Its been an interesting week. I feel as though I've kind of started coming out of another dark, spirit crushing period. Homeostatic anxiety is NOT a fun thing to hold all on your own.
One thing I absolutely love about Nick is that he can't hide when he's in pain, emotionally or physically. Its very refreshing. He doesn't hide it or try and distract himself from it by doing other things, or focusing on other people, like I tend to. He just...is stuck with it, wounded out in the open for everyone to see. Well, he can put on a face of some amount of strength for other people, but he never does with me. Its like he so desperately needs to be able to relinquish that pain holding him down it just knocks him onto the ground as soon as we are together alone. And then how much easier it has become to pick him up again when this happens.... as long as I myself am nourished enough to handle it, of course.
And thats been the problem for a little over a month now. There has been no time for me at all, and I'm realizing now (or at least more fully realizing) that most of the blame for that lies with myself. I can't keep throwing myself onto the mercy of other people... as I so often do. Even the few friends I've kind of established up here, I notice right away that I kind of set myself up to be "used" as nothing more than someone they can vent at. I know its not fully my fault...part of it is probably just that there are not so many peopele out there today that can truly listen and invigorate the way I can, at least in my age group...
But for the last month... I have literally felt as though my entire being, physically and energetically, was experiencing constant tremors... the anxiety, a feeling like I'm about to fall violently on the ground and shatter into pieces... Or like a volcanic flow running beneath hardened black lava rock, slowly building in pressure until it starts to crack through the surface and with a burning glow erupt out and eradicate whatever tiny specks of life had begin to grow again. Of course, that sort of eruption is not just a destructive thing...its incredibly life-giving too. Because that lava represents parts of myself I have been trying to feel and connect with for a long while now.
Its getting better now. I started seeing a new therapist. Lisa was unfortunately just too close to my mom to continue working with at this juncture, plus I'm glad to get a chance to observe another MFT at work. She is quite different than Lisa was, and I love it.
Right now the lava has yet to completely break through the crusty outer layer. Its kind of seething just beneath the surface, causing the glowing cracks to undulate slowly as the pressure builds up gently.
I'm going to try and encourage myself to show. Its very scary to me. I've started opening up to Nick in a way I never have before, opening up in a way I never could before to anyone! Mainly because I wasn't ready, and I have been so convinced that a) no one wants to hear about me, and b) they wouldn't understand even if I did. But he did! Thank God. I am starting to believe that someone actually loves me. It is sad that it has taken this long for me to be able to feel that. I have been able to think that peopel love me for a long time. But I don't think it ever really hit me at my core...someone actually loves me. And wants to take care of ME.
ME? ME of all people??! Why would anyone want to do that? How could they? I'm less than scum. I'm not a real person. These are my feelings when I try and comprehend that. But slowly, those feelings are being melted away, just like the blackened rock on top will melt back into the warm, loving flow beneath.
I can't keep ignoring myself though, this much is clear. Part of me remains incredibly frightened to attempt this change. My whole life has been focused on people or things outside of myself...well, mostly. I have always had a desire to grow...but not really by focusing on myself. Not really. Its too easy to get distracted by the world around me, be it people, rats, or even just a beautiful grassy hillside dotted with wildflowers.....
I am just rambling now. But thats ok. I shouldn't be so worried about limiting myself. I know that much of what I struggle with is stuff many women struggle with. No, many PEOPLE in general struggle with. I have a lot of resistance to making anything about my gender still. Although honestly I think the feminist movement takes it a little bit too far. Yes, men and women are incredibly different in so many ways, and sure those ways should be honored and understood.... but its gotten to the point where it seems as though men are belittled by the all-beautiful, powerful woman. Again, yes, women are beautiful and powerful in a very special, unique way....but so are men, right? Its like Yin and Yang....you need a balance. I suppose the world is just super out of balance right now with the shift from the bad old sort of patriarchy towards true equality. That true equality will not be reached until we swing back from this militant feminist woman worship we are in right now. Just the way of the world I guess.
I certainly hope and pray we get there. Maybe we won't, until God comes and changes everything.
I have been questioning everything I believe so much. I have decided that I would prefer to belief in creationism. Having taken a ton of classes with all the evolutionary theory indoctrination, I came away for a while totally believing we had proven evolution. But I'm realizing that it is still only a theory, backed mostly with "evidence" that doesn't actually point towards anything more than micro-evolution, caused by the mixing of our genes from one generation to the next. While I'm not able to prove that creation scientists claims against the macro-evolutionary evidence is completely true either, the sheer fact that they can provide evidence just as scientific in nature as the evidence given FOR macro-evolution leaves the whole thing at another standstill. Its just another chicken or the egg dilemma, as far as I can see. And ultimately, it just comes down to what any individual chooses to believe in personally. You can choose to believe what much of society believes today, or you can choose to believe what creationists say, in spite of most of society considering what they say to be total malarkey.
It makes me a little frustrated to feel ostracized by people claiming to be open minded, who claim they base their beliefs off of proven scientific evidence without actually examining said evidence themselves, and without even HEARING about evidence to the contrary.
But as I said, none of that really matters. What it all comes down to is that, as humans, we are limited by our very beings to our human logic, human sense, and human belief. Until we can perceive outside of these limitations I sincerely doubt we will ever be able to move out of our need for FAITH in some form. Ah yes we are in the "secular" age now, we don't "need" a religion. Sure, but we will always need a "God" in some form....some sort of structure in which we organize our thoughts, feelings, social systems and behaviors. Be it through science and the humanist manifesto or the bible, we are always pinned to some form of faith, or belief. ALWAYS. Theres no way around it. Even living your life saying, "everything is subjective" is a form of belief, and a way you attempt to shape your life. Theres no way around it. Gosh, when I first started thinking about NOT believing in evolution, it was earth shattering to me. Probably a large part of what started my tremors, honestly. Because that was how my entire world was framed... haha, but the fact that even those beliefs can be changed just proves how limited our ability to ever know the "truth" is!
So I have decided I want to believe in our Lord Jesus Christ, and God the Almighty Father, and the messages He sent to us that were recorded in the bible. Sounds crazy to someone whose faith lies in athiesm, I know. But doesn't your quest for freedom for all include those who want to believe something so anti your own beliefs? of course it does. It sucks because even though Christians preach to live as Jesus did, the only fully righteous man to ever walk the earth, they are too flawed by their humanity to ever live exactly this way themselves. I certainly fall prey to it myself at times. This leads to a lot of feelings of hipocrisy towards Christians as we see them preaching one thing and practicing another. We are all so limited by our humanity. It sucks.
Ok, well, I feel as though I have typed enough for today. I certainly have rambled quite a bit. These are all things I've had on my mind though so it is nice to have them recorded out. I'm cold and my hands are feeling funny. Maybe I'll try my hand at more drawing today.
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