I just have so much washing through me right now it seemed as though I could write more. I like keeping my blog posts sorta on one topic...and not have some massive rambling lame piece about a bunch of different things all mushed together.
Although realistically this whole things already like that heh. It feels kinda silly to be blogging about myself like this anyway. But I'm going to overlook that stupid self conscious thought and keep doing it, with the hope that it is in some way cathartic.
Well, I guess this one I wanted to mention how I'm feeling overall right now:
Pretty sad. But...hopeful...maybe...I'm trying to be anyway. I want things to get better and better and better!! For everyone I care for....some more than others...but really everyone. Because I think I'd feel so much better then too, to be simple and childish about it again.
Is it bad or selfish that I am happier around people who are so unhappy, people who I have just added burdens to by being myself around them, just because I love being with them? That I want to continue to be with them even if its not good for them? If it gets in their way of healing themselves?
There really truly is a strong pull to be, to really, fully be, with someone. Ultimately, its everyone, but its also rather specific. Weird.
And as I learn more about depth psychology I'm going to learn that I have a HUUUUGE mother complex and all sorts of other things I'm sure. haha.
I also know that now I have a better opportunity to do what I've probably been avoiding doing for a large part lately: working more on myself. Hence, I blog.
As I said, I'm pretty sad...
Tuesday, October 5, 2010
coldcoldcold. must remember this is just personal blogginess
I am super cold right now. And there's a warm, aching pressure over my right ear from when I was leaning my head into my hand. My necks also all twisted and shaking as I lean on my right elbow and type. My hands are a little numb. My face feels like it usually feels...gross. And my nose is cold too. I can easily ignore all those things but its always interesting to describe such moment to moment sort of stuff and then read about it later, imagining the physical scene again...
I haven't talked much about how much I hate my face in here. A lot of the time I am really aware of how ugly it feels to me...just this constant little thought worming itself into my present reality sporadically throughout the day. Its a stupid feeling, I know, and pointless. But its there. Its something I've readjusted my entire world around, in a way. Sometimes I feel fine, even great, about how I look, usually in relation to how I'm feeling. If I'm feeling like the world is beautiful, then I feel beautiful. But then I will feel my face, or see it reflected somewhere...and that feeling evaporates. Its weird, and it will forever best be summed up from that paragraph in The Little Locksmith:
"....I looked in the mirror, and was horror-struck because I did not recognize myself. In the place where I was standing, with that persistent romantic elation in me, as if I were a favored fortunate person to whom everything was possible, I saw a stranger, a little, pitiable, hideous figure, and a face that became, as I stared at it, painful and blushing with shame. It was only a disguise, but it was on me, for life. It was there, it was there, it was real. Every one of those encounters was like a blow on the head. They left me dazed and dumb and senseless every time, until slowly and stubbornly my robust persistent illusion of well-being and of personal beauty spread all through me again, and I forgot the irrelevant reality and was all unprepared and vulnerable again..."
And I think I really do know how I look...a lot of people find my face attractive, even beautiful. But I think its not a typical kind of beautiful, its limited and warped and eh maybe only from a certain angle and only at specific times during the day. Its just weird....... Heh. Ok. Uhh...so maybe I'll never be able to really know how I look. I mean... I know it doesn't make sense at all for me to hate on myself for my physical attributes. I know its completely pointless and silly etc etc but I STILL DO IT. Sometimes. Not all the time. But its always a risk when there's a mirror around. It feels like something that will never change but I'd like to be optimistic...and think it just hasn't changed yet. Maybe I should just live in a house void of any reflective surface and never take photos of myself...yes...too bad my house is full of mirrors everywhere that capture every ugly angle of my face ever. And even then if other people make comments, good or bad, about my appearance I'm likely to become salient of it all again anyway. Hahaha this is all so pathetic.
Tying to be vain. A little phototherapy?
Its sad that my self esteem, at this point, is more effected by the idea that my self esteem is effected by this crap. Why do I insist on being so stupid about this? Why do I give into these superficial feelings about how I look? Its just ingrained in me and no matter how smart I actually am I can't stop being stupid about this! Bleh.
So to be diagnostic yea I do have some level of BDD, I feel far uglier than I may actually be. And it does extend beyond my face, though my face is the trigger and the biggest part of me that I become fixated on for sure. For a long while and even now to a lesser extent it stopped me from dressing certain ways and socializing as much as I might have (although for both of these things my BDD was only a part of the reason).
So there are my current thoughts about my physical self I guess. I'm sure I could ramble on in length about all the ugly things about myself but I believe I've captured the essence enough already.
