"I'm sorry, I didn't mean to upset you..."

I watch as your mind is shrouded, overwhelmed by a seething tide of unfettered emotions. A cloud of anxiety and chaos. I see the crease between your eyebrows deepen as you try to overcome both the physical and mental war raging within. You sigh, breath shaking as you lift yourself from the sofa. You walk away from me wordlessly, the slightest shadow of a limp as your legs carry you down the hall.

I watch you as the door opens and you disappear into the darkness.... 

"Can I do anything to help?"

"I don't know."

Lying in your arms in the darkness, listening to the sounds of pain that softly emerge from your lips as you lay still and stiff, waiting for the next invisible pin to stick itself into your body. You never seem quite sure where it will hit you next. I wrap my arm delicately across your chest and over your shoulder. You gently move it closer to your neck, and I wince along with you as I realize I must have gotten too close to a live nerve. I find myself holding my breath until my arm is safely settled across your collarbone. I join you in your stillness. We inhale and exhale together; a somber, subtle rhythm that fills the silence, the only movement a restrained rising and falling from our chests...

So many years later and I still cannot allow myself to resent these painful, tender moments, of which there are so many. Even when you don't notice, I am sharing them with you, silently. Laying so still on your shoulder and willing myself not to make any noise as the tears pool in my eyes and overflow onto my cheeks. Knowing that if you notice, it will only add to the layers upon layers of pain you endure; the shame, the brokenness, the hopelessly frustrated desire to do more, to be more...And now you casually, waveringly offer me whatever you can, trying to pretend like your insides aren't on fire and sudden movements are easy, effortless...

I find your hand; your rough fingers rub circles into my palm. I feel the depth of your tenderness in this small, affectionate motion.

But I can't keep going tonight, as much as I know it might help you. My heart is overwhelmed again. I am unable to stop myself from feeling that sharp, deep stabbing that penetrates to the core... the hopelessness, the desperation.  The love that we share, and the immense pain that comes with it. A desire to escape the pain, and the pain that comes from thinking that the only way to escape is too painful in and of itself to ever consider. It would not, truly, be an escape, just another kind of torture. My heart is like an animal in a cage, beating loudly, doused in flame, in a room full of fire...I cannot help you, and I cannot help myself.

"I love you so much," I say.

"I love you too," you say.



  We lay silently, breaths intermingling, tears flowing softly on my cheeks.

nothing, nada, niente

Precipice

Lambasting and wasting away

I wait as my insides are torn apart

Dewdrops of pain falling from my eye ducts

No drugs can alleviate 

Or validate 

these feelings that I feel

How I wish it wasn't real as my mind steals

Away

Running off the edge of a mental precipice 

Holding onto clouds of dust that choke me

Before I hit the ground; I provoked this

Hell for myself

There's no way I'm not jealous of those 

Who are free of it

And not trapped in a tomb with nothing but

Broken hearts; panic and wounds

Paralyzed and chronically surprised

By the sheer unexpectedness 

Of all the lies accusations and betrayals of trust that

Infiltrate all our thoughts 

Destroying our view of the other as we cling on

To our own souls
for dear life;

We cut others down with knives;

Hearts carved out with words and spite

Insides hollowed out and kept out of sight

Doing what's wrong despite knowing what's right 

Keep on fighting when there's no reason to fight

And always 

Missing that
something 

that keeps our souls burning 

bright.
Goodnight...

Some say

The only way to overcome pain is to
go through it
Others might say you can
takes step to remove it, disprove it or use it
for something greater than all of it
Find your purpose through the pain if you choose it
No tears or hurt means you're useless...

Don't confuse this
With hopeless musings
Its nothing but the truth
A whisper amongst screams and empty schemes:
"Don't fall for it."

False hope meant to calm us
Leave marks like shadows seeping inside us
Like all those broken promises
The brightness of our eyes stolen
Through all the dramas and mistrust
Adults with the hearts of battered children
All those happy thoughts erased
Eradicated by the named
and nameless faces we seek to displace.

What happened to all the dreams we used to chase?

The truth slips through the cracks
in the masks we wear as we wear ourselves out
While inside we decay and cast about
Our life a play with many acts
Big brains full of lots of facts and other
useless information telling us that
we should develop our station
A nation divided by terror and
misplaced fascination...

