I feel awful right now. I'm so torn up inside....I don't understand how to be human. I dont get it sometimes, I really don't...this isn't how love is supposed to work - the way human beings do it, i mean. Love is so far beyond all these weird constraints caused...i guess caused by the physical world....
If every person could feel whats inside me.... no one would ever be sad.
Thursday, December 30, 2010
Wednesday, December 29, 2010
in a time and a place where I had to bite my lip....
I am so glad to be done with those papers... ugh I feel really bad about the way my Freud one panned out though. Some of my classmates posted theirs on facebook and they were sooo much better than mine. Ahh.I'm still kinda in a post frantic paper writing daze... I really have to avoid getting that stressed about things ever again with this stuff, and the only way to avoid that is to actually do my reading....
Things feel better mostly right now again. I think maybe I've perhaps finally worked through some of the things that were causing me the most amount of depression and anxiety.
Of course I'm still not perfect....Its weird theres this one stretch of freeway that for years now has been a panic attack inducing area for me to drive through. Usually late at night but I think its even freaked me out during the day. It happened again last night on my way home.... but I worked through it a lot better than before...
Anyway I got stuffs to do...
Things feel better mostly right now again. I think maybe I've perhaps finally worked through some of the things that were causing me the most amount of depression and anxiety.
Of course I'm still not perfect....Its weird theres this one stretch of freeway that for years now has been a panic attack inducing area for me to drive through. Usually late at night but I think its even freaked me out during the day. It happened again last night on my way home.... but I worked through it a lot better than before...
Anyway I got stuffs to do...
Sunday, December 26, 2010
infantile polymorphous perversity
Oh goodness. Pretty much haven't worked on my papers at all since I last wrote in here and they are all due on monday. Dammit!
The last couple hours I've been doing pretty good though. I've finally got the Freud thing figured out. I know how I'm going to do it I mean. I had the idea of what I wanted on wednesday but saw no means to the end. But for about 2.5 hours I've been plowing through it with my classical music on, head bent and butt aching on my bed (to do this work I need to stay uncomfortable). Thats why I decided to take a much needed break.
I got to meet up with a very old friend of mine today. I'll call him J. I've known this guy since middle school. He used to live down the street from me. We hung out a lot throughout middle school and high school, even "dated" briefly. By "dated" I mean we held hands when we were together and when we weren't we wrote notes to one another, then slipped them into each others lockers at school. Later on we "broke up" but remained friends, and then I met my BFF gf JGB and somehow he got introduced and we started having really fun times together. That lasted for the rest of high school, but afterwards we all grew a bit distant. JGB and my friend moved away and I got really busy with school. .. so we've only hung out sporadically the last few years...every time we did though it was great times...I've never been able to be quite as outrageous as I am with those two with anyone else...well, not outrageous in quite the same way that is... its just special. We had the perfect Trifecta. Thats what I call us now, it just suits us so well.
Anyway, catching up with him tonight was horrible horrible timing but really great, and I'm glad it happened. He had spent his christmas day so far with a 24 pack of budweiser and his truck, driving into our old hometown (where I'm living) and stopping at each of his friends house to share a drink with them. I really admire this idea, what a fantastic holiday option! I find it greatly amusing. Of course when he got to me he was already kind of buzzed, so perhaps its not the best idea to be the one in charge of driving....but thats J for you. He's a real down home kinda guy... kinda white trashy I guess but thats just a stupid label anyway and doesn't nearly encompass who he truly is as a person. We shared a few beers and ended up walking around my neighborhood, just like we did when we were 13 or so (numerous jokes were made about how both of us still look like we're 13 too).
It was so nice to catch up with him...we've both changed a lot just in the past year or so, and we opened up to each other more than we ever had before. It was a true, happy, and easy bonding experience - the kind that I absolutely live for, on some level. He noticed just how much I've changed too...and it really made me think, I mean... in how he seemed to notice my change. It started with the hair cut - the obvious big physical difference - but then he started to see just how much I'd changed personality wise too. He told me it was like I was a new and a more fuller person now, more complete, more happy with myself or just with life in general. More confident I dunno, all that sort of stuff. I guess nobody has told me that in quite that way. He's known me for so long too - literally half of my life - that he'd be one to note the differences.
