vexin'

I have definitely gone back to avoiding most people. I just don't want to be around too many folk. I feel a wall between them and myself that is off-putting at best, anxiety or pain-inducing at worst. I'm not saying its because I'm special or different or anything, I think its just my current state of being making me want to avoid normal social interaction. There's only maybe a third of a handful of people I feel ok being around. Eh, maybe even less than that. Hearing other people doing day to day activities puts me ill at ease. It makes me slow to act, as I just want to hide in my room until they go away....

I tried socializing more this weekend, with people beyond the ones im ok being around, and....it was.....tolerable, to an extent. Boring. Also, the weird nausea stuff seemed to come back after doing it too long. Hmm. Backs up my theory thats its psychological, at least in part. I also expect its because of my wacky diet (or lack thereof) to an extent.

Grad school session coming up. Behind on everything, except getting my practice stuff done, which miraculously got taken care of with hardly any effort on my part it seems. I'm actually kind of proud of how brave I was to get the volunteers I need for it. I actually stood up in front of my 300 person seminar and spoke about my need. Ended up making three of my sessions that way - and one of the contacts is also studying to be an MFT and has books I can borrow! I feel so lucky!

I'm definitely prone to that unrealistic tendency of optimistic people to see their lives as lucky or blessed. Even in the face of all the pain and misery I've been through this year, I must admit I still think I'm a pretty lucky person, all things considered. Things coulda been a lot worse for someone like me....I've had only a tiny taste of how things could have been, if I'd gotten involved with more manipulative, abusive, selfish people etc etc. Important to remember when down: you're still lucky!

Eh, I've lost interest in writing more, so I'll stop here. Blahhh---zayyyyy...

Face up to the fact that you are who you are and nothing can change that belief....just be....

somewhere sickened

I keep having these weird moments of nausea followed by painful coughing fits that make my throat hurt. Also dizzy and faint a lot of the time. Not sure whats going on there, I'd rather assume its just my psyche fucking with my body because of how out of whack it is.

I was talking with a friend yesterday about all the bad things that have happened with other people this year...he didn't understand why I wasn't more angry at them. It made me stop and wonder about it a little bit again. Why am I not angry at them? I think its more because I don't feel I should hold anyone else responsible for how I feel than it is that I don't blame them, or think what they did was wrong. I know what they did wasn't right, its why I feel so horrible! But I don't feel mad at them....no matter how deep I sift through my feelings.... I dunno when people tell me I should be angry, I can kinda feel like some weird semblance of anger mixed in with all my fear and sadness and pain...but its only when they tell me I should be - so is it real, or just an obligatory type of rage that I create upon being requested to? 

I am the only one responsible for my feelings. I'm the one that creates them, after all. When another person acts a certain way towards me, they feel a certain way too - but they don't have the power to place that feeling on me unless I let it in, unless I choose to acknowledge the feelings they're having and create them for myself.  Which....is what I do when I feel angry (at least in the scenario presented above).

Wow, what a basic tendency of mine! Its like...reverse projection? I'm sure there's a name for it. Ultra-sympathizing? Something like that. Fuck, babies do it all the time. When one baby starts crying in a room full of babies, the other babies often start to cry too. Its like some stupid infantile behavior I've carried on my whole life. That makes me feel pretty pathetic. I can't let the idea that this is just some stupid infantile behavior I've taken with me into maturity make me feel worthless though. I play into self-deprecating thoughts and language far too often. How the hell am I gonna heal if I just focus on my weak spots? So here's a note to self: there's never just one side of the story, facet on a diamond, or use (or lack of) of anything!

Anyway! What a discovery! Or rediscovery! But still, its wholly dangerous. It goes with a lot of feelings I see in others. Pretty much every feeling, to different degrees. The feelings I hold inside myself naturally, the positive ones and probably things like insecurity and fear, are amplified when I'm around others of that nature. Feelings like anger/rage/hate, which I don't naturally feel, are the ones with the weakest hold. The rest sort of fall in between there I guess. Hmm.

I like this idea but I also recognize that its just an idea. Who knows whats true, who cares, it doesn't matter ultimately anyway. Gahh. Dealing with feelings is weird and wasteful feeling! But what else can one do, being trapped in this body full of them, unable to turn them off?

We are all children.

to love

Its not that I don't want to. I do... so much. As I sorta started to say previously, I've become too dependent on the third person created in a relationship - that joint person between the couple involved. Its so funny as I study for grad school I come across all these ideas I came up with, written about by Freud and Jung and other depthy people. Its quite affirming, in a way.

