Or is it just because I've gained so much weight the last few months!?! I don't know. I have a fat face now at least and its made me even less attractive than I already was. Now my chin totally recedes into my fat neck and my eyes have gotten extra puffy all around em (they already were really, I have pug eyes) and my foreheads got a weird lump of scar tissue on it or something that is so noticeable in pictures AND now that I've been using a flat iron apparently my hair looks extra dry and lifeless and apparently I've been doing my eye makeup wrong or my eye pencil is not good enough or something. Those last ones were courtesy of my mother.
My arms are all flabby and jiggly. Sigh. I could probably complain forever about my appearance. This is such a strange neurosis of mine...because I hate on myself for being ugly, and then I hate on myself FOR hating on myself for being ugly... a cycle I've been dealing with for most of my life now it seems. Theres just no winning, so I go back trying to not think about it, or trying to pretend I am attractive. Or maybe even momentarily believing it. As long as my makeup is fresh and my hair is covering most of my face its possible, especially if no one can see me up close. Then I can pretend to feel pretty. Until any of those factors changes.
Sigh. Up and down up and down....as always. Moments of total clarity and awesome, followed by random bouts of insanity. Yep. Pretty much sums me up.
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