and love, Lord, if it is your will.
I feel so numb..
Rest in peace, Jack. I can truly see you were an amazing person. It's unfair that you went so young but you were someone who truly lived a life far fuller than most 36 year olds. I really wish I had been able to spend more time with you, to laugh and play and be silly in ways neither of your siblings tend towards. You were so briefly my brother in law, it breaks my heart to have yet another member of this ragged bit of family I've claimed to be torn away so tragically.
Peace and love, Lord, if it is your will.
I feel so numb..
Monday, November 19, 2012
Sunday, November 18, 2012
Wendell Berry
What stood will stand, though all be fallen,
The good return that time has stolen.
Though creatures groan in misery,
Their flesh prefigures liberty
To end travail and bring to birth
Their new perfection in new earth.
At words of that enlivening
Let the trees of the woods all sing
And every field rejoice, let praise
Rise up out of the ground like grass.
What stood, whole in every piecemeal
Thing that stood, will stand though all
Fall -- field and woods and all in them
Rejoin the primal Sabbath's hymn.
The good return that time has stolen.
Though creatures groan in misery,
Their flesh prefigures liberty
To end travail and bring to birth
Their new perfection in new earth.
At words of that enlivening
Let the trees of the woods all sing
And every field rejoice, let praise
Rise up out of the ground like grass.
What stood, whole in every piecemeal
Thing that stood, will stand though all
Fall -- field and woods and all in them
Rejoin the primal Sabbath's hymn.
Thursday, November 8, 2012
a stumbling block to Jews and foolishness to Gentiles
I love how the Lord can guide me even when I'm completely incapable of understanding anything.
And its one of those things...that I know sounds crazy if you aren't "in on it" with God. Haha, if you don't have the Word...or Christ...it just sounds crazy. Deluded.
But it is the one thing that is undoubtedly beyond human comprehension. From just a human perspective, yes it still sounds like utter foolishness to point to something and say, "God did that." But with the Spirit inside me, it is different. The discernment within is no longer human, because God is so beyond that limitation. We are such imperfect little siphons of his Spirit that of course we only catch glimpses of His work in our lives! So yes perhaps some of it is still marred by my own interference. But the joy I feel from His presence is different. Nothing I say or do can describe it, just like nothing I say or do to an unbeliever can make it sound any more rational. It so not of this world, and if all you have and know is the world....of course...
It is SO different, so BEYOND the most beautiful sensations or thoughts of this world, of my entire life before this point. I realize now so much that the desire every human being so longs to fulfill is simply to find God and be reunited. That longing for connection, for real connection, with anyone else is impossible if you take God out of the equation. We are all the same. Just as we cannot fulfill that connection by ourselves, so we cannot fulfill it with each other. It takes what we lack, what we all lack, to fill that void. That unspeakable void that none of us ever wants to look at let alone admit to.
This is what I have been searching for all of my life. And it is worth every ounce of suffering I've experienced to find it. And it will always be worth so much more. More than anything.
These words and this soul are all so insignificant, but they are all for you.
And its one of those things...that I know sounds crazy if you aren't "in on it" with God. Haha, if you don't have the Word...or Christ...it just sounds crazy. Deluded.
But it is the one thing that is undoubtedly beyond human comprehension. From just a human perspective, yes it still sounds like utter foolishness to point to something and say, "God did that." But with the Spirit inside me, it is different. The discernment within is no longer human, because God is so beyond that limitation. We are such imperfect little siphons of his Spirit that of course we only catch glimpses of His work in our lives! So yes perhaps some of it is still marred by my own interference. But the joy I feel from His presence is different. Nothing I say or do can describe it, just like nothing I say or do to an unbeliever can make it sound any more rational. It so not of this world, and if all you have and know is the world....of course...
It is SO different, so BEYOND the most beautiful sensations or thoughts of this world, of my entire life before this point. I realize now so much that the desire every human being so longs to fulfill is simply to find God and be reunited. That longing for connection, for real connection, with anyone else is impossible if you take God out of the equation. We are all the same. Just as we cannot fulfill that connection by ourselves, so we cannot fulfill it with each other. It takes what we lack, what we all lack, to fill that void. That unspeakable void that none of us ever wants to look at let alone admit to.
This is what I have been searching for all of my life. And it is worth every ounce of suffering I've experienced to find it. And it will always be worth so much more. More than anything.
These words and this soul are all so insignificant, but they are all for you.
This is just to say
I dont have anything to say, really.
Part of me is so tired of analyzing myself, analyzing my life and the lives around me. Because ultimately I know its quite asinine. Why? Because even if I'm being 100% objective in my analysis (an impossible feat in itself) any tools I use to complete my analysis would be based off of someone else's un-objective theories. Its just switching one pre-supposition for another, no more significant or necessarily true idea about reality.
Where do you stand without any possible truth? Because we stupid puny humans have to stand somewhere, don't we, lest we go insane?
Some hold that we "choose" the meaning in our lives. This is, in a sense, very true. But it is also very horrible, because it still leaves us knowing that the meaning we choose is based on our own entirely subjective desires. How can one hold onto any meaningfulness from their chosen meaning upon recognizing that? It becomes solely driven by ones ego, I guess.
Maybe that's my problem. In rejecting the significance or worthiness of my ego I have rejected my ability to accept any meaning in my life based upon its desires.
Well, I still don't like Mr. Ego, its not for me. That is making some meaning I know... but really, it is inevitable not to. Which is why some choice is good, I guess? If you can use the inevitable choosing to choose something outside the realm of human choice? That would be the only solution. And we really can't do that, we can't choose outside the realm of human choice can we? Which is why we need something outside the realm of human choice to choose it for us.
I'm a very lazy philosopher. I think my brain is only firing on one side today. And maybe only half of that side. C'est la vie.
Part of me is so tired of analyzing myself, analyzing my life and the lives around me. Because ultimately I know its quite asinine. Why? Because even if I'm being 100% objective in my analysis (an impossible feat in itself) any tools I use to complete my analysis would be based off of someone else's un-objective theories. Its just switching one pre-supposition for another, no more significant or necessarily true idea about reality.
Where do you stand without any possible truth? Because we stupid puny humans have to stand somewhere, don't we, lest we go insane?
Some hold that we "choose" the meaning in our lives. This is, in a sense, very true. But it is also very horrible, because it still leaves us knowing that the meaning we choose is based on our own entirely subjective desires. How can one hold onto any meaningfulness from their chosen meaning upon recognizing that? It becomes solely driven by ones ego, I guess.
Maybe that's my problem. In rejecting the significance or worthiness of my ego I have rejected my ability to accept any meaning in my life based upon its desires.
Well, I still don't like Mr. Ego, its not for me. That is making some meaning I know... but really, it is inevitable not to. Which is why some choice is good, I guess? If you can use the inevitable choosing to choose something outside the realm of human choice? That would be the only solution. And we really can't do that, we can't choose outside the realm of human choice can we? Which is why we need something outside the realm of human choice to choose it for us.
I'm a very lazy philosopher. I think my brain is only firing on one side today. And maybe only half of that side. C'est la vie.
Thursday, November 1, 2012
hungry hungry hippos (warning: graphic imagery follows)
I am kind of hungry right now but part of me really doesn't want to eat anything.
I've been thinking about being pregnant a lot lately. I find I've become kind of paranoid/fixated on it for some reason whenever anxiety gets really bad. Strange how one finds new ways to defend oneself against psychological stress.
I had this dream that I gave birth to 3 baby girls. That right there was enough to make me gag (boys are so much better...what would I do with a daughter? ....I really don't know...). But to make it even weirder, when I looked at their pink, raw little faces, they had leech mouths and scrunched up eyes. They were really pretty gross, and they had sort of eaten their way out of me so I was pretty much a big bloody gaping mess down there. I didnt' feel any pain in the dream but it was very unsettling, to say the least.
Very strange, strange times. I should probably eat something.
The fight to survive continues. Nick's brother is in Lodi, dying, or maybe recuperating, from pneumonia and a grand mal seizure that lasted almost 40 minutes, leaving him everything but completely comatose. What a complicated mess that is. His sister is hovering over him 24/7 caring for him as only one obsessed with new age homeopathy can. The crazy thing is the hospice nurses say he IS showing signs of improvement. More shocks to the system.
0% complete on thesis, which I think is due in December, probably right around Christmas. Unless I take an extension which I might (meaning, I will, in all likelihood), screw graduating with my class. I find myself conforming less and less to the ways of the world. I'm just kind of...slipping into something else.
Hopefully something better. Hopefully not just exchanging one dysfunctional system for another.....
I've been thinking about being pregnant a lot lately. I find I've become kind of paranoid/fixated on it for some reason whenever anxiety gets really bad. Strange how one finds new ways to defend oneself against psychological stress.
I had this dream that I gave birth to 3 baby girls. That right there was enough to make me gag (boys are so much better...what would I do with a daughter? ....I really don't know...). But to make it even weirder, when I looked at their pink, raw little faces, they had leech mouths and scrunched up eyes. They were really pretty gross, and they had sort of eaten their way out of me so I was pretty much a big bloody gaping mess down there. I didnt' feel any pain in the dream but it was very unsettling, to say the least.
Very strange, strange times. I should probably eat something.
The fight to survive continues. Nick's brother is in Lodi, dying, or maybe recuperating, from pneumonia and a grand mal seizure that lasted almost 40 minutes, leaving him everything but completely comatose. What a complicated mess that is. His sister is hovering over him 24/7 caring for him as only one obsessed with new age homeopathy can. The crazy thing is the hospice nurses say he IS showing signs of improvement. More shocks to the system.
0% complete on thesis, which I think is due in December, probably right around Christmas. Unless I take an extension which I might (meaning, I will, in all likelihood), screw graduating with my class. I find myself conforming less and less to the ways of the world. I'm just kind of...slipping into something else.
Hopefully something better. Hopefully not just exchanging one dysfunctional system for another.....
