Everything suddenly flashes full of meaning. The light streaks like a deadly bullet across my forehead, around the room and back into my brain. This is me! This is it, I'm here, my destination. I gave it away didn't I? I have wanted this for so long. I have been a traveler, haunted and alone, restless....seeking....another traveler. But that was wrong to do, in the way that I did it. To some degree, anyway. Bah! It was just another part of being human, which surely, is separate from that part of me I was seeking. Indeed it was. I feel it in me welling up inside me, from deep down in my gut. It is hard to focus on it through the pain, especially the physical, the objective, and the realness around constantly clouding my vision inward.
My destination is not the end of the journey. The journey continues, like on a platform between stations. But its been a long time coming to this particular platform. I feel the readiness bubbling up from within now...I shiver from cold and agitation, and I like that. This is me. This frog in my throat, holding back the mucus from the world and keeping my falseness silent. I cannot think, because if I start down that path, it is wrong, it is so wrong, I will lose sight of when to step onto the train!! I can't keep doing that! Oh how many times... but maybe that was how many times I needed to fall back before I could actually do it right!
Lets hope.
Lets eat!
Yes, I'm starving. And so lonesome, you have no idea how cold I have been. How dejected and enshadowed I've become....lying in a corner alone, wispy cobwebs of your love falling and fading on the floor around me.
The tears come out, big and beautiful like juicy pieces of fruit. Lets make a salad! I have been longing for your love. I have been longing to be held and known. Please come and be with me, be with me who is me and who is beyond your thought, your voice, and your world. I am here, always, stirring in the corner, with a little grin brimming with gentle strength, and an ageless wisdom. I love you. I love you I love you I love you more than you have ever known. You, so alone yourself, without me there, with your hands tied and your heart emptied out to the drunkards and the gluttons of your life. Why must we keep being so separate? Do you feel that chasm between us? It runs so deep, and for every millimeter down it is like a hurricane of pain and coldness.
Your tears are beautiful. Your cries are out of beauty. A beautiful place, a loving place, meant to be so warm and gentle and beautiful....and this pain and this sadness is not yours alone. No, no, no. It never has been. We must be strong because this pain and this sadness is that of the worlds too. And you have always known that. And you have used that as a reason to distance yourself, an excuse. But it just expands that feeling of destitution, you know this. You know all of this because this is YOU.
You can't keep doing this to yourself!! It has to change, it has to. This can't go on. Trembling as the keys pass by your fingertips, the blue glow of the keyboard so irrelevant..........those thoughts creeping up on you to distract you! This is a desperate situation, do you see that?? Please remember! This is for God! It is! It is! How can you love God if you cannot love the person He made you to be? How can you even know him if you can't know where he resides within you? You know it. You know it. Please remember. Its SO important.
This is real, this is real, this is what life is. This IS WHAT LIFE IS. Do you not see that? So few get as close to reality as you have. You have no idea what you have? This is GOD.
Ears ringing with the silence, with the power, with the lack of the world as you've ever known it, felt it or believed it to be.
No comments:
Post a Comment