the velvet folds of a petal

I can see it a little bit. Little glimpses of a gleaming, satiny life full of love and peace and joy so far removed from the world there can be no pain. There is darkness there, but no fear.

What an absolutely shocking thought.

I think... I dream...I hope... to feel those deep, dark, delicate, velvet folds envelope me.

Someday, someday to be out of this madness, this duality, this fixation on chaos. That is what I have a hold on. I have a fire inside me that will never go out. My own little pilot light that so far has been nurtured by the most short-lived and inefficient fuel source invented. And yet it is so powerful to me.

Oh Sandi... I miss you so much. You gave me a vision of a new future for myself that I had never thought possible. Another role model so different from my mother, so different from any other role model in my silly life (where I hardly spent time looking for role models in the first place).I cannot finish my thought. I have been drawn away... away..

Why love, why? Why why why?