At any rate, I'm incredibly broken right now. The last few weeks made me feel as though I was shattered and sort of put back together, but all deformed with pieces missing.

To properly put myself back together, I have to take it slow. I have to gather up every little shard, and start from the bottom and carefully put all the pieces back together.

I have to go slow, or it'll be wrong, and I will hurt, and those around me will hurt.

ghh

Haven't been in the mood to write in here really the past couple days. Things are changing again. Perhaps a little more clarity has been gained, hopefully of a permanent nature. I dunno.

sleeepy

ZzZzZZzzz.z.....

Not much to say. Still all betwixty. I think I'm letting my emotions run my life. Emotions that I don't understand fully.Bluh..

blah blah blah

I have some sense of obligation to keep writing in this thing at least once every day. Not sure why or whether it matters or doesnt blah blah blah....

I realized today I was creating problems again when there didn't have to be any. I don't have to make that choice. I really probably shouldn't right now. As I've said before, I've become addicted to relationships and I need to remember that when trying to sort out what my problems are in life. I can't trust myself to look out for myself, at all, because I just want to ignore me and live to fulfill the happiness of others. Well, certain others.

Things can't be clear cut for me right now, but I think I know what I want. Heh, I say that right now but it seems to change every day. Obviously its just another sign I haven't been paying enough attention to myself...which...if anything the amount of entries already in this blog would seem to indicate otherwise...but its not enough obviously to make up for an entire lifetime of avoidance.

But do I really think I avoided myself all that much? I always felt like I valued introspection and self-development....but in light of how effed up my whole lifes been this year...I guess thats just it, everything's shifted, dramatically. This was one of those crazy jumpstart transitions that skips the gradual buildup and goes right into the middle of the action sequence. Well, kind of. Actually, it probably just seemed that way to me (and most everyone else) because I wasn't aware of the gradual buildup. Heh. All this shit I've been repressing or something just spewed itself out in some twisted fashion. Maybe...I dunno. Some repressed shit combined with recent shit I guess was the perfect combination to make me go nuts.

I never really expected to go nuts...most of my life I've been the clear headed, intelligent, perhaps a bit silly and spacey at times, but helpful and totally supportive advisor-type of friend....not someone who would do the things I've done this year....not jaded....or slightly bonkers....ok maybe slightly bonkers but in a more eccentric, innocent way. I think I've got that impression of myself right. I could fake a fair amount of confidence in myself, that in certain circumstances even...at least... felt... real.

I don't feel like that person anymore. I feel wasted and empty a lot of the time. I feel aged. Theres a lot of conflict....painful feelings and thoughts and images in my head....but also, all mixed in there, are my normal old feelings of happiness, joy, love....peacefulness, I swear that last ones somewhere deep down.... but these feelings seem to have trouble co-existing who would have thought? I can't just feel them all at once! Thats what makes me nuts I think....and why I have to dissociate sometimes.

I'm sick of feeling this pressure to choose, mostly self induced, if not all of it...of course. I can't do it right now. I literally can't choose something, anything, for myself. I need to work on myself first.

I need to take a step back....again. Gah, I keep trying for something I can't have. I need to set my own terms....I need to know what I want to set them as................................................hadgdgkdgjhdfasgghfhhadj

Didn't she turn
Didn't she go
Didn't she rise above it all
Didn't she learn
Didn't she see
This was not meant to be
No, no, no......

i feel like I'm walking on a line................

You gave me heaven and hell...................................I've got that pain....something inside me...a kind of pain..................and maybe sometime I'll wonder how it was.............I just remember too well..............

This is such a depressing blog. I guess it helps me keep that depression out of my interactions with others a little bit. I guess that means its doing its job anyway. Catharsis........or something....

I remain incredibly confused. On the one hand, I have happiness, completeness. On the other, I have ambiguity, pain, and need. The choice seems clear, but I'm so hazy myself its hard to make that choice. Yet.

I want to be better, I really do. At least theres that. If I wasn't driven to improve...there'd be no chance.

DANCE PARTY??!!??!

Endless crisis, Shame on me.....
Make a promise and be strong
A word of wisdom : forget all about me
and get me out of your mind.


Come on....lets go back in time........................................

weird dreams

I've been having a fair amount of weird dreams lately. I'm gonna record the latest one here, well, just because. I've got this ongoing theme involving scary dogs that continued on in this one. The last dream the scary dogs were starving and rabid, eating innocent children who were thrown into locked boxes with them against their will.This one the dogs weren't QUITE as scary....well, ok they were just not at first and in a different way.