Friday, September 28, 2012
Wednesday, September 19, 2012
Friday, September 14, 2012
PBCx3 = Peanut Butter Captain Crunch, and Coffee
Its a strange feeling the day after you do a 12 hour overnight shift. Everything is kind of hazy, sort of like a hangover. It is almost impossible to go back to sleep at 10am the following day when you get home, so you just try and pretend you partook in the hemisphere-wide tradition of sleep that breaks apart the days. Its a bit hard to be positive, I suppose. Its actually a bit hard to be anything in particular. Funny how easy our perception changes, even the smallest differences in our day to day activities, or a little twist of change spotted in here and there on the calender...can really effect everything.
Even more reason why it seems impossible to trust anything forged first within the minds of men. Although, technically I guess nothing would be...no, no I'm not actually sure on that. Well, it would be impossible to know for sure I suppose. Bleh, I've come to some slight realization that such debates are a waste of time.
Even more reason why it seems impossible to trust anything forged first within the minds of men. Although, technically I guess nothing would be...no, no I'm not actually sure on that. Well, it would be impossible to know for sure I suppose. Bleh, I've come to some slight realization that such debates are a waste of time.
Tuesday, September 11, 2012
chunks
Someday...someday Ill find some friend who will be able to sit down and really listen to me. And sympathize. And really understand what I'm saying.
Until then I guess Ill just have to shut up and try not to blow chunks whenever someone complains about the most trivial aspects of their lives to me.
Sigh.
Until then I guess Ill just have to shut up and try not to blow chunks whenever someone complains about the most trivial aspects of their lives to me.
Sigh.
Friday, September 7, 2012
Sub-Ordinate
Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!!!!
Waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaashuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuzzzzz
FRVVVVVVVRR!!!
Long time long time long time. But nothing is really going on, just working same ol same ol, up and down, lots of blood loss lately, lots of it. I have been very out of sorts. I hate being anemic and sick and in lousy shape, it feels bad. But I know I can get through it.
I dont know why I'm even up right now. My computer is in the living room now and it makes me uncomfortable typing in such a personal journal as this. We moved apartments in town. Will have a room mate next month as well to help cut costs. Got food stamps finally. Thats good. Root canals are expensive. I want a brontosaurus steak.
Dis-Organ-ate.
Waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaashuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuzzzzz
FRVVVVVVVRR!!!
Long time long time long time. But nothing is really going on, just working same ol same ol, up and down, lots of blood loss lately, lots of it. I have been very out of sorts. I hate being anemic and sick and in lousy shape, it feels bad. But I know I can get through it.
I dont know why I'm even up right now. My computer is in the living room now and it makes me uncomfortable typing in such a personal journal as this. We moved apartments in town. Will have a room mate next month as well to help cut costs. Got food stamps finally. Thats good. Root canals are expensive. I want a brontosaurus steak.
Dis-Organ-ate.
Thursday, August 16, 2012
you can take comfort in that lump in your throat
But how?
I can feel the energy inside myself creeping further inward, cutting away into my core, into beyond myself.
What is this intensity? This pulse that lifts me up and awakens me? It stops me from breathing, makes me translucent and real. I know its there, I can feel it. Like the velveteen rabbit, I come alive, only to find there is no more dreaming, no one to hold, and nothing to share...
But I know I'm not alone.
Tuesday, July 31, 2012
WAGGAWAGGAWAGGA
I should probably be writing some responses for an online class right now. Gosh, I've fallen so far behind on school work. After my school session next week I will have 3 papers to write in iono a couple weeks or something. And then...lo! Thesis ahoy! I'm pretty sure I should have started writing stuff for it AGES ago. or at least, thats what my advisor kept advising me to do. lets see how long I can postpone that!! Haha... as cool of a topic as I've chosen, I'm not really digging it as much as i should I feel in order to write it. But I think the problem is more because I feel completely finished with the teachings at this school. The whole program has...at least, for me, started to feel like a complete waste of time. Well, almost a complete waste.
But instead of focusing on counseling psychology/MFT theories... I'm hoping and praying that I get this teachers aide position I just applied for. I'm also emptying out bedpans and helping shriveled old ladies get into the shower... hmm... theres a flippant sort of comment or pun to be found in there somewhere, but alas, my head is full of chalk and stuffing at the moment.
I get so tired of having a mother who insists on telling me exactly everything I'm supposed to be going through as a young adult. Oh, thats how you feel, daughter? Well of course it is, at 26 we all go through a time of questioning our purpose in this life and blah blah blah psychoanalytic spiritual talk blah blah its just like what happened to me! So its whats going to happen to you! Look! It already is! See! I completely understand how you feel and I know everything you must be thinking! Isn't that great! And guess what!? To make things even better, I can tell you for certain that whenever I have a breakthrough in some way in my own life, youll have one too! You know why? Because we are so deeply connected!! Oh yes, more so than most moms and daughters, we are like twin souls sharing the same cosmic womb!! Thats how close we are! Did you know that!?!? Thats why whenever you feel a certain way I feel a certain way too! OMGZ!!!! YOU CAN NEVER ESCAPE ME!!!!
And the scary thing is, there is a huge part of me that believes every bit of that. And another part of me that says, why fight? Even the rebellious part of me scoffs at my attempts to escape her... because... well, she probably is right, to a degree. I know she is right about some of the psychological stages that we tend to go through. But please woman, do you see what you're doing to me? Its no wonder I'm so incapable of simply being a normal young adult. You've made that impossible. I've sunken into some half you half me kind of personality. I'm part 62 year old crazy hippie philosophical type and part 26 year old totally lost, recently traumatized, poor young woman who has not much chance of fighting against that 62 year old's voice shouting from within. It pisses me off to no end... but more than pissing me off... it just....puts me on edge. Makes me feel like I'm about to lose it. Thanks for suffocating me! Its what I've always wanted from my mom!
Friday, July 27, 2012
IIIiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii
How many aeons have passed by since June? Its hard to say....
The shards twirl together, melting into a new and beautiful sculpture. Twisted, to some, tormented, to many, but beautiful all the same. Where will life take it next? Into what beautiful visage will it seep? Will we seek it as before? Will we recognize the potency flowing through its deadened crevices? Life and love and light, oh so passe, passing, passive. Love.... leaking, twisting, shaping itself into...what?
All of it comes on in its own strength and in its own time, leaving nothing but what else is there...
Everything.....
Ah, ah, ah...
Sunday, July 22, 2012
i wish that I could tell you...all the things that you do...
I've finally perfected the act of crying silently, without twitching even a single muscle in my face. How artistic. I must find the beauty and the good, especially in my tears...
Happy birthday to me....
Thursday, July 12, 2012
time to reveEEleleleleleleleleleleleal
First day on the new job yesterday. My hours are incredibly light so far. Only uhh 7 hours this week total. I don't know if this job will ever have steady regular hours, but i certainly hope I get more than that soon. Four hours spent yesterday solely as a companion for a woman with dementia. It was an interesting experience. She had a persistant notion that there were various strangers sleeping in all the beds in the house. Very strange. Her entire world is a strange one now, so different from how she used to live as some sort of conservative upper middle class lady in a quaint suburb. Now her world is full of stories of strangers sleeping in bed, dogs that can speak, restaurants full of people eating shit, and looking through the same 10 pictures in an old album of her kids, who she thinks are someone else's. Makes me wonder what life will be like for me at that age, if I get dementia. Even if not directly related to therapy work, this job is going to give me some excellent experience in dealing with craziness, which could never be bad as a future therapist. If that ever happens. Sigh, we shall see. Finances are so unstable right now, who knows if or when Ill be able to get my internship hours done. It is a very disheartening thought. Truly, I never felt more right than I did as a therapist. Well, usually. I probably won't start up again until late spring of next year.
For the last few days I've really wanted to bake a cake completely from scratch. I've even got "cake" flour. Not sure if I actually need "cake" flour to make cake, probably not, but I assume it can't hurt. Does that make it not entirely from scratch? I dont even know. I think I'm going to try and make frosting as well, I've already got a giant tub of vegetable shortening to use haha, and then Ill make some of it pink using strawberries because I'm too cheap to buy food coloring. We'll see how that turns out, and how my decorating skillzzlzlzl turn out to be. I've watched my mom decorate enough cakes, I think i know how to make simple roses out of frosting, at least. Well, we shall see. I'm excited next week a friend I made in England is coming to visit. She isn't from England, rather she lives in Virginia, and is a little eccentric as I appear to be much of the time. I expect it to be a decent time, even though we are poor, and can't afford to do much. Kinda weary about it to though, as I really haven't been socializing with too many people for so long now... Eh, good that shes kinda the same way.
I'm just kinda rambling now. I read this interesting Pew study about our generation, the "millenials," as we have officially been dubbed, I suppose. To me, it indicates that the majority of us are incredibly naive, over-optimistic, and probably delusional or in denial about our own values and goals in life. Yes, they say their main goals in life are to get married and be a good parent, but really, who when taking a survey is going to honestly admit to wanting to make money, be famous, or party all the time? Perhaps those are their long term goals in which they, at present, have no idea of how or when they will take a stab at obtaining. Of course, I *might* be a little judgmental when I say things like that haha. I suspect that much of our generation is disappointed with their peers in the same way that I am, and that really, we are exactly like every other generation before us, minus the ever increasing changes in technology (which every generation has had as well anyway). All the other differences that make Millenials stand out from previous generations seem to be slowly appearing in the older generations as well, as social and ethical issues continue to evolve across the board in the same liberal, evolutionary, "tolerant" kind of way. At least in westernized countries, I'd assume. Whatever feels good, as long as it doesn't hurt anybody. Yeah, it sounds so great, but what a shallow, empty standard to live by. WHATEVER FEELS GOOD.... "feels" good? So then... how do you know if its actually good, or good for you? haha, eh, eh, eh. I can't even continue with these thoughts, they seem so arbitrary in the long run....
Sunday, July 8, 2012
Wednesday, July 4, 2012
Sunday, July 1, 2012
Luke 11:13
“If you then, being evil, know how to give good gifts to your children, how much more shall your heavenly Father give the Holy Spirit to those who ask Him?”
