Its getting easier again, being alone. Thank goodness! I can achieve that old balance I had before. Well I guess it wasn't really hard to be alone in and of itself, it was just that I always craved to be around someone else...and now thats going away. Ok that sounds wrong too. What I mean is, it has become possible again to be happy and not feel the happiness compromised by the urge to share it with someone else. I can just BE happy. And also want to share it with someone else, at the same time, without anything being compromised! Thats how it should be....its how it was. Things have just gotten out of control. Instead of becoming obsessed with drugs or alcohol or food I was obsessed with relationships....
Its funny, I know that no matter what I say in here there's no way it can be taken exactly the way I mean it to be taken by anyone else reading....and it makes me think about how really no one can know who is sane or insane when it comes down to it because we all have different standards by which to judge such. Same goes for intelligence or really any other personal trait.
So uh...I'm not a very definitive person. Hah!!
And I will love to see the day.....
Monday, October 11, 2010
its 4:30 am
.....and all but one person in our house is awake. The sun hasn't even risen yet, 2 people are just waking up and at least 4 family members have yet to fall asleep.At least 3 people are in line to use the shower at this godawful hour.......odd.
I'm eating more lasagna, the only food I will eat for the next few days. That and this bag of Doritos right here.
Tonight was a fun night. My mind started playing thousands of tricks on me again. Shadows bloomed out of nowhere, bursting into my view in suggestive, looming shapes....dashing across the street right ahead of me, crawling, jittering, and slinking into and out of my sight. Trees with faces twisted in pain, black spirits hovering, clinging to their branches, which are full of tiny imps with crazed eyes. As I drive away....I look into the rear view mirror and a menacing stranger grimaces at me, in a panic I clench the wheel and try to reorient myself to the idea that he's not really there, saying "hail Mary...." softly or just in my head, blinking, looking back again and seeing that he's gone....only to reappear again when I'm off guard again. Deep, dense black holes full of some immense energy open up on street signs, in the dividers on either side of the freeway.....horrible dark monstrosities brace themselves, ready to spring onto my car and wrench off the doors to get at me.....a dark, menacing grimace from the back seat, my seat belt tightens as I catch myself tensing and throwing myself forward against the wheel in a moment of total fear....and then with another shock imagine losing control of the car, the windshield shattering and piercing through my chest, my face, my eyes..........the car crashes, I'm shrouded in blackness, the demons and shadow creatures slither up and consume me......the grimacing man smiles and yet its as menacing as the grimace....
Thats the most I've ever described some of what I see at night. Sometimes during the day, but definitely more so at night. I've always just thought it was an overactive imagination combined with my panic attack stuff....
Alright thats all I wanted to get down for now. Bed time...
I'm eating more lasagna, the only food I will eat for the next few days. That and this bag of Doritos right here.
Tonight was a fun night. My mind started playing thousands of tricks on me again. Shadows bloomed out of nowhere, bursting into my view in suggestive, looming shapes....dashing across the street right ahead of me, crawling, jittering, and slinking into and out of my sight. Trees with faces twisted in pain, black spirits hovering, clinging to their branches, which are full of tiny imps with crazed eyes. As I drive away....I look into the rear view mirror and a menacing stranger grimaces at me, in a panic I clench the wheel and try to reorient myself to the idea that he's not really there, saying "hail Mary...." softly or just in my head, blinking, looking back again and seeing that he's gone....only to reappear again when I'm off guard again. Deep, dense black holes full of some immense energy open up on street signs, in the dividers on either side of the freeway.....horrible dark monstrosities brace themselves, ready to spring onto my car and wrench off the doors to get at me.....a dark, menacing grimace from the back seat, my seat belt tightens as I catch myself tensing and throwing myself forward against the wheel in a moment of total fear....and then with another shock imagine losing control of the car, the windshield shattering and piercing through my chest, my face, my eyes..........the car crashes, I'm shrouded in blackness, the demons and shadow creatures slither up and consume me......the grimacing man smiles and yet its as menacing as the grimace....
Thats the most I've ever described some of what I see at night. Sometimes during the day, but definitely more so at night. I've always just thought it was an overactive imagination combined with my panic attack stuff....
Alright thats all I wanted to get down for now. Bed time...
Sunday, October 10, 2010
up for being up cont...
