I feel as though there are two parts (or maybe more) inside me that are at war with one another. And so much stress going on just around me. Its like being around a ticking timebomb....or rather, something really delicate and explosive....where if one little thing happens to it it goes BLAM!!! And stress is unfurled for everyone involved.
I'm walking on this real delicate path trying to avoid setting off the bomb all the time. Trying to diffuse it too, ever so slowly.....and at the same time, working on myself....slowly trying to diffuse that as well.
And I'm somewhere in the midst of all of these changes.....sticking my head out occasionally to check out how things are going, what the whole situation looks like....but inevitably I have to duck back down into the thick of it and thats when time just slides by like so many colorful streaks of light...
Tuesday, June 28, 2011
Saturday, June 25, 2011
across the seas
Sometimes I wonder if I'm just slowly losing my mind. Had some sleep paralysis deal last night involving aliens thrumming outside my window, vague feelings of my life draining out of my body again. It is such an odd feeling, to feel your soul being sucked slowly out, leaving nothing but numbness and fear...feeling the darkness envelop whatever spark of your consciousness remains.
I hope that throughout any madness I might encounter that I can stay aware and reflective of it, at the very least. I don't want to be one of those people speaking to themselves in a public place completely unaware of what she's doing. In a way though, I think my desire for such absolute consciousness is what is causing the madness. Excessive rumination can do that, I suspect. I think Jung went through a similar period. Another thing that might be causing it is just the depth to which I am immersing myself in...depth psychology. Learning about mental illness is a dangerous process for someone like me who learns best by letting the knowledge seep to the very roots of my being. I'm getting all these weird symptoms of different things....self diagnosing becomes even easier when you start producing the symptoms on your own. Of course there is a substantial basis for all the stuff I am experiencing beyond me simply reproducing whatever I read about....but who knows where that line is drawn.
Slowly I'm getting ready for another change. A new life. I'm getting closer. Dealing with my old self in a healthy way that can both acknowledge its presence and move forward, without suppressing it but without being held back anymore by it. That is the goal. That should always be everyone's goal, I think, generally. Its a never-ending sort of thing.
Sleepwalker stole my night
Cute was the danger
In a stranger's land
I can't believe she's gone
I do so hope she will see me through
I love you so....
Thursday, June 23, 2011
who do we think we are?
The last few days or so I have felt as though I'm suffering from some amount of brain damage...or perhaps just trauma shutting down certain areas of functioning. I've been clumsier than usual...more forgetful and had more little ticks and weird things. Burning sensations on my hands, weird eye moments, sometimes I think I'm saying one thing and then actually be saying something I was previously thinking about or reading or even worse it just comes out as gibberish. Not sure what this all means. I'm a little worried. But it could just be malnutrition or some other sort of imbalance... or just my psyche fucking with me. Conversion disorder, depersonalization disorder... Yeah. Who knows....
I got my blood allergy tests results back. I'm not allergic to any foods, except maybe walnuts? Walnut trees for sure I am though. Who would have thought! Those deadly creatures!!
I'm pretty dang allergic to cats and dogs, and well probably other animals with dander, duh. As if I wasn't aware. And mold too. Nice to know I can eat normal thigns though, besides milk, since I'm deifnitely lactose intolerant.
Also my bloodwork finally proved it: I'm officially anemic. Shoulda listened to my mom and everyone else ever about that. The most typical kind of course - iron deficient anemia. The doc said I had almost no iron in my body whatsoever. Whoopsies! I already had a bottle of iron supplements too, just never opened it. That explains the fact that I can kinda fall asleep whenever I want mosta the time.
I'm writing in here more because I'm avoiding doing my work...hmm what else can i blab about? finally got a response from another trainee site....but its only sorta kinda hopeful. My cover letter and resume got passed on from the HR assistant to the hiring managers, if they like my 2 pages of self-aggrandization (which was very painful to write, as always) more than all the other interns maybe I'll get an interview, and then if they like my face and mannerisms enough to beat all the other applicants, then I have a traineeship.
I'm too lazy to go back and correct my spelling, capitalization, and punctuation right now. Yep. Just did a lot of muscle workouts in the backyard, so my arms and hands are all pooped!
POOPED I TELL YOU.
POOPED.
I got my blood allergy tests results back. I'm not allergic to any foods, except maybe walnuts? Walnut trees for sure I am though. Who would have thought! Those deadly creatures!!
