effin A

I keep telling myself I need to spend more time alone...just focus on myself.... but I still haven't. Fuck meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee dammit why do I insist on being such a jackass to myself?

Obviously I'm a gigantic masochist.

full on emotional crazy rant time

Sigh, why am I investing so much time and energy into someone who has told me outright that he doesn't care about me at all?  Obviously I'm just wanted around because he has no one else in the area. As soon as that changes (either the area he's in or finding a new person) I'm fairly certain I'll stop being asked for.

And yet I still spend all this money and time and loving energy that I could be spending on people that actually DO care about me on him. It seems so wrong to be doing this in so many ways. I KNOW how wrong it looks and even feels in so many ways.....I've known for ages now. Since the beginning.

And yet I still want to do it. I must be getting something out of it. Maybe this is my final outlet for my horrible compulsion to just give give give. Maybe I'll give so much I'll get it out of my system once and for all and then end everything.

As it is now, I still genuinely care for this person, even in the face of him not giving a shit about me genuinely. It hurts so much to think about that...but its what I'm left to face with. All the niceness I've experienced is probably just to placate me... to keep me around longer... until I'm no longer needed. Why the fuck am I allowing myself to be hurt like this? I just need to stop being so emotionally invested. See it for what it is on his end and make it more like that on mine. Well if I did that I'd have no need to hang out with him really. I have plenty of people that care for me, plenty of people that if I wanted would bend over backwards to be there for me, even for such little genuineness in return.

I don't know what to do. Why do people have to be so horribly manipulative? I just want to be honest and loving and receive it back in some fashion....for real. I guess thats too much to ask in this situation. And I've been aware that its too much to ask from the beginning....I guess its just so hard not to take it personally. But it really does feel like theres no reason for him to want to be with me....

It feels like our personalities don't mesh well, I think even if he wasn't so fucked up we don't have enough in common to make hanging out fun enough. I become like a stone figure around him, frozen and on the edge of my seat all the timing, waiting to see how he's feeling every moment to gauge how to interact with him.....because I don't know what to say or how to say anything to him to entertain or to comfort him. And yet I still try...and it feels like half of the time I fail miserably at it, which only reinforces my nervousness and inability to speak up or act out in the future......

I think all this tension and uncertainty and inability to express myself is part of why I've stuck this out so far though. I want to master it, I want to get over my anxiety with it and just be myself no matter what the reaction I get from him. I shouldn't be giving away my control like that...

Heh, and maybe when I finally do start expressing myself all the way he'll get sick of me and tell me to go away... and I could stop feeling so hurt and confused all the time....well...eventually...after I get over being so completely rejected as a person.

tomorrow...and yesterday.

I'm in and out of anxiousness and excited anticipation for tomorrows events. I'll be chopping off my beautiful locks....and making it "normal" I guess. Stylish, I guess. Something else...not me. Not what I am? Is my hair really a perfect representation of who I am, truly, just the way it is now? It feels like that. But...my hair is all natural, years of sun made high lights, free flowing, thick, full.... perhaps a little rough around the edges at times, but I think mostly it fits my face well. Its all disorganized and gets in the way sometimes...but I'm quite used to that, I dont mind at all. I keep telling myself these things and then wondering...why am I cutting it off again?

Because I'm trying to grow into something new. To be straight about it, I guess. Because of all those reasons I listed above -  its become too comfortable for me this way - its shaped my identity around how I view my hair. Perhaps how I view myself physically too. It limits me by defining me as "that girl with that hair."

Its weird that I've got this strange attachment. Apparently most people don't - they go through numerous hairstyles throughout their lives without worrying about the change. So this is one of my "molehills." That doesn't knock its importance for me though.

Had some serious thoughts today about what happened to me in April. To be blunt, rape was involved. I hate using that word. When people use that word, its got such a heavy, violent connotation to it. What happened to me is considered rape by the actual definition but it wasn't a violent act, not really. It was just a bad situation brought about by too much alcohol. I don't know what else to call it. I did feel horrified, used, and abused about it afterward but I know not as much as people who encounter the more presumed sort of rape...  I guess perhaps I could call it non-consensual sex. That sounds a little better. Yeah, I'll go with NCS.

