Probably my favorite scene from any Disney movie

I have not given a single thought to this journal since the last entry. This strikes me as important to mention because I think it indicates just how my mood has been. I'm not sure why yet, but I am not nearly as depressed as I was last entry, and I don't think I have been since my trip down for school. It was just the sort of vacation I needed, in a way, because I actually allowed myself to treat it like one. I mean, for chrissake I have a hotel room to myself for 3 days! Of course I can relax and enjoy my stay...it helps to have car though. Thank God for the chance though.

I feel...a little more integrated. A little more whole. Maybe. I'm not sure. All I know for sure is that I am starting to feel a little rested, finally. And so with my fractional level of renewed vigor I will now jump up and try and be superwoman again, and probably fall back into depression/anxiety/chaos state within a couple of weeks. Yeah, yeah, I recognize the pattern. I do.

I have been some personal revelations of sorts with my faith too. That is certainly becoming more integrated, THANK GOD. That homeostatic anxiety I was feeling around the clashing of my old world views with my new ones was getting pretty old. Yes, that is perhaps the piece of myself that feels a little more whole. PRAISE BE! Seriously! It all makes sense though. I think I can understand just a little bit more about the extensive, yet eternally limited, perceptions that human beings always throw up against the eternally unlimited designs of our Creator. And the odd sort of duality of this world and the heavens and then maybe all of it together and not together at the same time kind of thing...stuff that my grad school talks about kind of while inserting the idea that God himself is a mere myth, a mere creation of humanity, just as is all of our other worldly *LIMITED* perceptions. Haha, its so sad, so so sad, all I can do is try and laugh about it.

What if, when I die, everyone dies? I was thinking about this... and, IF time only exists in this world, which is barred from the rest of existence by the mortality of the flesh/physical world, then once our spirit is detached from the physical, it is detached from time. So that would mean, out of time, we are all dead to the physical world at once! in the same moment (or lack of moment), we will all begin our existence, or knowing of, the other side. Whatever that may look like I cannot fathom. Even this hare-brained supposition aroudn the lacking of time begins to cause a rift in my brain's computational capacity. But it would make so much sense if that timelessness is true! If we are all already raptured at the moment of our death, our departure from the physical, all at once! Well, I dont know, maybe thats going too far. These are just thoughts. I cannot know anything for sure. But I think maybe I'm onto something here. Who knows. I feel so disqualified to philosophize this way, like, "Who are you, thinking you're so smart you can even BEGIN to understand whats actually happening in all existence!" Haha, well, yes, I suppose that is a healthy way to feel about it, because its true. Its true for all of us, trapped as we are in this physical, fleshly realm.

I think...the life we know it, its like living in a tiny room with a one way mirror in it. All of the rest of existence can look in and see what is happening here, but all we see is ourselves and our world reflected back.

OH SNAP