I can't remember the beginning too well. I was starting what felt like another grad school class combined with something like group therapy or meditation. The teacher was like one of my grad school professors. The class happened outdoors, in this big nature reserve area. It was a forested place, with a variety of trees, as well as clear scrub land and grassy hills interspersed with bushes etc. Pretty nice. There was a shallow stream flowing by where we met on the first day, only an inch or so deep.

The teacher showed us how we would be accessing our secluded "classroom/meditation" area - if you knelt right in the middle of the water, put your hands down so that they were just touching the top of the water, and then pushed them and held them out forward, still touching the water lightly - you started floating forward across the top of the water, not getting wet at all - just skimming along the top, zooming like a little person-car. To change direction you just nudged that way with your arms, still maintaining contact with the top of the water. It was a smooth and easy sensation, awkward looking perhaps but quite fun. I remember the route to the spot for class or healing (it felt like both) became familiar very fast.

I had a partner who was going with me to class, first it was __ and at the end it was __, but I didn't notice the partner had changed till I woke up. Nothing weird happened with __ but I remember watching __ traveling to the spot once and noticing that he was trying to hurt himself before he got there. He'd try to break his fingers or bloody himself up at the shallowest part of the stream, where the water was only a few millimeters deep and had rocks jutting out of it, before arriving -- perhaps to look extra hurt, I think to gain some sort extra care or attention though I'm not sure about that. I remember being concerned and wanting to prevent him from doing this.

The dream shifted a bit at this point. I found myself on my way to class at night, just getting started floating on the stream towards the spot. As I zoomed cheerfully around a bend in the stream a dog, I believe a rottweiler, started barking ferociously at me from one of the banks; I was startled for a moment until I realized it was chained up and couldn't attack me. I relaxed and kept going, relieved it was tied up. But as I continued, I noticed I'd missed a turn in the stream and was continuing up another part of the stream. It flowed along  the edge of a grassy ravine, and on the other side of the ravine were three or four gigantic dogs, not like the rottweiler, which was normal in size.

At this point it had shifted from night to brilliant blue skied day, although I was still in time for class. These new dogs looked like Great Danes and were the size of small horses, their coats were shiny and they were quite healthy and not really mean looking, as far as dogs go. I was still afraid of them though, because I knew they were on patrol, looking for people to attack. Perhaps they were guarding something and I was not welcome. I could see in a little while the ravine sloped up and connected with the level of land I was on, I was heading towards that on one side while the dogs headed towards it on the other side, sort of chasing me from across the way I suspect. Knowing I should stop going this direction, I jumped out of the stream and reoriented myself on land for a moment. I started running back but stopped, not sure what to do. The dogs were making ground fast, although they seemed to have lost track of where I was, it wasn't going to be long until they were right on top of me. I was worried about the class, I didn't want the dogs to find them and attack them. I thought of trying to run back and find them. I hesitated more, thinking it was pretty unlikely I'd be able to outrun the dogs. I started looking around for a good tree to climb to escape the dogs, getting more and more frantic and paralyzed by fear as the dogs loped around the edge of the ravine.........and thats when I woke up.

Now from what my therapist has said, and what I suspected from my first dog dream, the dogs, in one way, have something to do with a part of myself I'm afraid of. Some drive thats overtaken me in some way. I kinda think they're representative of my sexuality, which went on a rampage this year, taking the reigns for the first time in my life after being torn asunder in at least one, probably multiple, incidents that occurred. Obviously I'm afraid of it immensely. The chained dog was scary but controllable, so I was ok with that. The great danes, however, I'm not sure where to go with that yet. At least they were healthy and free, in a sense, unlike the rabid starving dogs of the previous dream. But at the same time they were the ones in charge, and they freaked me the hell out. Eh, ok, well, I'm done. I wanted to write it down before I forgot. My mom woke me up but she's gone now. So...i'll try to sleep.

Its sad, I'm all on edge from a dream about dogs....

Hooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo

incomplete feeling entry

I was just laying in bed thinking man I havent posted a blog today. Why? Probably because I didnt feel like I needed to rant about anything in particular. I feel comfortably neutral, for the most part. Maybe a tad restless. Things are still up in the air in betweeny right now and it kinda sucks, but its how it has to be...so thats alright.

Time is just a whisperrr...in a waterfall...

