we wus out of wineez

So I used vodka and juice instead. I forgot how hard liquor hits me. It looked like only a little pour from the bottle, but it wasn't little enough.

I was overreacting last couple entries. As usual. It was merely an expression of my feelings in the moment when I found out about his lie. And those feelings, while understandable, were not something to get crazy about, in the end. Not that I probably would have, at least not physically. Thats not my style.

Today has been a weird day. I felt better, mostly, than I can remember feeling in a long while. Since before last month and all the things going on in that month. Maybe things are finally starting to integrate properly. I don't know. Its a strange feeling, because I felt happy, giddy even, to some degree, but there was some tinge to it which I could not quite understand. Some tinge of anxiety or perhaps wariness. Depression, for sure. But over what I cannot say. Which is strange, because usually when I am sad I can tell why.

This is just a kind of underlying feeling though. Strange. Maybe my modus operandi is shifting as well. Something to keep an eye on, perhaps.

I am so tired of keeping an eye on everything though. So tired of it. I was reminded of something important today in a song I used to live my life by....

But this for some reason does not satisfy me anymore. I guess I truly am betwixt ways of being right now. And it is a very uncomfortable place to be. At least before I was comfortable NOT being at all. This is somewhere between being and not being...... and theres not even a word for what that place is!

poop. well, just gotta keep rollin and tumblin and whirlin and whorlin......