Thursday, June 28, 2012
yarm yarm yarm...MEGA CARROTSS
I've applied for a job that I might actually be getting. Of course I walked in and spoke with someone directly for the first time, and its the one I get in for an interview...no surprise there. Lots of paperwork and things required and I got em all in, went through probably 4 interviews with different managers in the company... I am still not sure if its a sure thing, I probably won't know until next week, but it seems like I might get it. I'd be a home care/companion for senior citizens. The job requires light housekeeping...and cooking. I think I can cook well enough, I just dont know if I can do it all on the fly with whatever ingredients the seniors might have available. Hopefully they will all want to eat hamburger helper! Haha, no I am so hard on myself. I am a much better cook than I give myself credit for. I know I am. I just wish I had the confidence.Well, we shall see what happens!!
I should really start working on my papers for school! And that thesis thing, of course. BLAH!
Good day today though, overall, I guess. Money is still ridiculous, but I am hopeful, and there have been a couple of blessings that look like theyll be keeping us afloat long enough to get to my student loan disbursement in august...
My leg hurts. Maybe I shouldn't sit so weird!
Wednesday, June 20, 2012
ZING goes the caffeine
Applying for jobs is truly awful. I've revamped my resume about 4054353458 times now, but apparently I've still been doing it wrong. I'm not used to having issue with this sort of thing. Not that I've had a lot of job experience, but the ones I have had didn't involve having a perfect resume. I usually just got to the interview and BAM I had the job... stupid resumes....and stuff. I got rejected by BRU because I failed the personality test. Pretty sure thats what happened anyway. And that makes me SUPER anxious and annoyed and just devastated because I worked there, and if I recall correctly I worked VERY WELL there. Oh well... just gotta take it as what it is...an employer's market.
Perzy wants me to lie on my application to get work... I have so many qualms about doing that. I don't think I should. It feels wrong. I've decided that I really want to live an honest life, and I know that is going to be hard in this world where dishonesty and manipulation seems to get you much farther.... but I don't care. Its not about what makes life easier, its about what is right to me, and what is right in being a servant of the Lord. And I don't even want to care how crazy that last bit sounds to the non believer (as I know that it does, as theres a little doubter inside me who keeps poking me for saying it).
Anyway, done with stupid oral exam, shew! the examiners made me cry for a few hours or days after, but I think thats just because I'm supremely fragile when it comes to academic performance. Definitely something I need to work on intensely. A couple more papers to write before the 1st, hopefulyl won't be too stressful....
And then my thesis. Which is UGH! Dont want to write! I've had to write hundreds of pages by now and another 60+ for one topic doesn't sound fun to write, even if it is an intriguing topic... I think I'm just tired. But then what else am I even good at? Apparently nothing, as no one wants to hire me. HAH! Yeah, who knows, this job stuff is dumb. ARRRGHH
I'm selling books on amazon now too. Woohoo first sale today! We shall see how it goes. not a huge moneymaker though either way, but every bit helps.
It looks like we are gonna stick it out in the apt we are in currently, we had thought we were going to be moving out, but I guess not for the time being. I'm really worried about money, of which we have very little, and by the time next month comes around, we will have even less than very little, more like next to nothing, or rather...pretty much nothing.
I'm determined though. I hope that my determination is enough.
Sunday, June 10, 2012
Wednesday, June 6, 2012
guess I'm in love with always feelin down.
Money issues like crazy. We have a deadline. If I can't find work in the next couple of weeks, no later than the end of June, we have to move back down. Probably to the SB area to live with his mom and sister and brother again, which would be a...crazy endeavor.
And oral exams are happening June 15th! And I have a paper due right at that time too!
I chickened out on getting antidepressants... Sigh....I still wonder though, should I? My insurance runs out in August though, doesn't seem smart to get hooked on something with that kinda deadline approaching.
I'm not gonna let this money stuff get me down. I'm determined. Just gotta keep my eyes and my heart and my mind focused on what really matters....loving God. :)
YEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEAHHHHHHHH
Tuesday, May 22, 2012
doomed to repeat the same patterns from generation to generation...
Sometimes I feel so alone...
Its either feel alone or hate how I look, I think. Or maybe both. Yeah, I think I'm at the point where it can be both.
Maybe I should just give in and start taking antidepressants or something. Obviously I'm too weak to handle this situation on my own...
Its either feel alone or hate how I look, I think. Or maybe both. Yeah, I think I'm at the point where it can be both.
Maybe I should just give in and start taking antidepressants or something. Obviously I'm too weak to handle this situation on my own...
Monday, May 21, 2012
W. Berry`
I have again come home
through miles of sky
from hours of abstract talk
in the way of modern times
when humans live in their minds
and the world, forgotten, dies
into explanations. Weary
with absence, I return to earth.
Bweeeeeeeeeeeee..............
Things getting even more financially unstable...........which is hard to believe as they already were pretty bad before..... just freaking bleeding money from all sides..........
need to get a job. need to study for finals. need to do 231247362787458975 papers and my thesis work. Need to do counseling work. Need to pay the bills. need to do this and this and this and this and this..............................buhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
Most of me wants to just implode but that won't get any of it done, now, will it?
Just gotta have faith and keep on trekkkin through :)
Things getting even more financially unstable...........which is hard to believe as they already were pretty bad before..... just freaking bleeding money from all sides..........
need to get a job. need to study for finals. need to do 231247362787458975 papers and my thesis work. Need to do counseling work. Need to pay the bills. need to do this and this and this and this and this..............................buhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
Most of me wants to just implode but that won't get any of it done, now, will it?
Just gotta have faith and keep on trekkkin through :)
Wednesday, May 9, 2012
Late night early mornin critique
I am slowly turning into an amorphous blob. It's absolutely disgusting. I'm not sure what I can do about it though it might just be inevitable. Sometimes I really wish I didnt completely and fundamentally disagree with getting cosmetic/plastic surgery.
Sunday, May 6, 2012
http://vimeo.com/14551672
Puuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuhhhhhhh!!!!!!!!
I keep thinking I need to be on Adderol or something. So tired of getting myself all worked up over all the little things that are stressing me out.
I started to study and then began thinking about money and how fast we are running out of it....so I got online and looked at jobs....and while I talked myself out of applying to 99% of em, I applied to one. I actually spent the time to apply to one of em, which required me to mess with my resume and figure out what to write in the email. I hope not including a cover letter was ok...it was from a craigslist ad so I figured it wasn't a big deal....hopefully!
But now I've got study sessions lined up tomorrow that Im not prepared for at all. And other things. Sigh.... well, I should probably just go to bed soon.
All sorts of weird dreams. I wish I could remember more of them at this point. One where there was a kind of ugly lookin baby with a dyed maroon mohawk, I started to make fun of it a little and then the babies dad noticed and got really indignant about it and I felt so embarassed.... i dunno there was something else about it that I can't recall anymore.... other things that happened.
All these stupid insecurities and crap going on all the time, I can't stand it. Coming down again this next weekend, wont have a lot of time for anything, mom imposing herself on my limited time, I just don't know if I can handle too much time with her right now. The plan is to spend as minimal amount of time with her for mothers day as I can and then take off. My bedroom has been taken over by Bib, I cleaned out all my stuff last time, leaving only the stuff I no longer cared for. My mom apparently sorted through it and cried over losing her daughter... yea, finally, she realizes, I'm an adult now. Good. its kind of crazy though, that era is officially over. When I return to my family home this weekend there will no longer be any place I can call my own. Part of me wants to question whether or not that is what I want....but I think that is the extent to which I want it. Yes... I'm working so hard to hear what I actually want, I, myself, actually want. BEcause for so long its always been about what everyone else wants, to some degree... or at least what I think they want. Well, no longer.
Even if I'm just a useless idiotic ugly weird waste of space.... well.....
No no no.... I am useful? I think? I don't know. It hurts to ask myself that question still. A bit. Sometimes more often than not.
Its nice to feel understood by someone though. I'm starting to believe Nick really does. I think. I hope. I worry a lot that even now, what I'm writing, is tailored to some degree by my own assumptions of what he thinks and wants and feels and says for/to me. I have very little assurance of what I myself think or want because I realize now that I decided long ago that what I should always want is whats best for others, those present with me or those that will at some point be present with me.
I want to write more, and draw more, even take up the harp again, take voice lessons....but to do those things I have to feel secure, and confident, at least to some degree. I constantly stop myself from trying to do anything ANYTHING ANYTHING AT ALL because I feel so insecure in it.
I can't even continue reading because of how much I feel I forgot what I read 2 seconds after reading it. And I don't know if I have an actual learning disorder if its all just self esteem related or what. Maybe I should get myself tested. Sigh.
Stupid stupid stupid. No no no! GHUHUHADJHJDFF
Its good I'm going through this now though. As long as nothing unexpected happens, I have plenty of time to develop myself. And hopefully my faith, even more. Yay!
I keep thinking I need to be on Adderol or something. So tired of getting myself all worked up over all the little things that are stressing me out.
I started to study and then began thinking about money and how fast we are running out of it....so I got online and looked at jobs....and while I talked myself out of applying to 99% of em, I applied to one. I actually spent the time to apply to one of em, which required me to mess with my resume and figure out what to write in the email. I hope not including a cover letter was ok...it was from a craigslist ad so I figured it wasn't a big deal....hopefully!
But now I've got study sessions lined up tomorrow that Im not prepared for at all. And other things. Sigh.... well, I should probably just go to bed soon.
All sorts of weird dreams. I wish I could remember more of them at this point. One where there was a kind of ugly lookin baby with a dyed maroon mohawk, I started to make fun of it a little and then the babies dad noticed and got really indignant about it and I felt so embarassed.... i dunno there was something else about it that I can't recall anymore.... other things that happened.
All these stupid insecurities and crap going on all the time, I can't stand it. Coming down again this next weekend, wont have a lot of time for anything, mom imposing herself on my limited time, I just don't know if I can handle too much time with her right now. The plan is to spend as minimal amount of time with her for mothers day as I can and then take off. My bedroom has been taken over by Bib, I cleaned out all my stuff last time, leaving only the stuff I no longer cared for. My mom apparently sorted through it and cried over losing her daughter... yea, finally, she realizes, I'm an adult now. Good. its kind of crazy though, that era is officially over. When I return to my family home this weekend there will no longer be any place I can call my own. Part of me wants to question whether or not that is what I want....but I think that is the extent to which I want it. Yes... I'm working so hard to hear what I actually want, I, myself, actually want. BEcause for so long its always been about what everyone else wants, to some degree... or at least what I think they want. Well, no longer.
