flung far...low, near, high...

 So often it simply does not cross my mind, but there are moments here and there where I suddenly realize my life is totally out of my control. Everything I've experienced has been the product of chance (or at least, NOT me); as though I've simply wandered into a basket at the end of a catapult and been flung from one destination to another, over and over again, without even noticing it!

Sometimes it feels as though I'm simply a pair of eyes connected to a heartbeat, with a throbbing scab of a brain floating through the midst of more solid people and places. And I long to be more like those solid looking things, who are at the very least a little less fragile than I...

You drift away...........

Something is wrong with me. My generation. Something has been lost, something somewhat crucial, for survival in this world. Is it within us or without us that has been lost? I don't know, because I'm unable to access either vantage point to investigate it myself...

Blah BLAH BLAH! BLAH.

blah.

I'm so confused right now, such a manic depressive fugue-y wugue-y whimsy has overtaken my life I feel even less in control than usual... my defenses have been shot, so I'm down, recovering, reconfiguring...who knows... or just sinking deeper and deeper into the mud....

What have a I done? The stress is over with the job, but what have I done? It is a bold move, a rather large financial risk, no doubt about it. But it had to be done, right?

So many things I couldn't handle. I was almost dying, thats how it felt... but there is still a part of me who feels like a failure...survivors guilt? Eh. I dont know. I must remember that I was the 4th one to quit this year (6th since last year) and realize it is not a sign of weakness necessarily....

This world is a terrible, unforgiving place sometimes. Much of the time. It is cold until something warm comes along that it can temporarily glean some heat from....pressing its icy body close, trying to melt itself perhaps but instead destroying the heat until its source is completely decimated....

We are not meant to understand it, really. We are simply meant to experience it, and love it, for what it is and more importantly, what it isn't meant to be. Thank Lord for that.

My fingernails smell like raw potatoes.