So this is to continue my thoughts from yesterday. So the blog entry before the blog entry before this one.
I don't think its bad to be focused on the present, as I can be. Not usually anyway. I think thats generally a good way to live life, as much as possible. Its inevitable that a person will, at times, get lost thinking about past traumas, or past good times, and get stuck pondering about future problems or dreams, and sure sometimes its necessary to plan ahead or think about past things in order to better understand your present self....but the more you can just enjoy yourself on a day to day basis, well, the more you WILL enjoy yourself on a day to day basis. Heh. How else can you? All the good memories you have probably come from when you were able to focus on whatever great was happening in the present moment anyway! If you're stuck thinking about past events when you're out on the town with someone its not going to be that great of a time...unless the whole point of the evening was to sit and reminisce on awesome old times I guess?? hahhaha always leave room for exceptions...
but still, if you think about it, generally you have the best times when you just relax and take in whats going on around you right then and there. Its hard sometimes for me to see why its hard for people to do this. Yeah, I've got a lot of issues to deal with from my past, and mostly when I'm alone, I think about them and try and sort them out with my therapist and stuff like that. And I guess....with some people the past just always seems to be getting in the way....when you're with them its like a trigger to upsetting memories, ways of responding, feeling, etc...well what the hell do you do then?? Not be around that person anymore? I'd like to think its just a matter of healing the upsets.....................and moving on.
And yea, maybe i do have too much faith in a person's ability to "change." I know I'm changing though, because I am me, and I'm becoming more and more aware of whats going on with me...
And because of this I never want to abandon any friend I make. I always give a person the benefit of the doubt. If I can heal, they can heal...we can rebuild our relationships...and they can take all the time they need, no rush, I wouldn't ever assume they would heal in the same manner I do, or in the same time frame (not to imply I heal faster or slower). Maybe they'll never heal, per se, or maybe itll take until after I'm dead and gone, but thats ok too. I can still care for them, and enjoy being with them in some way...if they want to. If they don't want...I will try and accept the loss of a friend as best I can...but I'll always care for them. We all have different ways of processing things, potentially...and thats fine. Thats just how it is. I know soon I'm going to figure out how to contact a couple people I've had trauma with and get complete with it. [Grr something about this paragraph feels incomplete in itself. Perhaps I'll reexamine it later and write a whole nother blog about it hah.]
....And even the most fucked up people I know, and the ones that have hurt me the deepest...I still love. I still worry about their well being, and wish I could be there for them to comfort them and be a true friend to them. Even if they stab you in the back a million times, or take advantage of you when you're at your most vulnerable...its ultimately all ok with me. I love them. I love people. I love everything. I'm just so overwhelmed to know that I can know so much! I can be in touch with so many things in my life, trivial or significant. Its all so inspiring to me!!
Even amidst all the pain and loss...the love in me is so much stronger...and I'm taken aback by how it differs with so many other people. But even though I can see their world is one of mostly darkness and pain, and I can relate with those parts of me that are also full of pain and dark...theres still all that light, all the joy and lively energy from merely existing to counter it and make even the bad times seem....not so bad at all....
How can I possibly be down to be down with all that inside me? I just.....love.
People tell me all the time how naive I am...how childish or simple minded I can be. Well its definitely true in a lot of ways, and I dont think thats a bad thing really. What makes being an adult human being better than being a child human being anyway? We're still all just animals when it comes down to it. And who is to say is the wiser, an adult who hates his life or the child who loves it? I feel as though I have the best of both worlds, or well, have the potential to have the best of both worlds, eventually.
I can be the carefree child and the confident wise woman.....
I'm working on it.