Even if I'm just a useless idiotic ugly weird waste of space.... well.....
No no no.... I am useful? I think? I don't know. It hurts to ask myself that question still. A bit. Sometimes more often than not.
Its nice to feel understood by someone though. I'm starting to believe Nick really does. I think. I hope. I worry a lot that even now, what I'm writing, is tailored to some degree by my own assumptions of what he thinks and wants and feels and says for/to me. I have very little assurance of what I myself think or want because I realize now that I decided long ago that what I should always want is whats best for others, those present with me or those that will at some point be present with me.
I want to write more, and draw more, even take up the harp again, take voice lessons....but to do those things I have to feel secure, and confident, at least to some degree. I constantly stop myself from trying to do anything ANYTHING ANYTHING AT ALL because I feel so insecure in it.
I can't even continue reading because of how much I feel I forgot what I read 2 seconds after reading it. And I don't know if I have an actual learning disorder if its all just self esteem related or what. Maybe I should get myself tested. Sigh.
Stupid stupid stupid. No no no! GHUHUHADJHJDFF
Its good I'm going through this now though. As long as nothing unexpected happens, I have plenty of time to develop myself. And hopefully my faith, even more. Yay!
Thursday, April 26, 2012
to what I believe..
I can grab huge chunks of upper thigh fat now ... I feel so disgusting.
And my nose is so huge and gross on my ugly scarred face....its just so unfair. From some angles I look so nice, and then other angles I'm just hideous. Its so weird....just....strangely beautiful. Sigh. I guess thats good, it makes me unique, right? In a way....I guess. I have a unique face. Well, everyone does, to some small degree at least. PRetty sure I'm not being crazy here. Pretty sure thats reality. Pretty sure.
Things are starting to feel ominous. I am still mostly ok, I think, but I'm just...anxious that things are going to start falling down into blackness again soon. Nick is already there. I don't know what to expect. I don't know. I feel kind of isolated again. I don't know what that means...is the cycle progressing as I expected it to? Whats going to happen to me? And how can I help Nick if I fall again? How can I even help him now??!! Everything just seems so...hopeless....
Goodness, what a cruel world we live in. We can make attempts to predict our future, to help ourselves feel a little safe or assured, but realistically, there is no way to know. There is no way to KNOW! Where is the assurance in that?? There is none.
That is why we do need a Savior. We need something outside of this world that can actually help us see past our own misgivings, our own incapability.
Gosh, my legs look so ginormous right now. Disgusting. Haha, it never changes, it never goes away. I just have to keep going. Eat better, exercise (thank GOD i'm starting to do that again), sleep well, relax, take care of myself....
I still find myself questioning everything. What should my goals in life be right now? Should I just give up on this therapy stuff? I am starting to wonder.... it just seems too difficult right now. Its going to take at least another 3 years to even get my LICENSE...let alone to start making money off of it. And it will probably take more than 3 years. This is why most people wait until they are much older to go through this program.... it takes a stable life to get all the work done. I certainly don't have a very stable life right now. Yeeeesh. Well, we shall see what happens. Maybe I will have to stop after I graduate. I don't know.
It will certainly be interesting over the next year as I finish all my classes and have to write a thesis. without any classes to keep me in check... I wonder how I will get the thesis done.... haha... .
I'm just kind of rambling now. Should probably stop.
And my nose is so huge and gross on my ugly scarred face....its just so unfair. From some angles I look so nice, and then other angles I'm just hideous. Its so weird....just....strangely beautiful. Sigh. I guess thats good, it makes me unique, right? In a way....I guess. I have a unique face. Well, everyone does, to some small degree at least. PRetty sure I'm not being crazy here. Pretty sure thats reality. Pretty sure.
Things are starting to feel ominous. I am still mostly ok, I think, but I'm just...anxious that things are going to start falling down into blackness again soon. Nick is already there. I don't know what to expect. I don't know. I feel kind of isolated again. I don't know what that means...is the cycle progressing as I expected it to? Whats going to happen to me? And how can I help Nick if I fall again? How can I even help him now??!! Everything just seems so...hopeless....
Goodness, what a cruel world we live in. We can make attempts to predict our future, to help ourselves feel a little safe or assured, but realistically, there is no way to know. There is no way to KNOW! Where is the assurance in that?? There is none.
That is why we do need a Savior. We need something outside of this world that can actually help us see past our own misgivings, our own incapability.
Gosh, my legs look so ginormous right now. Disgusting. Haha, it never changes, it never goes away. I just have to keep going. Eat better, exercise (thank GOD i'm starting to do that again), sleep well, relax, take care of myself....
I still find myself questioning everything. What should my goals in life be right now? Should I just give up on this therapy stuff? I am starting to wonder.... it just seems too difficult right now. Its going to take at least another 3 years to even get my LICENSE...let alone to start making money off of it. And it will probably take more than 3 years. This is why most people wait until they are much older to go through this program.... it takes a stable life to get all the work done. I certainly don't have a very stable life right now. Yeeeesh. Well, we shall see what happens. Maybe I will have to stop after I graduate. I don't know.
It will certainly be interesting over the next year as I finish all my classes and have to write a thesis. without any classes to keep me in check... I wonder how I will get the thesis done.... haha... .
I'm just kind of rambling now. Should probably stop.
Monday, April 23, 2012
"Listening atheletically, with one's whole attention, one hears
the words, the sighs, the sniffling, the loud exhaltations, the
one-best-longer-than
~ Diane Ackerman, The Slender Thread
~ Diane Ackerman, The Slender Thread
Saturday, April 21, 2012
Probably my favorite scene from any Disney movie
I feel...a little more integrated. A little more whole. Maybe. I'm not sure. All I know for sure is that I am starting to feel a little rested, finally. And so with my fractional level of renewed vigor I will now jump up and try and be superwoman again, and probably fall back into depression/anxiety/chaos state within a couple of weeks. Yeah, yeah, I recognize the pattern. I do.
I have been some personal revelations of sorts with my faith too. That is certainly becoming more integrated, THANK GOD. That homeostatic anxiety I was feeling around the clashing of my old world views with my new ones was getting pretty old. Yes, that is perhaps the piece of myself that feels a little more whole. PRAISE BE! Seriously! It all makes sense though. I think I can understand just a little bit more about the extensive, yet eternally limited, perceptions that human beings always throw up against the eternally unlimited designs of our Creator. And the odd sort of duality of this world and the heavens and then maybe all of it together and not together at the same time kind of thing...stuff that my grad school talks about kind of while inserting the idea that God himself is a mere myth, a mere creation of humanity, just as is all of our other worldly *LIMITED* perceptions. Haha, its so sad, so so sad, all I can do is try and laugh about it.
What if, when I die, everyone dies? I was thinking about this... and, IF time only exists in this world, which is barred from the rest of existence by the mortality of the flesh/physical world, then once our spirit is detached from the physical, it is detached from time. So that would mean, out of time, we are all dead to the physical world at once! in the same moment (or lack of moment), we will all begin our existence, or knowing of, the other side. Whatever that may look like I cannot fathom. Even this hare-brained supposition aroudn the lacking of time begins to cause a rift in my brain's computational capacity. But it would make so much sense if that timelessness is true! If we are all already raptured at the moment of our death, our departure from the physical, all at once! Well, I dont know, maybe thats going too far. These are just thoughts. I cannot know anything for sure. But I think maybe I'm onto something here. Who knows. I feel so disqualified to philosophize this way, like, "Who are you, thinking you're so smart you can even BEGIN to understand whats actually happening in all existence!" Haha, well, yes, I suppose that is a healthy way to feel about it, because its true. Its true for all of us, trapped as we are in this physical, fleshly realm.
I think...the life we know it, its like living in a tiny room with a one way mirror in it. All of the rest of existence can look in and see what is happening here, but all we see is ourselves and our world reflected back.
OH SNAP
Wednesday, April 11, 2012
.....how many people would rather continue acting in ways they DONT want to act in order to avoid acting the way they DO want to....
I feel on the verge of tears again today. I'm so tired of this. So tired of being so depressed or anxious, or both at once. I'm not sure what can be done about it though....
I refuse to give up. I dont care if I stop eating or sleeping, if I'm afraid to cook smelly food or go to the bathroom, if I have trouble getting up and taking care of myself, if I cry all the time or feel like a worthless piece of shit. I'm never giving up. Never. I am not sure if I'll get anywhere this way but I don't care. What am I doing, pretending to be a therapist? What am I doing at all? I'm too weak....
Its just.... theres no denying it. I can't lean on anyone the way I want to. I want to with Nick but it hurts him too much when he is sick. And I can't stand it. I can't stand being a burden. So I can't be weak. But I am just getting weaker and weaker, it seems...big surprise, really, but what can I do? I think my craziness scares him. Maybe eventually he will get sick of me like I've always wondered. I hope not... but who knows. I'm obviously failing to live up to his image of me right now...
My new therapist wants me to start eating better or doing something nice for myself that will make it easier for me to care for myself. I just don't know if I can muster up the strength for any of it right now. I just want to crawl into a hole and hide.
I just don't know what to do. I dont know I dont know I dont know i dont know i dont know i dont know i dont know i dont know anything i dont know anything i dont know i domnt know i dont know i dont know i dont know id ontdfskldfsdfjsdfs.//./..I'm so tired othinking about everything, or imaginging that things can change. Im too weak. Maybe I shouldnt be trying to change myself, even for the better. Maybe its impossible. Im so weak... such a waekling. What do I have to offer, aynway? The more I get to know myself the less I seem to have. I dont know what to do. I dont know i dont know i dont know i dont know i dont know i dont know id ont know i dont know id oni dont know i donkt dfkjsl;fkasjflkdfjl
i feel so alone. Ive got Nick, but i can't burden him, I just cant, it wouldnt be right, itd just hurt him. It already does even though I dont want to. God I feel like such an idiot. I'm sorry.What can I do?? I can't do anything!!! I CANT DO ANYTHING. IM TRAPPED. I've set myself up for it, made it just right so that there would be no escaping my own destruction. Its what I've always wanted. Not just a challenge, the most impossible challenge ever. And well I've got it. And its designed to kill me. I guess really I've always wanted an indirect, selfless looking way of killing myself... that must be what it is. Well cool, then. Its settled. I'm not giving up. I'm just gonna keep going until I can't keep going at all. What else i there in life anyway? Parties, pleasure? no, no, no. Thats all useless and unfulfilling.
