And my nose is so huge and gross on my ugly scarred face....its just so unfair. From some angles I look so nice, and then other angles I'm just hideous. Its so weird....just....strangely beautiful. Sigh. I guess thats good, it makes me unique, right? In a way....I guess. I have a unique face. Well, everyone does, to some small degree at least. PRetty sure I'm not being crazy here. Pretty sure thats reality. Pretty sure.
Things are starting to feel ominous. I am still mostly ok, I think, but I'm just...anxious that things are going to start falling down into blackness again soon. Nick is already there. I don't know what to expect. I don't know. I feel kind of isolated again. I don't know what that means...is the cycle progressing as I expected it to? Whats going to happen to me? And how can I help Nick if I fall again? How can I even help him now??!! Everything just seems so...hopeless....
Goodness, what a cruel world we live in. We can make attempts to predict our future, to help ourselves feel a little safe or assured, but realistically, there is no way to know. There is no way to KNOW! Where is the assurance in that?? There is none.
That is why we do need a Savior. We need something outside of this world that can actually help us see past our own misgivings, our own incapability.
Gosh, my legs look so ginormous right now. Disgusting. Haha, it never changes, it never goes away. I just have to keep going. Eat better, exercise (thank GOD i'm starting to do that again), sleep well, relax, take care of myself....
I still find myself questioning everything. What should my goals in life be right now? Should I just give up on this therapy stuff? I am starting to wonder.... it just seems too difficult right now. Its going to take at least another 3 years to even get my LICENSE...let alone to start making money off of it. And it will probably take more than 3 years. This is why most people wait until they are much older to go through this program.... it takes a stable life to get all the work done. I certainly don't have a very stable life right now. Yeeeesh. Well, we shall see what happens. Maybe I will have to stop after I graduate. I don't know.
It will certainly be interesting over the next year as I finish all my classes and have to write a thesis. without any classes to keep me in check... I wonder how I will get the thesis done.... haha... .
I'm just kind of rambling now. Should probably stop.
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