Heartacheytackky

So I sent an email to my mom to tell her I didn't want to speak with her for a while. She sends back an email describing how my email made her feel and indirectly telling me that she understands I need space to "grow" right now or some such thing, you know no big deal whatever it's cool. Then tonight she calls and leaves a voicemail asking me to help her buy something on amazon, then begins a report on hate going on in her life and the family's life. Thr only mention of the email stuff is "I hope you liked my last email!" said in a weirdly proud tone. Why are you proud? You have obviously missed the point. This just seems representative of our relationship. She hurts me, I try to retreat from her to heal, she comes in and "understands" things for a moment, and then refuses to I've me space, not even time to recover from the first hurt, and then the cycle begins again.

I don't know if I'm overreacting here. Maybe I'm just making this whole thing into a way bigger deal than it actually is. But maybe I need to for a while. For so many years of my life I dismissed this pain she incited in me, trying and succeeding in consciously dismissing it. Of course it is still there. I just can't do it anymore. It has been so debilitating to me. I see it's effects on me every moment...my spacieness, my lack o organization with certain things, my uncertainty that is often overwhelming and overall this fugue state that just makes it impossible for mento unction. I'm trying better and better, slowly becoming the finely attuned, thoughtful person I know I truly am. Who sometimes Incan be, who I was more of whenever I was away from my family.

Of course it isn't that simple. I have to change my habits when it comes to dealing with stress, otherwise I will continue to get lost whenever It becomes too much. Stupid iPhone does this thing where it won't let me see the part of he text box where I am actually typing. So many errors. Oh well.

It was nicks birthday today (yesterday) and it was a really nice, blessed day, but when into that voicemail from my mom I ended up taking a huge swi of wine, probably about 3 glasses worn in total, in under 45 minutes. Ot drunk pretty quickly as ou can imagine. I feel awful. I didn't get too weird or crazy but I did end up liking some of it back up. It was on an empty stomach. Nick kinda just left me on my own with it. I'm worried I upset him with my urge to get drunk. It as just not good and nice to end his birthday thst way. I feel awful. I guess it's good I have a phone appt with Lisa tomorrow.

Pug. I turned autocorrect back on. The struggle continues lol.

I have been having lots of brain drillingly deep dreams lately. Those ones that when you wake up you feel mentally exhausted from, you know? I can't remember many details st the moment though. One was this crazy multilayered thing where I dreamt I was in a coma, but I was dreaming while vegetated and was having like three dreams st once, one of which I could control a bit. And one of those dreams was also about me dreaming I think. The feelings in that whole thing were rather complex.

I've been feeling more and more guilty about urging myself away from my family. Well, when I think about it, I'm good at distracting myself as is i beleive well known. I've had more down time recently, for some mostl unknown reason combined with a small amount of slacking on my part I am a little low on clients at the moment.

And of course while there is plenty to keep me busy I instead while away my free time doing next to nothing.

I belies this town is a little lacking in the sushi department. I went to their highest rated restaurant yesterday and was rather disappointed. Those orange fish egg things were old and unpleasantly chewy, and overall the rolls I had along with the miso not very flavorful. Still, only one experience. I haven't tried any Thai yet, there's a place that's supposed to have good curry that sounds hopeful. Also lots of good looking Chinese to still try. It's hard to get around to it because I still have no one to dine st sub places :( anyway iPhone being lane again so I will now stop.

Darndit razzum roussumn frazzum snarfin

That was pretty much most of whst i wanted to say right up there in the title.

My whole world changes every time i hang out with someone, or hang out with someone new. Thats not exactly supposed to happen, is it? I dont know. ProbBly somewher in between. Still on my iphone, which i still hate. I wonder if thr newer ones havr better tiuch screen keybowrds. Honestly i think its just me, thst one anyway.