Is it weird that that sort of makes me feel better? Damn..
uhguhguhguhguh (popeyes laugh)
Theres a frog croaking loudly outside our front window. It likes to do that at night here. Kinda cool. I'm tired and weird feeling. Nothing new there I guess.
Been a little bit. Not sure if I am recovering from all the crap I've been discussing in here or not. Everything feels a little pear-shaped right now. I've been watching a ton of Ramsay's Kitchen Nightmares. Bloody hell. I need to get some bloody bollocks already and stop moping about all the time. A normal person wouldn't lay down on a couch and sigh for hours whenever some new psychological dilemma presented itself to them. Why should I be permitting myself such leisure? I need to get a job. It sucks. SSI benefits got cut back. Things are getting dire. I cut my hair again, looks nice. A little side bang action. I think it suits me, surprisingly. Crazy, I have a hairdresser now. Her name is Roz. Perfect name for a hairdresser.
I feel a little bonkers. But thats ok. I lost 6 lbs the last couple of weeks. I thought I was eating more too. Nick says I've been eating less. Huh. How did that one slip by? I'm still fat though, so nothing new there.....
Guess its good I'm seeing a therapist tomorrow.
Its so stupid. I can complain in here all I want, make myself seem like a complete crazy fool snobby twat but overall it still doesn't feel like a full reflection of myself or anything really. Its just the voice in my head telling me what to write out. Currently its the voice of Gordon Ramsay. Apparently the lines on his face were caused by his Rugby helmet. Huh. Never knew that. Weird. I'm squinting to write this. Too much anxiety. I can't enjoy myself at all the last few days. Its weird.
I refuse medication. Nope nope nope.
Sometimes I think about what I'm trying to do. At my age, at least in this day and age, it seems entirely inappropriate. To be getting a masters degree in counseling psychology. To be studying the human mind in depth, and then trying to help other people with their problems. At 25. I guess theres a part of me that thinks....but I haven't really lived yet! I don't want to do this. Pfft. But what is really living anyway? Certainly some people would consider what I'm doing to be very successful living. Today, one of my colleagues said that it was a no brainer for me to go for PhD, since I'm so young, why wouldn't I? Something to think about, maybe. I do have a knack for school. Thats probably all I have a knack for, outside of therapizing people. so maybe itd be cool. Who knows. Sigh.
Theres a part of me that just wants to move to another country and explore for a while. Or do an awesome laid back meaningless job somewhere, and spend my free time hanging out with friends or more likely wandering around aimlessly, in town or out in nature somewhere. But I don't think I'm gonig to. Probably not.
"I looked more widely around me. I studied the lives of the masses of humanity, and I saw that, not two or three, or ten, but hundreds, thousands, millions, had so understood the meaning of life that they were able both to live and to die. All these men were well acquainted with the meaning of life and death, quietly labored, endured privation and suffering, lived and died, and saw in all this, not a vain, but a good thing."
~ Leo Tolstoy
Too much squinting.
Been a little bit. Not sure if I am recovering from all the crap I've been discussing in here or not. Everything feels a little pear-shaped right now. I've been watching a ton of Ramsay's Kitchen Nightmares. Bloody hell. I need to get some bloody bollocks already and stop moping about all the time. A normal person wouldn't lay down on a couch and sigh for hours whenever some new psychological dilemma presented itself to them. Why should I be permitting myself such leisure? I need to get a job. It sucks. SSI benefits got cut back. Things are getting dire. I cut my hair again, looks nice. A little side bang action. I think it suits me, surprisingly. Crazy, I have a hairdresser now. Her name is Roz. Perfect name for a hairdresser.
I feel a little bonkers. But thats ok. I lost 6 lbs the last couple of weeks. I thought I was eating more too. Nick says I've been eating less. Huh. How did that one slip by? I'm still fat though, so nothing new there.....
Guess its good I'm seeing a therapist tomorrow.
Its so stupid. I can complain in here all I want, make myself seem like a complete crazy fool snobby twat but overall it still doesn't feel like a full reflection of myself or anything really. Its just the voice in my head telling me what to write out. Currently its the voice of Gordon Ramsay. Apparently the lines on his face were caused by his Rugby helmet. Huh. Never knew that. Weird. I'm squinting to write this. Too much anxiety. I can't enjoy myself at all the last few days. Its weird.
I refuse medication. Nope nope nope.
Sometimes I think about what I'm trying to do. At my age, at least in this day and age, it seems entirely inappropriate. To be getting a masters degree in counseling psychology. To be studying the human mind in depth, and then trying to help other people with their problems. At 25. I guess theres a part of me that thinks....but I haven't really lived yet! I don't want to do this. Pfft. But what is really living anyway? Certainly some people would consider what I'm doing to be very successful living. Today, one of my colleagues said that it was a no brainer for me to go for PhD, since I'm so young, why wouldn't I? Something to think about, maybe. I do have a knack for school. Thats probably all I have a knack for, outside of therapizing people. so maybe itd be cool. Who knows. Sigh.
Theres a part of me that just wants to move to another country and explore for a while. Or do an awesome laid back meaningless job somewhere, and spend my free time hanging out with friends or more likely wandering around aimlessly, in town or out in nature somewhere. But I don't think I'm gonig to. Probably not.
"I looked more widely around me. I studied the lives of the masses of humanity, and I saw that, not two or three, or ten, but hundreds, thousands, millions, had so understood the meaning of life that they were able both to live and to die. All these men were well acquainted with the meaning of life and death, quietly labored, endured privation and suffering, lived and died, and saw in all this, not a vain, but a good thing."
~ Leo Tolstoy
Too much squinting.
Thursday, March 29, 2012
we wus out of wineez
So I used vodka and juice instead. I forgot how hard liquor hits me. It looked like only a little pour from the bottle, but it wasn't little enough.
I was overreacting last couple entries. As usual. It was merely an expression of my feelings in the moment when I found out about his lie. And those feelings, while understandable, were not something to get crazy about, in the end. Not that I probably would have, at least not physically. Thats not my style.
Today has been a weird day. I felt better, mostly, than I can remember feeling in a long while. Since before last month and all the things going on in that month. Maybe things are finally starting to integrate properly. I don't know. Its a strange feeling, because I felt happy, giddy even, to some degree, but there was some tinge to it which I could not quite understand. Some tinge of anxiety or perhaps wariness. Depression, for sure. But over what I cannot say. Which is strange, because usually when I am sad I can tell why.
This is just a kind of underlying feeling though. Strange. Maybe my modus operandi is shifting as well. Something to keep an eye on, perhaps.
I am so tired of keeping an eye on everything though. So tired of it. I was reminded of something important today in a song I used to live my life by....
But this for some reason does not satisfy me anymore. I guess I truly am betwixt ways of being right now. And it is a very uncomfortable place to be. At least before I was comfortable NOT being at all. This is somewhere between being and not being...... and theres not even a word for what that place is!
poop. well, just gotta keep rollin and tumblin and whirlin and whorlin......
I was overreacting last couple entries. As usual. It was merely an expression of my feelings in the moment when I found out about his lie. And those feelings, while understandable, were not something to get crazy about, in the end. Not that I probably would have, at least not physically. Thats not my style.
Today has been a weird day. I felt better, mostly, than I can remember feeling in a long while. Since before last month and all the things going on in that month. Maybe things are finally starting to integrate properly. I don't know. Its a strange feeling, because I felt happy, giddy even, to some degree, but there was some tinge to it which I could not quite understand. Some tinge of anxiety or perhaps wariness. Depression, for sure. But over what I cannot say. Which is strange, because usually when I am sad I can tell why.
This is just a kind of underlying feeling though. Strange. Maybe my modus operandi is shifting as well. Something to keep an eye on, perhaps.
I am so tired of keeping an eye on everything though. So tired of it. I was reminded of something important today in a song I used to live my life by....
But this for some reason does not satisfy me anymore. I guess I truly am betwixt ways of being right now. And it is a very uncomfortable place to be. At least before I was comfortable NOT being at all. This is somewhere between being and not being...... and theres not even a word for what that place is!
poop. well, just gotta keep rollin and tumblin and whirlin and whorlin......
Wednesday, March 28, 2012
If the very foundations are built on lies, what stops even the truth from collapsing?
I feel so awful and alone right now. I don't know that I can trust anyone anymore. I don't even know who actually loves me for me and not for what I do for them. Has it all been a lie you were hoping you'd eventually be able to make true? Trying to love me like you've loved others? Trying to love me because I'm so good for you, so much healthier for you than the ones you truly care for. You've tried to take the safe route for once, someone so sweet and pure and able to endure your blackness and work you through it. But it's not enough to make you feel for her as you do for the ones that you long for, that even as they hurt you you cant help but wish to see again...to care for them, touch them, hold them...
I don't know what to do anymore. I've willingly put myself in this prison, this blackness, all out of simple, unabiding love and a desire for closeness. Foolish me, going to the very last place I was likely to find it.
So now here I am, feeling awful and alone and stuck. It's 3am though, maybe the darkness is too close and my thoughts are too influenced by my deepest fears.
Fears of aloneness, fears of being unlovable, being rejected, being repulsive, replaceable. The tears have been streaming down my face for hours, months, it seems... A constant ache deep within my heart screaming for the resolution I've wanted for so long, and yet, may never come. Where is my hope? Have I finally drained the source of my never ending spring of love?
I need truth, I need truth. I need truth. When is it my turn to feel cared for? When will my own presence stop being a burden or an error?
