I miss eggs.....

right around 2:30 it blows your mind with good speakers (give it some build up at 2:20 though)

Finally got the internet back last night. It was out for roughly 4 days. So interesting to see what I did instead. I definitely got more school work done. I have done very little since it came back besides use it. Like a starved person may try to gorge immediately as food becomes available. I think JGB is mad at me because I was so out of touch with things without internet I had completely forgotten that yesterday was July 26, her 24 birthday. I'm getting tired of her passive agressiveness. She gets so upset over the stupidest stuff sometime. PLans sort of fell through for our friday birthday party, and I think she blames me entirely, even though if she had wanted something to go down it would have been nice for her to actually try and be part of the planning instead of dumping it all on me. But this is sort of how she has always been, and really I only have myself to blame for setting myself up to be the "responsible" one. Or something, I'm not sure how that works. She has a kid! But the same thing happened when I went to visit her in March. She had nothing planned beyond her normal weekend activities she does with Ellie, I had to sit down with her and work it out for her basically.

I feel though I'm complaining too much about the whole thing. People are just people. Lately, its been a little hard to hold on to that mentality, I think because I am trying to ground myself a little bit more, you know, be a little more pragmatic... I've only ever somewhat kind a little bit been good at that, and only in very specific circumstances. I think though I want more of my life to be that way...at least for a while. I've realized that while it is very nice to be focused solely on self-actualization and the inner workings of the soul/psyche, it is both a maddening and depressing effort that is not completely suitable for me right now. I need to have time to focus on the more mundane things in life that I've so often dismissed. I think it makes sense, how can I possibly be a balanced person in any regard if I'm ignoring any area of life, to any degree? It has to be balanced thats all I can say I guess. So people have to be more than just people for a time, they have to fit a little more logically into categories, good or bad, friend or not, giver or taker...at least things like that.

I've been trying to tell the difference between red neck and white trash lately. Theres a lot of that in my town. Also a lot of "bros" who are a little easier to distinguish. I never ever really made any distinctions about these types of people before. If you had asked me what sort of person lived in simi a year or two ago, I would have just said something like, "low-middle class white people," which really doesn't give much description at all. I really had no idea. Odd. I feel so different from that person now, and I see the reason to know the distinctions, especially about people, because in speaking to them it might be something that is salient in their minds and be a very important aspect of their identity. To overlook it or not notice it at all could be devastating to them.

I was re-reading an old diary I started in 2006, and even though I am eloquent in it, there is this odd sort of innocence in the writing that is subtle but undeniable to me. It reminds me of older books from the American in the 1800s, perhaps when all of humanity was a little more innocent, at least in some regards, or at least the ones who were writing books were.  It sounds weird when I say it but somehow it rings true, at least in comparison to how I was writing at the time. Maybe I am just projecting my innocent writing onto them. Anyway, I tire of writing. Lisa gave me a new angle to approach the traineeship from, so I plan on going crazy with that one for a while.....

another doves song i like (also my parents have literally been weed whacking outside my house for 2 hours

Drive with me
Do the things you wont believe
Drive with me
Past the city and down to sea

Crushing Dreams
Leave me be, I cannot sleep

Drown with me
Past the city, down to sea
Rush of dream
Leave in peace, let me be

oh, it's the pain
It's ingrained in me
oh, soothe my pain
It's ingrained in me
 

Drive with me

get out of bed

I want to change it all....

la dee FRIKKIN da

I know I should be so much more appreciative of all the good things I do have in my life, all the great qualities about my body. I don't have to exercise at all to look trim....although my upper thighs and glutes are noticeably out of shape at this point when I wear short shorts...but even that isn't all that bad. From a distance I look completely normal, pretty even, especially with the new haircut I got in May. But it doesn't matter, because every fucking second of the day I can feel more horrible horrible skin on my face, a constant source of burning and itchy irritation, like I have fresh, inflamed scar tissue all over my face (which really I sorta do have, it feels like a chemical burn might feel). I definitely know what it would feel like to be Two-Face from Batman.

I've gone back to using Benzoyl Peroxide, the old standby for all severe acne sufferers. I didn't use it for probably around 6 months. For a while my skin stayed clear, but the slightest trigger seemed to cause a small breakout .... and that small breakout slowly spread all over my face, increasing in intensity. I think that started in around february. Its just awful because I was almost completely normal again in January when I tried to get off the regime..... and now its back to square one. It might even be worse than it was last July.... because last July I was still using BP I was just wearing makeup 24/7 and that I think is what did me in......

This whole thing just strikes me as incredibly stupid, and shallow. But I know it is so much more complicated than that. The face is what everyone judges you on............... and at this crucial point in my idenitity shaping whatever kinda thing I'm going through, this reminder that I'm stricken with adult acne possibly for the rest of my life is frustrating and tear-inducing at best.

