I don't think I've ever seen myself look so much like a snob than in this photo. I was trying to see how disgusting my face looks from this angle, but this one at least maybe made me feel a little bit better about how I look. At least with my mouth closed and my skin not stretched out in a smile I look somewhat ok. I don't know how I'm still so disgusted with myself after all the photos taken in February. Well, yes, I do know. Because while some of them I look passable, even beautiful, perhaps, in them, I would say most of them I look just as wretched as I've always imagined. I CANNOT STAND THAT I AM UP AT THIS HOUR DWELLING ON THIS. but I know exactly why. These stupid moments of self-repulsion always spring up when some new external source of anxiety has. I don't think i want to get into it fully now, but suffice it to say, the human part of me really questions how much Nick respects me. Since I'm who knows anywhere between 70- 99% human at this point, thats a lot. How can he respect me if he lies to me? Why does he think he even NEEDS to lie to me? have I not proven that forgiveness comes almost thoughtlessly to me? How come I stumble across this now? Why? Why did he have to sign into his gmail account, directing me to his blogger profile page when I come to log in here?
I respect him. I open up to him. The only thing I haven't discussed a lot with him is this journal. And even that, I told him about it right around the time I started it. I don't know if he remembers though. He was still fairly drugged up by the doctors at that point. Still, all of my entries are public. My browser history is right there for him to look through, I don't care. Well, I have kind of been private about it at times. But everything I write in here, he already knows anyway!! I literally pour my heart out to this man.... especially recently when I thought it was safe to open up to him moreso than anyone else I ever had before.... such a break in trust. But I don't want it to get to me. I know I can understand why he lied. And my love for him will always override this sort of anger, this sort of distrust. Until I find out he is actually cheating on me now, these sorts of lies.... i guess I can manage. I don't know if I should bring them up or not. Well, I know I Should really.
I would think by now Nick would know we are equals. I don't judge him as weakened by his condition, rather I see him as the strong man he is, living in such a broken world with a broken body to boot. And much the same can be said about myself, in a different way. I've got my shit together way more than anyone else in his life, as far as I can tell (which, of course knowing my own fallibility, doesn't mean much really - but as this is my journal for ranting, I feel justified in venting these rather irrational thoughts).
So how DARE he think I can't handle knowing something like this, how dare he give into whatever guilt or fear he might be experiencing and not confess the truth of the situation to me? This issue has to be addressed, even as I've already forgiven him for it, because I know it will continue to show up in little ways if he can't work through whatever it is keeping him there. It frustrates me how many people would rather continue acting in ways they DONT want to act in order to avoid acting the way they DO want to. Myself included. Ah, c'est la vie. That is why even though I have already forgiven him, and my first reaction is to simply repress my feelings of hurt and anger and unwantedness to spare him the pain of discussing it, I know we must bring it out.
Sigh. I'm trying to use this journal more to vent about my life because my new therapist has encouraged me to do so. So here it is, world. Freaking here it is. Again.
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