Its not that Im unaware of just how different I am now - of course I am! But to hear someone else say that it was that noticeable was a significant thing for me to hear. I really think its true too. I am a fuller person now. I guess I"m more....human. I kinda created some sort of mythical figure for myself to be...something completely unrealistic and just...not who I actually am. Sure, I've got lots of quirks and my sense of humors weird and i have an unusual taste in music or whatever but I think I let my quirkiness alienate me from everyone else too much. Its funny though even when I had hairy legs and armpits and I wore baggy, monocolor outfits all the time I had the idea that I was being true to myself that way. I guess that may have been true at the time...at least partially. But there were stirrings of other aspects of myself that I could feel but kept hidden. Now I think I can be truer to myself than ever before... not only because i've unlocked some of those hidden parts of myself but also simply because I know myself more than ever before. And it made me realize something else....kinda silly...
I really am glad I cut my hair. As I sort of hinted in a previous post, it does seem to have really given me a chance to become someone new. To clean things up a bit with myself a bit and to more fully incorporate the new aspects of myself I've unlocked or discovered. My ideas about why I should cut it were exactly that - to let go of past conceptions of myself and all that - but I think before I did it I really wasn't sure if that was going to work. But I think it has! I feel much less constrained to the past than before. My hair really was such a huge symbol of all of my old ideals, my perception of who I was. It no longer has that power over me. I can tell now that I'm not going to hang any permanent notions of who I am on my hair anymore. It already seems so silly and distant to me that I ever did that...even though I was still doing that about a week ago...
I feel as though I've had such a long childhood. It feels weird to consider that I may actually be an adult now, in some way. I still hold that no one ever really grows up completely, we all have a childish side, but now at least I can feel my adult side too. I guess I'm oversimplifying the whole thing when I say that kind of stuff though, I've always been in touch with my adult side in some areas...perhaps even before I was out of diapers. Maybe that's part of why I shied away from adulthood so much. People are such complicated things. Theres no way I can ever explain every little thing I've learned or area I've grown in...or even dare to do so for others.
Ok well I've rambled long enough now. I think I'm going to shower and then work a little more before bed. Maybe.
The last couple hours I've been doing pretty good though. I've finally got the Freud thing figured out. I know how I'm going to do it I mean. I had the idea of what I wanted on wednesday but saw no means to the end. But for about 2.5 hours I've been plowing through it with my classical music on, head bent and butt aching on my bed (to do this work I need to stay uncomfortable). Thats why I decided to take a much needed break.
I got to meet up with a very old friend of mine today. I'll call him J. I've known this guy since middle school. He used to live down the street from me. We hung out a lot throughout middle school and high school, even "dated" briefly. By "dated" I mean we held hands when we were together and when we weren't we wrote notes to one another, then slipped them into each others lockers at school. Later on we "broke up" but remained friends, and then I met my BFF gf JGB and somehow he got introduced and we started having really fun times together. That lasted for the rest of high school, but afterwards we all grew a bit distant. JGB and my friend moved away and I got really busy with school. .. so we've only hung out sporadically the last few years...every time we did though it was great times...I've never been able to be quite as outrageous as I am with those two with anyone else...well, not outrageous in quite the same way that is... its just special. We had the perfect Trifecta. Thats what I call us now, it just suits us so well.
Anyway, catching up with him tonight was horrible horrible timing but really great, and I'm glad it happened. He had spent his christmas day so far with a 24 pack of budweiser and his truck, driving into our old hometown (where I'm living) and stopping at each of his friends house to share a drink with them. I really admire this idea, what a fantastic holiday option! I find it greatly amusing. Of course when he got to me he was already kind of buzzed, so perhaps its not the best idea to be the one in charge of driving....but thats J for you. He's a real down home kinda guy... kinda white trashy I guess but thats just a stupid label anyway and doesn't nearly encompass who he truly is as a person. We shared a few beers and ended up walking around my neighborhood, just like we did when we were 13 or so (numerous jokes were made about how both of us still look like we're 13 too).
It was so nice to catch up with him...we've both changed a lot just in the past year or so, and we opened up to each other more than we ever had before. It was a true, happy, and easy bonding experience - the kind that I absolutely live for, on some level. He noticed just how much I've changed too...and it really made me think, I mean... in how he seemed to notice my change. It started with the hair cut - the obvious big physical difference - but then he started to see just how much I'd changed personality wise too. He told me it was like I was a new and a more fuller person now, more complete, more happy with myself or just with life in general. More confident I dunno, all that sort of stuff. I guess nobody has told me that in quite that way. He's known me for so long too - literally half of my life - that he'd be one to note the differences.