How am I supposed to end this war on myself
When all I can think about is
My health and wealth?
This strive for perfection when there's no such thing as
perfect beauty, knowledge or affection
Waiting on my mental resurrection
When the true perfection is always
outside my perception

If I can't get an answer
then why ask the question?

Hands clasped behind my head
Staring at my feet
Eyes like darkened pools,
Overflowing, bittersweet
Wisdom that's obsolete and indiscreet

What can you do if life is hell and you can't take the heat?
Retreat and accept defeat.
Living on with the strangled hope that
Someday your Savior you will meet...

Feeling the desperation rise as I struggle
to stay organized
Fingers aching to tear at my eyes
Mouth pulled down into a grimace
No more disguises to beguile the masses
Can't hide the spasms of panic that rip through me and consume me
Theres nothing to me
anymore I'm all out of free passes
Running through these dark mazes
I can't face this, I'm wasted.
Looking for peace but can't taste it or replace it...

Stop lying...please...

I wish people would stop telling me I'm beautiful.

Pretty, hot... whatever they wanna call me...

It's all such a lie. They think that that is what I want to hear, so they say it... thinking it will make me feel better about myself. I don't get how they would assume such... why are people so inconsiderate? So insensitive? Does that sort of compliment ever actually make someone feel good about themselves?

They can't fool me... they can't convince me of something so utterly false.

I know my deformity. I know it better than anyone else, because I see it every day. I can feel it the moment I wake up. I just try not to  think about it...

So I hate the times where I can't avoid looking at it. I think that if people would just stop lying to my face about my face, when I have to look at it... it wouldn't be so bad. I'd be able to accept my ugliness and focus on more important things...

Because I know really my looks shouldn't matter anyway.... but for some reason, they do... and to be reminded once again of my obvious hideousness masked in a supposed compliment.... it just destroys whatever semblance of confidence, of comfortableness, that I've been able to build up between exposures to my marked disfigurement.

To have someone verbally point out ANYTHING about it, really, is just another reminder of how utterly disgusting it really is, and how I am stuck with it. There is no amount of makeup or pretty hair or clothing that can disguise it. I am stuck with it for life, and its only going to get worse as I get older.

Well, at least the older I get, the less people will feel the need to lie about it... and I can finally accept it. Just have to wait until my age shows enough so that people stop expecting beauty across the board. In a way, I can't wait.

I just wish....I don't know... I wish I was either totally ugly or totally pretty, and not some weird place in between; pretty eyes set in an ugly face... Either way would be better. I think then, people would stop lying to me. And I would be confident instead of unsure when I walk into a room, confident either way. Accepting the situation for what it is. JUST STOP LYING BECAUSE YOU THINK THATS WHAT I WANT TO HEAR! I KNOW YOU'RE LYING. YOUR LIES JUST MAKE IT WORSE.

Its such a stupid thing. Hubs must think I'm so stupid for feeling so upset about it. Well, I know that I am.  But it doesn't stop me from freaking out when we go to get our pictures taken and I fix my hair and makeup and dress and then get destroyed when the photographer shows us what hideousness has been captured, my trollishness saved forever in her computer files, distributed out amongst the congregation in the directory.

At least everyone else is used to my repulsiveness; having to see it any time you interact with me must help them get past it. I'm sure at first it is odd, but soon it just becomes who I am to them... I wonder how long until I can accept it for what it is and not freak out... I know that I'm right. I have thought for a long time I was suffering from BDD. But I have gotten past that... and I see my face for what it is. Maybe in some angles, with certain lighting, I look ok, I will admit that. But in reality, my face is a mess. And it always will be, unless I get plastic surgery or something. Which I won't do for moral reasons, I guess...

If people would just stop lying to me... it really would help me accept it.... just please stop lying to me. Don't call me beautiful when its not true. Don't tell me I should be happy with how I look, as if I am some kind of supermodel when that is SUCH A LIE. THERE IS NOTHING BEAUTIFUL ABOUT ME. If you can't think of anything nice to say without lying, DON'T SAY ANYTHING.




I don't want to care anymore...so please....stop making me...