I've been reading the message boards on acne.org and seen the reports from hundreds of people who have this problem into their 50s and 60s. Its not going to go away like everyone always told me it was, unless I can somehow figure out what is causing it for me. I found out iodine often triggers breakouts. I've always eaten so many eggs and also tuna which are high in iodine, so I guess theres another thing I've got to retract from my diet. Basically I can eat fruit and vegetables, and some carbs, and thats it seems. Guhhh the diet part is hard because I'm not very rich and theres not really any good food around my house and I suck at cooking. Im going to try probiotics and fiber supplements as well as digestive enzymes to see if it will help at all... some other guy said all he had to do was increase his caloric intake to about twice the recommended amount and suddenly his acne cleared up, and he doesn't have to wash it scrupulously or anything anymore. If only that were the case. Although eating  even the minimum caloric intake is hard enough for me these days. My current suspiscion is that its a digestive problem, but a week or two ago I was convinced it was a Zinc or B5 deficicieny or an A deficiency or whatever and that doesn't seem to be helping.............. but I guess this is just what I'm going to have to keep doing until I figure it out..


Until then I'm going to BP the shit out of my face and hope that it at least looks somewhat smooth with makeup on by the time JGB gets here in a week and we have to have the bday celebration with all the old high school buddies. Dammit how embarassing, they haven't seen me since high school when I had a shitty complexion and now after having a couple of years of relatively good skin (very relatively) they get to see me back in the same spot as I was then. Frustrating sfkjas;fkjlkgajgl;kj

Anyway this is just a useless venting update. No importante.

Put a paper bag on me and i'm passable...

I'm having trouble focusing on anything right now. My face is a terrible mess, as bad as it was last year around this time, but in a worse way because its harder to hide it behind my hair. I've been trying so hard not to use any of the harsh chemical stuff I was using daily to keep it clean.... and it just doesn't seem to work without it. Maybe I will just go back to it, my face is too oily and disgusting to prevent these horrible breakouts without it. Fucking a I'm going to be 25 on friday and I look like a pizza faced 15 year old. I'm so sick of looking so monstrous and bumpy. And it stings and it itches and my skin gets so dry even moving my mouth to speak pulls on all the cysts and pimples and causes even more irritation, but I can't touch it or it breaks out more, I don't want to move or say anything all day and night, and I can't face anyone without putting makeup on....I went nearly two days without makeup and it was so depressing, the whole time I felt gawked at like a carnival freak. I just want to curl up in my room in the dark and not move as much as possible until my face stops looking and feeling so horrible....

I've tried so many different angles to solve this problem and its just not going away. WHAT IS THE SECRET??? WHY DO I GET THESE MONSTROUS GROWTHS ON MY FACE?! I just want to be normal....just a little bit....

It makes it worse that if it wasn't for this skin problem I would be beautiful to a large degree. I got some very pretty dresses today, but with my face as horrid as it is, I don't feel pretty wearing them. Please God, if you really want me to believe in you, let me enjoy being young and healthy looking for at least a few of my young adult years.... just tell me what to do....................

something like infinity

Being... being human...and having even the semblance of awareness of the universe, the whole thing, the infinite...it just doesn't work. Its not allowed. Our bodies can't filter all that information, a dam broken through, an atomic bomb blasting through, a disintegrating visibility.

The sun is a great example of this. We all know what it looks like, a great yellow ball against a bright blue or gray, a hazy sunset with ripples of cloud penetrating through the glow. But if you stare at it, if I stare at it, it changes. It becomes a pure white, brighter than any other white you've ever seen. Keep staring and you see its shadow pushing against it. Keep staring and the inverse of the shadow, a neon sort of white, burns itself into your eyelids. Stare even further, the shadow droops, the sun itself expands and the sky around it melts. Stare more, the sun is melting down, mixing with its shadow, and reaching towards you down on the earth. A pure white flash blurs your vision; the shadow drips in. Then your eyes sink into the back of your skull and all is left is a warm, warm darkness. It drills into the far back of your head, burrowing like a giant, burning worm until it pokes out the back of your head, wiggles through your hair and plops onto the ground, writhing on the floor, shriveling into itself and back into nothing.

Am I missing something? 

poopstuff

Just a real quick thought. I'm starting to figure out how to socialize with normal chicks a bit more, especially at grad school where I feel most comfortable socializing in general these days...

But it still bothers me a lot to do it, at least by the singular effective method I've discovered at this point. It seems like you can build an almost automatic rapport with a woman if you just compliment her in some way about her appearance, especially clothing or jewelry. It is most effective when you then ask them "Where did  you find that?" like you want to know so you can go shop there yourself. And then you have to stand there and listen to their longass story about where they found it and how they just had to have it once they saw it blah blah blah pretend you're interested until they stop but then after you do that BAM you're part of the female circle!

I know its stupid of me to write about this in here right now, in light of all the other things. Its obviously all just a part of my projection about women, esp superficial seeming ones. Which is just caused by my resistance to being that way myself, and my insecurities over acknowledging that I am in fact that way too!

I still don't like gabbering on about where I bought my shoes for long periods of time though. Yeesh. Well, I hope I don't. Maybe I do now, ugh, I'm becoming too feminine, its gross. Constant back and forth this whole process is, huh. Speaking of process...I have to write a paper for my process class tomorrow still. Huh.

Well, this was a good distraction, in multiple ways. HAH...........