I don't think its bad to be focused on the present, as I can be. Not usually anyway. I think thats generally a good way to live life, as much as possible. Its inevitable that a person will, at times, get lost thinking about past traumas, or past good times, and get stuck pondering about future problems or dreams, and sure sometimes its necessary to plan ahead or think about past things in order to better understand your present self....but the more you can just enjoy yourself on a day to day basis, well, the more you WILL enjoy yourself on a day to day basis. Heh. How else can you? All the good memories you have probably come from when you were able to focus on whatever great was happening in the present moment anyway! If you're stuck thinking about past events when you're out on the town with someone its not going to be that great of a time...unless the whole point of the evening was to sit and reminisce on awesome old times I guess?? hahhaha always leave room for exceptions...
but still, if you think about it, generally you have the best times when you just relax and take in whats going on around you right then and there. Its hard sometimes for me to see why its hard for people to do this. Yeah, I've got a lot of issues to deal with from my past, and mostly when I'm alone, I think about them and try and sort them out with my therapist and stuff like that. And I guess....with some people the past just always seems to be getting in the way....when you're with them its like a trigger to upsetting memories, ways of responding, feeling, etc...well what the hell do you do then?? Not be around that person anymore? I'd like to think its just a matter of healing the upsets.....................and moving on.
And yea, maybe i do have too much faith in a person's ability to "change." I know I'm changing though, because I am me, and I'm becoming more and more aware of whats going on with me...
And because of this I never want to abandon any friend I make. I always give a person the benefit of the doubt. If I can heal, they can heal...we can rebuild our relationships...and they can take all the time they need, no rush, I wouldn't ever assume they would heal in the same manner I do, or in the same time frame (not to imply I heal faster or slower). Maybe they'll never heal, per se, or maybe itll take until after I'm dead and gone, but thats ok too. I can still care for them, and enjoy being with them in some way...if they want to. If they don't want...I will try and accept the loss of a friend as best I can...but I'll always care for them. We all have different ways of processing things, potentially...and thats fine. Thats just how it is. I know soon I'm going to figure out how to contact a couple people I've had trauma with and get complete with it. [Grr something about this paragraph feels incomplete in itself. Perhaps I'll reexamine it later and write a whole nother blog about it hah.]
....And even the most fucked up people I know, and the ones that have hurt me the deepest...I still love. I still worry about their well being, and wish I could be there for them to comfort them and be a true friend to them. Even if they stab you in the back a million times, or take advantage of you when you're at your most vulnerable...its ultimately all ok with me. I love them. I love people. I love everything. I'm just so overwhelmed to know that I can know so much! I can be in touch with so many things in my life, trivial or significant. Its all so inspiring to me!!
Even amidst all the pain and loss...the love in me is so much stronger...and I'm taken aback by how it differs with so many other people. But even though I can see their world is one of mostly darkness and pain, and I can relate with those parts of me that are also full of pain and dark...theres still all that light, all the joy and lively energy from merely existing to counter it and make even the bad times seem....not so bad at all....
How can I possibly be down to be down with all that inside me? I just.....love.
People tell me all the time how naive I am...how childish or simple minded I can be. Well its definitely true in a lot of ways, and I dont think thats a bad thing really. What makes being an adult human being better than being a child human being anyway? We're still all just animals when it comes down to it. And who is to say is the wiser, an adult who hates his life or the child who loves it? I feel as though I have the best of both worlds, or well, have the potential to have the best of both worlds, eventually.
I can be the carefree child and the confident wise woman.....
I'm working on it.
,,,
Wow its getting early again....
I have nothing to say, as I'm all tuckered out for the evening. Just felt a little bad leaving the last entry the way it was...my brothers birthday took up all of my time today. Up until the last two minutes when I fixed myself a little before bedtime snack....
I had to talk someone down from a panic attack tonight. Someone whose been through some similar stuff to mine. Similar personality traits, except she wasn't lucky to be born into a family with a bunch of boys to protect her and was unlucky enough to encounter many more bad people than I....
I have nothing to say, as I'm all tuckered out for the evening. Just felt a little bad leaving the last entry the way it was...my brothers birthday took up all of my time today. Up until the last two minutes when I fixed myself a little before bedtime snack....
I had to talk someone down from a panic attack tonight. Someone whose been through some similar stuff to mine. Similar personality traits, except she wasn't lucky to be born into a family with a bunch of boys to protect her and was unlucky enough to encounter many more bad people than I....
Saturday, October 9, 2010
i have to pee RIGHT NOW
I find it interesting how easy it is for me to ignore the bad things in my life when others seem to have so much more trouble doing so. I'm not really sure why I'm so good at that, or how good it is that I am good at it...but it sure is nice not having to be insanely depressed all the time.