 So I was laying here thinking, well I have nothing really to say, but I feel like maybe I should say something. But then I was also thinking, if I don't have anything to say I shouldnt waste others time by writing something. But THEN I thought, when the hell did I start caring about wasting someone elses' time so much that it effects my ability to write in a personal blog even? That is awful silly. And it made me realize I did want to write something.

Something I've been doing a lot lately is inhibiting myself. Really? Anyone who has spent enough time with me would probably say I'm relatively uninhibited. But I can tell its not as much as it used to be. I've been incredibly self conscious and limited in how I act because of it. I dislike it immensely, its an awful feeling. Much better to be carefree. I know sometimes being uninhibited is rude or even bad to be. It irks some people.

I think most of the time it shouldn't matter. I don't want to be a jerk, but at the same time, if being myself is going to make some people think I'm a jerk, why should it matter? That is their problem, aye? If it hurts to inhibit myself should I do it for the momentary comfort of someone else? I'm sort of at a crossroads about this. Part of me thinks maybe I should, but maybe only sometimes, or with people I actually care about. Another part of me thinks I should try to live completely uninhibited all the time, regardless of how it impacts those around me. That seems so inconsiderate though. But I can't be over-considerate. I guess I need to work out my own happy medium on this.

I dont know how considerate of others I actually am anymore either. I think that I used to at least think that I was. But lately I think I've been so wrapped up in my swirling chaotic mess of emotions that I've cut a lot of my ties with others. I guess thats part of all my dissociative stuff. I've put so much distance between myself and myself, and myself and others....out of necessity. A coping mechanism of sorts. This is the weird blank part of me that feels like it should be labeled "sociopath." It comes out without my permission randomly whenever I interact with someone. Of course its not really a complete sociopath thing because I know better than to pick up a knife and slice someones neck or something when it happens. I'd never hurt anyone, although at times like this its best if I'm not operating heavy machinery. It feels like a total disconnect from humanity, and lasts for all of a few moments to hours sometimes.

Now that I think about it, I've had that in me for a long time. Even before this year's craziness happened...although perhaps its intensified now. I just check out sometimes. Its like I stop existing. My body is there but my mind is not. Its a weird feeling. Like theres a wire pulling my soul out the back of my skull. I can feel my soul cling desperately for a second onto the back of my eyeballs. If the dissociation doesn't last long sometimes thats as far as it goes, in fact most of the time thats as far as it goes. Hmm...yeah. Interesting. Kinda. Sorta. Eh.

Well its late again. Maybe more on this later, me?

weee

I'm pretty sure its just my hormones being loopy, but I'm quite giddy at the moment.

Augh, switching from all these emotions all the time garrrrr ah well might as well enjoy the ride, what else can I do.........................

To think of things like daffodils and peaceful sheep on clovered hills
The morning sun, the weeper wills, and
you'll see the face that i love
think of any old stag getting ready to drag
down comes the rain
but it's raining confetti!!!
...then think of things like
far off isles
to blue green eyes, and sunlit smiles
and in your hand
the wishing star
the one you thought too far above
every lovely view introduces you
to the face I love...............................................................the place I love^

lfsdfasfg

Well, I guess I feel more...settled about everything. Resigned, or something, at least. I was beating myself up for no reason. I shouldn't let things get to me so easily, its silly and pointless. Why do I insist on forgetting this?

Eh. Eh. Eh.

I just gotta focus on the present and stop lamenting about all my losses...because THERES NO USE CRYING OVER SPILLED MILK AM I RIGHT?

but seriously again

I've decided I'll try to be a little more productive than just sitting there and taking it, internalizing it all and then not eating and killing myself slowly. Just a little bit more productive than that...

 I forget theres always openly communicating about things. Heh. So we shall see. I have all these random theories as to why things are happening the way they are......I feel so split up...

I'm tired but I don't want to sleep, and when I do I don't sleep for long.. I'm developing insomnia I think. Woah. Weird.

why can't I just be......there.....

So winter's come
And summer's fall
Time is just a whisper
In a waterfall

Forever now
Forever now
Every road I wander
Brings me back here
Next to you

Be still my love
And close your eyes
Don't say a word
No hows or whys

Everything I need, within me
All the dreams I've dreamed, are true
And all the starry skies, inside me
When I'm next to you.................

(steve hiller version preferred)

Surprise, surprise...

Through a lack of eating or drinking much of anything the last few days or week or whatever, plus all the emotional strain I've been under, I have managed to make myself physically sick as well. I feel so gross. I feel lesser than the slimy residue beneath rocks; at least it feeds other tiny brainless organisms. I'm apparently not worth anything of the sort, it'd be best if I was sterilized and sent away to a prison camp somewhere to make car doors or something.

