Theres a frog croaking loudly outside our front window. It likes to do that at night here. Kinda cool. I'm tired and weird feeling. Nothing new there I guess.
Been a little bit. Not sure if I am recovering from all the crap I've been discussing in here or not. Everything feels a little pear-shaped right now. I've been watching a ton of Ramsay's Kitchen Nightmares. Bloody hell. I need to get some bloody bollocks already and stop moping about all the time. A normal person wouldn't lay down on a couch and sigh for hours whenever some new psychological dilemma presented itself to them. Why should I be permitting myself such leisure? I need to get a job. It sucks. SSI benefits got cut back. Things are getting dire. I cut my hair again, looks nice. A little side bang action. I think it suits me, surprisingly. Crazy, I have a hairdresser now. Her name is Roz. Perfect name for a hairdresser.
I feel a little bonkers. But thats ok. I lost 6 lbs the last couple of weeks. I thought I was eating more too. Nick says I've been eating less. Huh. How did that one slip by? I'm still fat though, so nothing new there.....
Guess its good I'm seeing a therapist tomorrow.
Its so stupid. I can complain in here all I want, make myself seem like a complete crazy fool snobby twat but overall it still doesn't feel like a full reflection of myself or anything really. Its just the voice in my head telling me what to write out. Currently its the voice of Gordon Ramsay. Apparently the lines on his face were caused by his Rugby helmet. Huh. Never knew that. Weird. I'm squinting to write this. Too much anxiety. I can't enjoy myself at all the last few days. Its weird.
I refuse medication. Nope nope nope.
Sometimes I think about what I'm trying to do. At my age, at least in this day and age, it seems entirely inappropriate. To be getting a masters degree in counseling psychology. To be studying the human mind in depth, and then trying to help other people with their problems. At 25. I guess theres a part of me that thinks....but I haven't really lived yet! I don't want to do this. Pfft. But what is really living anyway? Certainly some people would consider what I'm doing to be very successful living. Today, one of my colleagues said that it was a no brainer for me to go for PhD, since I'm so young, why wouldn't I? Something to think about, maybe. I do have a knack for school. Thats probably all I have a knack for, outside of therapizing people. so maybe itd be cool. Who knows. Sigh.
Theres a part of me that just wants to move to another country and explore for a while. Or do an awesome laid back meaningless job somewhere, and spend my free time hanging out with friends or more likely wandering around aimlessly, in town or out in nature somewhere. But I don't think I'm gonig to. Probably not.
"I looked more widely around me. I studied the lives of the masses of humanity, and I saw that, not two or three, or ten, but hundreds, thousands, millions, had so understood the meaning of life that they were able both to live and to die. All these men were well acquainted with the meaning of life and death, quietly labored, endured privation and suffering, lived and died, and saw in all this, not a vain, but a good thing."
~ Leo Tolstoy
Too much squinting.
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