This is the most pitiful blog entry. I hate the fact that I feel that it is though, because it just continues to show that I'm comparing myself to something or someone or even just the idea that I should be better than all this. That I shouldnt feel the way I do. I have to remember that ultimately it just IS how I feel and theres nothing I can do about it and no reason to be ashamed about it either....
Tuesday, September 28, 2010
being different isnt a bad thing
It doesn't mean you have to feel certain ways about anything, it doesn't even have to be distinguished as being "different."
Why?
Nothing is inherently bad or good or really any other adjective in and of itself. It just is the way it is.
Usque universalis, nihilum sanctus, nihilum profanus...
Not sure if I have that quoted right, I don't know latin, just trying to remember something I've seen on a license plate frame for years now.
So things just are the way they are. Life just IS the way it is. Yes, ultimately it is all empty and meaningless...but it is empty and meaningless that it is empty and meaningless!
So why care if you feel isolated from the rest of humanity? It doesn't matter. It just is that way. No need to make up some level of personal significance to this because we all know nothing matters anyway.
Haha, of course...we all will anyway. Because we are human and its what we do. Even I do it. I'm typing in this blog right now, making up some level of personal significance about what I'm writing! Its inevitable because we are trapped in these human bodies riddled with hormones and genetic codes that urge us to do things and with these human brains that give us thoughts that tell us things mean this or that and that the world IS one way or another...when really all we see and think and feel, its just another part of the random, meaninglessness of being alive.
We aren't really all that different from the mindless animals we see around us. The biggest difference that we have is that we SEE a difference. We can "think" we are different. Whereas animals are just driven by their chemical and their genetic instincts to run around, eat, sleep, fuck, and poop, our chemicals and genetics drove us to develop a way to make shit up in order to get around certain adaptive problems we faced somewhere in our history, with the overall goal being to find better ways to eat, sleep, fuck, and poop. What we ended up doing was finding a way to feel like we are different.
Because truth is pretty much everyone you meet will tell you, "I've always felt different from the rest of people." Ever noticed that? Now how could that be true? Humans are genetically programmed to "feel different." Now that in itself implies we aren't completely different at least, and I suspect we all have much more in common than most of us readily want to admit. This is why most of my life I've tried to deny the fact that I feel different. This of course makes no difference, because innately I still feel different, and just trying to deny the fact that I feel different when no one else seems to be doing that MAKES ME FEEL DIFFERENT.
Oh, its all so meaningless and empty anyway..........
Its interesting the way this blog post has wound about sorta. It still feels really incomplete to me. Hmm...its also important to note that this whole spiel in here is just one tiny facet of everything I wonder about....one tiny part of who I am? I dunno how to say it better than that. Anyway....
Oh. So what do we do with ourselves, our inevitable human mechanisms that create meaning when there is no meaning and cause us all these "problems"?
Well, I'm not completely sure if this works for everyone, but for me, just being able to take note that nothing really matters is quite a relieving idea. And even though on a day to day basis I will continue to get sucked into all the useless interpretations of being alive that my brain creates, all the problems I make up for myself, just trying to keep the meaninglessness of it all present in my mind helps take the weight off a little bit.
OMG my car is broken down and I have no money and I need $34958366 for such and such before this deadline ahhhhh!!!! ----meaninglessnessmeaninglessnessmeaninglessnessmeaninglessness------- yes....hmm well my car is broken, I have no money,and I need such and such etc etc....mmhmm...okay..."
I guess it serves as a source of comfort, the thought of meaninglessness. It doesn't mean I'm going to just sit down and die and not do anything because its all meaningless though, thats one way to take it I suppose but why do that? All that does is make you feel crappy. And even though feelings in themselves are meaningless ultimately too...you still have to live with them!
And if there was a choice given between living a happy pointless life and living a sad pointless life...huh, I'm choosin the happy one, because its much nicer thank you very much.
Why?
Nothing is inherently bad or good or really any other adjective in and of itself. It just is the way it is.
Usque universalis, nihilum sanctus, nihilum profanus...
Not sure if I have that quoted right, I don't know latin, just trying to remember something I've seen on a license plate frame for years now.
So things just are the way they are. Life just IS the way it is. Yes, ultimately it is all empty and meaningless...but it is empty and meaningless that it is empty and meaningless!
So why care if you feel isolated from the rest of humanity? It doesn't matter. It just is that way. No need to make up some level of personal significance to this because we all know nothing matters anyway.
Haha, of course...we all will anyway. Because we are human and its what we do. Even I do it. I'm typing in this blog right now, making up some level of personal significance about what I'm writing! Its inevitable because we are trapped in these human bodies riddled with hormones and genetic codes that urge us to do things and with these human brains that give us thoughts that tell us things mean this or that and that the world IS one way or another...when really all we see and think and feel, its just another part of the random, meaninglessness of being alive.