Its not that Im unaware of just how different I am now - of course I am! But to hear someone else say that it was that noticeable was a significant thing for me to hear. I really think its true too. I am a fuller person now. I guess I"m more....human. I kinda created some sort of mythical figure for myself to be...something completely unrealistic and just...not who I actually am. Sure, I've got lots of quirks and my sense of humors weird and i have an unusual taste in music or whatever but I think I let my quirkiness alienate me from everyone else too much. Its funny though even when I had hairy legs and armpits and I wore baggy, monocolor outfits all the time I had the idea that I was being true to myself that way. I guess that may have been true at the time...at least partially. But there were stirrings of other aspects of myself that I could feel but kept hidden. Now I think I can be truer to myself than ever before... not only because i've unlocked some of those hidden parts of myself but also simply because I know myself more than ever before. And it made me realize something else....kinda silly...
I really am glad I cut my hair. As I sort of hinted in a previous post, it does seem to have really given me a chance to become someone new. To clean things up a bit with myself a bit and to more fully incorporate the new aspects of myself I've unlocked or discovered. My ideas about why I should cut it were exactly that - to let go of past conceptions of myself and all that - but I think before I did it I really wasn't sure if that was going to work. But I think it has! I feel much less constrained to the past than before. My hair really was such a huge symbol of all of my old ideals, my perception of who I was. It no longer has that power over me. I can tell now that I'm not going to hang any permanent notions of who I am on my hair anymore. It already seems so silly and distant to me that I ever did that...even though I was still doing that about a week ago...
I feel as though I've had such a long childhood. It feels weird to consider that I may actually be an adult now, in some way. I still hold that no one ever really grows up completely, we all have a childish side, but now at least I can feel my adult side too. I guess I'm oversimplifying the whole thing when I say that kind of stuff though, I've always been in touch with my adult side in some areas...perhaps even before I was out of diapers. Maybe that's part of why I shied away from adulthood so much. People are such complicated things. Theres no way I can ever explain every little thing I've learned or area I've grown in...or even dare to do so for others.
Ok well I've rambled long enough now. I think I'm going to shower and then work a little more before bed. Maybe.
Wednesday, December 22, 2010
Gaaaaa!!!
I don't know why I'm so damn anxious about getting this work done! I'm not usually this freaked out by such a known task. I guess....I'm just more easily anxious nowadays...
Sitting here trying to do my work is really making me question my ability to take on graduate school right now. Dammit I don't want to give up that easily! But maybe I'm not ready....how do I know that? I dunno... no no no I wanna do this dammit. I've got to get more committed. Effin' A...
Sitting here trying to do my work is really making me question my ability to take on graduate school right now. Dammit I don't want to give up that easily! But maybe I'm not ready....how do I know that? I dunno... no no no I wanna do this dammit. I've got to get more committed. Effin' A...
murkiness
Its been a while since I've posted in here. I'm in the thick of writing my final papers for my first quarter of grad school... and its hell. I always do this when it comes time to write my papers. I have this huge resistance to writing essays, they're just sooo boring to write. And I'm going to have to write a whole thesis paper. I'm gonna have to get over that hurdle sooner or later with this grad school stuff. Also one of my professors gave me such a broad topic to write about that its really hard for me to figure out just exactly where i want to go....plus I didn't do all the readings so I feel a bit unprepared for it. I know if I just sit and spend time with it though I can get it out... I just need to not leave it until the very last day for once...theres too much to do to do that.
Lately I've been feeling really...murky. What a funny word that is... I feel like I've become less defined though. Maybe its because I finally chopped off my hair? I dunno. I don't like it though. Perhaps its just a different outlet for my depression or something.
It sort of feels like I'm holding onto things I shouldn't be right now....again....jeez...what I've been saying throughout the entire lifespan of this blog....I'm just not devoting enough time to myself. Pffft. How sad is that....I say I want to work on myself and yet I spend all this time avoiding myself. As Freud says though, we all have this innate resistance to diving deeper into our own psyches...guhh...yeah, Freud...about that....time to get back to the papers I guess...
Lately I've been feeling really...murky. What a funny word that is... I feel like I've become less defined though. Maybe its because I finally chopped off my hair? I dunno. I don't like it though. Perhaps its just a different outlet for my depression or something.
It sort of feels like I'm holding onto things I shouldn't be right now....again....jeez...what I've been saying throughout the entire lifespan of this blog....I'm just not devoting enough time to myself. Pffft. How sad is that....I say I want to work on myself and yet I spend all this time avoiding myself. As Freud says though, we all have this innate resistance to diving deeper into our own psyches...guhh...yeah, Freud...about that....time to get back to the papers I guess...