I'm pretty dang allergic to cats and dogs, and well probably other animals with dander, duh. As if I wasn't aware. And mold too. Nice to know I can eat normal thigns though, besides milk, since I'm deifnitely lactose intolerant.
Also my bloodwork finally proved it: I'm officially anemic. Shoulda listened to my mom and everyone else ever about that. The most typical kind of course - iron deficient anemia. The doc said I had almost no iron in my body whatsoever. Whoopsies! I already had a bottle of iron supplements too, just never opened it. That explains the fact that I can kinda fall asleep whenever I want mosta the time.
I'm writing in here more because I'm avoiding doing my work...hmm what else can i blab about? finally got a response from another trainee site....but its only sorta kinda hopeful. My cover letter and resume got passed on from the HR assistant to the hiring managers, if they like my 2 pages of self-aggrandization (which was very painful to write, as always) more than all the other interns maybe I'll get an interview, and then if they like my face and mannerisms enough to beat all the other applicants, then I have a traineeship.
I'm too lazy to go back and correct my spelling, capitalization, and punctuation right now. Yep. Just did a lot of muscle workouts in the backyard, so my arms and hands are all pooped!
POOPED I TELL YOU.
POOPED.
Wednesday, June 22, 2011
Armoured cars sail the sky
They’re pink at dawn
If I lived forever you just wouldn’t be so beautiful
As the sun
When it shines
All over the world
We’re pilots watching the stars
The world pre-occupied
We’re pilots watching the stars
Who do you think we are?
Ice and clouds
Shimmer outside
Rain just falls
They’re pink at dawn
If I lived forever you just wouldn’t be so beautiful
As the sun
When it shines
All over the world
We’re pilots watching the stars
The world pre-occupied
We’re pilots watching the stars
Who do you think we are?
Ice and clouds
Shimmer outside
Rain just falls
At magic hour
It’s just the sound
Of you and me
Time twitching
Murmurs of our friendly machine
Time twitching
Murmurs of our friendly machine
Tuesday, June 21, 2011
Sunday, June 19, 2011
where in? Wherein... Wear in...
Trying to figure out what to write in this thing has been difficult since the last post. I guess I can just describe what life has been like for the last month or more.
Its been challenging, as per usual these days, weeks, months, years. When was it ever not? I don't recall. But thats life anyway...silly to point it out really. The days have been slipping by with time hardly registering on my radar. Its been like living in a dream almost. Not one of those idealistic, super pleasant ones of course. Not a fantasy land. Just that odd state of timelessness and hazy shiftiness that accompanies most dreams. Theres been lots of stressful moments, and moments of detachment and aloneness, as per my usual. Theres been a bubbling undercurrent of repugnance and resistance to my family, to my old self in relation to my family, and especially to my mother, fueled by my own awakening into myself, I can only assume.
Theres also been more of a routine in place, for the most part.
Every day I wake up at around 7am, shower, put on my makeup (I got a consult finally, so now the whole process takes a little longer than before), eat, blow dry my hair if I've washed it (trying to skip every other day, unless I've gone somewhere particularly dirty the day before), and wait around for him. Sometimes he gets a little sleep between 6 and 9am. I read, watch Netflix, or go on the internet. Try to find trainee-ships, or more likely, just procrastinate... he texts me to let me know he is awake, I go and visit him in his room which is separate from the rest of the house. He tries to avoid coming in as much as possible generally, my family home is not pleasant to his sensitive nose most of the time. I eat at regular intervals throughout the day now, making sure I don't lose a lot of weight like before. I usually have to eat it away from him inside the house.
My family is all too oblivious to the stink. I used to be, just one of the ways I'm not anymore. If he is feeling really ill we stay in his room and listen to the radio or watch Netflix. Or maybe play xbox. If he feels up for it maybe we go do errands. Later on in the day I do more homework, he plays guitar if he is well enough. I procrastinate looking for more trainee-ships. Or I find a few, email a couple of them and then save the rest in my email to do later. At some point he tries to eat something. He has lost a lot of weight lately. Stress triggers horrible bouts of nausea and nerve pain that often lead to him vomiting up blood. Nothing he takes for this ever completely cures it, and he is getting sick of depending on any type of medication slung at him. One of the ways to prevent attacks is to eat lots of sweets and carbs but the attacks cause such bad nausea he can't eat...so this terrible cycle prevails where he doesn't eat, gets stressed, then gets sicker, then doesnt eat...and so on.