Just as I was beginning to look into his eyes and see truth there, to feel loved, wholly, as I have always wholly loved...it's ripped away from me. And who do I have to blame for this? Is it only my own fault for inventing the whole thing, for giving into my
fears and accepting them as true? Or are they real besides my fear? Even the morning holds little hope of a certain answer.
I'm the character in the story no one cheers for. Two star crossed lovers, split apart through circumstance, and then a third love interest arrives. The reliable, safe lover who offers one of the star crossed lovers the entire world. But this third person just doesn't satisfy the romantic leanings of the readers, there's nothing interesting about him, it's too safe, too boring, for the story to end that way. The forbidden love, the temptation, the longing of two young, foolish lovers to be together in spite of all the odds is what every reader anticipates. ThE only noble thing the safe choice can do is to acknowledge the futility of his chase and step aside, gaining the crowds approval by sacrificing his own love for the sake of the true, untamable passion between two people so torn apart when without the other.
Of course that's just a story. But it's all I have. And we all know how powerful stories, art, and music can be. Often, they hold more truth than fact.
I wonder if this is why I am always so tired.
I don't know what to do anymore. I've willingly put myself in this prison, this blackness, all out of simple, unabiding love and a desire for closeness. Foolish me, going to the very last place I was likely to find it.
So now here I am, feeling awful and alone and stuck. It's 3am though, maybe the darkness is too close and my thoughts are too influenced by my deepest fears.
Fears of aloneness, fears of being unlovable, being rejected, being repulsive, replaceable. The tears have been streaming down my face for hours, months, it seems... A constant ache deep within my heart screaming for the resolution I've wanted for so long, and yet, may never come. Where is my hope? Have I finally drained the source of my never ending spring of love?
I need truth, I need truth. I need truth. When is it my turn to feel cared for? When will my own presence stop being a burden or an error?
Just as I was beginning to look into his eyes and see truth there, to feel loved, wholly, as I have always wholly loved...it's ripped away from me. And who do I have to blame for this? Is it only my own fault for inventing the whole thing, for giving into my
fears and accepting them as true? Or are they real besides my fear? Even the morning holds little hope of a certain answer.
I'm the character in the story no one cheers for. Two star crossed lovers, split apart through circumstance, and then a third love interest arrives. The reliable, safe lover who offers one of the star crossed lovers the entire world. But this third person just doesn't satisfy the romantic leanings of the readers, there's nothing interesting about him, it's too safe, too boring, for the story to end that way. The forbidden love, the temptation, the longing of two young, foolish lovers to be together in spite of all the odds is what every reader anticipates. ThE only noble thing the safe choice can do is to acknowledge the futility of his chase and step aside, gaining the crowds approval by sacrificing his own love for the sake of the true, untamable passion between two people so torn apart when without the other.
Of course that's just a story. But it's all I have. And we all know how powerful stories, art, and music can be. Often, they hold more truth than fact.
I wonder if this is why I am always so tired.
Tuesday, March 27, 2012
Monday, March 26, 2012
time to tell the press...
I don't think I've ever seen myself look so much like a snob than in this photo. I was trying to see how disgusting my face looks from this angle, but this one at least maybe made me feel a little bit better about how I look. At least with my mouth closed and my skin not stretched out in a smile I look somewhat ok. I don't know how I'm still so disgusted with myself after all the photos taken in February. Well, yes, I do know. Because while some of them I look passable, even beautiful, perhaps, in them, I would say most of them I look just as wretched as I've always imagined. I CANNOT STAND THAT I AM UP AT THIS HOUR DWELLING ON THIS. but I know exactly why. These stupid moments of self-repulsion always spring up when some new external source of anxiety has. I don't think i want to get into it fully now, but suffice it to say, the human part of me really questions how much Nick respects me. Since I'm who knows anywhere between 70- 99% human at this point, thats a lot. How can he respect me if he lies to me? Why does he think he even NEEDS to lie to me? have I not proven that forgiveness comes almost thoughtlessly to me? How come I stumble across this now? Why? Why did he have to sign into his gmail account, directing me to his blogger profile page when I come to log in here?
I respect him. I open up to him. The only thing I haven't discussed a lot with him is this journal. And even that, I told him about it right around the time I started it. I don't know if he remembers though. He was still fairly drugged up by the doctors at that point. Still, all of my entries are public. My browser history is right there for him to look through, I don't care. Well, I have kind of been private about it at times. But everything I write in here, he already knows anyway!! I literally pour my heart out to this man.... especially recently when I thought it was safe to open up to him moreso than anyone else I ever had before.... such a break in trust. But I don't want it to get to me. I know I can understand why he lied. And my love for him will always override this sort of anger, this sort of distrust. Until I find out he is actually cheating on me now, these sorts of lies.... i guess I can manage. I don't know if I should bring them up or not. Well, I know I Should really.
I would think by now Nick would know we are equals. I don't judge him as weakened by his condition, rather I see him as the strong man he is, living in such a broken world with a broken body to boot. And much the same can be said about myself, in a different way. I've got my shit together way more than anyone else in his life, as far as I can tell (which, of course knowing my own fallibility, doesn't mean much really - but as this is my journal for ranting, I feel justified in venting these rather irrational thoughts).
So how DARE he think I can't handle knowing something like this, how dare he give into whatever guilt or fear he might be experiencing and not confess the truth of the situation to me? This issue has to be addressed, even as I've already forgiven him for it, because I know it will continue to show up in little ways if he can't work through whatever it is keeping him there. It frustrates me how many people would rather continue acting in ways they DONT want to act in order to avoid acting the way they DO want to. Myself included. Ah, c'est la vie. That is why even though I have already forgiven him, and my first reaction is to simply repress my feelings of hurt and anger and unwantedness to spare him the pain of discussing it, I know we must bring it out.
Sigh. I'm trying to use this journal more to vent about my life because my new therapist has encouraged me to do so. So here it is, world. Freaking here it is. Again.
Saturday, March 24, 2012
i'm tryin to get somewhere...
Its been an interesting week. I feel as though I've kind of started coming out of another dark, spirit crushing period. Homeostatic anxiety is NOT a fun thing to hold all on your own.
One thing I absolutely love about Nick is that he can't hide when he's in pain, emotionally or physically. Its very refreshing. He doesn't hide it or try and distract himself from it by doing other things, or focusing on other people, like I tend to. He just...is stuck with it, wounded out in the open for everyone to see. Well, he can put on a face of some amount of strength for other people, but he never does with me. Its like he so desperately needs to be able to relinquish that pain holding him down it just knocks him onto the ground as soon as we are together alone. And then how much easier it has become to pick him up again when this happens.... as long as I myself am nourished enough to handle it, of course.
And thats been the problem for a little over a month now. There has been no time for me at all, and I'm realizing now (or at least more fully realizing) that most of the blame for that lies with myself. I can't keep throwing myself onto the mercy of other people... as I so often do. Even the few friends I've kind of established up here, I notice right away that I kind of set myself up to be "used" as nothing more than someone they can vent at. I know its not fully my fault...part of it is probably just that there are not so many peopele out there today that can truly listen and invigorate the way I can, at least in my age group...
But for the last month... I have literally felt as though my entire being, physically and energetically, was experiencing constant tremors... the anxiety, a feeling like I'm about to fall violently on the ground and shatter into pieces... Or like a volcanic flow running beneath hardened black lava rock, slowly building in pressure until it starts to crack through the surface and with a burning glow erupt out and eradicate whatever tiny specks of life had begin to grow again. Of course, that sort of eruption is not just a destructive thing...its incredibly life-giving too. Because that lava represents parts of myself I have been trying to feel and connect with for a long while now.
Its getting better now. I started seeing a new therapist. Lisa was unfortunately just too close to my mom to continue working with at this juncture, plus I'm glad to get a chance to observe another MFT at work. She is quite different than Lisa was, and I love it.
Right now the lava has yet to completely break through the crusty outer layer. Its kind of seething just beneath the surface, causing the glowing cracks to undulate slowly as the pressure builds up gently.
I'm going to try and encourage myself to show. Its very scary to me. I've started opening up to Nick in a way I never have before, opening up in a way I never could before to anyone! Mainly because I wasn't ready, and I have been so convinced that a) no one wants to hear about me, and b) they wouldn't understand even if I did. But he did! Thank God. I am starting to believe that someone actually loves me. It is sad that it has taken this long for me to be able to feel that. I have been able to think that peopel love me for a long time. But I don't think it ever really hit me at my core...someone actually loves me. And wants to take care of ME.
ME? ME of all people??! Why would anyone want to do that? How could they? I'm less than scum. I'm not a real person. These are my feelings when I try and comprehend that. But slowly, those feelings are being melted away, just like the blackened rock on top will melt back into the warm, loving flow beneath.
I can't keep ignoring myself though, this much is clear. Part of me remains incredibly frightened to attempt this change. My whole life has been focused on people or things outside of myself...well, mostly. I have always had a desire to grow...but not really by focusing on myself. Not really. Its too easy to get distracted by the world around me, be it people, rats, or even just a beautiful grassy hillside dotted with wildflowers.....
I am just rambling now. But thats ok. I shouldn't be so worried about limiting myself. I know that much of what I struggle with is stuff many women struggle with. No, many PEOPLE in general struggle with. I have a lot of resistance to making anything about my gender still. Although honestly I think the feminist movement takes it a little bit too far. Yes, men and women are incredibly different in so many ways, and sure those ways should be honored and understood.... but its gotten to the point where it seems as though men are belittled by the all-beautiful, powerful woman. Again, yes, women are beautiful and powerful in a very special, unique way....but so are men, right? Its like Yin and Yang....you need a balance. I suppose the world is just super out of balance right now with the shift from the bad old sort of patriarchy towards true equality. That true equality will not be reached until we swing back from this militant feminist woman worship we are in right now. Just the way of the world I guess.
I certainly hope and pray we get there. Maybe we won't, until God comes and changes everything.