We aren't really all that different from the mindless animals we see around us. The biggest difference that we have is that we SEE a difference. We can "think" we are different. Whereas animals are just driven by their chemical and their genetic instincts to run around, eat, sleep, fuck, and poop, our chemicals and genetics drove us to develop a way to make shit up in order to get around certain adaptive problems we faced somewhere in our history, with the overall goal being to find better ways to eat, sleep, fuck, and poop. What we ended up doing was finding a way to feel like we are different.
Because truth is pretty much everyone you meet will tell you, "I've always felt different from the rest of people." Ever noticed that? Now how could that be true? Humans are genetically programmed to "feel different." Now that in itself implies we aren't completely different at least, and I suspect we all have much more in common than most of us readily want to admit. This is why most of my life I've tried to deny the fact that I feel different. This of course makes no difference, because innately I still feel different, and just trying to deny the fact that I feel different when no one else seems to be doing that MAKES ME FEEL DIFFERENT.
Oh, its all so meaningless and empty anyway..........
Its interesting the way this blog post has wound about sorta. It still feels really incomplete to me. Hmm...its also important to note that this whole spiel in here is just one tiny facet of everything I wonder about....one tiny part of who I am? I dunno how to say it better than that. Anyway....
Oh. So what do we do with ourselves, our inevitable human mechanisms that create meaning when there is no meaning and cause us all these "problems"?
Well, I'm not completely sure if this works for everyone, but for me, just being able to take note that nothing really matters is quite a relieving idea. And even though on a day to day basis I will continue to get sucked into all the useless interpretations of being alive that my brain creates, all the problems I make up for myself, just trying to keep the meaninglessness of it all present in my mind helps take the weight off a little bit.
OMG my car is broken down and I have no money and I need $34958366 for such and such before this deadline ahhhhh!!!! ----meaninglessnessmeaninglessnessmeaninglessnessmeaninglessness------- yes....hmm well my car is broken, I have no money,and I need such and such etc etc....mmhmm...okay..."
I guess it serves as a source of comfort, the thought of meaninglessness. It doesn't mean I'm going to just sit down and die and not do anything because its all meaningless though, thats one way to take it I suppose but why do that? All that does is make you feel crappy. And even though feelings in themselves are meaningless ultimately too...you still have to live with them!
And if there was a choice given between living a happy pointless life and living a sad pointless life...huh, I'm choosin the happy one, because its much nicer thank you very much.
And it works across the board.
Sunday, September 26, 2010
Gaah
The forum training stuff is soo awesome. But I've really forgotten a lot of it already. Its hard to keep it all in perspective when you're out in the real world away from all the possibility.
I want everyone in my life to do it, so we can use the same language to work on problems. But I let my own assumptions about others keep me from being really committed to getting them all involved.
I just have to remember: I create all the breakdowns in my life. It is so important to remember that the only one who can ever be responsible for any problem in your life is YOU, because every life is separated from reality, from every other person, on some level. You can change everything just by readjusting to that perspective. The perspective that you create everything.
So...the last entry I said I wanted to be happy. Simply enough I need to just be that way. Create the perspective that allows me to be happy. And to share it with others...because if I don't share it, it will get tarnished or pushed away again whenever I'm with anyone - I have to keep it present around others or else it will not exist anymore. Thats what has happened...I've lost my ability to create my own happiness because I've destroyed the possibilities I can create for myself.
Goddamm. I also make everything feel so complicated and hopeless. I gotta stop that. Bluhhh its hard! We all resist the things that seem hardest to change. I've gotten complacent about the idea that my relationships have to be complicated and hopeless and unfixable but that is simply not true.
I just hope I can keep everything in perspective.
The forum training stuff is soo awesome. But I've really forgotten a lot of it already. Its hard to keep it all in perspective when you're out in the real world away from all the possibility.
I want everyone in my life to do it, so we can use the same language to work on problems. But I let my own assumptions about others keep me from being really committed to getting them all involved.
I just have to remember: I create all the breakdowns in my life. It is so important to remember that the only one who can ever be responsible for any problem in your life is YOU, because every life is separated from reality, from every other person, on some level. You can change everything just by readjusting to that perspective. The perspective that you create everything.
So...the last entry I said I wanted to be happy. Simply enough I need to just be that way. Create the perspective that allows me to be happy. And to share it with others...because if I don't share it, it will get tarnished or pushed away again whenever I'm with anyone - I have to keep it present around others or else it will not exist anymore. Thats what has happened...I've lost my ability to create my own happiness because I've destroyed the possibilities I can create for myself.
Goddamm. I also make everything feel so complicated and hopeless. I gotta stop that. Bluhhh its hard! We all resist the things that seem hardest to change. I've gotten complacent about the idea that my relationships have to be complicated and hopeless and unfixable but that is simply not true.