This is my story, this is my song

Do you realize who it is, you are seeking for?

Do you, realize?

How can you be so flippant?

How can you ignore it so ?

A parent to its child.

Is seeing always believing?

Or do we see what we believe ? 

And if one thing we see is just what we believe, how do we determine which is real and which is fake ? Consensus? Do all square pegs fit into the same square shaped holes? 

So what is truth?

Is the only hope to seek outside of ourselves for the answers ? 

Decisions

Too many voices inside my head

Telling me what is best

Take out the trash, 

Don't be crazy!

What do YOU want?

What is wrong with right here?

How come you can't let go?

Don't treat me like that!

Please, just stop this endless suffering.

What good will come of any of it?

How could you let this happen?

Who are you even?

Just do as you should.

Just do as you should.

This is what you should want.

Don't let them win!

Don't leave me!

It's over. Give up.

If you bend you're gonna break! 

Watch as I break you.

I can't believe you would betray me like this.

Get out of my sight you hideous, sniveling thing!

Keep telling yourself you're in control and it'll be true..

I miss you...

Do what's best for you! 

But what about me?

I'm so frustrated and it's all your fault.

Who will tell me who I am?

How can I separate my voice from amidst such a din?

What do I want? What do I really want ?

Will I ever truly know?

Can I? 

Should I? 

Leave it alone, leave it alone, leave it alone....

Let the emotions settle down so you can think. 

Too much too much too much...

Gymnopédie

The last enemy to be destroyed is death.



















So, what is the delusion...death, or life?















Why even ask such a question?

As I sleep

A sign drawn in the sand
And a touch of a stranger's hand
I wonder what it means

Time spinning round and round in this space
Then it's gone without a trace
I wonder where it goes

Deep in the night when I hear no sound
I feel my heartbeat slowing down
My mind's released and free to wander
As I sleep

The past buried deep inside my head
All the words that have gone unsaid
I just want to let them go

Life on a distant star
Or a boat to where the wild things are
I just want to let it flow

Deep in the night when I hear no sound
I feel my heartbeat slowing down
My mind's released and free to wander
As I sleep

If you're quiet you'll hear the sound
Bits of the world as it spins around
We feel lost and we feel found
When we sleep


When we sleep
Sleep

Two worlds colliding in my head
I watch you as you sleep

Two worlds colliding in my head
Two worlds colliding in my head
Two worlds
Colliding in my head

In This Place

In this place,
there is nothing
permanent.
Everything can be replaced,
or broken;
worn down, abandoned...

In this place,
you watch
the light fade
in the eyes of those you love
as they are torn away;
asleep.

In this place,
we are ruled
by clever savages
who have learned
how to survive
amidst desolation
and chaos.

In this place,
We live in darkness,
sprinkled with moments
of peace, joy, pleasure...
Latching on to the hope
that each day will bring us more.

Until we realize,

that,

In this place...

Nothing will ever be
quite as it should.

And we will never know
quite

what it is
that we
are
truly looking for.

blankets of night

I hope you always know how much you are loved.

My dearest Sweetness,

You have and are my heart.

Every single moment, heart beating and in love,
I am in awe of what I discover in you.

In awe of what I want to share with you,

and you

alone.



 You don't have to be alone, anymore.

(and neither do I!)



I don't care if my don't cares sound cheesy,
or if what I don't care about
sounds even cheesier... because its all true.

I look at your beautiful face, your eyes, and I see your stillness,

your thoughtfulness,

your acuity,

but most of all I see security.

Someone who is for certain.

Someone who will never give up,

Someone who will never fail me,

Someone who truly loves me, for me...

Someone who is real.

Someone who can tell me what is real, and what is just a harmless dream,

its all ok, nothing will hurt you anymore, you are safe now, with me.

Someone who will always do what is good, and true, and pure.

And I hope you never forget how much you are loved...




 If there was anything in this world that I was made to do, it would be to love you.


To show you wondrous, colorful, vibrant love.

And even this must be pale in comparison to what awaits us in heaven, with God.

It is so important you remember, you are loved...

Because we know that all that is beautiful and good comes from the Lord,

and this love for you is so beautiful, and so good, it can only come from one place...