Can you tell how low my level of self worth is? How dare I even give myself the privilege of accessing the internet to write in a blog about my own worthless, stupid, made up problems? I'm too inept to even use the internet. I'm not worth being in a relationship with. Not at all. I'm far too inferior, in pretty much every way. The only use I serve, perhaps, is to cart others of more significance around and get them shit they want.  But only until they find someone better I would guess. Or perhaps less beaten down and broken. Or maybe more. I don't know.

I try to give, give, give, not really expecting much in return. Just seeing another person satisfied in some way is enough. Now maybe thats sick in some ways....... and I'm not at all saying I'm a good person for being altruistic. Its just another adaptation humans developed over time as a new strategy for survival. However, receiving insult in the place of thanks and in between everything else... I don't know how to handle that very well. I guess my default way of handling everything is just to be incredibly stupid about it all. Or at the very least to think that I'm being incredibly stupid about it all and then act accordingly or get so discouraged that I give up before even trying. Yup.

Evolutionarily speaking, it wouldn't make sense to continue giving to someone who doesn't give you what you want in return (with the assumption this is an isolated altruistic activity that will not be seen by anyone else who might be of benefit to you). But...thinking about it, I do get what I want back - as I said above - another person's satisfaction does it for me. Gives me that little chip of self-worth to add to my pile I guess. So, that is still being fulfilled......but at the same time, chip by chip, my self worth is being decimated.

So I have a few options. I can continue doing what I'm doing. Give and gain +1 self worth, and get back -10 self worth....I could try to give even more and hopefully increase the amount of self worth I gain from it...counter the negative get back....

Or I could just quit the game. I don't want to give up on anyone though! I still care! About them!

Well I seem to suck at everything so I'll probably do whats easiest and continue doing what I'm doing. Maybe slowly get myself out of it. Or die first. Who knows.

Whoo for melodramatic bullshit.

to blame

What does it even matter? The fact that I know, have always known, in the back of my head and now moreso in the front, that I've been manipulated? Completely, utterly, lead on.

 Fuck if it mattered I'd just been raped a few months previously, and prior to and after that manipulated & forced into sex, deceived on multiple occasions by those I trusted and some of which I'd known for most of my life, hurt physically and emotionally....and before that even my whole life having been hurt, lost, and in denial of some very traumatic experiences in general.

Actually, that did matter, because that's what made all this possible. Like a cheetah singling out the weakest gazelle in the herd. A cheetah who is even more in denial than I am, so much so he can't even see how he's exactly like everyone else.

But...in the land where everything is meaningless what does it matter?

It doesn't.

Awesome.

Even though theres a good chance I'm incredibly sick, I'm still not going to blame.

burn baby burn

I felt like I almost went totally crazy today. Maybe I've always been crazy and just believed others who said I wasn't.

My moms the main one i think...but hell if she isn't crazy too.

Well, I guess I'll never know. Because even if I am "crazy" who can actually diagnose me? Isn't everyone just as potentially nuts, albeit in their own special way of course.

Hey at least theres that, I'm crazy in my own special little way. Dawwwww....

fsdkfjsfksj

I meant to post something in here all day. Today was mostly positive. Revivified after some good ol' fashioned psychotherapy. I realized that some things that I'd started to think we wrong in my life were just fine the way they were....and possibly better than they were. So many things....like how so much I want to be that unrelenting positive force. I don't care if its foolish or hopeless or anything I'm gonna be the one that keeps beating against solid brick walls with my bare fists, slowly wearing it down one fist at a time!

FISTS OF AWESOME!
FISTS OF JOY!!!!!

another blog title...

Its getting easier again, being alone. Thank goodness! I can achieve that old balance I had before. Well I guess it wasn't really hard to be alone in and of itself, it was just that I always craved to be around someone else...and now thats going away. Ok that sounds wrong too. What I mean is, it has become possible again to be happy and not feel the happiness compromised by the urge to share it with someone else. I can just BE happy. And also want to share it with someone else, at the same time, without anything being compromised! Thats how it should be....its how it was. Things have just gotten out of control. Instead of becoming obsessed with drugs or alcohol or food I was obsessed with relationships....

Its funny, I know that no matter what I say in here there's no way it can be taken exactly the way I mean it to be taken by anyone else reading....and it makes me think about how really no one can know who is sane or insane when it comes down to it because we all have different standards by which to judge such. Same goes for intelligence or really any other personal trait.