If he feels up to it, we go on a walk around the neighborhood at some point each day. Lately that hasn't happened. If he's really feelin good we go to the batting cages. He used to play before college. Sometimes we go shopping, for food, for clothes, exercise equipment, or other random little things like that. This hasn't happened for a while either. The day kind of continues this way. Maybe we play more xbox, maybe I do more homework, maybe watch more Netflix. Maybe we just sit around and talk about life and deeper things.I've finally figured out a way to be humorous with him at times too. Its still a little personality squelching for me at times, but I've adjusted. .......At night I usually end up exhausted and in bed by around 11pm, after he tells me he wants to try and sleep, or more likely go into "vampire mode," which means he lays still in bed with headphones on zoning out to music, fighting the pain. This is whats going on most days, unless we have some other things planned. Doctors visits, physical therapy, my own personal therapy, special events...also at times there are moments where he is too stressed to handle my presence, or I say something that triggers stress, and I have to leave. Then I usually go inside and do my own thing. I've been trying to sunbathe with no makeup on lately. It seems to be helping my skin a little... I have hope that that and not eating dairy will help me finally cure my affliction....mostly, at least. I'd like to not have to wear makeup anymore...
The last week or so has been punctuated by unfortunate trips back up to the SB area to visit with his mother, which always triggers an attack. Really bad ones too.
But it has also been punctuated with at least a couple of good times. Going to Disneyland was a nice break, albeit tiring in and of itself. I find socializing with "normal" people these days is a lot harder to do. I'm so adjusted to the abnormal kind of lifestyle I've adopted, where I have to move less abruptly, speak quietly and in a thoughtful way all the time...being around a lot of my old friends is almost like standing and trying to talk to a 10 piece brass band in the middle of a roaring performance. Simply said, it just doesn't lead to any good conversation or meaningful interaction. I know how alien this relationship is to normal ones. Theres limited physical interaction, and a necessary amount of emotional distance at times too. But its incredibly fulfilling as well. Hard to explain... I guess its sort of like the perfect balance of opposites. My light to his dark.
The baseball game last night was really fun too, my brother got us really good seats and fun was certainly had by all. I wouldn't mind attending more baseball games, its such an interesting environment to observe. The human zoo, and all. Surprisingly good beer, too.
Anyway, that is sort of a glimpse of things right now. I'm still stressing out over grad school stuff, when I stop to think about it. I know that I'm probably in some kind of depressive fugue most of the time, but it almost feels completely tolerable. I guess its gotten to feel more and more normal this way. I can't tell if thats a bad thing or good, not quite yet. I guess we shall see how things progress.
Its been challenging, as per usual these days, weeks, months, years. When was it ever not? I don't recall. But thats life anyway...silly to point it out really. The days have been slipping by with time hardly registering on my radar. Its been like living in a dream almost. Not one of those idealistic, super pleasant ones of course. Not a fantasy land. Just that odd state of timelessness and hazy shiftiness that accompanies most dreams. Theres been lots of stressful moments, and moments of detachment and aloneness, as per my usual. Theres been a bubbling undercurrent of repugnance and resistance to my family, to my old self in relation to my family, and especially to my mother, fueled by my own awakening into myself, I can only assume.
Theres also been more of a routine in place, for the most part.
Every day I wake up at around 7am, shower, put on my makeup (I got a consult finally, so now the whole process takes a little longer than before), eat, blow dry my hair if I've washed it (trying to skip every other day, unless I've gone somewhere particularly dirty the day before), and wait around for him. Sometimes he gets a little sleep between 6 and 9am. I read, watch Netflix, or go on the internet. Try to find trainee-ships, or more likely, just procrastinate... he texts me to let me know he is awake, I go and visit him in his room which is separate from the rest of the house. He tries to avoid coming in as much as possible generally, my family home is not pleasant to his sensitive nose most of the time. I eat at regular intervals throughout the day now, making sure I don't lose a lot of weight like before. I usually have to eat it away from him inside the house.