Well, today I was thinking about it again as I so often do.... just how I felt about it, and how the lack of understanding and loss of a long time friend from it really hurt me too... and how I still felt like it was my fault that it happened. Now, I still think if I had been a stronger person it probably wouldn't have happened. I have this tendency to just give people whatever they want without thinking about the consequences it will have on me....and after a heavy bout of alcohol poisoning there was no way to avoid it taking over. My weakness was both physical and mental at that point, I was hardly aware.

However, my realization today was that my weakness doesn't make what happened my fault. It really was just the alcohol. I don't want to blame the guy either. I don't just have sex with random guys when I'm sober, even with my habit of relentless giving and self sacrifice. Neither myself or the guy involved would have gotten into that situation had we both been sober... Hmm...as I write this I'm starting to feel a little confused about how I actually feel about the guy involved. Should I hold him somewhat responsible? I can't decide if I should. Because if I do, it feels like I'd have to blame myself too... I tried to say no...I tried and failed because in my poisoned frail semi conscious moment I didn't want to hurt his feelings even as he got on top of me.....crushing me......

I have all this fear and pain and disgust inside me, remembering it.

I guess... its everyone's and no one's fault, ultimately. Thats the best I can make of it. I can't keep blaming myself, even though I know I need to be stronger and stand up for my own well being more. I swear I'm trying...

I guess I'll stop here. I've made myself feel awful. Time to step back and regain normalcy.

Actually, I'm not quite done yet. I realized another thing. Something that bothers me even more often than the NCS itself is what happened afterward. As I mentioned above, with the friend I lost, but also with the guy I was seeing at the time. He made me report it to the police. I would definitely not have done that if he didn't force me to do it. It was pointless. I didn't want to press charges, I was at least able to convince him of that....but he still wanted me to at least report it. Even the police felt like it was a waste of time. And its now on that guys record forever. I resent ___ for making me do that immensely. It shouldn't have been his decision. I guess again its just me not standing up for myself enough... what a terrible, terrible habit of mine.

I've been through some level of hell with my sexual activities. With my other friend who decided I was a complete liar, and with my brothers judging me when they don't even know the full story... calling me a harlot.  I just wasn't strong enough to say no. This is where the number of NCS encounters for me becomes hazy...its probably a lot more than 1. But...I'm working on all this. I want to be normal sexually for once. I don't know if I ever have been.... I'm strong enough to say no at least now, especially with sex.

Sigh......ok now I'm done. This was a long one. Good venting though.

Too much too little to wanna dance....

DANCEY DANCE DANCE DANCE

whuhoh

Its been one of those weeks that feels both fast and slow at the same time. Whuuuf. Some stress, but not a lot. I've started to be able to etch out a nice little spot for my emotional/mental state to live in most of the time now, which is a definite improvement over what had become my normal rollercoaster typhoony sort of state.

Something that I've been thinking about lately is just how much our already experienced life experience rules how we deal with the continuation of said experience. Uh, I probably could say that better. What I mean is just how much the past gets in the way of our present experience. Specifically what I've been pondering a bit is how we work with whatever we've been dealt, and how the quality of our experiences really determines how we perceive the world.

People that have just had mole hills to deal with see them as mountains. People who've had mountains, well, they see them as mountains until bigger ones come along, then I'd imagine those first ones start lookin more like mole hills. And the actual mole hills hardly even register on their radar. People who've got mountains probably look at the people with mole hills as fools...or just naive. Or inexperienced. Iono. What do those fools think of the people with mountains though? Admiration? For me, I think its that, along with just not being able to completely comprehend it.