So uh...I'm not a very definitive person. Hah!!

And I will love to see the day.....

its 4:30 am

.....and all but one person in our house is awake. The sun hasn't even risen yet,  2 people are just waking up and at least 4 family members have yet to fall asleep.At least 3 people are in line to use the shower at this godawful hour.......odd.


I'm eating more lasagna, the only food I will eat for the next few days. That and this bag of Doritos right here.

Tonight was a fun night. My mind started playing thousands of tricks on me again. Shadows bloomed out of nowhere, bursting into my view in suggestive, looming shapes....dashing across the street right ahead of me, crawling, jittering, and slinking into and out of my sight. Trees with faces twisted in pain, black spirits hovering, clinging to their branches, which are full of tiny imps with crazed eyes. As I drive away....I look into the rear view mirror and a menacing stranger grimaces at me, in a panic I clench the wheel and try to reorient myself to the idea that he's not really there, saying "hail Mary...." softly or just in my head, blinking, looking back again and seeing that he's gone....only to reappear again when I'm off guard again. Deep, dense black holes full of some immense energy open up on street signs, in the dividers on either side of the freeway.....horrible dark monstrosities brace themselves, ready to spring onto my car and wrench off the doors to get at me.....a dark, menacing grimace from the back seat, my seat belt tightens as I catch myself tensing and throwing myself forward against the wheel in a moment of total fear....and then with another shock imagine losing control of the car, the windshield shattering and piercing through my chest, my face, my eyes..........the car crashes, I'm shrouded in blackness, the demons and shadow creatures slither up and consume me......the grimacing man smiles and yet its as menacing as the grimace....

Thats the most I've ever described some of what I see at night. Sometimes during the day, but definitely more so at night. I've always just thought it was an overactive imagination combined with my panic attack stuff....

Alright thats all I wanted to get down for now. Bed time...

up for being up cont...

So this is to continue my thoughts from yesterday. So the blog entry before the blog entry before this one.

I don't think its bad to be focused on the present, as I can be. Not usually anyway. I think thats generally a good way to live life, as much as possible. Its inevitable that a person will, at times, get lost thinking about past traumas, or past good times, and get stuck pondering about future problems or dreams, and sure sometimes its necessary to plan ahead or think about past things in order to better understand your present self....but the more you can just enjoy yourself on a day to day basis, well, the more you WILL enjoy yourself on a day to day basis. Heh. How else can you? All the good memories you have probably come from when you were able to focus on whatever great was happening in the present moment anyway! If you're stuck thinking about past events when you're out on the town with someone its not going to be that great of a time...unless the whole point of the evening was to sit and reminisce on awesome old times I guess?? hahhaha always leave room for exceptions...

but still, if you think about it, generally you have the best times when you just relax and take in whats going on around you right then and there. Its hard sometimes for me to see why its hard for people to do this. Yeah, I've got a lot of issues to deal with from my past, and mostly when I'm alone, I think about them and try and sort them out with my therapist and stuff like that. And I guess....with some people the past just always seems to be getting in the way....when you're with them its like a trigger to upsetting memories, ways of responding, feeling, etc...well what the hell do you do then?? Not be around that person anymore? I'd like to think its just a matter of healing the upsets.....................and moving on.

And yea, maybe i do have too much faith in a person's ability to "change." I know I'm changing though, because I am me, and I'm becoming more and more aware of whats going on with me...

And because of this I never want to abandon any friend I make. I always give a person the benefit of the doubt. If I can heal, they can heal...we can rebuild our relationships...and they can take all the time they need, no rush, I wouldn't ever assume they would heal in the same manner I do, or in the same time frame (not to imply I heal faster or slower).  Maybe they'll never heal, per se, or maybe itll take until after I'm dead and gone, but thats ok too. I can still care for them, and enjoy being with them in some way...if they want to. If they don't want...I will try and accept the loss of a friend as best I can...but I'll always care for them. We all have different ways of processing things, potentially...and thats fine. Thats just how it is. I know soon I'm going to figure out how to contact a couple people I've had trauma with and get complete with it. [Grr something about this paragraph feels incomplete in itself. Perhaps I'll reexamine it later and write a whole nother blog about it hah.]