My family is all too oblivious to the stink. I used to be, just one of the ways I'm not anymore. If he is feeling really ill we stay in his room and listen to the radio or watch Netflix. Or maybe play xbox. If he feels up for it maybe we go do errands. Later on in the day I do more homework, he plays guitar if he is well enough. I procrastinate looking for more trainee-ships. Or I find a few, email a couple of them and then save the rest in my email to do later. At some point he tries to eat something. He has lost a lot of weight lately. Stress triggers horrible bouts of nausea and nerve pain that often lead to him vomiting up blood. Nothing he takes for this ever completely cures it, and he is getting sick of depending on any type of medication slung at him. One of the ways to prevent attacks is to eat lots of sweets and carbs but the attacks cause such bad nausea he can't eat...so this terrible cycle prevails where he doesn't eat, gets stressed, then gets sicker, then doesnt eat...and so on.
If he feels up to it, we go on a walk around the neighborhood at some point each day. Lately that hasn't happened. If he's really feelin good we go to the batting cages. He used to play before college. Sometimes we go shopping, for food, for clothes, exercise equipment, or other random little things like that. This hasn't happened for a while either. The day kind of continues this way. Maybe we play more xbox, maybe I do more homework, maybe watch more Netflix. Maybe we just sit around and talk about life and deeper things.I've finally figured out a way to be humorous with him at times too. Its still a little personality squelching for me at times, but I've adjusted. .......At night I usually end up exhausted and in bed by around 11pm, after he tells me he wants to try and sleep, or more likely go into "vampire mode," which means he lays still in bed with headphones on zoning out to music, fighting the pain. This is whats going on most days, unless we have some other things planned. Doctors visits, physical therapy, my own personal therapy, special events...also at times there are moments where he is too stressed to handle my presence, or I say something that triggers stress, and I have to leave. Then I usually go inside and do my own thing. I've been trying to sunbathe with no makeup on lately. It seems to be helping my skin a little... I have hope that that and not eating dairy will help me finally cure my affliction....mostly, at least. I'd like to not have to wear makeup anymore...
The last week or so has been punctuated by unfortunate trips back up to the SB area to visit with his mother, which always triggers an attack. Really bad ones too.
But it has also been punctuated with at least a couple of good times. Going to Disneyland was a nice break, albeit tiring in and of itself. I find socializing with "normal" people these days is a lot harder to do. I'm so adjusted to the abnormal kind of lifestyle I've adopted, where I have to move less abruptly, speak quietly and in a thoughtful way all the time...being around a lot of my old friends is almost like standing and trying to talk to a 10 piece brass band in the middle of a roaring performance. Simply said, it just doesn't lead to any good conversation or meaningful interaction. I know how alien this relationship is to normal ones. Theres limited physical interaction, and a necessary amount of emotional distance at times too. But its incredibly fulfilling as well. Hard to explain... I guess its sort of like the perfect balance of opposites. My light to his dark.
The baseball game last night was really fun too, my brother got us really good seats and fun was certainly had by all. I wouldn't mind attending more baseball games, its such an interesting environment to observe. The human zoo, and all. Surprisingly good beer, too.
Anyway, that is sort of a glimpse of things right now. I'm still stressing out over grad school stuff, when I stop to think about it. I know that I'm probably in some kind of depressive fugue most of the time, but it almost feels completely tolerable. I guess its gotten to feel more and more normal this way. I can't tell if thats a bad thing or good, not quite yet. I guess we shall see how things progress.
Monday, June 6, 2011
i hope you know i think of you every day
I keep wanting to write something in here, directly for you. I can't think of how to say it though. I don't want to hurt you anymore than I already have over the past year or more at this point.
I still miss you. And I still wonder every day, throughout the day, should i have made this choice?
Truly, we were the best of friends. Such an intense, loving connection. So much happiness came to me from being together with you. I still haven't been able to replicate that kind of...natural rapport we had. Even though I'm changing a lot, adapting to a new life, a new me... I still often really want that back. Its terrible to bring it up ever, but its been on my mind a lot. I miss it. I really do. I miss you. Know that. I feel as though I've lost something amazing, and its my fault, it was my choice, from the very beginning of all this.
There is a huge hole in my life now...and maybe there will always have to be. This hole in my heart where you lived. Its a pretty tremendous hole. It hurts to think of how much misery you might be in, how alone you might feel. It hurts even more not to have enough contact with you, even if it is necessary right now. I want you to have space if you need it, even if its not what I want. I still want you in my life, as we've discussed. I wish it could be more, more time spent having awesome moments, similar to what we had. I don't know how feasible that is, even if it was once and a while. It seems like theres no going back at this point, and even as I miss it desperately I'm not certain if it would be the right thing to do, even if I could. It wouldn't be right, not right now. I don't know why I feel like that exactly. I really don't. My life doesn't seem to be making sense, I still don't quite know who is running the show, or whether or not I ever had any control over it in the first place. Chaos and agonizing pain. Stress, and a new way to view life.
