Stop lying...please...

I wish people would stop telling me I'm beautiful.

Pretty, hot... whatever they wanna call me...

It's all such a lie. They think that that is what I want to hear, so they say it... thinking it will make me feel better about myself. I don't get how they would assume such... why are people so inconsiderate? So insensitive? Does that sort of compliment ever actually make someone feel good about themselves?

They can't fool me... they can't convince me of something so utterly false.

I know my deformity. I know it better than anyone else, because I see it every day. I can feel it the moment I wake up. I just try not to  think about it...

So I hate the times where I can't avoid looking at it. I think that if people would just stop lying to my face about my face, when I have to look at it... it wouldn't be so bad. I'd be able to accept my ugliness and focus on more important things...

Because I know really my looks shouldn't matter anyway.... but for some reason, they do... and to be reminded once again of my obvious hideousness masked in a supposed compliment.... it just destroys whatever semblance of confidence, of comfortableness, that I've been able to build up between exposures to my marked disfigurement.

To have someone verbally point out ANYTHING about it, really, is just another reminder of how utterly disgusting it really is, and how I am stuck with it. There is no amount of makeup or pretty hair or clothing that can disguise it. I am stuck with it for life, and its only going to get worse as I get older.

Well, at least the older I get, the less people will feel the need to lie about it... and I can finally accept it. Just have to wait until my age shows enough so that people stop expecting beauty across the board. In a way, I can't wait.

I just wish....I don't know... I wish I was either totally ugly or totally pretty, and not some weird place in between; pretty eyes set in an ugly face... Either way would be better. I think then, people would stop lying to me. And I would be confident instead of unsure when I walk into a room, confident either way. Accepting the situation for what it is. JUST STOP LYING BECAUSE YOU THINK THATS WHAT I WANT TO HEAR! I KNOW YOU'RE LYING. YOUR LIES JUST MAKE IT WORSE.

Its such a stupid thing. Hubs must think I'm so stupid for feeling so upset about it. Well, I know that I am.  But it doesn't stop me from freaking out when we go to get our pictures taken and I fix my hair and makeup and dress and then get destroyed when the photographer shows us what hideousness has been captured, my trollishness saved forever in her computer files, distributed out amongst the congregation in the directory.

At least everyone else is used to my repulsiveness; having to see it any time you interact with me must help them get past it. I'm sure at first it is odd, but soon it just becomes who I am to them... I wonder how long until I can accept it for what it is and not freak out... I know that I'm right. I have thought for a long time I was suffering from BDD. But I have gotten past that... and I see my face for what it is. Maybe in some angles, with certain lighting, I look ok, I will admit that. But in reality, my face is a mess. And it always will be, unless I get plastic surgery or something. Which I won't do for moral reasons, I guess...

If people would just stop lying to me... it really would help me accept it.... just please stop lying to me. Don't call me beautiful when its not true. Don't tell me I should be happy with how I look, as if I am some kind of supermodel when that is SUCH A LIE. THERE IS NOTHING BEAUTIFUL ABOUT ME. If you can't think of anything nice to say without lying, DON'T SAY ANYTHING.




I don't want to care anymore...so please....stop making me...