You have no idea how hard it is to lie down next to you at night after you've spent the whole day silently ignoring me...whilst trudging around the house, no words given to define your sudden change in attitude. How can I not offend you? Would it help if I stopped existing? Sometimes I wish I didn't anyway so perhaps it'd be a win win.
As everyone within earshot would tell me if they knew, i knew what I was getting into so I have no right to complain. I've brought this upon myself. Good, I guess. I deserve it after how terribly I've treated others myself...A taste of my own medicine so to speak...To fill this page with as many cliches as I can before I put down my iPhone and try to sleep next to a man that I simply cannot make happy no matter how hard I try or how desperately I want to.
I want to get angry sometimes but my anger always quickly diffuses into agony beyond words. Trapped. Can't do anything to help can't do anything that won't hurt. Can't leave can't stay can't be together can't be alone can't have friends over cant cook meals can't read a book can't watch a show can't fucking breathe can't even fucking let myself cry out or let the tears show and now I lay here next to you shaking in the dark hearing you breathe seeing the pale shadow of your shoulders moving ever so slightly above the pillow and I'm dying oh, oh.... If only it were just a very sad dream. Because how sad, how devastatingly unknown and unimportant it all is...because it doesn't matter it can't matter, it just can't because then why do I keep living? My life is that kind of bad dream that stays with you long after you've woken, casting a dimness over an otherwise cheery scene and stealing away any mirth or optimism left inside.
No comments:
Post a Comment