I hope I can always remember to be so truly thankful for what we have been given, what a gift. What a blessing. A miracle. God is so good. So beautiful beyond words. What good gifts He gives us, it is only right for us to give as much as we can to show our love and gratitude. We mustn't be complacent in our faithfulness.

Pray.

I love you.

And Oh Lord, how I want to love You.

Help !!!!

Danielle Brooks shares season 4 image with Samira Wiley....
2018 Trackhawk Model Prototype Spotted Drving in Michigan without Camoflauge.....
10 million Android devices infected.....
Augmented Reality Mobile Game available for android and US IOS devices....
Game of Throne Cast Funny moments compilation.....
New research shows that a genetic risk score may detect those at higher risk for Alzheimer's disease long before symptoms appear.....
Top 10 Scenes that became memes....
The Show begins: Sing it! Full episode.....
Korean girls react to Meghon Trainor....

Here are the titles that show up on my social media feeds.... yes. Feed is an apt word to dub these click bait distractions from hell.

So many layers of distraction upon distraction via a small rectangular object. Sometimes, it feels like the glow from the screen punctures through my retinas into the back of my eye sockets, radiation seeping into my brain cavity and melting the mind that lies within it.

What a waste of time, energy....a waste of sheer life force.

I must escape!!!

Ahhhhh!!!!

Psalm 23

The Lord is my shepherd; I shall not want.
He makes me lie down in green pastures.
He leads me beside still waters.
He restores my soul.
He leads me in paths of righteousness
for his name’s sake.

Even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death,
I will fear no evil,
for you are with me;
your rod and your staff,
they comfort me.

You prepare a table before me
in the presence of my enemies;
you anoint my head with oil;
my cup overflows.

 
Surely goodness and mercy shall follow me
all the days of my life,
and I shall dwell in the house of the Lord
forever.

I thought I had lost my heart...

But you brought me back to life again 

Again 

Like lightning you have hit me hard 

Never want to be too far away 

Away

How easily distracted we are from anything and everything at the same time.....

We humans are so dang clever, it is so easy to find busywork whenever we want a distraction. And oh, how we want that distraction all of the time. 

Why?

What is so scary about this life that we avoid thinking about it?

hmm

Teeming with emptiness , the grid reflects light but also death

How sensational is it to cast ones gaze across a landscape so seemingly vibrant, full of the buzzing signs of humanity all scrunched into a few dozen miles of land stretching across the horizon... 

It almost could seem endless, in a way. Breathtaking at first. Invigorating for a moment... But that moment is so swiftly over and forgotten. And then what was it, really, being so temporary? How beautifully representative of so many experiences here on this earth.  

How incredibly important it becomes to seek out the things that you will never forget. 

Here is where I introduce myself

There are just some days where I really lose my grasp on what is true and what is not true.

Is that what shock is?

Astonishment; incredulity?

I need to be more selfish. Ok, well, more selfish in the RIGHT way... not the way I currently am, which is all wrong. Wait, what?

Where is this coming from?

Doesn't that matter, somewhat?

Maybe I'm just losing it again...

Dang it.

Disfigured...

Why did I have to look there?

It would have been so much easier if I had remained in blissful ignorance?

What would I be doing right now, if so? Happily asleep, awaiting my prince?

Why have I been doing this, if its only a sham?

Is the sham the sham?

It's sort of fun to pretend these are all different thoughts from different people... because I am so immersed in mental illness, my fragmented sense of self enjoys a showcase. 

Okay.

One of the few people we can count on to never judge ourselves, is ourselves.

I mean, think about it. How could we find the time when we are too busy judging others?

wiping the floor with my face

I recline upon the grass, 
eyes stinging, straight backed. 
Watching the tender green blades as they tremble,
ever so slowly.
Chilled by the wind. 
My spine shaking and curving in, 
neck bending down, 
feeling the quiet numbness,
the hole where my soul used to stay.
Breath dissolving, throat sinking, 
brow furrowing. Rigid.

Signaling a subtle empathy as I tremble back 
to the quivering green blades; They send me their
   sweet fragrance; a shared sadness. 

