.....how many people would rather continue acting in ways they DONT want to act in order to avoid acting the way they DO want to....

I feel on the verge of tears again today. I'm so tired of this. So tired of being so depressed or anxious, or both at once. I'm not sure what can be done about it though....

 

 I refuse to give up. I dont care if I stop eating or sleeping, if I'm afraid to cook smelly food or go to the bathroom, if I have trouble getting up and taking care of myself, if I cry all the time or feel like a worthless piece of shit. I'm never giving up. Never. I  am not sure if I'll get anywhere this way but I don't care. What am I doing, pretending to be a therapist? What am I doing at all? I'm too weak....

Its just.... theres no denying it. I can't lean on anyone the way I want to. I want to with Nick but it hurts him too much when he is sick. And I can't stand it. I can't stand being a burden. So I can't be weak. But I am just getting weaker and weaker, it seems...big surprise, really, but what can I do? I think my craziness scares him. Maybe eventually he will get sick of me like I've always wondered. I hope not... but who knows. I'm obviously failing to live up to his image of me right now...

My new therapist wants me to start eating better or doing something nice for myself that will make it easier for me to care for myself. I just don't know if I can muster up the strength for any of it right now. I just want to crawl into a hole and hide. 

I just don't know what to do. I dont know I dont know I dont know i dont know i dont know i dont know i dont know i dont know anything i dont know anything i dont know i domnt know i dont know i dont know i dont know id ontdfskldfsdfjsdfs.//./..I'm so tired othinking about everything, or imaginging that things can change. Im too weak. Maybe I shouldnt be trying to change myself, even for the better. Maybe its impossible. Im so weak... such a waekling. What do I have to offer, aynway? The more I get to know myself the less I seem to have. I dont know what to do. I dont know i dont know i dont know i dont know i dont know i dont know id ont know i dont know id oni dont know i donkt dfkjsl;fkasjflkdfjl

i feel so alone. Ive got Nick, but i can't burden him, I just cant, it wouldnt be right, itd just hurt him. It already does even though I dont want to. God I feel like such an idiot.  I'm sorry.What can I do?? I can't do anything!!! I CANT DO ANYTHING. IM  TRAPPED. I've set myself up for it, made it just right so that there would be no escaping my own destruction. Its what I've always wanted.  Not just a challenge, the most impossible challenge ever. And well I've got it. And its designed to kill me. I guess really I've always wanted an indirect, selfless looking way of killing myself... that must be what it is. Well cool, then. Its settled. I'm not giving up. I'm just gonna keep going until I can't keep going at all. What else i there in life anyway? Parties, pleasure? no, no, no. Thats all useless and unfulfilling.

Is it weird that that sort of makes me feel better? Damn..