I was just going about ny business bein pretty alright and content wih thingsnwhen i had sort of unexpectedly spend time with another couple . Thy are alright as far as it goes for not super close friends or whayever but after they left i coildnt help from noticing thst my mood was just so much worse off than before. Maybe part of it is because i wasnt expectong it and sort of looking forward to a nice laid back day. I think also a large part of it though was just how the interactoions played out between them and anyone else. Thry sre just kind of negative judgemtnal people who seem to like to complain or make fun of others. Its like a game to them, like good gossiping i imagine, but it just dossnt sit totally well with me. I dunno, i dont want to be judgmental in return, but i guess it just made me unconfortable. And it made me think but just how much a persons minute to minuye identity might be effected by the people he or she is surrounded by. Wity the constant clashing and mixing or burning up of one persons enrgy field to another...are we in some small portion of our beong forever changed after each encounter? It wiukd seem likely. It gets me back to my old feelings of getting so lost in others around me. This part of me is very useful in therapy, but not so much in nornal social situstions. Still useful just not all the time. I still need more of a foundation within myself to rest upon. ok the iphone is drivig me crazy. Stoppingggggg

The sun is coming out ?

I finally gave in a d turned off autocorrect. Had a phone session with Lisa today, which helped. I finally am starting to feel a little resolved about the separating from my family idea, which has been botherin me and making me feel even more alone than i already was. I wish so much you lived nearby me, or somehow i could find another worthwhile, real person to be friends with. Nick is a great partner but i really still need a true, real friend to spend time with doing silly, relaxed, sporadic and childish things with.

Im still sort of trying to reach out to jgb but she isnt talkijg to me still, and shes just in such a different place i really dont feel muh of a connection with her anymore at all. Nor with jj or persian or my broher mike or anyone...

Lisa says i need to spend more time working on myself. I guess that thwt means its good i havd time to myself. Sigh.

I know theres a lot of typos, i hate the iphone touchpad. Theres no winning with it. So thst is where i am right now. Just plugging along, doing my therapy work...bouncing between happiness and sadness as always.

I am very sad right now. I get these moments of just overwhelming sadness and pain and rejection, it's terrible, and whets worse is that they always pass and I can be happy again, almost doubly so, if only because of how relieved I must be from all the sadness I just experienced. But does that make the pain any less bearable when I'm stuck in it? Not really.

I just want to cry and cry and cry, until the water shedding from my body, my eye ducts, seeps into the ground and etches out a nice dark hole for me to hide in forever. Or at least until the sun comes out again.

Your burnt offerings are not acceptable; your sacrifices do not please me.

Mmm I am experimenting a lot more in the kitchen. I am going to quickly become master of all things comforting to me to eat. Eggs, stir fries, mashes, and the like. I made a nice simple egg and veggie stir fry for breakfast today. I don't even need much seasoning, which is so great, I can just enjoy the natural flavor of the primary ingrediants along with a hunk of butter. Mmm, butter. Its sad it makes me feel like such a fatty. But yesterday I signed up for this diet app on my iphone that keeps track of how many calories you take in each day. I told it that I wanted to lose 8 lbs over the next month and it said I needed to eat 1200 calories a day in order to reach that goal. Well, I didn't even eat that much. And that was after I consumed what I thought was a large amount of food, and felt too "full" to eat anything after lunch, which consisted of 3 meatballs and a small salad with one tomato. For dinner I had some almonds and a low fat devils food cookie with a glass of wine. Not really the best diet there. Its weird though, I really love cooking to a degree, and I'm finding that I'm becoming more and more comfortable with it (finally!), but now I'm having trouble eating enough. And yet I'm still so out of shape....so lumpy and disgusting. It is so odd seeing the difference in my perception when I'm in control of my BDD and when I am not. Sometimes I look at my thigh and see a huge amorphous blob, other times I look at it and I see this thin little twig, about the same width as the palm of my hand.

My mom keeps emailing me, trying to further explain why forgiveness is a sign of spiritual enlightenment or something, and perhaps I could learn something about it if only I could follow her great example. Puh. She wants me to make plans with the family for Thanksgiving. I don't know how I'm going to break it to her that I'm not coming.


I got a costume for my halloween stuff for grad school. So silly, I still need a couple more costumes for the other 2 days. But for now, it is sure that I'm going to be a pumpkin. Yeaaaah! I'm going for a more ironic sort of extra normal costume, since usually I do something really obscure. Maybe I'll pull out my comforter again!