Still, I miss all of it, to varying degrees. I guess... I just don't want you to think it didn't mean anything to me. It meant so much to me. The meaning and emotions I got from us is different from any other relationship I've ever been in, to this very day, and they were powerful and special to me. So many things we did that I don't think I'll ever do with anyone else, not to the same degree anyway. We were so simpatico...I miss all of the laughter, the joy, the absolute freedom of expression...the eternal supportiveness and understanding. I look back on our time with an overwhelming fondness, along with the regret and the doubts about leaving it in the past.
I don't know how much I should keep talking about all this. I could say so much more. It just makes me so sad...just...so deeply deeply sad. I really don't want to upset you too much with this, but I've just been so dying to speak with you in some way again...even if you just need space. Oh, god, maybe I shouldn't post this at all. If its too much let me know. I hope someday you can forgive me....at least for some of what I did to you. I hope also that you can be so happy that I no longer have any power to hurt you. Even if it means not getting to have you in my life at all, which I really really don't want. At this point, I guess what is more important is that you can be well again.
I still miss you. And I still wonder every day, throughout the day, should i have made this choice?
Truly, we were the best of friends. Such an intense, loving connection. So much happiness came to me from being together with you. I still haven't been able to replicate that kind of...natural rapport we had. Even though I'm changing a lot, adapting to a new life, a new me... I still often really want that back. Its terrible to bring it up ever, but its been on my mind a lot. I miss it. I really do. I miss you. Know that. I feel as though I've lost something amazing, and its my fault, it was my choice, from the very beginning of all this.
There is a huge hole in my life now...and maybe there will always have to be. This hole in my heart where you lived. Its a pretty tremendous hole. It hurts to think of how much misery you might be in, how alone you might feel. It hurts even more not to have enough contact with you, even if it is necessary right now. I want you to have space if you need it, even if its not what I want. I still want you in my life, as we've discussed. I wish it could be more, more time spent having awesome moments, similar to what we had. I don't know how feasible that is, even if it was once and a while. It seems like theres no going back at this point, and even as I miss it desperately I'm not certain if it would be the right thing to do, even if I could. It wouldn't be right, not right now. I don't know why I feel like that exactly. I really don't. My life doesn't seem to be making sense, I still don't quite know who is running the show, or whether or not I ever had any control over it in the first place. Chaos and agonizing pain. Stress, and a new way to view life.
Still, I miss all of it, to varying degrees. I guess... I just don't want you to think it didn't mean anything to me. It meant so much to me. The meaning and emotions I got from us is different from any other relationship I've ever been in, to this very day, and they were powerful and special to me. So many things we did that I don't think I'll ever do with anyone else, not to the same degree anyway. We were so simpatico...I miss all of the laughter, the joy, the absolute freedom of expression...the eternal supportiveness and understanding. I look back on our time with an overwhelming fondness, along with the regret and the doubts about leaving it in the past.
I don't know how much I should keep talking about all this. I could say so much more. It just makes me so sad...just...so deeply deeply sad. I really don't want to upset you too much with this, but I've just been so dying to speak with you in some way again...even if you just need space. Oh, god, maybe I shouldn't post this at all. If its too much let me know. I hope someday you can forgive me....at least for some of what I did to you. I hope also that you can be so happy that I no longer have any power to hurt you. Even if it means not getting to have you in my life at all, which I really really don't want. At this point, I guess what is more important is that you can be well again.
Friday, June 3, 2011
Wednesday, June 1, 2011
someone like me...
Lost a fair amount of weight the last few weeks...I dont know whats going on, I thought I was eating a lot just a month or so ago... but it was just the occasional binge episode that was a lot, and besides that I really wasn't eating. My body's starting to look wasted and gross... I've got to get back to where I was eating habits wise... I don't want to be so unhealthy physically, its just making it harder to recover mentally.
What a trap that is... the mental disease is what caused the physical reaction to not eat in the first place, and now the physical disease is encouraging the mental disease...and so on....
So much to say...........but no energy for it...........
lost in something more mysterious than simple thought....
What a trap that is... the mental disease is what caused the physical reaction to not eat in the first place, and now the physical disease is encouraging the mental disease...and so on....
So much to say...........but no energy for it...........
lost in something more mysterious than simple thought....
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)