But then, everyone's experience is by default gonna be different, so are the mountain people really more experienced in life in general? Doesn't seem like it necessarily is that way. They're just more experienced with a different end of the spectrum. Its like people that actually climb mountains in real life versus the people that have never done so. So maybe they deal with molehills and mountains, and maybe it seems like theyve gone through more than the folks just with the molehills....but...theres not just one type of molehill either. No ones just one way or another, their experience varies too much. Theres not just one type of mountain either; the little one out behind the house versus Kilimanjaro..... Diversity doesn't necessarily end at just molehill and mountain. Ehh...i've suddenly really tired of this topic...................ghuuhhh....


Maybe I'm just making crap up anyway... doin some of my own mole hillin'... I'm gonna stop now.

faskjaskgjsflkj

I hate my face. Some days more than other days, but pretty much 90% of the time, I absolutely abhor my face. Why does it insist on being so abnormal and irritating? If it was just one or the other, I probably wouldn't have as much of an issue with it. Gahhhhhh.

In other news, this is on my mind. Damn money slipping through my fingers like...wet...liquid....stuff....







...........ah yes, water.

fhh

Haven't posted in a while. Just haven't been in the mood to I guess. Nothing really to report? Eh.

Things feel as though they're calming down, mostly. Kinda. Still a lot of upset all around me, but at least I'm shaping up a little bit inside myself. Better to deal with the external stuff that way.

November is going by really fast, I haven't received my books yet in the mail and soon I'll be swept off to Thanksgiving activities and who knows what else....who knows when I'll actually have time to read! Aghh I hate being so behind!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I don't want to go this whole semester having been unprepared for the actual class sessions. This is my last chance. Bleh. I should also really start thinking about those million page papers I'm going to have to write. One of them completely carries my grade for my Freud course. Jeepers!

I also really want to work out more. I'm tired of not fitting in my girly clothes exactly right. Heh.

Shalllowness.

And...I'm going to chop off my hair soon. Yipe....I find myself playing with it and stroking it more often now. It really is quite beautiful, I think. Unique, in a lot of ways. And I'm cutting it off? My whole life I've never done so really, not more than an inch or two for upkeep. But staying the same your whole life ultimately isn't possible, isn't always healthy. I think cutting off my hair, while not the only way I can change, is the strongest possible thing I can do that symbolizes change for me - precisely because I've avoided doing so my whole life, so vehemently. It still feels wrong, if only because of the promise I held onto so stubbornly since I was maybe 6 or 7 years old. I guess I take promises seriously. Not all the time though, no ones that consistent.

Its got so many years of my life attached to it, its been with me more than anyone or anything else has. Wow, saying that just made me realize how I've given my hair its own identity. Its MY identity, but its also my HAIRs identity. Eep. I'm not sure what to think about that... having personified something that grows out of my head. I guess I kinda do that with a lot of stuff though, but nothing as permanent as my hair. Weeird. So cutting it off is like killing a friend, or at least saying goodbye and letting him go his separate way (yea apparently my hair is male too, albeit an effeminate one).

Sigh. To be continued...???

The same pins of anxiety reveal themselves as..........good!

swhahfhgsjghafljghg wush a!!!

OTkak1l1l1 !ghhhh!! jthis alll iihhaa 1!!1 lihnleekke!! POLKMMAL!SDF

PROCESSING...............................................

...............PROCESS...............ing..............................................

I want things to be as lovely as I am possible of feeling, all the time. And maybe more. Iono, what I have seems good enough.

Theres always that age old thought about facing ones own mortality.... yeah, our lives can be snuffed out at any given moment. Tonight, I feel like promising myself that if I did die so unexpectedly... if I just faded out of life...I'd fade out with a smile.

I'll turn my happiness into the gray fog of death.

But its still happy that way.

Yes....death....pain.....suffering....happiness....it is insomuch all the same.

Dontcha think?

My first november post! Hah!

Currently listening (lols): http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yMKrqVeuKo8&feature=related

Not much to update at the moment. Been feelin' better the last few days!

Things have been nice, for the most part!

Yipe!

Gotta run! Busy busy busy!