 ....And even the most fucked up people I know, and the ones that have hurt me the deepest...I still love. I still worry about their well being, and wish I could be there for them to comfort them and be a true friend to them. Even if they stab you in the back a million times, or take advantage of you when you're at your most vulnerable...its ultimately all ok with me. I love them. I love people. I love everything. I'm just so overwhelmed to know that I can know so much! I can be in touch with so many things in my life, trivial or significant. Its all so inspiring to me!!

Even amidst all the pain and loss...the love in me is so much stronger...and I'm taken aback by how it differs with so many other people. But even though I can see their world is one of mostly darkness and pain, and I can relate with those parts of me that are also full of pain and dark...theres still all that light, all the joy and lively energy from merely existing to counter it and make even the bad times seem....not so bad at all....

How can I possibly be down to be down with all that inside me? I just.....love.

People tell me all the time how naive I am...how childish or simple minded I can be. Well its definitely true in a lot of ways, and I dont think thats a bad thing really. What makes being an adult human being better than being a child human being anyway? We're still all just animals when it comes down to it. And who is to say is the wiser, an adult who hates his life or the child who loves it? I feel as though I have the best of both worlds, or well, have the potential to have the best of both worlds, eventually.

I can be the carefree child and the confident wise woman.....

I'm working on it.

,,,

Wow its getting early again....

I have nothing to say, as I'm all tuckered out for the evening. Just felt a little bad leaving the last entry the way it was...my brothers birthday took up all of my time today. Up until the last two minutes when I fixed myself a little before bedtime snack....

I had to talk someone down from a panic attack tonight. Someone whose been through some similar stuff to mine. Similar personality traits, except she wasn't lucky to be born into a family with a bunch of boys to protect her and was unlucky enough to encounter many more bad people than I....

i have to pee RIGHT NOW

I find it interesting how easy it is for me to ignore the bad things in my life when others seem to have so much more trouble doing so. I'm not really sure why I'm so good at that, or how good it is that I am good at it...but it sure is nice not having to be insanely depressed all the time.

And I guess it makes me a bit of an asshole to be around, sometimes. I guess because I'm not down to be down all the time i can be rude when others are. My mom thinks its a sign of maturity. Heh.  I'm not so sure. Obviously I'm really good at distracting myself, and probably not so good at dealing with whatever problems I may actually have. Hmm, definitely related. Yeah. And if my unwillingness to deal with shit extends when I'm with other people...well thats just awful. I don't want to be that inconsiderate person who just ignores how others are feeling...but...am I? Maybe...or maybe I'm just being paranoid. I would imagine if I was such a person I wouldn't be worried about it....or maybe I would and it wouldn't stop me from being inconsiderate AHHHH......


Hehe...down for being down. I'm totally up for being up! Yeaaah! Its really easy for me to just get lost in the moment. Whatevers present I mean. If I'm driving I'll roll the windows down and just let the air whip my hair around and I can be completely swept away in bliss. Even if just moments before I was in a rut. I guess thats not always true....

Aw shiz I'm gettin cut short. Ill get back to this entry. Its my brothers birthday today! More family time!

back to numb square square to numb dead freakin fun times

Well! Obviously I've been avoiding a bunch of shit because it all came rushing out at me today. Well, not all of it. Probably just some of it.

What a horrendous time of it. No wonder I chose to ignore it for so long. I can't decide if I want to cry or just evaporate.

Truly I know what it feels like to dissociate. No doubt about it. As if there ever was...




Fuck. I'm fucked up. A-duh I can't be with anyone else, I'm way too messed, who the hell was I foolin? No one but myself really. And everywhere I go I see this face...










He'd be celebrating his 3rd birthday right around now....

when will i be strong enough? when can all this distance be bridged?

Its becoming all the more stark...

I can't be with anyone right now. I want to so badly. And that's part of why I can't.

Its too incomplete....this search for completeness in another person...

Yet seeing all this unhappiness in the ones I love...its killing me. I just want to be!! I just want to be!!! But its too late, my being depends on someone else now. What do you want from me? Just tell me, please...what will make you happy? I'd give anything if I could make it so. How can I prove to you that I actually care?

So...no relationships for me, its all too broken....

It feels like I'm in love with a black hole....maybe I should just let it crush me into nothing...

..........would that take away all this pain?

what can i do................?

another one in the same day!?

I just have so much washing through me right now it seemed as though I could write more. I like keeping my blog posts sorta on one topic...and not have some massive rambling lame piece about a bunch of different things all mushed together.

Although realistically this whole things already like that heh. It feels kinda silly to be blogging about myself like this anyway. But I'm going to overlook that stupid self conscious thought and keep doing it, with the hope that it is in some way cathartic.

