lemon bars and haystacks

Its... so far beyond the word interesting to experience what I can only call a "Nudge." This Nudge seems to originate somewhere completely different than I've ever experienced before, but it's effect is to change my course, often in the most unexpected of ways. A lot of the time, I still miss it. Its so gentle and unassuming at times my own delusions of grandeur stop me from recognizing it.

And the strangest thing is, I really can't explain it. I asked a few church friends how they knew when the Spirit was trying to tell them something, and they said, "You just know, its really impossible to explain."

Well, now I understand it. It is indeed impossible to explain. I asked them further, how do you know that it is the Spirit guiding you and not just yourself? Their answer was repeated. And that is also so true.

I don't know how I'm starting to recognize it for what it is, my ego wants to take all of the credit. But I think really there is no way I am responsible for my recognition. Because I have no way to recognize it. I have no familiarity with where it comes from. None at all, even with all my fantasies about heaven and life outside of the one we live. Those are all human fantasies and therefore not even close to what it is really like, most likely, although that is also impossible to confirm. We as individuals, as human beings, have absolutely NO WAY to escape our own failings by ourselves. Just like a flat tire can't fix itself, or a bird with broken wings can't just wrap them up in plaster and gauze and wait a few months for them to heal up, sipping tea in a wing back leather chair with his little bird feet propped up on a velvet ottoman. It is beyond our very NATURE to help ourselves, but we think we can. We think we can even PERCEIVE how to help ourselves. Nope. Wrong. Only someone outside of our nature, someone beyond our nature, but who understands it fully, can help us.

It is all a gift, completely undeserved and unexpected and often misunderstood. How sad, but amazing, so so so amazing, that it is given at all. I feel so unworthy even talking about it, like it makes me special to have on a few occasions felt the Nudge... it does NOT make me special. No, no, no!! Not at all. All the glory of that goes to the One who gave it! And that gift is for everyone! I am no different, no better, or worse, than any other human. Well, maybe worse....no, no, not than any other human. Worse than the Lord, yes...absolutely. Worse than the lowliest of angels, oh you got that right.

As selfish as it is, I want more of this. Like a little bird with broken wings given the chance to heal in comfort and peace...and to experience pure agape love. Nothing could be more amazing, more fulfilling. Truly, truly. Oh, Lord you are so beautiful it is beyond my ability to describe!!