Tuesday, December 14, 2010
shwamamammamm
I think things are mostly ok again at the moment. At least on my end. I know I"m just saying that right now though. Its a little off putting when your therapist keeps suggesting anti-depressants. I wanna beat this on my own dammit, human beings have lived for thousands of years without antidepressants living lives way shittier than mine....I'm pretty sure I can manage. Or learn to manage. Yeah.
I'm in a much different place now than I would have ever thought I'd been last year. Its weird to think about what I was doing back then. It was right around this time that ____ came to stay at my family's place. I didn't meet him for the first couple weeks he was in town...but apparently he was eager to meet me. Shoulda been the first clue right there. My moms always kinda been over-enthusiastic about men being attracted to me. Ugh, how awfully misplaced.
I guess I must be thankful he'll never be around again. Or...if he is somehow I will make sure to not be around myself.
I guess in a twisted way I should be thankful to him, amongst all the chaos and destruction he caused he also created space for growth... maybe saved me a few years of development, I dunno. But at what cost? Hard to say. Now my life could be going in so many new directions that simply did not exist this time last year....and its still so chaotic. This whole year has been that way!
I cannot wait until things really settle down again. I'm getting awful impatient...
I'm in a much different place now than I would have ever thought I'd been last year. Its weird to think about what I was doing back then. It was right around this time that ____ came to stay at my family's place. I didn't meet him for the first couple weeks he was in town...but apparently he was eager to meet me. Shoulda been the first clue right there. My moms always kinda been over-enthusiastic about men being attracted to me. Ugh, how awfully misplaced.
I guess I must be thankful he'll never be around again. Or...if he is somehow I will make sure to not be around myself.
I guess in a twisted way I should be thankful to him, amongst all the chaos and destruction he caused he also created space for growth... maybe saved me a few years of development, I dunno. But at what cost? Hard to say. Now my life could be going in so many new directions that simply did not exist this time last year....and its still so chaotic. This whole year has been that way!
I cannot wait until things really settle down again. I'm getting awful impatient...
Friday, December 3, 2010
fsldjfaslgjflg AHHH
I'm so nervous about class right now. I think I'm more nervous than I usually am because I feel as though I'm vastly unprepared.
I think I'm blowing it out of proportion though... sort of channeling some of my other anxieties into school anxiety or something. Ugh, I hate being so complicated like that. Why can't I just be normal? And yes I know thats a null argument and everything but I still feel like that... stupidly.
Guhhh why am I so upset inside right now?!?! This whole week has been like that. I'm just...anxious and scared and sad and confused and full of some sort of pain that I don't know what to attribute to...well, not exactly...
I have some serious trust issues I'm realizing. As soon as someone hurts me in a particular way I start to shut down...but I try to resist it and end up shifting in and out of anxiousness and ok-ness with the slightest things triggering the anxiety....and inevitably i try to resist it and just leave. I run away from the pain. I check out. I think I've talked about it before in here, its the same sort of dissociation I've always had, or seems like I've always had. Well, iono, not always I think. Hard to remember when I wasn't though.
Anyway I'm just blowing off steam before I have to go to class and face all my classmates who are probably at least 50-70% better at preparing for class than I've been. I do not like being such a slacker. Part of me wants to just give up on grad school but I think I give up too easily, its the same as running away from the pain.....and I'm tired of doing all that. So I'mma keep trying...even though it all seems so daunting at the moment.......key word being SEEMS I guess....
I think I'm blowing it out of proportion though... sort of channeling some of my other anxieties into school anxiety or something. Ugh, I hate being so complicated like that. Why can't I just be normal? And yes I know thats a null argument and everything but I still feel like that... stupidly.
Guhhh why am I so upset inside right now?!?! This whole week has been like that. I'm just...anxious and scared and sad and confused and full of some sort of pain that I don't know what to attribute to...well, not exactly...
I have some serious trust issues I'm realizing. As soon as someone hurts me in a particular way I start to shut down...but I try to resist it and end up shifting in and out of anxiousness and ok-ness with the slightest things triggering the anxiety....and inevitably i try to resist it and just leave. I run away from the pain. I check out. I think I've talked about it before in here, its the same sort of dissociation I've always had, or seems like I've always had. Well, iono, not always I think. Hard to remember when I wasn't though.
Anyway I'm just blowing off steam before I have to go to class and face all my classmates who are probably at least 50-70% better at preparing for class than I've been. I do not like being such a slacker. Part of me wants to just give up on grad school but I think I give up too easily, its the same as running away from the pain.....and I'm tired of doing all that. So I'mma keep trying...even though it all seems so daunting at the moment.......key word being SEEMS I guess....
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