How is it now, body aching, 
mind impacted, 
That I can feel so 
separate 
and 
          yet 
so connected?

dry lipped musings

Trust...

Such a foundational aspect of our experience of the world around us, if you think about it.

Without trusting that gravity will keep us tied to the earth each morning, where would we be?

What if we were to awaken each day expecting nothing but chaos?

Is it possible for any soul to fully experience this on this plane?

[....Sociopaths?]


 Doesn't it then, make perfect sense, to need something to trust in?

It is no wonder we all love zombie flicks these days

And in that moment, I was awoken to the true nature of my flesh.

My body is like a shell that is rotting.

The opposites of what we usually perceive....

A living, beautiful soul trapped in a corpse.

We are, truly, undead, because in death comes the true life.

A life free from this sinful carcass, rotting on this earthly plane.


Separated from the truth, the way, the life,

We no longer perceive what is actual reality.

Instead, we spend all of our days hypnotized,

Our souls shrieking and shriveling in our rotten tombs,

Drunken and alone, sealed away from the Light


Like Plato's cave, our eyes see nothing but shadows

Dancing on the wall.

A sea of self-aggrandizing, small-minded little bodies,

Our zealousness overshadowed only by our fear.

A fear of what lies beyond the darkness;


Behind the shadows, and

Beyond the unknown.


 To embrace death means to embrace these truths,

And to put one's sights only on the aftermath

of this current plane, this entrapment,

and to seal our fates finally with

Love.

The truest of all Loves.

Our beautiful Source of all things.

Our Father.

Amen.


----

If you spend all of your time chasing the idol that is knowledge,

You will never know anything of any importance.

To God be the Glory, all pleasure in You

"The day you will no longer suffer is the day upon which you rejoice wholly in it. Is this not truly the endgame of all suffering?"

Neither Life Nor Death

Peppermint purRing....thoughts...

Purring and pounding in my head...

So numb now, perhaps with a little more time I will completely cease to feel alone... that would be nice... oh yes...

Of course no more feelings at all would mean it wouldn't matter if I were alone...

I hope it is possible.

I am trying so hard to keep going. I really am. Why am I failing so miserably at this? The answer is obvious, of course.

 I feel like the little plant sitting on our kitchen table, wilting and depleted. Deprived of the sun and water, its leaves' cracking and crumbling into dust. Oh, how piteous and loathsome I have become.

And yet.... moments here and there, I feel.....something new stirring....

Or at least,  I hope it is something... a tiny beam of sunshine on the horizon, poking through the dreary clouds and desolate shadowy peaks.

Is it that peace that passes all understanding? Oh, how I hope so... I must continue to fight this crushing weight I keep finding myself under....

There are so many moments where I feel myself swallowing a lump in my throat; holding back my loneliness and despair.... stopping the tears from welling in my eyes, so as not to disrupt something already so volatile and weak. Drawing away to prevent making matters worse. Sacrificing my feelings at the alter of his illness... it is necessary sometimes...oh yes...and it may be the loneliest feeling of all. I must stay strong... especially when its only me here...

Me, in charge of almost everything. I was never meant to be in charge of anything, I am so scatterbrained and clueless... And not that I necessarily deserve it all the time, but it would be so much easier if my attempts were met with love and gentleness... which they are, sometimes....but who can say when?

Every day, even every hour, or minute, is a gamble. I go about my work, flipping through one chaotic scene after another, to come home to.....a mystery. It may have a happy ending, or a very sad one, or anxious and unsettling.

It would be easier if it was just one thing all the time, good or bad, if I could only know what to expect....

Why can't I shake this feeling?  Why can't I just be numb?

...


And I can't even be mad about it, because it is no one's fault.

But there is also no way out.

Sometimes I wonder if that is truly why I feel alone, simply by knowing that I will always be alone. It is the life I have chosen. No one I know will be able to quite understand this, to feel precisely how I feel, and why I stay, despite how absolutely miserable it can be...

 And I'm NOT writing this to try and express some sense of nobility or high morals...

Its my choice. A good one, or a bad one, I do not know; I don't think it is for me or anyone else to say.



Am I such a delicate little flower that I must inevitably be crushed by this...? Is my response to this a sign of weakness or sensitivity or simply exhaustion?