I just hope I can keep everything in perspective.
Friday, September 24, 2010
i dont know
I don't know how much I know about nothing
I might know some things...
Random things...
Bits and pieces of a few different sorts of things... here and there...
Well here I am, a week away from starting graduate school, starting out in a way so typically grad student-ish. No money, no real source of income, car basically dead, no way to buy the books I need to do homework thats due the first day of class...all my relationships in a mess, my heart and my head all messed up....
I keep swinging back and forth between hopefulness and hopelessness, believing in and eager to have good times one second and wanting to hide under a rock the next. I feel like all I've been doing is either hurting people, not being good enough for them, not being useful, or just encumbering them in their own progress or just not being able to give them what they want....which even if it isn't good for me is what I tend to want to do....gahhh I have to stop doing that!
Its hard to stop doing the thing you feel so drawn to do. God, am I really going to try and be a therapist? I have all these doubts plaguing me about this. I know graduate school will be good for me regardless if I decide to go into therapy...I suppose I should just be satisfied with that, even if it does put me in even more debt to do it....it will change my life.
The problem is Im not satisfied right now. I want to make peace again, in all areas of my life, so badly. I can't stand all this discordance between myself and my loved ones, it feels horrible.....................and yet I can't fix it. I can't just make everyone happy.
I have to figure out how to make myself happy first I guess....we shall see what Lisa says...
I might know some things...
Random things...
Bits and pieces of a few different sorts of things... here and there...
Well here I am, a week away from starting graduate school, starting out in a way so typically grad student-ish. No money, no real source of income, car basically dead, no way to buy the books I need to do homework thats due the first day of class...all my relationships in a mess, my heart and my head all messed up....
I keep swinging back and forth between hopefulness and hopelessness, believing in and eager to have good times one second and wanting to hide under a rock the next. I feel like all I've been doing is either hurting people, not being good enough for them, not being useful, or just encumbering them in their own progress or just not being able to give them what they want....which even if it isn't good for me is what I tend to want to do....gahhh I have to stop doing that!
Its hard to stop doing the thing you feel so drawn to do. God, am I really going to try and be a therapist? I have all these doubts plaguing me about this. I know graduate school will be good for me regardless if I decide to go into therapy...I suppose I should just be satisfied with that, even if it does put me in even more debt to do it....it will change my life.
The problem is Im not satisfied right now. I want to make peace again, in all areas of my life, so badly. I can't stand all this discordance between myself and my loved ones, it feels horrible.....................and yet I can't fix it. I can't just make everyone happy.
I have to figure out how to make myself happy first I guess....we shall see what Lisa says...
Wednesday, September 22, 2010
bombombombom
Man every time I get back to this blog and look over previous entries I automatically think, "Man thats not right! Why was I thinking that?"
Obviously this blog is a good example of just how big of a transition I'm in right now. My outlook is in constant upheaval... however...I know that my core way of being hasn't changed. I just haven't found out all about it yet.... I have a pretty good idea I think, and it shows even in my previous entries. All the little things in here that seem to be similar....they point to my core way of being. All the rest of it, eh, its just crazy talk. But crazy talk has its place, its just a way to sort things out obviously.
I feel as though I'm getting better at doing what my gut tells me to do. I suppose I've already been better than many at this, as being uninhibited is one of my core values, and going with whims is part of that in a way. And yeah, sometimes you dont want to go with your gut right off the bat, but I think really 99% of the time its a good option....and...well, what other option is there? What else will make you happy? Happiness is a feeling, so if you go by something other than your feelings....you have no way to know if it will make you happy.
Anyway thats a thought for the day. Totally getting distracted by my dad right now. Going to sign off.
Oh, I loooove distractions.........................
Obviously this blog is a good example of just how big of a transition I'm in right now. My outlook is in constant upheaval... however...I know that my core way of being hasn't changed. I just haven't found out all about it yet.... I have a pretty good idea I think, and it shows even in my previous entries. All the little things in here that seem to be similar....they point to my core way of being. All the rest of it, eh, its just crazy talk. But crazy talk has its place, its just a way to sort things out obviously.
I feel as though I'm getting better at doing what my gut tells me to do. I suppose I've already been better than many at this, as being uninhibited is one of my core values, and going with whims is part of that in a way. And yeah, sometimes you dont want to go with your gut right off the bat, but I think really 99% of the time its a good option....and...well, what other option is there? What else will make you happy? Happiness is a feeling, so if you go by something other than your feelings....you have no way to know if it will make you happy.
Anyway thats a thought for the day. Totally getting distracted by my dad right now. Going to sign off.
Oh, I loooove distractions.........................
Wednesday, September 15, 2010
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