It stinks. I can feel the smell seeping into every cell in my body, slowly creeping in from without to poison me...poison me down to my very core.
Perhaps I'm being a little melodramatic.
I cannot stand the constant smell of smoke now. It feels so toxic. Maybe I'll get to have cancer in time for my birthday! Cancer for a cancer....right....har har....
Every day is a struggle. Every freaking day. I either struggle doing NOTHING, or struggle trying to do EVERYTHING. The only in between is confusion and illness. Those also overlap of course with nothing and everything....such a headache.
I'm such an arrogant little others-pleasing twat sometimes. That seems a little contradictory but my attempts to please others so obviously stem from a need to boost my own ego it really isn't at all.
But part of me can't help but feel a little indignant. A little selfish. I can't figure out how to not feel selfish all the time...or whether I'm incorrect about the whole concept of selfishness....or if I'm just too selfish to permit myself to understand it..or do something about it....ugh...its such a strong smell.
When will I ever learn how to behave? Probably never. I fail so miserably at actual meaningful relationships with others. I always let them down, don't I? Even if they don't realize I'm letting them down, I am. What could I do to stop this problem? I don't know. I'm at a loss.
Or maybe it just isn't possible to be 100% all the time. There has to be a little room for me, somewhere. Whether or want there to be or not. I think I do....I think so....I think...it would help. To say the least. Smokey tears...
FUCKING A PLEASE STOP IT. PLEASE STOP THIS TORTURE. I feel as though there are screws twisting down through my lungs toward my heart, clinching me from all sides. That is what it is like when you do this. STOP IT..........................................................................................please..................................................................................
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