And I guess it makes me a bit of an asshole to be around, sometimes. I guess because I'm not down to be down all the time i can be rude when others are. My mom thinks its a sign of maturity. Heh. I'm not so sure. Obviously I'm really good at distracting myself, and probably not so good at dealing with whatever problems I may actually have. Hmm, definitely related. Yeah. And if my unwillingness to deal with shit extends when I'm with other people...well thats just awful. I don't want to be that inconsiderate person who just ignores how others are feeling...but...am I? Maybe...or maybe I'm just being paranoid. I would imagine if I was such a person I wouldn't be worried about it....or maybe I would and it wouldn't stop me from being inconsiderate AHHHH......
Hehe...down for being down. I'm totally up for being up! Yeaaah! Its really easy for me to just get lost in the moment. Whatevers present I mean. If I'm driving I'll roll the windows down and just let the air whip my hair around and I can be completely swept away in bliss. Even if just moments before I was in a rut. I guess thats not always true....
Aw shiz I'm gettin cut short. Ill get back to this entry. Its my brothers birthday today! More family time!
And I guess it makes me a bit of an asshole to be around, sometimes. I guess because I'm not down to be down all the time i can be rude when others are. My mom thinks its a sign of maturity. Heh. I'm not so sure. Obviously I'm really good at distracting myself, and probably not so good at dealing with whatever problems I may actually have. Hmm, definitely related. Yeah. And if my unwillingness to deal with shit extends when I'm with other people...well thats just awful. I don't want to be that inconsiderate person who just ignores how others are feeling...but...am I? Maybe...or maybe I'm just being paranoid. I would imagine if I was such a person I wouldn't be worried about it....or maybe I would and it wouldn't stop me from being inconsiderate AHHHH......
Hehe...down for being down. I'm totally up for being up! Yeaaah! Its really easy for me to just get lost in the moment. Whatevers present I mean. If I'm driving I'll roll the windows down and just let the air whip my hair around and I can be completely swept away in bliss. Even if just moments before I was in a rut. I guess thats not always true....
Aw shiz I'm gettin cut short. Ill get back to this entry. Its my brothers birthday today! More family time!
Thursday, October 7, 2010
back to numb square square to numb dead freakin fun times
Well! Obviously I've been avoiding a bunch of shit because it all came rushing out at me today. Well, not all of it. Probably just some of it.
What a horrendous time of it. No wonder I chose to ignore it for so long. I can't decide if I want to cry or just evaporate.
Truly I know what it feels like to dissociate. No doubt about it. As if there ever was...
Fuck. I'm fucked up. A-duh I can't be with anyone else, I'm way too messed, who the hell was I foolin? No one but myself really. And everywhere I go I see this face...
He'd be celebrating his 3rd birthday right around now....
What a horrendous time of it. No wonder I chose to ignore it for so long. I can't decide if I want to cry or just evaporate.
Truly I know what it feels like to dissociate. No doubt about it. As if there ever was...
Fuck. I'm fucked up. A-duh I can't be with anyone else, I'm way too messed, who the hell was I foolin? No one but myself really. And everywhere I go I see this face...
He'd be celebrating his 3rd birthday right around now....
Wednesday, October 6, 2010
when will i be strong enough? when can all this distance be bridged?
Its becoming all the more stark...
I can't be with anyone right now. I want to so badly. And that's part of why I can't.
Its too incomplete....this search for completeness in another person...
Yet seeing all this unhappiness in the ones I love...its killing me. I just want to be!! I just want to be!!! But its too late, my being depends on someone else now. What do you want from me? Just tell me, please...what will make you happy? I'd give anything if I could make it so. How can I prove to you that I actually care?
So...no relationships for me, its all too broken....
It feels like I'm in love with a black hole....maybe I should just let it crush me into nothing...
..........would that take away all this pain?
what can i do................?
I can't be with anyone right now. I want to so badly. And that's part of why I can't.
Its too incomplete....this search for completeness in another person...
Yet seeing all this unhappiness in the ones I love...its killing me. I just want to be!! I just want to be!!! But its too late, my being depends on someone else now. What do you want from me? Just tell me, please...what will make you happy? I'd give anything if I could make it so. How can I prove to you that I actually care?
So...no relationships for me, its all too broken....
It feels like I'm in love with a black hole....maybe I should just let it crush me into nothing...
..........would that take away all this pain?
what can i do................?
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