Well, I guess this one I wanted to mention how I'm feeling overall right now:

Pretty sad. But...hopeful...maybe...I'm trying to be anyway. I want things to get better and better and better!! For everyone I care for....some more than others...but really everyone. Because I think I'd feel so much better then too, to be simple and childish about it again.

Is it bad or selfish that I am happier around people who are so unhappy, people who I have just added burdens to by being myself around them, just because I love being with them? That I want to continue to be with them even if its not good for them? If it gets in their way of healing themselves?

There really truly is a strong pull to be, to really, fully be, with someone. Ultimately, its everyone, but its also rather specific. Weird.

And as I learn more about depth psychology I'm going to learn that I have a HUUUUGE mother complex and all sorts of other things I'm sure. haha.

I also know that now I have a better opportunity to do what I've probably been avoiding doing for a large part lately: working more on myself. Hence, I blog.

As I said, I'm pretty sad...

coldcoldcold. must remember this is just personal blogginess

 

I am super cold right now. And there's a warm, aching pressure over my right ear from when I was leaning my head into my hand. My necks also all twisted and shaking as I lean on my right elbow and type. My hands are a little numb. My face feels like it usually feels...gross. And my nose is cold too. I can easily ignore all those things but its always interesting to describe such moment to moment sort of stuff and then read about it later, imagining the physical scene again...

I haven't talked much about how much I hate my face in here. A lot of the time I am really aware of how ugly it feels to me...just this constant little thought worming itself into my present reality sporadically throughout the day. Its a stupid feeling, I know, and pointless. But its there. Its something I've readjusted my entire world around, in a way. Sometimes I feel fine, even great, about how I look, usually in relation to how I'm feeling. If I'm feeling like the world is beautiful, then I feel beautiful. But then I will feel my face, or see it reflected somewhere...and that feeling evaporates.  Its weird, and it will forever best be summed up from that paragraph in The Little Locksmith:

"....I looked in the mirror, and was horror-struck because I did not recognize myself. In the place where I was standing, with that persistent romantic elation in me, as if I were a favored fortunate person to whom everything was possible, I saw a stranger, a little, pitiable, hideous figure, and a face that became, as I stared at it, painful and blushing with shame. It was only a disguise, but it was on me, for life. It was there, it was there, it was real. Every one of those encounters was like a blow on the head. They left me dazed and dumb and senseless every time, until slowly and stubbornly my robust persistent illusion of well-being and of personal beauty spread all through me again, and I forgot the irrelevant reality and was all unprepared and vulnerable again..."

And I think I really do know how I look...a lot of people find my face attractive, even beautiful. But I think its not a typical kind of beautiful, its limited and warped and eh maybe only from a certain angle and only at specific times during the day. Its just weird....... Heh. Ok. Uhh...so maybe I'll never be able to really know how I look. I mean... I know it doesn't make sense at all for me to hate on myself for my physical attributes. I know its completely pointless and silly etc etc but I STILL DO IT. Sometimes. Not all the time. But its always a risk when there's a mirror around. It feels like something that will never change but I'd like to be optimistic...and think it just hasn't changed yet. Maybe I should just live in a house void of any reflective surface and never take photos of myself...yes...too bad my house is full of mirrors everywhere that capture every ugly angle of my face ever. And even then if other people make comments, good or bad, about my appearance I'm likely to become salient of it all again anyway. Hahaha this is all so pathetic.

Tying to be vain. A little phototherapy?

Its sad that my self esteem, at this point, is more effected by the idea that my self esteem is effected by this crap. Why do I insist on being so stupid about this? Why do I give into these superficial feelings about how I look? Its just ingrained in me and no matter how smart I actually am I can't stop being stupid about this! Bleh.

So to be diagnostic yea I do have some level of BDD, I feel far uglier than I may actually be. And it does extend beyond my face, though my face is the trigger and the biggest part of me that I become fixated on for sure. For a long while and even now to a lesser extent it stopped me from dressing certain ways and socializing as much as I might have (although for both of these things my BDD was only a part of the reason).

So there are my current thoughts about my physical self I guess. I'm sure I could ramble on in length about all the ugly things about myself but I believe I've captured the essence enough already.

This is the most pitiful blog entry. I hate the fact that I feel that it is though, because it just continues to show that I'm comparing myself to something or someone or even just the idea that I should be better than all this. That I shouldnt feel the way I do. I have to remember that ultimately it just IS how I feel and theres nothing I can do about it and no reason to be ashamed about it either....