What else is there?

Crawl away now, you useless, sniveling thing. Crawl back to your little place, tucked away at the far end of the bed in the room down the hall, empty except for your own sweat and tear scented bundle of covers piled lopsidedly around you as you add moisture to the sheets. 

You are dead to me now, worse than worthless, you are my vexation and my illness. I shudder from your touch. I sigh when you inflict your presence on me, your mouth forming soft syllables in an attempt to assuage my anxious, blackened thoughts. What you say is meaningless at best, and the most grating and crass words ever spoken at worst. Just go. Leave me be, ugh, you pathetic creature why do you push yourself into my sight once again? Don't you know you've ruined me already? Ruined all my peace through your ineptitude and inconsideration? I simply cannot understand how anyone can be so idiotic, so insensitive, so incongruous and ignorant as you are. Why did I marry you? I wish you would just go away. You are not someone I enjoy. You are not someone i even care to understand. I will not be so considerate of someone so utterly incompetent as a human being. 

So why do I say I love you? 

-----

Here I am in my hole again. Nestled up in bed, alone with nothing but the same ol' ache and the tears staining the pillow. No one cares; ugh how pathetic and cliche it all is, how I am. I realize more and more everyday just how ridiculously I've viewed myself in the past. I am nothing special, I am not smart or pretty or skillful. I am not cute or charming, funny or creative. I am just a sad little girl clinging to a dream of realness, of living and being loved by others. 

I have given up my chances of being happy. I gave up my friends and family to venture off into the unknown and have found nothing but darkness. And loneliness, such loneliness. I'm not sure if the loneliness leads to feeling unloved or if feeling unloved leads to the loneliness...but both are absolutely the worst. Plain and simple the worst...to me in my pathetic little world. Why the fuck do I care so much about those two things? Why can't I just flip the bird and move on? Why should I care when my own husband cannot stand being in my presence? Why do I always leave feeling like a scolded animal, beaten down by its master for a crime it is not even aware of committing?

I try not to keep score...and its a good thing for him that i don't...but it sure feels like he does sometimes. And there goes my heart again, beyond the mere act of breaking into pieces. Beyond crushed to dust. Dissolving into next to nothing... 

Ugh, how pathetic I am. Pathetic. Absolutely pathetic. I wish I really could dissolve right now. No...no... I couldn't do that...I guess...guess I'm done...

alone alone alone...

That poor drop of water falling from the heavens. A singular bit of rain meant to meet his friends on the hard earth after a long fall, instead, after an eon of exhilaration and expectation, he is alone.

Alone and shattered, nothing more than a silhouette etched across dusty black cement.

Nobody cares. Nobody notices anyway. Isn't the fact that nobody notices a sign of how very irrelevant it is if anyone were to notice? The english language is far more clever than we tend to acknowledge.

So many days I feel like the lonesome remains of a drop of water. There is hardly anything left of me to be seen, but while I was alive, I felt the most amazing feelings.  Thought the most exceptional thoughts. Saw the most wonderful scenes...

Now that I've hit the hard, black wall so completely, I can't remember any of it. Feeling is gone, thought is meaningless, and there is nothing that can bring me back to where I was so happy.

Alone and already dead, all that is left is evaporation. Embracing nothing, I embrace true death.

Only to someday rise up again, my scattered remains pressed back together, an unstable hodgepodge that feels so similar but breathes differently....created again, simply to fall back down. Alone, alone, alone...

sense

date night by myself....

I will say, this town doesn't really know how to handle a young lady treating herself to dinner at a nice restaurant. First time I've really encountered super obvious staring due to my solitude. Something about this place just kinda sucks. No other way to say it. Its beautiful in its way but there is a deadness to it. Perhaps it has been marred by the fact that I have not really been able to "live" in this town - its solely been a place for work, really. Perhaps that death-work vibe is stuck to it. Or perhaps it really is just a dead town.

Needless to say, I still had a lovely night by myself. The pictures are mainly so I won't forget what it is like to take these little moments by myself and what feelings accompany them.

Pshsll

Perhaps something to come to...must remember...

sliced n diced and everything niced...

Joy to the world....!


Well the year is almost spent, and where am I ? Still lost in a haze, somewhere. It doesn't help that my contacts keep blurring up every two seconds. And they've only been used one day! Ridiculous. Wah, wah, wah...

I don't even feel like writing this right now. Don't even feel like it. Guh, I feel so utterly half-heartededly about everything right now. Its terrible. I hate it...kinda....ehhh...blehh.....

really don't even care that its a new year, nothings gonna change. I'm still gonna be stuck in this rut in 2014. Shouldn't say that... I have so much to be happy about ...but I find myself restless and weary and just really so deeply stuck in this rut...

Just gonna freakin sit here like an idiotic lump, nestled up in my little spot on the couch, listening to the infrequent booming of fireworks and buzzing from the electrical system in this house...

Why can't I enjoy myself right now? Is this depression? What a stupid label that does absolutely nothing but hinder any treatment of what it is...if that makes sense...eh...

I feel so paralyzed by this haze I'm in. There are things I want to do that I simply cannot do. I can't even face them... its not good. Not at all.

Another day wasted, like so many. Why does this matter? I don't even know... how could i fool myself into thinking I could be what one might deem successful in a world like the one we live in.... I can't do it.... I can't I just can't keep it up its too much... bu.h........h....

everything just seems so pointless...for me...anyway....

flung far...low, near, high...

 So often it simply does not cross my mind, but there are moments here and there where I suddenly realize my life is totally out of my control. Everything I've experienced has been the product of chance (or at least, NOT me); as though I've simply wandered into a basket at the end of a catapult and been flung from one destination to another, over and over again, without even noticing it!

Sometimes it feels as though I'm simply a pair of eyes connected to a heartbeat, with a throbbing scab of a brain floating through the midst of more solid people and places. And I long to be more like those solid looking things, who are at the very least a little less fragile than I...

You drift away...........

Something is wrong with me. My generation. Something has been lost, something somewhat crucial, for survival in this world. Is it within us or without us that has been lost? I don't know, because I'm unable to access either vantage point to investigate it myself...

Blah BLAH BLAH! BLAH.

blah.

I'm so confused right now, such a manic depressive fugue-y wugue-y whimsy has overtaken my life I feel even less in control than usual... my defenses have been shot, so I'm down, recovering, reconfiguring...who knows... or just sinking deeper and deeper into the mud....

What have a I done? The stress is over with the job, but what have I done? It is a bold move, a rather large financial risk, no doubt about it. But it had to be done, right?

So many things I couldn't handle. I was almost dying, thats how it felt... but there is still a part of me who feels like a failure...survivors guilt? Eh. I dont know. I must remember that I was the 4th one to quit this year (6th since last year) and realize it is not a sign of weakness necessarily....

This world is a terrible, unforgiving place sometimes. Much of the time. It is cold until something warm comes along that it can temporarily glean some heat from....pressing its icy body close, trying to melt itself perhaps but instead destroying the heat until its source is completely decimated....

We are not meant to understand it, really. We are simply meant to experience it, and love it, for what it is and more importantly, what it isn't meant to be. Thank Lord for that.

My fingernails smell like raw potatoes.