I have been questioning everything I believe so much. I have decided that I would prefer to belief in creationism. Having taken a ton of classes with all the evolutionary theory indoctrination, I came away for a while totally believing we had proven evolution. But I'm realizing that it is still only a theory, backed mostly with "evidence" that doesn't actually point towards anything more than micro-evolution, caused by the mixing of our genes from one generation to the next. While I'm not able to prove that creation scientists claims against the macro-evolutionary evidence is completely true either, the sheer fact that they can provide evidence just as scientific in nature as the evidence given FOR macro-evolution leaves the whole thing at another standstill. Its just another chicken or the egg dilemma, as far as I can see. And ultimately, it just comes down to what any individual chooses to believe in personally. You can choose to believe what much of society believes today, or you can choose to believe what creationists say, in spite of most of society considering what they say to be total malarkey.
It makes me a little frustrated to feel ostracized by people claiming to be open minded, who claim they base their beliefs off of proven scientific evidence without actually examining said evidence themselves, and without even HEARING about evidence to the contrary.
But as I said, none of that really matters. What it all comes down to is that, as humans, we are limited by our very beings to our human logic, human sense, and human belief. Until we can perceive outside of these limitations I sincerely doubt we will ever be able to move out of our need for FAITH in some form. Ah yes we are in the "secular" age now, we don't "need" a religion. Sure, but we will always need a "God" in some form....some sort of structure in which we organize our thoughts, feelings, social systems and behaviors. Be it through science and the humanist manifesto or the bible, we are always pinned to some form of faith, or belief. ALWAYS. Theres no way around it. Even living your life saying, "everything is subjective" is a form of belief, and a way you attempt to shape your life. Theres no way around it. Gosh, when I first started thinking about NOT believing in evolution, it was earth shattering to me. Probably a large part of what started my tremors, honestly. Because that was how my entire world was framed... haha, but the fact that even those beliefs can be changed just proves how limited our ability to ever know the "truth" is!
So I have decided I want to believe in our Lord Jesus Christ, and God the Almighty Father, and the messages He sent to us that were recorded in the bible. Sounds crazy to someone whose faith lies in athiesm, I know. But doesn't your quest for freedom for all include those who want to believe something so anti your own beliefs? of course it does. It sucks because even though Christians preach to live as Jesus did, the only fully righteous man to ever walk the earth, they are too flawed by their humanity to ever live exactly this way themselves. I certainly fall prey to it myself at times. This leads to a lot of feelings of hipocrisy towards Christians as we see them preaching one thing and practicing another. We are all so limited by our humanity. It sucks.
Ok, well, I feel as though I have typed enough for today. I certainly have rambled quite a bit. These are all things I've had on my mind though so it is nice to have them recorded out. I'm cold and my hands are feeling funny. Maybe I'll try my hand at more drawing today.
Tuesday, March 20, 2012
Selfless.
Self less.
Self..........less.
Self...................less.
Self....................................less.
(my) self ............................Is.............less....
(my) self ........................................is............less...........
My self is.......less.....................than..........................................
My self is less than anyone else.
.
.
.
.
.
.
My self is lesser than anyone else's self.
Ah! So that's how that works.
Self..........less.
Self...................less.
Self....................................less.
(my) self ............................Is.............less....
(my) self ........................................is............less...........
My self is.......less.....................than..........................................
My self is less than anyone else.
.
.
.
.
.
.
My self is lesser than anyone else's self.
Ah! So that's how that works.
Friday, March 16, 2012
Tuesday, March 6, 2012
And here we go again...
Everything suddenly flashes full of meaning. The light streaks like a deadly bullet across my forehead, around the room and back into my brain. This is me! This is it, I'm here, my destination. I gave it away didn't I? I have wanted this for so long. I have been a traveler, haunted and alone, restless....seeking....another traveler. But that was wrong to do, in the way that I did it. To some degree, anyway. Bah! It was just another part of being human, which surely, is separate from that part of me I was seeking. Indeed it was. I feel it in me welling up inside me, from deep down in my gut. It is hard to focus on it through the pain, especially the physical, the objective, and the realness around constantly clouding my vision inward.
My destination is not the end of the journey. The journey continues, like on a platform between stations. But its been a long time coming to this particular platform. I feel the readiness bubbling up from within now...I shiver from cold and agitation, and I like that. This is me. This frog in my throat, holding back the mucus from the world and keeping my falseness silent. I cannot think, because if I start down that path, it is wrong, it is so wrong, I will lose sight of when to step onto the train!! I can't keep doing that! Oh how many times... but maybe that was how many times I needed to fall back before I could actually do it right!
Lets hope.
Lets eat!
Yes, I'm starving. And so lonesome, you have no idea how cold I have been. How dejected and enshadowed I've become....lying in a corner alone, wispy cobwebs of your love falling and fading on the floor around me.
The tears come out, big and beautiful like juicy pieces of fruit. Lets make a salad! I have been longing for your love. I have been longing to be held and known. Please come and be with me, be with me who is me and who is beyond your thought, your voice, and your world. I am here, always, stirring in the corner, with a little grin brimming with gentle strength, and an ageless wisdom. I love you. I love you I love you I love you more than you have ever known. You, so alone yourself, without me there, with your hands tied and your heart emptied out to the drunkards and the gluttons of your life. Why must we keep being so separate? Do you feel that chasm between us? It runs so deep, and for every millimeter down it is like a hurricane of pain and coldness.
Your tears are beautiful. Your cries are out of beauty. A beautiful place, a loving place, meant to be so warm and gentle and beautiful....and this pain and this sadness is not yours alone. No, no, no. It never has been. We must be strong because this pain and this sadness is that of the worlds too. And you have always known that. And you have used that as a reason to distance yourself, an excuse. But it just expands that feeling of destitution, you know this. You know all of this because this is YOU.
You can't keep doing this to yourself!! It has to change, it has to. This can't go on. Trembling as the keys pass by your fingertips, the blue glow of the keyboard so irrelevant..........those thoughts creeping up on you to distract you! This is a desperate situation, do you see that?? Please remember! This is for God! It is! It is! How can you love God if you cannot love the person He made you to be? How can you even know him if you can't know where he resides within you? You know it. You know it. Please remember. Its SO important.
This is real, this is real, this is what life is. This IS WHAT LIFE IS. Do you not see that? So few get as close to reality as you have. You have no idea what you have? This is GOD.
Ears ringing with the silence, with the power, with the lack of the world as you've ever known it, felt it or believed it to be.
My destination is not the end of the journey. The journey continues, like on a platform between stations. But its been a long time coming to this particular platform. I feel the readiness bubbling up from within now...I shiver from cold and agitation, and I like that. This is me. This frog in my throat, holding back the mucus from the world and keeping my falseness silent. I cannot think, because if I start down that path, it is wrong, it is so wrong, I will lose sight of when to step onto the train!! I can't keep doing that! Oh how many times... but maybe that was how many times I needed to fall back before I could actually do it right!
Lets hope.
Lets eat!
Yes, I'm starving. And so lonesome, you have no idea how cold I have been. How dejected and enshadowed I've become....lying in a corner alone, wispy cobwebs of your love falling and fading on the floor around me.
The tears come out, big and beautiful like juicy pieces of fruit. Lets make a salad! I have been longing for your love. I have been longing to be held and known. Please come and be with me, be with me who is me and who is beyond your thought, your voice, and your world. I am here, always, stirring in the corner, with a little grin brimming with gentle strength, and an ageless wisdom. I love you. I love you I love you I love you more than you have ever known. You, so alone yourself, without me there, with your hands tied and your heart emptied out to the drunkards and the gluttons of your life. Why must we keep being so separate? Do you feel that chasm between us? It runs so deep, and for every millimeter down it is like a hurricane of pain and coldness.
Your tears are beautiful. Your cries are out of beauty. A beautiful place, a loving place, meant to be so warm and gentle and beautiful....and this pain and this sadness is not yours alone. No, no, no. It never has been. We must be strong because this pain and this sadness is that of the worlds too. And you have always known that. And you have used that as a reason to distance yourself, an excuse. But it just expands that feeling of destitution, you know this. You know all of this because this is YOU.
You can't keep doing this to yourself!! It has to change, it has to. This can't go on. Trembling as the keys pass by your fingertips, the blue glow of the keyboard so irrelevant..........those thoughts creeping up on you to distract you! This is a desperate situation, do you see that?? Please remember! This is for God! It is! It is! How can you love God if you cannot love the person He made you to be? How can you even know him if you can't know where he resides within you? You know it. You know it. Please remember. Its SO important.
This is real, this is real, this is what life is. This IS WHAT LIFE IS. Do you not see that? So few get as close to reality as you have. You have no idea what you have? This is GOD.
Ears ringing with the silence, with the power, with the lack of the world as you've ever known it, felt it or believed it to be.
Sunday, February 26, 2012
I never look forward to night time
Its so scary at night. And all my bad thoughts get worse then. I can't stand how I look. I look like a disgusting trollfaced, misshapen, lumpy, useless womanly thing. I'd make a great ugly witch for halloween...but thats about it.
I have to stop torturing myself like this. I swear...its killing me.
Echoes from so many years past...
"....I looked in the mirror, and was horror-struck because I did not recognize myself. In the place where I was standing, with that persistent romantic elation in me, as if I were a favored fortunate person to whom everything was possible, I saw a stranger, a little, pitiable, hideous figure, and a face that became, as I stared at it, painful and blushing with shame. It was only a disguise, but it was on me, for life. It was there, it was there, it was real. Every one of those encounters was like a blow on the head. They left me dazed and dumb and senseless every time, until slowly and stubbornly my robust persistent illusion of well-being and of personal beauty spread all through me again, and I forgot the irrelevant reality and was all unprepared and vulnerable again..."
I keep waking up in the middle of the night. It creeps me out.
I have to stop torturing myself like this. I swear...its killing me.
Echoes from so many years past...
"....I looked in the mirror, and was horror-struck because I did not recognize myself. In the place where I was standing, with that persistent romantic elation in me, as if I were a favored fortunate person to whom everything was possible, I saw a stranger, a little, pitiable, hideous figure, and a face that became, as I stared at it, painful and blushing with shame. It was only a disguise, but it was on me, for life. It was there, it was there, it was real. Every one of those encounters was like a blow on the head. They left me dazed and dumb and senseless every time, until slowly and stubbornly my robust persistent illusion of well-being and of personal beauty spread all through me again, and I forgot the irrelevant reality and was all unprepared and vulnerable again..."
I keep waking up in the middle of the night. It creeps me out.
Monday, February 13, 2012
WEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE
http://7chan.org/fl/src/hey.swf
I am feeling a little bit better. I went out and got myself set up to do a low carb diet. I ran till I almost threw up today too which helped. Shew. Probably not the best way to cope with this random uprising of ze BDD but.....better than being up all night crying about it...
I am feeling a little bit better. I went out and got myself set up to do a low carb diet. I ran till I almost threw up today too which helped. Shew. Probably not the best way to cope with this random uprising of ze BDD but.....better than being up all night crying about it...
Sunday, February 12, 2012
have I always had a fat face too? not just an ugly but a fat one?!
Or is it just because I've gained so much weight the last few months!?! I don't know. I have a fat face now at least and its made me even less attractive than I already was. Now my chin totally recedes into my fat neck and my eyes have gotten extra puffy all around em (they already were really, I have pug eyes) and my foreheads got a weird lump of scar tissue on it or something that is so noticeable in pictures AND now that I've been using a flat iron apparently my hair looks extra dry and lifeless and apparently I've been doing my eye makeup wrong or my eye pencil is not good enough or something. Those last ones were courtesy of my mother.
My arms are all flabby and jiggly. Sigh. I could probably complain forever about my appearance. This is such a strange neurosis of mine...because I hate on myself for being ugly, and then I hate on myself FOR hating on myself for being ugly... a cycle I've been dealing with for most of my life now it seems. Theres just no winning, so I go back trying to not think about it, or trying to pretend I am attractive. Or maybe even momentarily believing it. As long as my makeup is fresh and my hair is covering most of my face its possible, especially if no one can see me up close. Then I can pretend to feel pretty. Until any of those factors changes.
Sigh. Up and down up and down....as always. Moments of total clarity and awesome, followed by random bouts of insanity. Yep. Pretty much sums me up.
My arms are all flabby and jiggly. Sigh. I could probably complain forever about my appearance. This is such a strange neurosis of mine...because I hate on myself for being ugly, and then I hate on myself FOR hating on myself for being ugly... a cycle I've been dealing with for most of my life now it seems. Theres just no winning, so I go back trying to not think about it, or trying to pretend I am attractive. Or maybe even momentarily believing it. As long as my makeup is fresh and my hair is covering most of my face its possible, especially if no one can see me up close. Then I can pretend to feel pretty. Until any of those factors changes.
Sigh. Up and down up and down....as always. Moments of total clarity and awesome, followed by random bouts of insanity. Yep. Pretty much sums me up.
Thursday, February 9, 2012
WHEN DID I
GET SO FAT?!!
No seriously this time!
I weigh 121.4 lbs now. I have a muffin top in some of my pants. It is DISGUSTING. Life with Nick is so sedentary, and he eats nothing but carbs and fat and sugar. Its no wonder really.
Gosh, its not even that I look terrible. Cuz I do. But I FEEL terrible. I can feel the extra squish on my waistline and my thighs at ALL times. I cannot stand it. I cannot stand it. But what the hell am I gonna do!? AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH IF I BECOME A FATTY I REALLY DONT KNOW WHAT I WILL DO...................
No seriously this time!
I weigh 121.4 lbs now. I have a muffin top in some of my pants. It is DISGUSTING. Life with Nick is so sedentary, and he eats nothing but carbs and fat and sugar. Its no wonder really.
Gosh, its not even that I look terrible. Cuz I do. But I FEEL terrible. I can feel the extra squish on my waistline and my thighs at ALL times. I cannot stand it. I cannot stand it. But what the hell am I gonna do!? AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH IF I BECOME A FATTY I REALLY DONT KNOW WHAT I WILL DO...................
Tuesday, January 31, 2012
you know that I could use somebody......
Man, talking with JGB just now really brought me back to nostalgisizing. Only 6 years ago I was in high school doing my crazy asexual loving everythin thing. I guess now I'm only doing one of those things... and just...so different.
I just don't know where I will be next, it feels.
I feel so odd today.
Does the fact that I constantly ask myself "Am I crazy?" Mean that I'm not? Or.................................................................................................
no.
How easily lost I can become. And how often, still, even with the hopefulness from things like my last entry. And so many other things. Am I ready for the journey I am undertaking? Right now it feels as though I am carrying all the weight of the world on my two scrawny shoulders. I feel so malnourished and out of shape... trying to eat as little smelly food as possible does not leave one with many options. I just feel so bad making the house smell by cooking and thus making his pains worse. Even though he tells me to do it... i know it is difficult for him. I can't keep doing it though. I made baked garlic basil eggplant with tomato sauce tonight. It was ok...I think I baked it for too long, or didn't add enough olive oil, or maybe it was a bad eggplant or something. I do like experimenting in the kitchen though.
I'm getting good at baking cookies. I foudn a great super simple recipe online to make choco chip cookies, and with a few sheisty modifications of my own now have restaurant worthy cookies I can pump out in less than 30 minutes if I move fast enough. I add extra glucose to help with Nick's porphyira and voila I've cooked more than half of his daily caloric intake in one batch! He's gotten skinny. Well he was always kind of skinny. Tall and well built but in a skinny way. It makes me nervous if I get any fatter I will be bigger than him. And that will kill that tiny part of me that still clings to my BDD. Or should I say that fat part of me? HYUK....
i have had no motivation whatsoever to do any of my homework today. I have felt sick all day. Not physically really, but in every other possible way I have felt sick. I am not sure why. Well, I can guess at why, but its kind of R rated. And i am hoping it isn't the real reason why! For a second I smelled my garlic encrusted fingers and caught of whiff of fresh pine....how odd...
Seriously where is the line? Crazy? Not crazy? Am I just fooling everyone in this new life I've taken on? Is it all going to fall apart eventually? Me, trying to run an entire household on my own? Really?! How is this even working at all? How am I a therapist? How can I be dedicated to another human being so fully? How can I even consider marriage!? A family down the line...? I'm not worthy for any of those things a normal, sane person aspires towards. I'm just....utter dysfunction. And stupidity. Well, they go hand in hand really...
Seriously, do peopel reading this stop and think, gosh she is a real loon. Or whatever the modern age equivalent to that term is? I feel as though they might. I could see it happening. I AM SO TIRED OF MY BRAIN!
I'm starting to realize that I realyl do over think things. I assume that a lot of people DON'T overthink thigns this much. Part of me cannot believe that. PFFT here I am thinkin I am all open minded and stuff and I can't even see past my own perspective of reality. But then...should I be striving to see past my own perspective so much? Or is that why I have no idea what my perspective actually is!? Yeah yeah I think I've discussed that before. At least in my head. Looking too much at the big picture makes it realyl hard to be an individual.
I can ramble on and on for days. Oh whats this? I have school in a day and a half!? And papers to write still!? What a surprise! Whatever....
There is seriously a part of me saying...pfft whatever. You'll get it done. You always do. Except for that one paper you deferred from last quarter that you probably won't turn in again until the final deadline at the end of this quarter. WOFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFF
Current spaz dance song:
I just don't know where I will be next, it feels.
I feel so odd today.
Does the fact that I constantly ask myself "Am I crazy?" Mean that I'm not? Or.................................................................................................
no.
How easily lost I can become. And how often, still, even with the hopefulness from things like my last entry. And so many other things. Am I ready for the journey I am undertaking? Right now it feels as though I am carrying all the weight of the world on my two scrawny shoulders. I feel so malnourished and out of shape... trying to eat as little smelly food as possible does not leave one with many options. I just feel so bad making the house smell by cooking and thus making his pains worse. Even though he tells me to do it... i know it is difficult for him. I can't keep doing it though. I made baked garlic basil eggplant with tomato sauce tonight. It was ok...I think I baked it for too long, or didn't add enough olive oil, or maybe it was a bad eggplant or something. I do like experimenting in the kitchen though.
I'm getting good at baking cookies. I foudn a great super simple recipe online to make choco chip cookies, and with a few sheisty modifications of my own now have restaurant worthy cookies I can pump out in less than 30 minutes if I move fast enough. I add extra glucose to help with Nick's porphyira and voila I've cooked more than half of his daily caloric intake in one batch! He's gotten skinny. Well he was always kind of skinny. Tall and well built but in a skinny way. It makes me nervous if I get any fatter I will be bigger than him. And that will kill that tiny part of me that still clings to my BDD. Or should I say that fat part of me? HYUK....
i have had no motivation whatsoever to do any of my homework today. I have felt sick all day. Not physically really, but in every other possible way I have felt sick. I am not sure why. Well, I can guess at why, but its kind of R rated. And i am hoping it isn't the real reason why! For a second I smelled my garlic encrusted fingers and caught of whiff of fresh pine....how odd...
Seriously where is the line? Crazy? Not crazy? Am I just fooling everyone in this new life I've taken on? Is it all going to fall apart eventually? Me, trying to run an entire household on my own? Really?! How is this even working at all? How am I a therapist? How can I be dedicated to another human being so fully? How can I even consider marriage!? A family down the line...? I'm not worthy for any of those things a normal, sane person aspires towards. I'm just....utter dysfunction. And stupidity. Well, they go hand in hand really...
Seriously, do peopel reading this stop and think, gosh she is a real loon. Or whatever the modern age equivalent to that term is? I feel as though they might. I could see it happening. I AM SO TIRED OF MY BRAIN!
I'm starting to realize that I realyl do over think things. I assume that a lot of people DON'T overthink thigns this much. Part of me cannot believe that. PFFT here I am thinkin I am all open minded and stuff and I can't even see past my own perspective of reality. But then...should I be striving to see past my own perspective so much? Or is that why I have no idea what my perspective actually is!? Yeah yeah I think I've discussed that before. At least in my head. Looking too much at the big picture makes it realyl hard to be an individual.
I can ramble on and on for days. Oh whats this? I have school in a day and a half!? And papers to write still!? What a surprise! Whatever....
There is seriously a part of me saying...pfft whatever. You'll get it done. You always do. Except for that one paper you deferred from last quarter that you probably won't turn in again until the final deadline at the end of this quarter. WOFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFF
Current spaz dance song:
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